The cafe guy called me FAT

[PonyPals]

I was having a lovely day to my self shopping and decided to grab a coffee. I ordered a skinny latte and the guy said 'you know there is so much sugar in skinny milk, you shouldn't drink it and that is why you are Fat. I was so shocked 😳 and embarrassed and mumbled something like... I like being Fat and walked off.
I wish I had the guts to say something! What would you do?

OpalFruits I don't agree that OP made herself feel crap. I'm not sure about owning your response makes a remark any less rude or hurtful. Yes, you have the satisfaction of a suitable/cutting reposte, but that doesn't necessarily make your own feelings any better.

OP I hope you're ok.

OP,
If you are overweight and want to do something about it... He was giving you useful advice... Most "low fat" processed foods are loaded with sugar instead of fat. In short they do nothing for your health.

And if you are overweight, you shouldn't be even if you are diabetic. Actually especially if you are diabetic, you will have far better health if you loose weight. If you have an eating disorder as a result of mental illness, you need help to address that.

I am fully aware many people will object to this comment. I have a serinous illness that is random. I struggle to get treatment on the NHS because the resources are overstretched.

is it a language/translation thing.
he didnt mean you particularly

And i don't give a toss whether it's the norm in some cultures. It's bloody rude in this one. In my culture all sorts of stuff is 'the norm' and some of it is sexist, abusive, divisive and reductive and wouldn't be accepted as culturally excusable if exhibited in business/social settings outside of that culture.

I'm in Australia and the cafe guy is Italian (family owned cafe).
I understand what many people are saying but I don't feel that he should be giving me any advice. I just want my coffee... and yes. I know I need to lose weight.
I have thought of 1000 comebacks but it's always after the fact!

If you are overweight and want to do something about it... He was giving you useful advice...

That's absolutely not the point. Firstly there's no indication that the op wants to do anything about her weight from her post. Secondly, it's not appropriate for a random person serving coffee to tell the op she is fat and give advice on how to fix it. You can have a skinny latte as part of a successful weight loss plan anyway.

And if you are overweight, you shouldn't be even if you are diabetic. Actually especially if you are diabetic, you will have far better health if you loose weight. If you have an eating disorder as a result of mental illness, you need help to address that.

And how exactly does the guy fat shaming the op fit into this? Should he have refused to serve her because her BMI was too high?

Whether or not the op needs (or wants) to lose weight is irrelevant to to coffee buying scenario. He's there to give her her coffee. That's it.

Everything cafes serve (with the exception of water) contains calories. So according to that dickhead's logic you shouldn't buy any of it.

So don't.
In your position I would never go there again. I would also tell other people, including your mothers group why I wouldn't go there again.

There are so many cafes everywhere now that there should be an alternative venue with polite staff.

Cultural difference, my arse. If someone was rude to me and made me feel small like this guy did to you, I would never be spending my money with them again given the choice.

I agree it is rude, and there ARE cultural differences, I have a good friend who is Indian, she asked me why we would say behind someones back that they are fat, but not to their face, she didnt get it. Yes, she did tell work colleague she was fat. In my 20s I was skinny, spotty, we had communial changing rooms (Hospital) people would comment on my weight and spots, with a look of horror and disgust, as though I was dirty, (it was hormones) I asked why they felt that was OK, yet you wouldnt dare tell someone they were fat, and was told it was different. It hurt just as much. Chat to the M &B group, perhaps you could meet in each others houses., maybe you could go in the cafe with them see what happens. I had a check out staff have a go at me in Sainsbury because I asked for a (plastic) bag, didnt I know about the ocean creatures, rubbish etc. told him I had NEVER thrown any kind of litter anywhere in my life,(in fact I live near the beach and often pick up rubbish) H said I should have walked out.

lemonylemons

I understand what many people are saying but I don't feel that he should be giving me any advice. I just want my coffee... and yes. I know I need to lose weight.

*

This is why the exchange caused you a problem. Because you are unhappy within yourself. Because you want to change but you haven't.

If you are fat and happy with yourself this would have been a non issue. There is nothing inherently wrong with being fat it is a life choice.

It sounds to me like you either need to accept yourself as you are, or work to be the person you want to be.

He can say what he likes. And you can respond how are you choose. And for the record, he does sound like a dick but that's not the point.

And yes everybody who wants to say I'm victim blaming please go on ahead, but in cases like this you need to be nuanced and realise that what you call victim blaming can also be seen as a way to encourage someone to take responsibility for their own life.

She was a victim of words for god sake!

Many people have offered the OP a bunch of passive aggressive responses that simply replace one rudeness with another. Surely if we object to rudeness we are being hypocrites to then dish it out in return.

So what I would suggest, is find your curiosity - why on earth would he say something like that? I'd ask e.g. 'blimey, that's not something I'd expected to hear from a cafe, what did you meant to achieve by saying that?'

No thanks, Opal, I can't have a biscuit, biscuits make you fat.
Or wait, maybe I can....after all the only thing that really does make anyone fat is eating more calories than one actually needs.

And yes everybody who wants to say I'm victim blaming please go on ahead, but in cases like this you need to be nuanced and realise that what you call victim blaming can also be seen as a way to encourage someone to take responsibility for their own life.

ODFOD.

That's called fat shaming and has been proven to be spectacularly unhelpful. 'Encouraging people to take responsibility for their own life' my fat arse.

As a fat person, you get 'helped' all the time, from kids asking their parents why that lady's so fat, to drunk people shouting obscenities at you on the street on a night out, to every single medical professional you see giving you 'the talk', to discrimination at work, to every time you look in the fucking mirror. Piss off with your 'encouragement', the entire situation is a lot more 'nuanced' than you understand.

And yes everybody who wants to say I'm victim blaming please go on ahead, but in cases like this you need to be nuanced and realise that what you call victim blaming can also be seen as a way to encourage someone to take responsibility for their own life.

Shaming people into losing weight with hurtful comments doesn't work. If it did, there would be very few fat people left.

Sorry Opal, you are sounding reminiscent of the guy in cafe now.

I agree about the cultural thing - I've been in countries where my weight was openly discussed in front of me, with people even guessing it in kilos! They were lovely, kind people who didn't think they were being rude at all.

HOWEVER if it's not acceptable in the place where you are living/working, you should know that or learn it PDQ. It's part of the job top be polite to customers when you work in a cafe.

No I won't fuck off my dear. Being fat is a choice. It is easy to be a victim to it. Much harder (but much much more effective) to take responsibility.

LouKout What utter shite. What the actual fuck is wrong with being fat? If op was cool with it this would be a non issue. She would mean it when she said she likes being fat and put the guy firmly back in his box!

Being fat is a choice.

Tell that to my PCOS. And the many, many other conditions that cause or contribute. What an idiotic and ignorant statement and attitude.

Op has said she needs to loose weight implying that in this case it is possible

Your pa smiley doesn't really answer the question

Trifle OK, it's not something I'd normally do/say....but the guy was rude, and maybe a stinging put down, will stop him doing it again!