to think my niece is being neglected?

[Carlalala101]

I live very close to my sister and my ten year old niece; I look after her before and after school while my sister works and occasionally during the evenings or weekends if my sister goes out so DN and I are very close. My sister has been a single parent since DN was one and her ex sees DN on alternate weekends and for half of the holidays.

When she is with her dad, he (or someone he knows) collects her from school. She says he's often on his phone and continues this via Bluetooth during the 45 minute journey home. He then gets home and falls asleep as he's tired from his week at work. She then has unlimited access to his phone, ipad, tv and food cupboards. She's watched things which have given her nightmares for weeks before and even if he isn't asleep, he let's/encourages her to watch them. Her dad is morbidly obese and goes through cycles of gorging then surviving on smoothies. DN is naturally very greedy and doesn't know when to stop when it comes to food. He will buy her a large adult meal with milkshake plus an extra burger and ice cream at mcdonalds. When they went to Pizza Hut last week she said she had nine slices plus chips and ice cream. She giggles about eating ten biscuits or half a tube of pringles without him even noticing. She would never think to take food without permission at home or mine so I can only think he does know but doesn't stop her.

She is a soap dodger and hates brushing her teeth. My sister brushes them for her because otherwise she'll just pretend to do it and ended up with fillings last year. My sister chats with her while she showers to make sure she's washing, otherwise she just let's the water run for a bit then gets out. My DN doesn't care about being supervised and my DSIS figures when she does care she'll also care about washing properly. When she's at her dad's, he doesn't check on her tooth brushing or showering despite my sister having mentioned several times to him that DN is coming home smelly and sore. I picked her up from school on Monday and I could smell her breath and sweat immediately. She's on the cusp of puberty and does need to shower daily now. My sister has spoken to her about hygiene but DN doesn't care if she smells but then gets upset when she starts becoming sore down below.

DN says she goes to bed at the same time as her dad (I. E. late) waits for him to start snoring and then goes to get the ipad and snacks for herself. She is always extremely ratty on a Monday from lack of sleep. After she's finished on the ipad she gets into bed with him and he doesn't send her back to her room, despite DSIS having told him that it results in DN being extremely upset at home when DSIS won't let her share her bed.

My DSIS is exasperated with it all but thinks it's all just minor stuff that a court wouldn't be interested in so there's nothing she can do. I think DN is being neglected while with her dad and that my DSIS shouldn't keep letting it continue. DN is too immature to take responsibility for herself so I think DSIS should make sure things change. What do you think?

No, the dad boots his GF out of the bed to allow the DD into it. I do not think this is driven by the DD. He allows her to watch questionable material on the iPad that frightens her - the OP says he even encourages it - and imo he is therefore fostering a situation where she may seek out his bed.

She has become nervous at home too - won't go to the loo or upstairs alone. I would be most interested in finding out what she has been watching on that iPad.

SookiesSocks Thu 02-Mar-17 09:40:52
But no matter what she teaches, it's completely disregarded at her dad's.
She is only there eow. Can your ssisters rules really be undone within only a few days?

Clearly, if the sore bottom only occurs every other weekend, and if the OP remarks about scary movies and other material the DD is allowed to watch, then yes.

Having seen my DCs off to their dad's EOW for many years, ime if there are very different regimes in operation in each place then yes, children can adopt the different rules, either because they are nervous about challenging the weekend parent or because they are used to going with the flow, and to some extent it depends on the child too.

For various reasons, my own DCs no longer have weekend visitation but as an example of what can go on, they were faced weekend after weekend at exH's with a fridge that contained beer, a 24-pack of Coke, eggs, ketchup, and maybe a block of cheese. There were family size bags of Doritos, Pringles, etc. in the cupboard. For breakfast, exH used to buy doughnuts. The DCs were quite hungry there because exH is a dreadful cook, and they used to eat the Doritos and the cheese and drink the Coke. At home my DCs had a fridge and a pantry stocked with food and ingredients for snacks that are pretty healthy (sliced deli meats, bread, various crackers, fresh fruit, yogurt, rice milk for dairy free DD3, sandwich ingredients, smoothie ingredients).

exH used to let them lie in until all hours and they spent most of their awake time in their bedroom on their phones or laptops, sometimes doing homework but mostly watching Netflix, etc.

Some people do things differently on weekend visitation just to stick it to their ex, show the ex that they will not be told how to take care of their children. ExH 'didn't believe' DD3 couldn't eat or drink any dairy without having problems so he provided no rice milk for her. He knew about her dairy problems from when she was a few months old and broke out in hives when she had some formula. To buy some rice milk for her would have been too much like agreeing with me or doing me a favour or admitting I was right about her dairy problems (documented by a pediatrician too, but to quote exH, 'what do doctors know about anything?') so tough luck for DD3.

Children won't challenge a parent or ask for more food (or rice milk) if they sense there is more going on than just inability to plan a weekend's food for them. Likewise, they won't try it again if a few requests have been turned down point blank, or if the parent has been angry and defensive about requests or challenges. In the case of the OP, the DD has complained about her dad pooing in the bathroom while she is standing under the water in the shower but her complaint has fallen on deaf ears.

I don't think urging the OP or her DSIS to tackle the dad is helpful at all. Sometimes people split up because one is impossible to live with, will neither lead nor follow, and refuses to co-parent. Co-parenting is all a power game for them. Sometimes even when people separate the fight goes on, with the welfare of the child coming second to the priority of getting at the resident parent. Some people go through the EOW parenting experience with the attitude of 'I'll show her who's the boss'.

I too think comforting but returning to own bed is most appropriate at ten. She instigates it sometimes but just as, if not more often, he comes up with a reason it needs to happen. After initial upset at my DSIS not letting her share her bed, DN sleeps all night with no getting up unless she's ill at home yet at her dad's it's usually at least two nights per month that they're bed sharing.

I explained up thread that lack of hygiene and homework have been noticed by school but all they did was reassure DN not to worry and that she won't get in trouble.

He is precisely that petty math. Even though he caused the separation, he blames DSIS for leaving him and made it clear when she left that he'd punish her for as long as he could via DN.

It's poor parenting.
It's very sad, but the law does not have the resources or means to do anything about this.

That's my sisters experience so far pickled. She'd hoped DN would gain a voice and speak up for herself as she grew older but the opposite seems to be happening in that she seems more willing than ever to sacrifice anything for his time and love.

It is a toxic situation, and there most certainly is emotional abuse going on. The bed sharing and the desperation for a crumb of his affection and attention points to grooming imo.

Please, please find a good therapist for the DD. Again, my advice would be to call your nearest rape crisis centre and ask then if they ever recommend anyone, or you could call Women's Aid - go to their main website and find your local office - to see if they recommend anyone who could help a child who is dealing with a parent who is very likely engaging in guerilla warfare with the mother, using the child as a pawn.

I have a 10 yr old and she sleeps in her own bed but if she wanted to spend the odd night in mine I wouldn't have a problem with it. The ops dn seems pretty anxious and and a young 10. The op has said she rushes going to the loo because she doesn't like being alone. I don't think it's surprising she occasionally wants to sleep in her dad's bed (and also her mum's except she doesn't allow it).

my sister is terrified that if it goes back to court then they will side with him again and then DN will actually end up spending even more time there.

^^
That's why you need to take her to GP (and have a word with GP beforehand outlining your concers without DN present!). It would be good if GP knows what exactly she's looking at/for. You need to build up a case!
The alternative is grim- to do nothing, which is not acceptable and will potentially ruin DN's future

You really hate the dad don't you op. You don't really take advice or answer questions you just keep finding more and more horrible things to say about him.

What haven't I answered?

Don't worry about what you've not answered.

Do you think you will flag up the sexual abuse concern?

What I would suggest is getting the school nurse involved. Ask the school to make contact with them. I am assuming that with the amount she eats she is overweight??

The school could consider a CAF which is a common assessment framework and would be planned out with parents, school and SN to address all areas. I would get DN to the GP when sore from returning from her dads. At her age either she is wiping the wrong way/not properly or something is wrong, needs addressing and taking seriously either way. If she carries on it will affect her friendships and could lead to bullying and self esteem issues. If dad is involved and hearing professionals saying the same as her mum he is more likely to listen.