To be scared to leave DS with FIL + MIL

[PassTheCake82]

Some background....

Since DS was born 8 weeks ago, my FIL has been quite vocal with his opinions parenting. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding - I had an emergency c section and issues with supply as well as LO suffering from (undiagnosed at the time) silent reflux and tongue tie. Throughout this v difficult time, he was constantly advising myself and DP to bottle feed. Eventually, we had no other option.but to as the LO was losing weight and BF eventually petered out. I was absolutely gutted and decided that in order to still foster a close bond, I would limit feeding to myself and DP for the first 12 weeks. FIL did not know this and proceeded to pick up a bottle and feed him one day. I thought this was way out of line and DP has since told him that we would prefer to limit feeding to us. Needless to say he has been very vocal about this as well, commenting for example that, 'anyone.should be able to feed DS'. I realise this is quite an old school, cultural thing but I really don't agree with it. Since then, I've also had comments criticising the medical treatment DS receives for his reflux etc ro the point that it's really causing tension and making me feel like I just don't want to be around them.

It all.came to a head the other day when they were round and he kept trying to give DS a dummy. DS was crying but rather than offer a dummy to soothe him, FIL held it in his mouth, leaving him no choice but to take it. It was awful. This made me feel sick, I just wanted to grab DS from him. MIL said nothing and obviously saw no issue with it so I decided to leave the room briefly to think what to do. When.I returned, DS was still crying - although stifled by the dummy - and so I just said, "he's obviously not liking that" and said I'd take him to feed him. I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't happy although I wish I had. I did tell DP however who agreed that this was wrong. Aaaaanyway...I now feel reluctant to leave DS in their company for any more than 10 mins! AIBU? They live nearby and are always offering to help/look after DS and MIL has always been someone I've looked up to as a mum but leaving DS with FIL makes me feel v uneasy. It's also causing tension between myself andand DP as I do not have this issue with my own mum.

I asked PIL not to come in as DS had just settled and I was tired too and they were upset

OP do you mean they were standing at the door and you refused them entry?
Could you not have told them it's time for baby to sleep now and you're going to take him upstairs but they're more than welcome to come in for a cuppa and a chat with DH or something?
They would have either sat with DH for a while or would have said themselves they'll come back another time so they can see baby and left.

I can't imagine close family turning up at my door and me telling them they can't come in that's extremely rude IMO and I'm not surprised they're not your biggest fan!

Well as a grand parent I have never heard of the 12 week thing.

Its your baby and therefore you're decision as to who you let look after your baby and how.

But they ate also 100% entitled to have their own opinions and if that means that they think you a neurotic nightmare then they are entitled to that opinion.

And to be honest I would agree with them

I keep a hand nearby to offer the dummy and to help him with it but I don't push it into his mouth when he's crying and keep it there

I assume his mouth was open when he was crying so how did your FIL manage to push it in?
If a very young baby who took a dummy was crying I wouldn't place it near it's mouth, I would place it in and try and encourage the baby to take it. Did FIL place it in his mouth for minutes? Is that why you're bothered?

Young babies have a strong tongue thrust reflex its ridiculous to say if they are crying their mouth is open so they can accept a dummy...it's perfectly possible to still force a dummy into an open mouth if you're ignoring / trying to overcome the tongue thrust. It's so obvious when a baby doesn't want a dummy, this was clearly one of those times otherwise OP wouldn't have been distressed.

Calm down batteries I asked OP how FIL 'pushed' it in and how long for to get more of an idea if this was something to be concerned about or if she has pfb goggles on which often happens in situations like this.

He could have placed it in the mouth for 5 seconds (nothing wrong with this) or baby could have been clearly distressed at something being placed in its mouth, wriggling, crying escalating and FIL ignored this and continued to try (wrong if he did this)

And I never said a crying baby can always accept a dummy if their mouth is open

@bertrand grandparents can be disgruntled, but the baby isn't theirs. So they suck it up and keep it to themselves, offer advice but not thrust it upon like fact. Why should OP feel uncomfortable about something in her own home to save someone elses feelings? Its her and her partners baby! They get to decide if they want the dummy in the babies mouth or the feeding of bottles. Its a mild inconvenience for the grandparents, but makes the new mother feel uncomfortable, why would anyone want to do that. I bet they wouldn't of done it when they had small babies, why now that they are grandparents is it different!

Betrand, don't bother. On MN mummy is always always right, the baby is solely hers and no-one else is allowed either an opinion or even a look unless she decides otherwise.
Luckily the real world is nothing like MN.

This NHS 'advice' of only allowing the parents to bottle feed a baby is quite frankly ridiculous. I have two DC's and have been around DC of friends and family and we have all had various family members and friends pitch in and feed our children when needed. This 'bond' stuff is a load of crap. Baby knows who it's mother is through more instinctive and natural senses than who gives the milk. None of the children I have known have ever had their bond affected due to being fed a bottle by someone else once in a while! Just because the NHS 'advises' it doesn't make it true or good advice. They change their advice every few months!

I agree shutty it's odd advice.

What about the bond the mother wishes to develop, Shutty?

Can you choose the bond that develops? I don't know, genuinely. But there are so many millions of instances of care you give your baby, how can you tell that if you let anyone else feed them the odd time it would alter the bond? I'm not saying that the advice is right or wrong, just wondering, really.

There are plenty of ways you can bond with your baby, it's not an exclusive thing that only feeding can establish.

I breastfed DD, it was excruciatingly painful and I hated every second. I didn't feel a bond at all during feeding in those early weeks, if anything I wanted her far away from me! I bonded in other ways (cuddling, kissing, stroking hair and staring in eyes etc)

For me (unable to breastfeed and hugely guilty about that) it was a totally essential part of bonding. Not saying it's the same for everyone but I would never disparage someone who felt that way.

X post with strawberry. I'm sure you can understand every new mother's experience is different.

If you feel that way for personal reasons that's fine and totally understandable, everyone must respect that.

But if you're doing it because you read on the internet you won't bond with your baby if someone else gives them one bottle then, I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous.

Just don't let them watch the baby if you're not comfortable, I left my DS for the first time with my own parents last week and he's 8 months old. I left him because I knew he'd be asleep for the whole time.
Before then I'd never even entertain it as he was a difficult baby and no one could read him like me and OH (obviously, we're his parents!) and you don't really know how people are going to cope with constant crying if it's not their own child.

You're allowed to say no to them and you're allowed to take the baby away from them if you feel they're over-stepping the boundaries. I used to say 'oh he's doing napping queues, I'll just go settle him' and I'd sit upstairs with him until they left I needed a break from the constant passive aggressive remarks!

As the baby gets older and easier to look after they may be invaluable to you if you ever want a night with OH or a break. For now he's allowed to be kept all to yourself!

OP said she wanted the bond and also read it on the nhs website. But who cares?Personally I don't couldn't care less why someone decides to feed their baby a certain way.

What ponder said!

The dummy was held in for an extended period of time. I don't know for how long exactly as I wasn't clock watching. I left the room as I genuinely felt ill watching it so I decided to put the kettle on and try collect my thoughts/make sure I wasn't overreacting. When I came back DS was worse and clearly getting more distressed.It wasn't a case of let's tty this for a minute or two, it had been much longer and clear to anyone that it wasn't working. In that instance I really began to tthink to myself that giving the baby the dummy was more about shutingshut him up as opposed to comforting him. I don't believe in doing that. He cries for a reason and it's to let me/us know he's not happy about something so it just seems v cruel to persist in trying to forcibly mute him.

Maybe the advice regarding limiting who feeds the baby in the first 12 weeks is wrong. Who knows for sure? All I know is that it's only 12 weeks. There will be plenty opportunity for others to feed him. Right now, if it helps me bond then it helps and I need that after BF didn't work out. I also find that, because the reflux is routinely dismissed, it's better that myself and OH feed as we know the difference between being hungry vs comfort eating, the right time to burp him based on how he's feeding (can be very fussy and trying to burp him at the wrong time can make him more sttessed out), when he's going to be sick/have hicccups, how long to keep him upright after etc. These are things, through trial and error, we've learned over the past 8 weeks. Yeah, we could easily pass this info on to the PIL but trying to tell FIL anything is v difficult as he tends to dismiss it and go by his own experience with babies who never had reflux. For example, because of the limited feeding I always make an effort to pass baby over for cuddles when DS has settled after feeding and I ask that he's kept upright for a short while and not put down flat on his back - this is almost always ignored and is followed by DS reawakening and being even more unsettled

Your fil sounds like a very selfish man and to be honest you sound like you're trying to be as fair as possible. It's as if he seems adamant to do things his way regardless of the distress that he causes to your ds. If he can't follow your advice on how to keep your son settled then you shouldn't feel so obligated to keep him happy and let him have his own way.

I would have been upset about the dummy incident too. I've held my daughter's dummy in waiting for her to latch on to it properly. But, never forcibly held it in like it sounds like your fil did.

Please try to grow in confidence to be able to start taking ds back if he is upset and fil isn't helping (no matter what he thinks). It will get easier each time you do it, I promise.

Ignore the people who have been insulting. You didn't deserve the bashing that you got. Yes people have the right to disagree. But, there's no need to be so downright nasty like some of them have xx

People are ignoring the fact you have clearly given PIL plenty of time with DS in order for multiple incidences to happen in the short period of 8 weeks. Not to mention he would never have managed to feed him a bottle if you had been hovering over him, so clearly you have showed trust.

They haven't shown you respect.

The in-law defenders are strong on this thread. I adore my MIL but I don't have so little empathy that I can't imagine difficult in-law relationships.

After reading your update I don't think you are being unreasonable, your FIL sounds like hard work and I think your DH needs to step up and set clear boundaries, if they are broken you take baby off him straight away.

What I don't understand is why you and DH both agree his behavior is wrong yet don't actively do anything about it. Why did you walk out the room if your sons treatment was so bad it was actually making you ill? Surely any mother would just pick the baby up and say it's ok I'll resettle him and pass him back over when he's calm FIL. If I saw my child screaming and it was making me feel ill I would never leave the room to put the kettle on? I can't get my head around that.

You're totally right, I wish I'd had and it stilll bothers me that I didn't. Lesson learned.

At the time, I did it because I wanted to avoid being the overbearing mum who snatches the baby back when he's upset. I didn't want them to think (on top of the feeding issue) I didn't think them capable of reading his cues/trying a diff method of settling him.

I understand. As you said lesson learnt, they don't seem too concerned about your wants as a mother so don't be concerned about their feelings when it comes to this. The only way this will get better is if you and DH both intervene when you see they are doing something that's upsetting DS. They might get pissed off the first few times but after a while they'll get the message. If you keep leaving them to it they won't know how you feel as they're not mind readers!

If you step up now it will be easier and happier for all of you in the long run.