Interesting letter from a volunteer to non volunteers

[Narnia72]

Volunteering

I hope the link works. We often have discussions about "worthy" volunteers with regard to school activities, but this was a thought provoking read. It was timely for me as my son's football team is having to close the younger age group classes as there's no-one to coach (made up of volunteer coaches). It made me think about all the volunteers who give their time to run low cost groups for my kids; brownies, cubs, football, messy church, netball, youth drama are all run by volunteers. When you talk to them it's clear there is a circuit- they often start on the pre school committee, then progress onto PFA, governors, then to the clubs that their children are interested in. It's very much the same people, over and over again. Why is that?

It also reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a brown owl, who had been spoken to very rudely by a parent, complaining about the activities on offer, and why they didn't do more. When asked if she would help, this parent recoiled in horror and said "but I PAY you to do this for my kids". There's clearly a massive lack of understanding about what these roles are.

So, open to debate. Do your children benefit from activities run by volunteers? Do you value them? Do you volunteer yourself? If not, do you look to help in any way, either by donations to the group, or supporting fundraising events? Do you ever think to say thank you to the volunteers? This is not meant to be a goady post, I volunteer in a minor capacity at school, but although I do value what the external clubs do for my kids, I am guilty of taking the volunteers who run them very much for granted. I am going to say thanks to them all this week!

I'm trying to help the football team attract coaches (football sadly not something either me or DH are in any way skilled at), and have met with so much apathy and indifference, but also entitlement, as though the tiny sub they pay guarantees a 5 star service.

I know the letter writer is a bit sanctimonious, but thought there were some good points in and amongst. Thoughts?

Bertrand, if parents outright refuse to help clear up then your dp should stop coaching. He might feel obligated to the kids but ultimately they are their parents responsibility to entertain/coach.

He is giving up after this season. He would have 2 seasons ago, but agreed to stay til they reached the "top" of the club.

I haven't rtft, but I've done 'the circuit' - from residents associations on to NCT, parent groups, PTA and local community.

I've had to pare it down as I've found it so bad for my mental health. I think I'm a serial volunteerer and perhaps for lots of reasons - wanting to help, wanting to be part of something, genuinely wanting something to happen/not happen. But also non-altruistic reasons to do with self image, need to feel 'worth' something, pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone (I don't like making phone calls or organising things really but I've also done that and things have happened that wouldn't otherwise).

I've found people rude, entitled, suspicious (why do you want to make this happen/work?), ungrateful and insensitive. I've had people continually coming to meetings and suggesting things that 'should happen' and refuse to engage when asked to maybe 'go and research contacts/pricing/possibilities and come back to us and tell us, help make it happen' because they want someone else to do it. I've spent more time smiling sweetly and trying to get people to step up to the plate and commit to something, anything, than I have actually doing the 'thing' itself.

I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had about school fairs, events and other things I've taken responsibility for.

I've taken very small pleasure from have 'done' something successfully - but have often been too emotionally exhausted to enjoy that feeling. Then I've immediately been chastised for not writing thank you emails within two days to all the people who have help/donated to things.

I feel I've done my time now but I'm continually seeing things I 'could' get involved in, and I know I could change if I put my mind to, and having to back off. I have one thing I volunteer for now for which I've received a civic award, but tbh it's thankless in the extreme.

And yes it is 'the usual suspects' round here - the same people cropping up on lots of things, I don't know why...

Sound bitter don't I?

Of course if more people did it I might not feel this way...

I don't volunteer, haven't since my teens. Both my parents volunteered for various things, still do, but I just don't want to do it. I want to keep my evenings and weekends free and not worry about having to organise this, reorganise that, reschedule this etc. I appreciate what volunteers do and never take those events for granted.

Exactly Cat. The thing that grates me is complaints about "they" in relation to volunteering. Why have "they" chosen to put the fair on a Thursday? Why have "they" decided not to put on a family BBQ this year? Why are "they" not serving hot chocolate?"

That really rattles my cage - the "they" are essentially 12 odd parents out of 300 who are fundraising for the school and organising events and the complainers are all, without fail, parents who have never ever contributed anything. I remember the reaction of one parent coming to her first ever meeting "my god is this it!" Its like the wizard of Oz - a small group making massive things happen.

Don't volunteer thats fine - but don't moan to those that do. Or come and join in and do it your own way!

Bertrand, we are lucky that we have a few dedicated coaches, and unlucky that there are plenty of freeloading parents who grab their DCs and scarper - but generally there is a cohort of parents who will organize the goals and equipment even if they are not able to coach or have the time to be the admin person etc - and that is how it SHOULD be. your poor DH not having that support from parents - he absolutely should step away if they won't help./ Or at least call a meeting and tell them that if they don't accept they need to all give 5 minutes of their time weekly, or 30 minutes once a month on a rota type system, or whatever, that there will no longer BE that outlet for their DCs.

Oh yes! The 'they' !!

I always say Who are 'they'? to anyone who goes on like this. Then add 'we' (i.e. the whole school community) are 'they'. That tends to sort it

One of those might be pure altruism, but other reasons are because they get personal fulfilment from it in one way or another. Not everybody does.

You'd have to be a certifiable sociopath to not get some personal fulfilment from seeing the world become a slightly better place thanks to something you've been a part of

I really struggle to believe people do many things without the motivation of self-fulfilment, whether it's having children or baking a cake

There are unfortunately too many people who put their own laziness ahead of all else though

I remember stopping doing a dull and tedious voluntary task and hearing a group complaining about "them" not laying this on anymore. I said pleasantly they were more than welcome to take it on - tumbleweed.

I've volunteered @ school (day trips and pta events) & at brownies and Cubs. Reason being that if "you" don't, many events / youth groups wouldn't be able to function.

My parents were both active volunteers when I was growing up. I guess I'm putting back what I've taken out, and my kids like me getting involved.

That is kind of my point though, sparechange. You think that people who don't volunteer are lazy and those who do are better people, even when the reasons they volunteer are for their own enjoyment as much as anything else. I'm not saying genuine altruism doesn't exist but mostly I think people do what they want to do.

And Aderyn, you think that people who volunteer don't deserve any thanks or well done because you think they do it for selfish reasons. Even though a lot of the time, there is no real benefit to themselves (other that doing good for others and the nice feels that can bring, sometimes).

I want to be useful to society - it is not because people are nice to me or that I think everyone is deserving and kind - because they are not. People can be horrible, ungrateful, unpleasant, aggressive, smelly, helpless, ignorant, prejudiced and many other negative adjectives... if I went around expecting people to be lovely and grateful for everything I did then I would quickly become disheartened and would have left every job and voluntary role I ever took on. I would live under a rock in the Hebrides and congratulate myself for leaving behind society.

However - I do enjoy doing useful shit - because it needs to be done - I would like to be appreciated of course - but it is not my motivating factor. We need each other - even the most introverted need a support network - friends, family and sometimes charities, local government and the social security system. We all need help and if we can help each other it should not be because we like each other or have loads in common it should be because if someone needs help then we as a society can and should provide that help. I feel that in my bones and it has characterised the way I approach life. I am not big on street parties or loving my neighbour, home is a refuge not an open house - so I help the way I can - CAB has allowed me to utilise my skills and provide help to people that need it. Other people are better at helping their community on a street or school level - everyone has some skill they can offer at some point - it is not about volunteering or not really - people should never feel pressurised to 'do'. To each as they need and from each as they are able - or sommat

Not entirely true Cork. I do say thank you to people because they have looked after my dc and help clear up because it is rude to just leave someone else to clear up after them, but it's true that I don't really feel intrinsically grateful if people are doing something that is their hobby or because their social lives are formed by what they do. I do think in those situations, they are doing what suits them, because when I did it, I was doing what was good for my own dc and any benefit to others was purely a by product.
But I agree wholeheartedly that people who don't volunteer have no business complaining about how the volunteer does things and I certainly think that clearing up equipment that your child uses is basic good manners and I don't get how people can just ignore that and watch the coach do it all.

I guess all I'm trying to say, is do it if you get something from it and stop if you feel put upon or under valued. And don't expect everyone else to place the same value on it that you do.

I volunteer, however what does annoy me is the uber volunteer and the one that takes no account of others difficulties - for example a scout camp that finishes at 5pm on a Sunday; REALLY pissed off with this as there is just no need, the scout leader will have decided it but for my cubs it's just too long, they'll be tired and cranky, and so will I be - if we'd had a lunchtime finish then everyone would have an afternoon to unwind.

I have developed an excellent side step of stuff that is above and beyond and won't take on any more, a man in my political party once told me 'that's nothing' when I told him that scouts takes up 200 hours of my time a year... that's a whole months full time employment ffs! I still wish I hadn't been so flabbergasted I let it slide, in hindsight I should have roasted him on a campfire!

For those PTA members who never spend time with their kids at the fete and spend 12 hours setting up..... just stop! Run the number of activities you can set up in 2 hours and the number of stalls you can staff and give every volunteer 30 mins to go see Santa/have a go on the coconut shy. If the complainers moan tell them that's all the volunteers could provide and go for quicker/easier events next time. If everyone keeps good boundaries then no-one can be overloaded and made to feel bad.

Aderyn
"people do what they want to do" is not really true is it - otherwise no shit work would get done - I didn't work in a shitty shop for 18m cause I wanted to - I did it to pay rent and live. I didn't breast feed, change pooey nappies and spend hours getting very unappreciative babies to sleep for years cos I wanted to either. I had to because they needed me to do that. Children are sent to school because they have to be and sit through maths lessons, long boring assemblies and read shakespeare because they have to ... we do stuff because it needs to be done every day. Volunteering is only an extension of that, Child rearing has bonus hugs and love (hopefully). Working at a shop allowed me to get drunk at the weekends with my friends, studying allowed me to get qualifications - there is always a pay off, volunteering has benefits too. Doesn't mean it is entirely self-interested just that it has more than one facet. Still should be appreciated for the benefits it brings to society.

Actually this thread has made me decide to step away from some of my volunteering.

I sound like a right defensive 'outraged of Dorking' type now - apologies ! I did not intend to be so snippy.

I don't think it is comparable to paid work or caring for children tbh. Obviously we have to do those things but nobody needs to coach sports, for ex. It is a choice.

I know I am sounding like a total bitch on this thread. I honestly don't hate volunteers.

My dp loves- and gets a real kick out of-coaching the kids and taking them to matches. That takes up about 3 hours of his weekly commitment. The other 3 hours or so is tedious, frustrating grind.

Depends how you prioritise sports in your life and if you feel having a for e.g. footie team is a big benefit to make available to children - something you may have benefited from as a child. Team sports - watching and participating has been important to my dh and he benefited from having access to a cricket club as a child. Future professional sport players often have their start in local volunteer run clubs unless you want sport to be the preserve of the well off.

I couldn't care less about sport - but I understand it is v important to others.

This thread is definitely not a great advertisement for volunteering is it? I've always had this perception that the PTA types do look down on the rest of us and think we are lazy and selfish, and quite a few of you have proved me right (at least to an extent)!

If you want to be on the PTA or run the Beaver camp then do it. If you don't, then don't bloody do it. But don't expect me to get involved because I don't have the time, personality or inclination, and don't do it but spend all your time feeling resentful and judgy of others. I'd rather have no volunteer-run groups than have this kind of sanctimonious martyr-ism going on.

And of course nobody has to volunteer. But wouldn't it be a shame if all the things our kids enjoy doing and learn so much from just stopped? If even half my arbitrary 25% did a bit it would make such a difference.......

" I'd rather have no volunteer-run groups than have this kind of sanctimonious martyr-ism going on"

Show me the sanctimonious martyr-ism? Oh, and the "looking down" while you're about it.