To be scared to leave DS with FIL + MIL

[PassTheCake82]

Some background....

Since DS was born 8 weeks ago, my FIL has been quite vocal with his opinions parenting. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding - I had an emergency c section and issues with supply as well as LO suffering from (undiagnosed at the time) silent reflux and tongue tie. Throughout this v difficult time, he was constantly advising myself and DP to bottle feed. Eventually, we had no other option.but to as the LO was losing weight and BF eventually petered out. I was absolutely gutted and decided that in order to still foster a close bond, I would limit feeding to myself and DP for the first 12 weeks. FIL did not know this and proceeded to pick up a bottle and feed him one day. I thought this was way out of line and DP has since told him that we would prefer to limit feeding to us. Needless to say he has been very vocal about this as well, commenting for example that, 'anyone.should be able to feed DS'. I realise this is quite an old school, cultural thing but I really don't agree with it. Since then, I've also had comments criticising the medical treatment DS receives for his reflux etc ro the point that it's really causing tension and making me feel like I just don't want to be around them.

It all.came to a head the other day when they were round and he kept trying to give DS a dummy. DS was crying but rather than offer a dummy to soothe him, FIL held it in his mouth, leaving him no choice but to take it. It was awful. This made me feel sick, I just wanted to grab DS from him. MIL said nothing and obviously saw no issue with it so I decided to leave the room briefly to think what to do. When.I returned, DS was still crying - although stifled by the dummy - and so I just said, "he's obviously not liking that" and said I'd take him to feed him. I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't happy although I wish I had. I did tell DP however who agreed that this was wrong. Aaaaanyway...I now feel reluctant to leave DS in their company for any more than 10 mins! AIBU? They live nearby and are always offering to help/look after DS and MIL has always been someone I've looked up to as a mum but leaving DS with FIL makes me feel v uneasy. It's also causing tension between myself andand DP as I do not have this issue with my own mum.

Feeding a baby with silent reflux is very difficult for all the reasons you just said. Do what you feel comfortable with. Have you managed to get any medication for it?

We had the same issue with reflux. It took a while for my parents to understand, now my parents are pointing it out to each other if they do something wrong. I don't think reflux was a thing before and they may not truly believe it just yet. Is your baby their first grand child? I feel like I've paved the way for my brothers future babies, as my parents won't still be harping on about 30 year-old advice! Stand your ground, you're doing everything right!

Reflux was definitely acknowledged at least in the late 70s and 80s, and I believe sometime before - when my mum and MIL were having their babies (in different parts of the country) in that time period reflux was known and discussed. (As was CMPA incidentally, which some people don't realise.) It's not a new diagnosis, although obviously treatment has improved.

You do seem to be making mountains from molehills, OP, though I appreciate this may be due to the stresses of having your first baby. Your relationship with your PIL will - hopefully - last a long time. If you can set appropriate boundaries without family falling out I'd do so.

I'm interested in your rules about feeding as I've never heard of this before. When my pregnancy book was published it definitely wasn't a thing, though that was a long time ago.

I couldn't BF either of my DC which very much disappointed me. However I found the fact that other people - DH, DP, MIL - could feed them a major plus. Each of them offered my baby a different safe loving adult - smell, voice, embrace. Surely being surrounded by loving attention and fed by several family members will make a tiny baby feel even more secure? Both my DC were strikingly calm, relaxed babies and I put part of that down to feeling secure. Sharing feeding had no effect on our bond, though I'm sure it got my DC's bond with the GP off to a great start. It also gave massive pleasure to the GPs, which is no small thing.

I don't let mine have any involvement in the way I raise my dd after suffering in a similar way. You need to be firm a d stand strong. This is not acceptable.

You sound a bit over sensitive. You'll look back on this time and wonder what you were being so precious about. Why on earth would you prevent a loving grandparent from feeding their own grandchild? If you didn't want your baby to have a dummy, you should have taken it away and soothed your crying child yourself. Do not elevate your parents over your in laws, they're of equal importance and have all successfully raised kids of their own.

Craigie I was going to post a similar thing, I was just agonising over how to phrase it in a sensitive way. I think a significant part of this is both hormonal, and the shock of suddenly having a tiny person who you love fiercely to look after.

I was all over the place after having DC1 too, and at the time I genuinely felt that people were going out of their way to say and do outrageous things to me and my baby. Luckily, that's settled down (a bit).

OP, I'd also say you should feel free to be selfish and do whatever seems right for you and your DS now - only you know the right answer.

Your son was born 8 weeks ago there is absolutely no reason for them to be around more than twice for an hour or so in that time, especially with all the things you and your wee one have gone through. I'd tell them to fuff off in the nicest possible way. You have enough going on without having to deal with that crap!!

If have been really upset by that.

He or she is your baby. Good luck standing up for your parenting style.

Just thinking re the silent reflux... any mess helping? If not have you heard about cows milk protein intolerance. It's something to ask the GP about if you're still
Having a tough time. Reflux is really very hard so hope you're ok.

Oh come on. Would it have been so hard for the father in law to simply ask "baby sounds hungry, do you mind if I feed him?"

Regardless of what anyone's thoughts are, the baby's parents are the ones who should be making decisions regarding their child. No one else.

I think the key thing here is to get some strategies to deal with your differences with FIL without damaging your relationship.
Firstly at 8 weeks your baby is very young and so I wouldn't even worry about whether you can leave him yet. If you're uncomfortable then just make sure you stay in the room for the foreseeable. Leaving him completely is probably a way off and hopefully things will have settled down a bit anyway.
Set boundaries and make sure you're very clear to everyone about how you want to do things. You don't have to justify them, but often decisions are easier to understand with a bit of background. Your FIL does sound ott but it may be he is just very keen and has decided that as you're so new to parenting (unlike him) you need some guidance. It doesn't make it right, but it probably comes from a place of good even if it doesn't feel like it. He may have felt criticised by the decision for nobody else to feed and is desperate for you to change your mind to make him feel better. You don't have to of course, but sometimes what people do and how they really feel aren't the same thing. If he keeps going on, then a jokey 'not this again, we've agreed to disagree' and subject change should hopefully take the wind out of his sails. Then be firm and consistent with your decisions and hopefully he will calm down a bit. If not, get DH to take him for a pint for an hour and let him know that whilst it's great he wants to be so involved, it's making you both feel undermined and could he back off a little bit. As time goes on you can make sure that FIL has his special moments with his grandchild and encourage them. When they're so little it's really only sleeping, feeding and changing which is why he's all over those aspects. My FIL is the most patient man in the world so when they're building an elaborate lego structure, I back off and leave them to it. Your FIL will find his niche if you nudge him in the right direction, just make sure you're firm with your feelings so you don't feel resentful. It's important for your DH that you get along with his family, so you'll find that you will compromise sometimes too.
Plus it's good practice as one thing I've learnt since becoming a mum is that everyone has an opinion and the quicker you learn to stand your ground when necessary, the easier life will be.
Sorry, epic reply! I feel for you, maybe write this one off as experience for all your sakes and start to be more assertive from now on. It can be done kindly. All the best x

Sorry to hear your LO has silent reflux and tongue tie. My DS did too and I can remember how upset he would get every night and just cry and cry and cry.
Once he had the procedure to fix his tongue tie carried out he got over the reflux.
Hop your DS starts to feel better soon.

And YANBU, you are his parents so your rules.

Please stand your ground xxxx it's taken me years to stop being too scared to tell them - I now don't care anymore what my inlaws think - my kids , my ways and if they don't like it - tough - it's taken a lot for me to get to this stage but I waist is done it from the start - you would like a wonderful mum - do not let anyone undermine or question you

Wow some serious typing errors in my post - sorry xxxx but you get the point lol x good luck with it all x

OP, I do think you may be being a bit 'first baby precious'. I was too, looking back I was like lioness mum guarding my cub. Much more relaxed with second ones. Having said that both parents and PIL got on my nerves (and still do to some extent) with some behaviours around the kids. But I am not that tolerant!

But your FIL still sounds like an arse.
He will probably get on your nerves for ever now and you have to work out when its worth reacting or not. I remember snatching from FIL (after asking nicely and then in more urgent tones) my screaming 3 mo who just wanted her mum. FIL has been horrid to me ever since and thats 8 years ago!

ps my DS1 had tongue tie. Its a very quick thing to fix. they literally rubbed anaesthetic on it and cut it with what looked like nail scissors! bled for a minute while baby screamed then baby seemed fine. Bit shocking to see it happen to your baby but its very quick.
a bit like having their injections - not nice to see so just steel your self for it xx

Seriously? ??? You don't want your partners parents to give your baby a bottle , or anyone else for that matter. That's the maddest thing I ever heard. If you push people away like that don't expect help from them later on. Surely you want your baby to interact with others. If you continue like this your baby will eventually only be happy with you....and only you. Then you will be dying to hand the baby over and have a break and nobody will come within an asses roar of you . Think about it.

So true.

Its really tricky but I wouldn't stress too much. Everyone is finding their feet with a new baby around. My FIL has never had children of his own and will constantly pick up my baby who seems distressed every time he does it. However, I know he really really wants her to coo and smile because he loves her, and he actually gets quite upset that he can't soothe her. When I feel she's had enough I just gently take her from him and say 'ah, its just Grandpa'. But, YNBU about not leaving the baby alone with him, I never have as babies, but now my older ones are bigger and can communicate what they like and don't like they love spending time with MIL and FIL. x

This is such a shame. You're an anxious first time (?) mum, probably knackered (partly due to being anxious) and OBVIOUSLY love your baby more than anyone on earth. However, your message made me so sad. You are so so lucky to have a parents in law who are loving, willing and able AND (yey!) live nearby. Please have a calm, loving talk with them about how you like a dummy to be used. Just say you only use a dummy if baby accepts it, if not a little cuddle, rock, hold is the thing. And letting them feed baby with a bottle will be a lovely thing for them and no skin off your nose when you have a million feeding opportunities. Having said this, you can leave yours and your partners baby with them when you both want to, so don't until you feel ready. Good luck, but please appreciate how VERY lucky you are to have such doting grandparents. And lucky baby too. Btw, my parents had 'old fashioned' ideas about child rearing from day one, but they were wonderful grandparents and adored. Now they're both gone and I (we all) miss them and their loving, influence greatly :-( xxx

In the days of yore when families were much larger (my gran died last year and she was the youngest of eleven!) there were many people involved in the raising of babies from siblings to aunts and uncles and grandparents.

Fuck knows how any of us survived to this generation given the vast range of different ways of treating and feeding a feeding a baby each of them would have had. Scared to leave the baby with them for 10 mins? Really? Given the apparent so so so damaging ways our parents raised us and how their parents raised them its a wonder we werent all irreparably damaged before we made it to primary school.

What the days of yore with a much higher death rate for babies? Those days?

I'll stick with our 'precious' modern ways ta. My babies are precious. 9m of my input before they are even born! And I value my time and health pretty highly, silly princess that I am

Dora that's complete rubbish!!! I bf my ds, so nobody else could feed my son and I never pumped to ever bottle feed. I can assure you my son is the most independent 20 month old I know and loves his grandparents, he will happily go for cuddles with them over me. Continue to feed your baby however you wish op and don't listen to the scaremongering!! Wether your baby is clingy or not is entirely dependent on their wee personality and/or the developmental stage they may be at.

@batteriesallgone

Fair enough....
(Rising food allergies.
Reduced resistance to germs.
etc. because of the hermetically sealed environments that we keep babies in. Especially when FiLs are so bad that mothers are scared to leave the babies with them.)

But yes, the rate of infant mortality a dropped a lot. Although I'd suggest that better health care from the NHS has been a reason rather that FILs bottle feeding and dummy inserting.