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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A 27 year old woman dating an 18 year old man

237 replies

user1488318718 · 02/03/2017 22:43

What would you make of this situation?

Woman has known man since he was born. Their parents are best friends and so for years we're practically brought up together.

Then aged 9, they went to different schools and had ceased to see each other at all. Aged 27, woman meets the mans sister and they become close. She introduces woman to her brother and after several months there seems to be an attraction from both.

Woman is in a similar profession to the university course man has just started.

Only problem is, while man is very mature, he's only 18. She is 27 and 28 in a few weeks.

Wrong on many different levels and an absolute no go?

Aibu, to say it is.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 02/03/2017 23:24

it is legal but has and ick factor.

I would not be happy if my 18 year old son was dating a 27 year old.

I would not be happy if my 18 year old daughter was dating a 27 year old.

In each case I would express some (as mild as possible) comment about the age of the partner and then leave it - they are adults.

My BIL dated a 19 year old when he was 39. She was a particularly mature 19 year old in fairness but still a 19 year old university student (my kids adored her and remember her to this day). We were, frankly, appalled. I can only imagine how her parents felt (he met them and they got on well - no wonder, they were close in age and had similar educational backgrounds and interests). her parents, wisely, did and said nothing and it ended. he is now married to a woman his own age. Probably the only people who weren't relieved when it ended were my children.

witwootoodleoo · 02/03/2017 23:25

Anyone else reckon OP is the women in question here weighing up whether to go for it?

PuddleJumper01 · 02/03/2017 23:26

I'm 13 years younger than my DH, and we've been married for over 20 years, I used to notice people giving us funny looks, but just don't notice them any more. He gets upset when people think his DD is his DGD, but he does understand.

However, my bereaved DM (who was a young mum - she was only 20 when she had me) has a new BF, and he's a year older than me. I CHANNEL the MN mantra that it's none of my business, but I find it so icky... And I just can't accept him (and he's a vile creep as well, which doesn't help), so I'm a bit with you, despite the irony of my own relationship.

I agree that there's something not right with those levels of life experience, no matter which way round. And I do kind-of hate that our society is comfortable with younger women and older men, but doesn't accept older men with younger women. That's so wrong.

But, all things considered....

....I'm going to say it... YA - N - BU (from where I'm standing)

RedBullBlood · 02/03/2017 23:26

No, wit. The op is a man, according to a previous thread.

pipsqueak25 · 02/03/2017 23:26

where is op ?? i would really like to know what their interest is in this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/03/2017 23:27

I cannot imagine that I would have had anything in common with an 18 year old, but then I have met men much older than me that are more childish than some 18 year old lads so who knows?!

My sister is 10 years younger than her DH and somehow that doesnt seem as bad if it was the other way around, but I cannot really explain why.

Michael Ball has been with Cathy McGowan for years and she is 20 years older than him.

In theory nothing wrong with it at all but to me it is still a bit....eurgh yuck!

princessconsuelabananahammock1 · 02/03/2017 23:27

It seems a lot more wrong cause he is 17! It wouldn't be so bad if he was like 27 and she was 37! If there happy then what's the problem? At the end of the day they could not pursue anything then both end up with arseholes and unhappy! As long as they treat each other well and are happy leave them be Grin

Fairyflaps · 02/03/2017 23:28

No, not wrong on the information you give. They're both adults. Yes, there's an age difference and they are at different life stages, and it may not last - but then many relationships don't last.

What could make it throw up alarm bells is if there is an obvious power differential, e.g. the older partner was the younger's boss or lecturer, or there is a significant imbalance between them in some other way.

Original poster
user1488318718 · 02/03/2017 23:28

I'm male.

If I mention my interest that's all he thread will become.

I want opinions when it's not clear who I am, how and if I know them personally or have any invested interest.

😀 Sorry!

OP posts:
SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 02/03/2017 23:29

2 adults it's nobody else business really.
at 20 I married dh who was 32 we have been together 20 years and have 1 dc

jeennie · 02/03/2017 23:31

Im 31 and have recently found myself falling for a 19y old. I never in a million years thought id ever be attracted to someone so young. I have only ever dated and fancied people my age. At first i felt a bit grossed out at myself. But now i just think you know. Hes an adult (albeit a young one!) and i cant help how i feel. We get on really well. But to me i feel like we're in different places. Maybe he doesnt. But I have children from a previous relationship. Hes young free and single no ties with the world at his feet. And its for that reason i am holding back. I dont want to take that away from him. Maybe one day something will happen but who knows. As a mother of a son i too cant help but think how id feel if my son got with an older women with children at 19 when he had the world at his feet :-/

ArriettyClock1 · 02/03/2017 23:33

I have an 18 year old. I'd be pretty horrified if he was dating someone that age, tbh.

It's weird and icky.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 02/03/2017 23:34

I met DH at 18, he is 10 years older than me, we've been together 10 years. so i don't see the problem.

RedBullBlood · 02/03/2017 23:35

I want opinions when it's not clear who I am, how and if I know them personally of have any invested interest

Why? You think it's wrong on "many different levels". How will strangers on the internet change your mind?

pipsqueak25 · 02/03/2017 23:36

not sure why you can't be more open unless you are the lad, his dad, or the like but really it is none of your business is it ?
why are you taking such issue with this ?

mellowfartfulness · 02/03/2017 23:37

When I was 18/19 I had a couple of boyfriends in their late twenties. As it turned out those relationships didn't go the distance, probably partly because I was young and still finding my way in the world, but that doesn't mean they weren't worthwhile or there was something wrong with them. I'd have had very little time for anyone telling me I shouldn't be in them.

DH is older than me and the difference now is basically meaningless. Come to that, my granny was ten years older than my grandad and they were married for fifty-odd years.

AskBasil · 02/03/2017 23:37

Massive power differential there, he's still a kid frankly (I don't care if 18 is the legal age of adulthood, last year he was still at school) and she's been an adult for 10 years.

It's not the ick factor, it's the fact that her brain and emotional development have gone through full adulthood, while his hasn't yet.

Agree that if he was 28 and she was 38, there would be no issue. But life-stage and power are what makes the issue.

glitterazi · 02/03/2017 23:38

That makes no sense at all. If she's 9-10 years older than he is, only she would have been at school at 9

Very good point, totally missed by me I've had wine
If you're 9, then how the heck are you going to school at ANY point with them either primary or secondary?! Confused

Wdigin2this · 02/03/2017 23:39

Well, each to his own, if this guy's happy to be in the relationship, no problem. Personally, I don't understand it, but there you go!

littlefrog3 · 02/03/2017 23:41

Jeenie (and anyone else) There is nothing inherently wrong with a 31 y.o. woman being with a man of 19. Some men of that age look older, seem older, and are quite butch/masculine/fit. I probably shouldn't have said 'eww' so I am sorry about that. I think I said that because 17-18 y.o seemed very childish when I was around 30.

All I would say is that I don't see it working long term as a lad of 17-18, is more likely to have not matured emotionally, and is gonna want some years of fun and philandering, whereby a woman of nearly 30 will be more than ready to settle, and start a family.

Also, as a few have said on here, if I were the mother of a teen lad, I would be mortified if he settled with a woman around 30. If they were happy, I would get over myself, but in the first instance, I would be like Shock

pipsqueak25 · 02/03/2017 23:42

i don't get the school thing either wish op would explain that, can't help thinking there is more to this thread that is let on.

Megatherium · 02/03/2017 23:44

There was a 9 year age gap between my parents. They had a long and very happy marriage - 62 years.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 02/03/2017 23:47

I think some people are reading the OP wrong. It is confusing but obviously the man who went to school with the woman is a different man, because they are the same age.The younger man is the first mans sisters brother (must be half brothers of hers though if they aren;t brothers of each other!)

jeennie · 02/03/2017 23:48

Littlefrog
I wasnt disagreeing with you i think we look at it in much the same way. He 19y old im falling for is quite mature for his age, hes well travelled and has alot of life exp for his age. I am rather young for my age too. So in terms of maturity i feel we're not actually miles apart. That said. I completely agree that those first years of adulthood are important. He needs to find himself and be himself and be free from ties to do what he wants in life. It wouldnt be fair for me or any older women for that matter to make him miss out in that (if that makes sense) i think we'll remain good friends and maybe in 5 years time things will progress as it is i cannot take those years away from him even if he wants to be with me.

Original poster
user1488318718 · 02/03/2017 23:51

thats correct theonlyboyincork

OP posts: