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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared to leave DS with FIL + MIL

179 replies

PassTheCake82 · 28/02/2017 14:07

Some background....

Since DS was born 8 weeks ago, my FIL has been quite vocal with his opinions parenting. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding - I had an emergency c section and issues with supply as well as LO suffering from (undiagnosed at the time) silent reflux and tongue tie. Throughout this v difficult time, he was constantly advising myself and DP to bottle feed. Eventually, we had no other option.but to as the LO was losing weight and BF eventually petered out. I was absolutely gutted and decided that in order to still foster a close bond, I would limit feeding to myself and DP for the first 12 weeks. FIL did not know this and proceeded to pick up a bottle and feed him one day. I thought this was way out of line and DP has since told him that we would prefer to limit feeding to us. Needless to say he has been very vocal about this as well, commenting for example that, 'anyone.should be able to feed DS'. I realise this is quite an old school, cultural thing but I really don't agree with it. Since then, I've also had comments criticising the medical treatment DS receives for his reflux etc ro the point that it's really causing tension and making me feel like I just don't want to be around them.

It all.came to a head the other day when they were round and he kept trying to give DS a dummy. DS was crying but rather than offer a dummy to soothe him, FIL held it in his mouth, leaving him no choice but to take it. It was awful. This made me feel sick, I just wanted to grab DS from him. MIL said nothing and obviously saw no issue with it so I decided to leave the room briefly to think what to do. When.I returned, DS was still crying - although stifled by the dummy - and so I just said, "he's obviously not liking that" and said I'd take him to feed him. I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't happy although I wish I had. I did tell DP however who agreed that this was wrong. Aaaaanyway...I now feel reluctant to leave DS in their company for any more than 10 mins! AIBU? They live nearby and are always offering to help/look after DS and MIL has always been someone I've looked up to as a mum but leaving DS with FIL makes me feel v uneasy. It's also causing tension between myself andand DP as I do not have this issue with my own mum.

OP posts:

zippey · 28/02/2017 16:07

Also, its nice to be able to bond with a child, and its important for the grandparents to bond with them too. They aren't strangers. Be careful you don't alienate them.

I also think its ok to question decisions made which are wrong. Eg Brexit, Trump

OldGuard · 28/02/2017 16:10

It doesn't really matter if other people agree with the feeding policy - completely irrelevant - other posters judging this are missing the point - and I think op is getting a hard time unnecessarily - why do some people just want to argue any point

It is your baby and this is what you have chosen - now you've explained it, your pil should accept it

cathf · 28/02/2017 16:11

Precious Princess Syndrome again - my baby, my rules, no matter how ridiculous.
As I have said before, I always wonder on threads such as these if the baby is the first time mum has had something that she can use to control others?
Pick your fights, don't sweat the small stuff and back off - others are not the enemy, you are not the first person to give birth and with an 8-week old baby, you are not the expert.
I presume your dp had turned out OK despite being raised by these ignorant monsters who you are frightened to leave your pfb with?
And before anyone says it, the threat of and is not an excuse for the new mum to behave like a ridiculous queen bee.

StickyMouse · 28/02/2017 16:15

You need to get your DH to say something but equally your FIL Sounds like he thinks that he is helping, with the feeding incident surely your FIL didn't just go and make up a bottle without you noticing or did he pick up a prepped bottle that you were about to use? Why did you let him?

Kr1stina · 28/02/2017 16:16

Wow, some of you are really unpleasant!

Ridiculous , precious princess, controlling, queen bee, thinks she's the expert - what a string of nasty comments.

I can see why so many of you have problems getting on with your children's partners and don't get much access to your GC. A little respect for the new parents right to make their own decisions wouldn't go amiss.

Verbena37 · 28/02/2017 16:17

emerald your comment was overly harsh, especially because the OP is a new, vulnerable mum, who is just worried.

Passthecake sorry you're having a hard time. Your FIL sounds a bit too keen!
You can easily alter their ways without hurting their feelings I think. So hide the dummy away so only you have access to it.
Maybe explain why you want to do the 12 week bonding thing.....perhaps he doesn't realise how upset you were about the tongue tie, reflux etc. Tell him that the paediatrician suggested only you and DH feed DS.....even though they didn't, it doesn't matter. They don't know that.

You can always say health visitor/midwife/go etc told you whatever it is you're not wanting them to do.

It can be very overwhelming when inlaws try to override your ways. Be forceful when and if you need to but try other ways of avoiding unwanted situations rather than hurt their feelings. Decisions from your DH to them will come across better than from you perhaps because he knows them better and won't be so worried about upsetting them if he has to.

The thing that did worry me was thinking about the future, if FIL goes against your wishes, it would break that trust you have with him. What other things will he disagree with.....correct car seat fitting/ how much formula to make up a bottle with/giving him solids he is too young for when you're out of th room. I'd chat to DH about that and work out how to avoid those situations.

Original poster

PassTheCake82 · 28/02/2017 16:18

I read the advice to restrict bottle feeding to the parents in a book given to me by the NHS and being really upset and worried about bonding after failing to BF, I thought it sounded like a good idea. I wasn't trying to be controlling or act like a princess

OP posts:

user1471441955 · 28/02/2017 16:18

Citymole- how exactly did the FIL ruin her bf feeding experience? Did he somehow manage to stop her milk too?

dalmatianmad · 28/02/2017 16:19

Congratulations on your baby.

I think your being very pfb about not allowing anyone to bottle feed him, I've never heard of anyone do that before??
I would be grateful that someone else was doing it so you could have a cuppa on peace!

The dummy thing is wrong, only you and your dp decide whether he had a dummy.

Verbena37 · 28/02/2017 16:20

cathf actually, the OP is the expert.....of her own baby!!!
It's comments like that which could potentially harm a new mum. Just imagine if the OP was suffering from PND then read your rude comment! Please just think how you word your comments and think about how vulnerable new mums are.

ApplePaltrow21 · 28/02/2017 16:21

Wait, holding a dummy in a baby's mouth to wait for them to suck on it is abuse?

Well, call social services then.

It sounds to me like you are using them to feel in control because of your insecurity about the difficult birth/you not being able to breastfeed.

When you couldn't breastfeed, you felt like you'd failed as a mum. The one thing you thought mums were supposed to do, you couldn't do. The one thing only you could do, you couldn't do. Also, the emergency c section so you probably feel you failed at that. So you now need to impose new rules on DS's relationships with others to feel like there are still things only you can do for him. So you can still feel special as his mum.

So you feed him, and now you want to stop them really taking care of him at all so that you can feel like the real parent.

It's totally unnecessary. You are his mum and he knows it. Relationships with other people and them showing his affection aren't a threat to your relationship with your DS. You don't have to weaken his grandparent relationships in order to feel like a good mum.

Verbena37 · 28/02/2017 16:22

OP, you're not being controlling.
How about only feeding your DS upstairs, away from them for a bit?
Your FIL isn't missing out on feeding him.....if you were still BF him, he wouldn't be feeding him so don't feel guilty at all

ApplePaltrow21 · 28/02/2017 16:23

oops, that sounded a bit harsh. I meant that as reassurance: he knows you're his mum. You don't need to push other people away - he's going to choose you anyway.

He'd rather be fed by you, spend time with you and be cared for by you. You don't need to chase away all the competition. Really.

pinklemonade84 · 28/02/2017 16:26

op YANBU - I read the same advice about bottle feeding in a baby book I was given by my midwife too and would have followed the same rules about restricting feeding to just myself or dh. I think you're getting an unnecessary bashing and some posters are being quite insulting and unfair.

It should be your's and dh's rules that should be followed. And no one, whether they're pil or not, should try and belittle you for those rules or try to bully you into changing them for their own selfish reasons.

cathf · 28/02/2017 16:26

I don't have a dil or grandchildren, sorry.
I may sound harsh, but honestly, this sort of thread drives me nuts.
When did having a baby become a performance art? Genuine question. My youngest is 10 and I have never come across anything approaching the level of ridiculousness and attention seeking i read about on MN.
Maybe I have just been lucky?

WaegukSaram · 28/02/2017 16:29

I wasn't able to breastfeed so I bottle fed both of mine. I also had the same rule. Who cares if anyone (and that includes people on this thread as well as your ILs) think it's PFB. For me it really was an important bonding experience since I never breastfed, and helped me get over the feelings of guilt.

The dummy thing sounds horrible. Just don't leave them with him, tell them it won't happen. They don't care about upsetting you so don't pussyfoot around them.

Believeitornot · 28/02/2017 16:31

You need to be more assertive. I know that sounds harsh but you are allowed to remove your baby from your FIL or anyone else for that matter who is treating him in a way which upsets him and you!

It's hard. I know it's hard. But once you've done it once it gets easier.

mutantninja · 28/02/2017 16:36

It is a good idea and if it's what you want to do then you get to decide. It's nothing to do with your In Laws. I just wanted to reassure you that 'failing' (it's not a failure btw) to BF doesn't mean your baby won't bond with you.

Mumchatting · 28/02/2017 16:42

I wouldn't leave my baby or child with anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable or anyone who doesn't respect my decisions or way of parenting. Your FIL sounds as he is a bit too much, he likes to put his rules and if you disagree, he will make comments or criticise. Honestly, you don't need this type of attitude from FIL. I wouldn't like it to be honest. Does he have to come to your place so often? Can't he just come once a week or something?
You said you don't have any problems with MIL so why can't she come to give you a hand by herself?
A new mother needs support not someone constantly criticising. I would talk to your husband and try to explain to him how you feel. I have never heard of such a very involved FIL.

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 17:15

I never used dummies, but I have often seen people holding them in place for very little babies. I thought that was what you did? Don't they fall out otherwise until they get the hang of it....?

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 28/02/2017 17:18

Exactly. I have no idea how else you would give a small baby a dummy, its perfectly normal behavior.

In these thread though, its traditional to embroider to make the point.

MsPavlichenko · 28/02/2017 17:19

I find it astonishing that anybody has to be told not to feed someone else's baby. If a baby is hungry, I might , at a push ask if I could help in any way, but pick up a bottle and feed without asking. Never ever, and I don't have to be told it is not ok.

I, by the way have a close family and IL set up . My late DM and DMIL would not have dreamed of it and we were really close, and they were active supportive GMs. Who did give bottles, change etc.

averythinline · 28/02/2017 17:21

I would move personally - I'm surprised you havent told them to fuck off- it is very little to do with them how you feed/comfort whatever with your child -

Change the locks if they have a key - maybe arrange a specific time to visit them until they realise you are not a child (although the idea of someone holding a dummy in an upset babies mouth is horrific) and should not have to be explained -
and your child is not theirs - they have had their turn..
.boundaries boundaries boundaries

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 28/02/2017 17:27

Moving, changing the locks and telling them to fuck off because they had their turn is not boundaries, its hideous behaviour.

It never ceases to amaze me on here how many people think its ok to be so awful to their own family, and suggest others do it to!

All that happened here is a grandad gave a bottle to his grandchild when he hadn't been told he wasn't allowed to. Thats it.

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 17:37

"although the idea of someone holding a dummy in an upset babies mouth is horrific"

It's pretty standard practice.....

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