The cafe guy called me FAT

[PonyPals]

I was having a lovely day to my self shopping and decided to grab a coffee. I ordered a skinny latte and the guy said 'you know there is so much sugar in skinny milk, you shouldn't drink it and that is why you are Fat. I was so shocked 😳 and embarrassed and mumbled something like... I like being Fat and walked off.
I wish I had the guts to say something! What would you do?

Archery it really does. I've done a lot of therapy as I had an abusive childhood. I was always responsible for my mum's happiness and it's really screwed me up. I struggle every day. Therapy taught me im not responsible for her happiness, she is responsible for her own feelings.

I'm afraid so Plinky!

Whilst it may be that no one can make you feel anything we all know that what we say could trigger someone's feelings. And what about fear? No one can make you afraid?
You can only apply the 'No one can make you feel anything' once you have undertaken lots of spiritual training.
Most people haven't done that.

So you can choose all this emotional self-modification if it makes you feel better (or just better than the rest of us), but emotional honesty is important too and can also achieve results.

I agree with this. If op was confident in herself she would have replied as she honestly wanted to and wouldn't be in here as she wouldn't be retrospectively brooding on it and needing reassurance from an online forum.

Of course he was rude! So fucking what. It's not illegal (yet). You can't control a dickhead but you can control yourself and your reactions.

If it works for you, mrsBeverly, then all well and good. But it sounds awfully like victim-blaming to me.

How awful for you, OP! That's just as bad as someone asking about your pregnancy when you're not....

I suspect the ideal response would have been "Did you know that skim milk burns exactly the same as full-cream milk?" and thrown it in his face.

(Not that you could do that without being charged - but it's nice to visualise this!!!)

I am baffled by the idea that a state where "nobody can make me feel anything" is desirable.

What about love? Empathy? Lust? Righteous anger even? I think I'll keep my emotions thanks even if the odd bell piece does make me sad.

This is completely untrue - it's very much an insult to call someone fat in Japan for example.

Japan is an interesting case regarding culture and no nonsense attitudes to being fat. Despite having the lowest rates of obesity of all industrialised nations, it is still a requirement that adults over 40 have to have their waste lines measured on an annual basis, with dieting guidance given to anyone overweight. Employers can even face financial penalties of their staff fail to lose the required weight!

Not quite sure where sumo wrestlers fit into this healthy culture though!

splendide You can still choose to feel all those things while having self control

The bare arsed cheek of him

I'd have thrown the skinny latte all over him personally .

On the other side of the scale, OP, its not much fun either . I weigh little (due to ADs mainly) and local café and chip shop give me far more than what I actually wanted (Think tuna mayo sandwich , , with loads of salad in it when I did not want said salad) or a bit of Cod (no chips asked for but still some shovelled into it) . One even said once "You could do with a bit more food"!1 Told him what I thought of that and have not been in his shop since .

Report him . . I don't say that lightly but that is well OTT .

agree with this. If op was confident in herself she would have replied as she honestly wanted to and wouldn't be in here as she wouldn't be retrospectively brooding on it and needing reassurance from an online forum.

Yet I find that response rather superficial. I still brooded about it, I still got the reassurance I needed from my peers (OK, DH who was there at the time) because I'm still bloody human. We don't go through life as Zen masters unless we go through all those years of training, and few are called to that. I felt better that he apologised yes, and maybe he learned something (doubtful), but it still stung.

The hurtful thing is not the words per se, it's the fact that some arsehole felt the need to say them to you. That said arsehole feels so secure, so superior that they, a complete stranger, can say that to you, a fellow human being, for no conceivable positive reason. Responding verbally in whatever way doesn't change that. You've been put in your fat place regardless.

Telling yourself that it doesn't hurt doesn't work for most people, that's called repression and self-deception, possibly rationalisation in some cases. Not particularly healthy most of the time.

And I'll just leave this link here for anyone interested in the links between fat-shaming, depression, eating disorders and obesity.

I think it's perfectly normal to be at ease with yourself, and still be upset when a total bloody stranger goes out of their way to be insulting to you.

Really surprised at the victim-blaming nonsense on here.

I bet if I walked up to any of these sanctimonious posters in real life and made pointed, negative comments on, say, their weight, their clothes, the size of their pores, the dullness of their hair, and their questionable parentage, then I bet they wouldn't be so bloody zen about it, however much they felt "confident in themselves".

'Have you tried being polite to your customers? No? That's why you're a cunt'.

I'd have thrown the skinny latte all over him personally .

That's the attitude. Give someone 2nd degree burns because they hurt your feelings with a mis-placed comment.

Why the fuck do these men think it's up to them to hand out this "advice". Like the whole world of women is one big beauty contest with them as the judges.

This

And the fact that he was absolutely wrong in his mansplaining patronising wankery "science" makes it doubly galling.

Link to a straightforward article about skimmed milk

Where was it? What coffee shop. Name and shame.

'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent' is the biggest load of wanky bollocks bullshit anyone has ever said.

You show me a SINGLE person who has never been offended by something someone has said, at least ONCE.

You can't because that person doesn't exist.

I bet if I walked up to any of these sanctimonious posters in real life and made pointed, negative comments on, say, their weight, their clothes, the size of their pores, the dullness of their hair, and their questionable parentage, then I bet they wouldn't be so bloody zen about it, however much they felt "confident in themselves".

Of course we would. Either we would agree and acknowledge we are working on it. Or disagree and therefore label you as wrong and not worthy of noticing.

Interestingly, all of your examples are aesthetic observations and so I would personally not be very bothered by them.

Why is it so hard for you to believe that such security it oneself is attainable?

Joey7t8

Am I right in guessing this bloke wasn't TopModel material???

Did you definitely hear correctly and it wasn't something about full fat milk? I just can't believe how anyone would ever think it's ok to call anyone fat, let alone a customer!

This is why the exchange caused you a problem. Because you are unhappy within yourself. Because you want to change but you haven't. If you are fat and happy with yourself this would have been a non issue.

Opal, I have an issue with that exchange, and I am thin and happy with myself.

I've had similar comments in a cafe when I've had a BMI of less than 20, from people projecting their own issues. I found their behaviour spectacularly rude, and frankly weird.

Being obsessed with other people's weight, to the point you feel unable to stop yourself making unsolicited comments to total strangers, and working in a cafe, are not really compatible.

I must admit to having a wry smile at opal calling other posters sanctimonious!

Fat isn't a nice word. Is hefty, hippo like, like a tank better because it is more factual?

If you have red hair and someone says you have red hair there is no offence.

If you are blonde and someone points out you have blonde hair, what would you think? That they were a bit of an idiot to point out the obvious?

Similarly, if you wear glasses and someone points that out you'd just think they were stating the obvious and being a bit unoriginal, may be trying to make conversation. Nothing else would be deduced from that.

If you are very heavy and someone said you look like a rhino would you think they were being rude or factual?

Whether a comment upsets someone or not depends whether the person is happy in themselves or not to take offense or not.

What is without doubt though is that the person saying it (and any person making any sort of comment or bad joke about how people look) is just a bit of a mindless idiot deficient in social skills.

Being deficient in social skills is a life long untreatable affliction.