to think my niece is being neglected?

[Carlalala101]

I live very close to my sister and my ten year old niece; I look after her before and after school while my sister works and occasionally during the evenings or weekends if my sister goes out so DN and I are very close. My sister has been a single parent since DN was one and her ex sees DN on alternate weekends and for half of the holidays.

When she is with her dad, he (or someone he knows) collects her from school. She says he's often on his phone and continues this via Bluetooth during the 45 minute journey home. He then gets home and falls asleep as he's tired from his week at work. She then has unlimited access to his phone, ipad, tv and food cupboards. She's watched things which have given her nightmares for weeks before and even if he isn't asleep, he let's/encourages her to watch them. Her dad is morbidly obese and goes through cycles of gorging then surviving on smoothies. DN is naturally very greedy and doesn't know when to stop when it comes to food. He will buy her a large adult meal with milkshake plus an extra burger and ice cream at mcdonalds. When they went to Pizza Hut last week she said she had nine slices plus chips and ice cream. She giggles about eating ten biscuits or half a tube of pringles without him even noticing. She would never think to take food without permission at home or mine so I can only think he does know but doesn't stop her.

She is a soap dodger and hates brushing her teeth. My sister brushes them for her because otherwise she'll just pretend to do it and ended up with fillings last year. My sister chats with her while she showers to make sure she's washing, otherwise she just let's the water run for a bit then gets out. My DN doesn't care about being supervised and my DSIS figures when she does care she'll also care about washing properly. When she's at her dad's, he doesn't check on her tooth brushing or showering despite my sister having mentioned several times to him that DN is coming home smelly and sore. I picked her up from school on Monday and I could smell her breath and sweat immediately. She's on the cusp of puberty and does need to shower daily now. My sister has spoken to her about hygiene but DN doesn't care if she smells but then gets upset when she starts becoming sore down below.

DN says she goes to bed at the same time as her dad (I. E. late) waits for him to start snoring and then goes to get the ipad and snacks for herself. She is always extremely ratty on a Monday from lack of sleep. After she's finished on the ipad she gets into bed with him and he doesn't send her back to her room, despite DSIS having told him that it results in DN being extremely upset at home when DSIS won't let her share her bed.

My DSIS is exasperated with it all but thinks it's all just minor stuff that a court wouldn't be interested in so there's nothing she can do. I think DN is being neglected while with her dad and that my DSIS shouldn't keep letting it continue. DN is too immature to take responsibility for herself so I think DSIS should make sure things change. What do you think?

My 7y/o asks me to leave the bathroom when he needs to poo... I would have a chat with your sister about teaching boundaries, at 10 they should know what body parts are private and not to on show...

"DSIS has spoken to childrens services before and they say as long as DN likes bed sharing, it's fine"

Telling CS that she likes to share a bed with her dad is very different to listing a load of things that together point towards possible child abuse. You/she/they need to understand that she is presenting a great deal of concerning behaviour that needs to be looked at as one picture, not a list of petty complaints.

Beyond she listed it all. They suggested she talk to him to improve hygiene issues.

And Pizza Hut don't do chips.

I'm glad you mentioned that - I thought the same but I haven't been there for so many years I wasn't quite sure.

What a worrying thread. Poor girl, please OP, persuade your sister to take her to the doctor, to get the soreness checked out.

If she listed all that info and they brushed it off as "if she likes bedsharing it's fine", then they need sacking.

I sincerely hope this thread isn't real, otherwise this poor girl has a waster and possibly abusive father, a mother who isn't concerned enough to speak to a doctor about her recurrent rashes or (if it's correct that there is no abuse) her blatant developmental/behavioural issues, and a child services department keeping an eye on things who don't have a clue how to do their jobs when issues clearly point to something being wrong.

'The cartwheeling naked is on the way to the shower so putting knickers on is a bit redundant'

For goodness sake. She put her knickers in the wash. She cartwheeled to the shower. It wouldn't occur to me to tell her to return to put them on. I did comment not to do it naked and she giggled - she just doesn't care. My DSIS has spoken to both childrens services and the GP. The GP was regarding DN being very emotionally immature and temperamental. She is absolutely inconsolable at even the tiniest cut and cannot cope with being looked after by anyone other than her parents or me. She won't go upstairs alone during the evening (besides for bed at home and mine) and needs lots of reassurance. She is extremely loud and has no idea about respecting other people's personal space. The GP referred her to the paediatrician but the referral was rejected.

DSIS has spoken to school because her ex also doesn't do homework or ensure DN is well rested. They reassured DN she won't get in trouble but nothing else. She paid for DN to see a counsellor after their court proceedings because DN was screaming and hysterical after the period of no contact to go back home to DSIS even though her dad still made little effort with her. She isn't just sitting back doing nothing. She has tried a lot of avenues for help but is getting nowhere and I don't know what to advise anymore, hence asking here.

She needs to find another counsellor who should get to the bottom of things. This child has enormous problems.

Every single thing that has been mentioned on this thread needs to be told to a counsellor, and if there is more, then that too.

DD is aware of boundaries since she has complained about her dad coming into the bathroom to poo when she is in the shower there. Her complaints have gone unheard by him and apparently he won't respond to any attempts by the mother to contact him.

OP I believe you when you say this man is emotionally abusive to this child. I suspect there is more going on. I see his pattern of inattention (sleeping or on the phone and failure to provide parental levels of care - feeding, bedtime, homework, insistence on washing) alongside ignoring her complaint about pooing in her presence, but welcoming her into his bed as nothing short of grooming. She is being taught that while with him her dad he will treat her only on his terms and that nothing about her matters to him at all. She is also being taught that she can only have his his affection or attention in the context of his bed. Elsewhere, he is busy - on phone or sleeping or busy ignoring her concerns.

I strongly suspect that she has been conditioned into accepting the terms she puts up with at his home (by which I mean sleeping in his bed). Does he let/encourage her to watch scary movies in order to get her into his bed because she is too frightened afterwards to go to her own bed?

Being so nervous about being alone when she is at home, needing so much attention if hurt or cut, not moving forwards emotionally and socially, showing no concern at all for her personal privacy or the personal wishes of others not to see her bare bottom - all are very worrying in conjunction with what she reports from her dad's home.

Is she seeking affection and does she believe she can only be accepted if she disregards her own personal privacy/goes naked?

You and your DSIS need to ask for recommendations for a counsellor who specialises in grooming/sex abuse. Maybe call a local rape crisis centre to see if they know anyone or if they can see DD themselves.

The DD needs to be seen by a GP as soon as she returns from a visit to her dad's and before she has washed and any sudocreme has been applied.

All this sounds very familiar. FGS OP, take your DD to the doctor's

What Elvisrocks says. Take her to the doctor, then you know for definite if there are any problems and what they are.

And Pizza Hut don't do chips. My local one does - not quite chips but potato wedges so close enough.

Also more usefully I think math's post is spot on.

The soreness does not fit at all. MNHQ are taking there time about this one, are they going to update?

Do you think she has possible sn

To put it bluntly you and your sis need to get a grip and be this young girls voice. I agree with a pp next time she is back from dads ( though it would be madness to let her go) straight to GP to have this soreness seen and recorded. Then no more visits to dad. It really is quite simple.
If he kicks up a fuss and takes sis back to court so what. You need to protect this girl.
At the moment it just reads as bleating and making excuses and minimising.

Math anxiety your post makes a lot of sense. However, she isn't aware of boundaries due to her complaining about him going to the toilet - she just doesn't like the smell. She doesn't think it's inappropriate. The showing an interest in her when she's doing what he wants is precisely correct; he hasn't ever enquired about her to DSIS. He doesn't like her to talk about her home life and lavishes her with attention in front of others then largely Ignores her at home as far as I can gather from DN.

I don't have much experience with ten year olds as my DC are still young so I couldn't say for sure that she has special needs but she certainly is needy. She even dislikes going to the toilet alone and will hang around waiting until one of my DC will go with her to chat when she's here.

She has no body boundaries at all and would sit around topless and ask my DP to stroke her back for her. This was how DSIS got her to sleep when she was little but from what I can gather her dad still does it sometimes.

But Rainbow, my sister is terrified that if it goes back to court then they will side with him again and then DN will actually end up spending even more time there. She's fiercely protective of her father and DSIS can't see her being honest to CAFCASS at all.

This is so messed up. She is showing many signs of sexual abuse from my limited knowledge.

Your sis needs to take her back to the Gp and fight her dd corner.

If she has no bounderies and is with her mother the majority of the time why are you not pointing this out to your sister?

Why is she sore down below? This is a red flag, you don't get sore by not cleaning down below ?

Otherwise its lazy and shabby parenting, but not on a level where I would say neglect as in call SS. It must be awful for you to see her being let down so badly, but all I can suggest bit having a word with all concerned, talk to mum and tell her she and dad ought to up their game and explain its not fair on the child. Mum needs to speak to Dad and set it out for him. Give her a bag of stuff to take with her such as a toothbrush, flannel etc.
You can then speak to her, explain in positive ways why she needs to take care of herself better, and then I suppose its about keep doing that until she gets old enough to speak out herself. When you have her, take that time to do all the things needed and show her you doing it too!

My dd can get sore down below in just a day because she either doesn't wipe after having a pee or uses one piece of toilet tissue. I have to remind her to use a lot more. She gets itchy and then itches and makes herself sore. In these instances she needs a shower to make her feel more comfortable. Perhaps it's that.
as for her father, he's lazy and probably bringing her up in the way he was. He clearly doesn't think anything of her diet or hygine.

Sorry didn't read whole post...
The naked parading could also be a red flag, sexualized behaviour and at 10 she should NOT be sharing a bed with an adult male. Something not right also about kicking the girlf out for him to have the daughter in!

The behaviour things are because neither parent is being consistent and she has a whole range of different things being allowed or not allowed, poor girl must be very confused and as a result is not emotionally maturing the way she should.. This is a concern and could point to neglect or abuse.

I feel like you so badly want there to be no sexual element that you are denying evidence in front of you. You could speak to carcass, have they done any observations? Your sister can ask them to do so and they should also have spoken to mum and dad as well as the daughter to get a strong picture of what is going on. Theybae your biggest aly (sp)