to think my niece is being neglected?

[Carlalala101]

I live very close to my sister and my ten year old niece; I look after her before and after school while my sister works and occasionally during the evenings or weekends if my sister goes out so DN and I are very close. My sister has been a single parent since DN was one and her ex sees DN on alternate weekends and for half of the holidays.

When she is with her dad, he (or someone he knows) collects her from school. She says he's often on his phone and continues this via Bluetooth during the 45 minute journey home. He then gets home and falls asleep as he's tired from his week at work. She then has unlimited access to his phone, ipad, tv and food cupboards. She's watched things which have given her nightmares for weeks before and even if he isn't asleep, he let's/encourages her to watch them. Her dad is morbidly obese and goes through cycles of gorging then surviving on smoothies. DN is naturally very greedy and doesn't know when to stop when it comes to food. He will buy her a large adult meal with milkshake plus an extra burger and ice cream at mcdonalds. When they went to Pizza Hut last week she said she had nine slices plus chips and ice cream. She giggles about eating ten biscuits or half a tube of pringles without him even noticing. She would never think to take food without permission at home or mine so I can only think he does know but doesn't stop her.

She is a soap dodger and hates brushing her teeth. My sister brushes them for her because otherwise she'll just pretend to do it and ended up with fillings last year. My sister chats with her while she showers to make sure she's washing, otherwise she just let's the water run for a bit then gets out. My DN doesn't care about being supervised and my DSIS figures when she does care she'll also care about washing properly. When she's at her dad's, he doesn't check on her tooth brushing or showering despite my sister having mentioned several times to him that DN is coming home smelly and sore. I picked her up from school on Monday and I could smell her breath and sweat immediately. She's on the cusp of puberty and does need to shower daily now. My sister has spoken to her about hygiene but DN doesn't care if she smells but then gets upset when she starts becoming sore down below.

DN says she goes to bed at the same time as her dad (I. E. late) waits for him to start snoring and then goes to get the ipad and snacks for herself. She is always extremely ratty on a Monday from lack of sleep. After she's finished on the ipad she gets into bed with him and he doesn't send her back to her room, despite DSIS having told him that it results in DN being extremely upset at home when DSIS won't let her share her bed.

My DSIS is exasperated with it all but thinks it's all just minor stuff that a court wouldn't be interested in so there's nothing she can do. I think DN is being neglected while with her dad and that my DSIS shouldn't keep letting it continue. DN is too immature to take responsibility for herself so I think DSIS should make sure things change. What do you think?

I agree that op is ignoring the sexual abuse concerns because neither her sister or her want that to be the reality.

This thread USA train wreck with so much back tracking. Get her checked out when she is red and sore and that issue will be solved, then you can take it from there depending on the results you should know what to do.

Is a* not USA.

Oh FGS OP, next time your niece is red and sore down below after visiting her dad (or any time for that matter) then your DSIS (or you - would that be allowed?) need to get her to the doctors straight away. It is not normal to be red and sore down there after simply not washing for a few days.

Seriously OP, why are you ignoring/dismissing the possibility of sexual abuse? The fact that your niece is only ever red and sore after returning from her father's would be very concerning on it's own but your niece is showing several other signs of being sexually abused. Why are you ignoring this? Alarm bells should be going off.

I can see that DSIS is terrified about the stupid family court deciding she is carrying on a vendetta against her ex and trying to keep the DD all to herself. That aspect of things can't be dismissed. Family courts are sometimes really poor at looking out for the best interests of children.

That is why DSIS needs to seek a therapist who will find out exactly what is going on and flag the issues. Then DSIS can go to a solicitor and take the matter to court.

Or the therapist could coach the DD wrt boundaries (though this is going to be as useful as one handed clapping where her dad is concerned).

Either way, there is a chance for the DD's life to improve.

I honestly don't know what else you want from us OP, you've given so much extremely detailed information that implies that at the very least this child has some sort of developmental delays and displays inappropriate attention seeking behaviour and an alarming lack of boundaries.

I think to ask if her father is neglecting her is by the by actually, if everything you say is true then casual neglect is the least of anyone's worries here. Okay so she's not cleaning her teeth or doing her homework and she's gorging on junk food but for a couple of days fortnight that's not the end of the world - some kids have that life every day.

The bigger issue here is the possibility of sexual abuse, lack of normal boundaries put in place at her father's house and unhealthy levels of emotional manipulation. This is going to result in a very messed up, vulnerable and needy young woman if someone does not intervene soon.

My DS co-slept with us until nine and I have a friend whose son still sleeps with them at 11. The difference is though, both parents are there. When there is only one parent (and especially when they are of the opposite sex to the parent, and I hate to say this but even more especially when the parent is a man and the child is a girl) common sense should dictate to most right-headed people that the arrangement needs to be knocked on the head as the child approaches puberty and some boundaries need to be put in place to prepare them for adulthood and to deal with future relationships.

All my three children started to require privacy when naked and would try to avoid being seen in the buff (especially by me) at around nine years old and they are boys. As soon as they started to feel uncomfortable at being seen naked by me, I realised it was time for me to start being more modest around them. Not that anyone would be horrified if they came into the room and accidentally saw someone else naked, just that it was the right and natural time to start putting some boundaries in place on both sides. Alarm bells are ringing for me that this girl is ten and she's still completely okay, not just casual nudity, but with actually doing things which display her genitals in a quite obvious way to you, who is not even her mother.

What stand out to me most is that (in spite of your complaining that she does not shower when she's at her father's ) you say he goes in while she's showering to use the loo, BUT THERE IS ANOTHER LOO IN THE HOUSE. I don't know whether this is a regular thing or a one-off but either way it's weird and highly inappropriate. That alone is cause to call social services in my opinion. And it's quite possibly the reason she doesn't want to use the shower while she's there.

I honestly don't understand why you are so concerned and asking for advice on the one hand and yet so reluctant to accept that there is any weight to the opinions given. What is it you want to hear exactly?

It strikes me as really odd that given all you've said, the consultant referral was rejected, the school are not remotely concerned and nothing your sister has told a professional has been taken seriously. Something is really amiss there. Either your sister is not being entirely honest with you/them or you are not being entirely honest with us.

Also you should ask her whether there are locks on the doors of the bathroom and loo at his house and if so, why doesn't she use them?

Well put French.

No reason she should be sore. That's the bit that's most concerning. That needs to be checked out immediately. I'd also be concerned about what she has access to when using iPad unsupervised at night. Her age group are vulnerable to grooming. Your sister needs to address it with her ex & if that is not possible she could call social services who would likely make a call to dad to encourage him to address the concerns. It's unlikely to hit thresholds for any higher intervention. Or they might advise her to go back to court. If she doesn't do something it will be harder to persuade a court that's she's concerned, say 6 months down the line,as they'll query why she didn't do something sooner.

Making yourself unattractive via not washing etc and displaying inappropriate boundaries in behaviour (the nakedness, the displays etc) and soreness are classic sexual abuse signs, they could be innocent but the fairly recent sharing of a bed is extremely worrying, we a have a duty to safeguard children-the decision for me would be 'did I do all I could to help that child?'
Maybe it's all explainable but I'd rather raise my concerns and be proved wrong-this is worrying me.

Just to add another possibility, I can get extremely sore with the wrong brand of loo paper.
However, I do not cartwheel through the house...

DN definitely needs to be taught some boundaries by you and DSis, TAUGHT, and encouraged to have them. You are letting her down.

If you teach her boundaries, you will be able to see if they are being violated by someone. Privates are private. No kidding.

Could the soreness be this? I don't think it would happen once a fortnight...

What is vulvovaginitis?

If your daughter complains of a sore bottom or is scratching her genital area, she may have vulvovaginitis, an inflammation of the vulva and vagina. It's the most common gynecologic problem in young girls (particularly school-age girls), though it can occur at any age.

While you may associate vaginal infections with sexual activity, young girls who have not yet reached puberty are especially susceptible to vulvovaginitis for reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Because your daughter doesn't yet have pubic hair or fatty labia for protection, clothing, chemicals, soaps, and medications can easily irritate the delicate skin of her vulva. Even a foreign object lodged there – something as simple as a piece of toilet paper – can cause inflammation.

Unlike an adult woman (or even a newborn or teenager), your growing daughter has no estrogen to defend her vaginal tract, and the pH of her vagina is high, creating a fertile environment for bacteria to grow. Or she may not have perfected that front-to-back wiping move just yet.

In any case, while being sore and possibly smelly in her private parts can be upsetting, the condition is not serious. Even frequent vulvovaginitis will not affect your daughter's future reproductive life. And while there are some stubborn cases, getting rid of it may be as simple as banishing the bubbles from her bath.

What are the symptoms of vulvovaginitis?

Before she complains of any pain, you may notice your daughter scratching or rubbing her crotch, or sitting or walking in a way that tells you she's uncomfortable. Soon, though, she will probably let you know that she's hurting, because in most cases the vulva becomes extremely irritated – so sore that it may keep her from sleeping. When you check it out, her genital area will be red and perhaps swollen.

Often, though not always, you'll notice a vaginal discharge, most likely on your daughter's underpants. The discharge, which can be light or heavy, is usually yellow or green, but it may be brownish. Regardless of color, it will probably have an unpleasant smell. In very rare cases, the discharge may be bloody.

Your daughter may say that it stings when she pees. This is the result of urine touching her irritated skin – though it's often mistaken for a sign of a urinary tract infection.

If your daughter has any of these symptoms, make an appointment with her doctor.

2 days out of 14?
I think shell be fine

I would imagine there is a lock but seeing as she doesn't like being alone I wouldn't imagine she'd use it. She has the door open at home and only closes it here if one of my DC go in the bathroom with her.

My DSIS does teach her boundaries. She's persisted with DN being in her own bed despite much upset and how much easier it would be to share. She's reminded not to walk around naked and to give my DSIS privacy in the shower and toilet. But no matter what she teaches, it's completely disregarded at her dad's.

I agree with others that not showering shouldn't make her sore down below. People hardly used to wash at all.
I think I would suggest to her dm that she should see a doctor to rule out thrush then I'd be looking at other reasons she might be sore.

www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/tip-sheet-7

I understand your sis doesn't want to go back to court and her concerns dismissed, but this is why you take the girl to see a GP. You are ignoring all the suggestions of this. There is no evidence for court that she is coming home sore as the magical shower and cream sorts it.
So many issues flagging here and no steps been taking to protect.
I'm out.

Two days and eight pages later - are you actually going to step up to the plate?

She becomes sore down below?

What exactly has she said about that?

I have bipolar disorder and when severely depressed have been a week or more regularly without washing. It's never, ever, ever made me sore anywhere.

I'd be quite worried about that....

There is no excuse for not taking this child to the GP. The issue could be caused by many things, but, you've painted a picture that suggests something VERY different.

Does this court order stipulate that this child should NOT have access to a GP?

With regard to your niece only closing the bathroom door at your home if one of your DC have joined her? That would also be worrying, given the fact your DC are very young.

Having now read the full thread I also don't understand why you're so keen to dismiss the glaring red flags for sexual abuse?

At least call Childline or another similar organisation and relay what you've told us and get their advice.

The GP MUST look at her soreness. Why you are ignoring the many desperate pleas that this is the best course of action I cannot comprehend?!

But no matter what she teaches, it's completely disregarded at her dad's.

She is only there eow. Can your ssisters rules really be undone within only a few days?

It can be if the dad disregards, he is a respected parental figure, not easy for a little girl to speak up

But these are personal boundaries Rix such as not cart wheeling around naked. Surely that has nothing to do with the dad unless he is telling her she must do it

But maybe he is telling her to stop worrying, it's only your old dad, you don't have to bother about being dressed around me sort of thing.

And encouraging her to sleep in his bed, walking in on her in the shower when there's another toilet available, proves he is not going to respect her boundaries, leaving her powerless if she tried to enforce them.