To be scared to leave DS with FIL + MIL

[PassTheCake82]

Some background....

Since DS was born 8 weeks ago, my FIL has been quite vocal with his opinions parenting. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding - I had an emergency c section and issues with supply as well as LO suffering from (undiagnosed at the time) silent reflux and tongue tie. Throughout this v difficult time, he was constantly advising myself and DP to bottle feed. Eventually, we had no other option.but to as the LO was losing weight and BF eventually petered out. I was absolutely gutted and decided that in order to still foster a close bond, I would limit feeding to myself and DP for the first 12 weeks. FIL did not know this and proceeded to pick up a bottle and feed him one day. I thought this was way out of line and DP has since told him that we would prefer to limit feeding to us. Needless to say he has been very vocal about this as well, commenting for example that, 'anyone.should be able to feed DS'. I realise this is quite an old school, cultural thing but I really don't agree with it. Since then, I've also had comments criticising the medical treatment DS receives for his reflux etc ro the point that it's really causing tension and making me feel like I just don't want to be around them.

It all.came to a head the other day when they were round and he kept trying to give DS a dummy. DS was crying but rather than offer a dummy to soothe him, FIL held it in his mouth, leaving him no choice but to take it. It was awful. This made me feel sick, I just wanted to grab DS from him. MIL said nothing and obviously saw no issue with it so I decided to leave the room briefly to think what to do. When.I returned, DS was still crying - although stifled by the dummy - and so I just said, "he's obviously not liking that" and said I'd take him to feed him. I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't happy although I wish I had. I did tell DP however who agreed that this was wrong. Aaaaanyway...I now feel reluctant to leave DS in their company for any more than 10 mins! AIBU? They live nearby and are always offering to help/look after DS and MIL has always been someone I've looked up to as a mum but leaving DS with FIL makes me feel v uneasy. It's also causing tension between myself andand DP as I do not have this issue with my own mum.

If someone else's baby is crying, you ask " would you like me to give him a bottle /dummy ? " . You don't go ahead and do it.

This is basic good manners. It's not about " guessing " and " mind reading ".

You are not BU and your P needs to nip this in the bud now.

Emerald - if you were my SIL I'd be glad to see less of you, you sound very demanding and aggressive. It's RUDE to tell other people how to bring up their children, unless you are asked for advice.

If you read MN you will see that the best and most loved PIL are those who offer help as often as they can and offer advice as little as posssible.

Actually reading your post again I have this awful vision of MIL turning the bottle round and round in DD1's mouth 'encouraging' her to feed

I think you're a being a bit PFB about only allowing yourself and DH to feed him for the first 12 weeks. It really won't affect any bond you have with him.

I don't agree with this at all. One of the things that kept me going through some breastfeeding difficulties was the fact that I was so keen to have that exclusive feeding relationship with my tiny baby. The OP is really upset at having to stop BFing and she's trying to replicate this as best she can, as is her absolute right. It sounds like she has been undermined at every turn by the PIL, and with a little more support and less subversive criticism, she might actually have managed to salvage her milk supply.

Not content with ruining her BFing experience, they are now also criticising how she is treating his reflux, and it sounds like in general they are forcing a very old school way of doing things onto somebody who is trying her damn hardest to adjust to being a first time mum (and FWIW, OP, I think it sounds like you are doing amazingly for your DS despite these stresses).

To hold a dummy in the mouth of a resisting screaming child is fucking abuse.

I think the key to this is communication. They didn't know about the bottle, so I think you have to let that one go, but you need to let them know what your expectations are as to their behaviour form now on, so that there can be no mistake.

/aside Honestly, I don't know what it is about becoming GPs that turns some otherwise normal lovely people into facking weirdos.

I completely agree with your baby your rules, and you shouldnt have to feel your under pressure to leave your baby with anyone you're not comfortable with.

However, I do think 1 day you will look back and wonder why you made "no-one else feeding ds for 12 weeks" a thing. In the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal that your fil fed your baby is it. But I can fully appreciate that with an 8 week old baby, probably lack of sleep and the fog off all you've been through with him any little thing that irritates you is magnified. It just happens to be in this case your fil feeding the baby and giving him a dummy. Ok he didnt give him the dummy the way you had but has he got any other grandchildren, maybe his are grown up and it's been a while since he did it, so next time show him, say he doesn't like that so try this way. the only way he will get better is if you show him certain ways, otherwise this will cause a huge rift between you and your in laws.

Im speaking from experience and 4 years down the line I barely see mine now. I couldn't leave ds alone with my mil for fear of her ways of bringing up children (which social services would have a field day with) only now 4 years on they adore each other, I do think I did the right thing and even now there is no way he could stay overnight for issues I wont go into, but she takes him for days out and I do love that they have that bond. I had it with my nan and wished it for my children too, unfortunately my own mum isnt that great with kids so Im glad mil is in her own little way.

I agree with others that you need to be explicit about your rules but it should have been obvious that they were overstepping the boundaries: who forces a dummy into a baby's mouth? Constantly criticising the way you parent is also clearly going to be annoying. I probably wouldn't bother with the feeding thing myself but if it's important to you you should keep it up and insist they stick to it. It's not like you're not allowing them to see their grandchild - they just can't feed him or babysit alone yet.

The exclusive feeding thing isn't pfb.
We used to foster newborns, and due to circumsyances I had to exclusively feed them, they needed to bond with someone and passing them to others for feeding was frowned on. Even when the Social workers came to see them for a cuddle, none of them ever fed the babies, only me.
I was told it was information given in some research that had been done on bonding.
So OP carry on with what you are doing, you are doing the right thing.
If the in laws don't like it then thats their problem. Don't leave baby till you are comfortable, no matter how long that is.

city has it absolutely right.

This was appalling behaviour, the problem is they think they are entitled to do these things because they probably did it- no regard for your choices at all. Why cant they just enjoy visiting their grandson, why do they have to insist on piling in with feeding and criticising.

I would keep them at arms length for a while if I'm honest, til you are feeling better about having to stop breastfeeding. Do you feel you had enough time on your own with him to bond when he was first born or did you have a lot of visitors in the beginning?

Right, first thing first.
They have done nothing wrong and neither have you. You both have different parenting techniques that's all.
I would have held the dummy in the mouth too, as we had 2 of our 3 dc who had dummies.
They sound very involved, maybe don't involve them so much if you want parenting doing on your terms, which is quite understandable and acceptable.

Surely at 8 weeks old he doesn't need to be left with anyone? Noone had DS until he was 5ish months and that was rare and because we had a concert at 6.5 months we had to leave him with MIL for.

As with lots of these types of post, its about communication.

Whilst I'm not saying its right (or wrong) most parents (I'm talking about my parents or H's parents) won't necessarily think they have to ask if its OK to give a bottle or offer a dummy. They'll think that they're helping because thats (probably) what their parents did when they had children.

If you want them to ask first, and you have set out rules that you want to be adhered to in the first 12 weeks or whatever, then they need to know that. So in the case of your ILs, you need your H to discuss it with them (just because I think parents listen to their own sons/daughters better than their SIL/DILs sometimes) and if your parents visit, you need to explain it to them.

Don't spoil your relationship with them over this - just sort out the communication and you'll be fine.

Thanks for the replies. The house was always constantly full with visitors at the beginning. One day, when DS had been up for 9hrs straight (approx 4 wks old) I asked PIL not to come in as DS had just settled and I was tired too and they were upset.

How is it you can turn them away at the door but not explain your feeding policy? Is there a specific reason that you want to create bad feeling?

I asked PIL not to come in as DS had just settled and I was tired too and they were upset.

Thought so. You have selfish pils, nip it in the bud now

Almost everyone I know who used a dummy forced their babies to take it - not saying it's right, I wouldn't do it, but it is common.

I think you are being unreasonable to blame your FiLm for giving a bottle which is a normal thing to do. I also have a bit of sympathy for him disagreeing with your feeding rule but ultimately Yes, if it is so important to you, it is your decision.

You don't have to leave your baby with anyone right now - but if you did want to they sound safe.

I have family members who didn't want anyone else bottle feeding their baby for the first few months.

Perfectly reasonable imo.

Is there a specific reason that you want to create bad feeling?

Because after all OP, only THEIR feelings matter - as a new mother grieving the loss of breast feeding and coping with a newborn, get a grip and let them do what they want to you! What's a bit of pnd compared to Making a Scene by actually managing intrusive and thoughtless behaviour?

I wouldn't be happy handing a baby to someone who ignored signs of stress and distress to do what they wanted. I wouldn't do CIO either, for the same reason. Others can do what they want with their babies, not with mine.

They haven't done anything wrong and YABU

The baby wont care who feeds it, as long as its safe, there shouldn't be a problem. Especially if its only now and again. You will bond with your baby despite this.

The dummy incident... Id like to hear their side because Im sure FIL/MIL wont be thinking they forced the dummy in.

Id say pick your battles. You are making mountains out of molehills and these will result in affecting your health. You both maybe have different ideas to parenting but they brought up your DH to be a decent person, so Im sure no harm will come out of leaving your child with them for short or long sessions.

Sorry OP I think your rule about only you or DP feeding baby is a bit much. I bottlefed from the word go and other people fed my dc too. There's no lack of bond between us. And he gave the baby a dummy...I hardly think he roughly forced a dummy into an infant's mouth.

Chill out a bit.

The feeding policy was explained - I accept that prior to that, when FIL fed DS he was unaware of my wishes and can't be blamed. What is annoying is the constant criticism of the decision since.

No, I'm not saying that only their feelings matter, I'm saying that the OP is clearly able to be direct and express her wishes, so why not do it consistently rather than letting a situation like the bottle feeding arise?

I'm sorry ?? But grieving the loss of breastfeeding?? A good friend of mine is grieving the loss of her 3 week old baby.

Sympathies, I know how very stressful reflux is to deal with. When you're struggling to feed your baby and feel guilty that you struggled with BF etc. etc. everything can seem so overwhelming. It all gets easier and you will bond with your child, regardless. Mine was prem and with reflux, so never BF and at six years old we are so very close. Makes bugger all difference in my view. They are probably trying to be supportive but set your rules and don't feel uncomfortable sticking to them. Life gets much easier in a few months and this will all pass.

People can be sad about things of different magnitude, a greater sorrow doesn't invalidate a lesser one

I don't think they are trying to be supportive because they are criticising the decisions op and her dh are making. Why do that? Unless you think they are doing something dangerous, don't criticise.

The op's decisions sound completely reasonable. I have friends who weren't able to breastfeed who did "baby led bottle feeding" and only the parents fed baby. It is bonding, a baby drinking milk isn't just mechanics of putting the teat in their mouth, it is communication and developing a relationship. Why does FIL have to feed baby exactly....? Also with a refluxy baby the way he is fed may be important

Believe me, your bond with your baby will not be diminished by someone else giving him a bottle