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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared to leave DS with FIL + MIL

179 replies

PassTheCake82 · 28/02/2017 14:07

Some background....

Since DS was born 8 weeks ago, my FIL has been quite vocal with his opinions parenting. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding - I had an emergency c section and issues with supply as well as LO suffering from (undiagnosed at the time) silent reflux and tongue tie. Throughout this v difficult time, he was constantly advising myself and DP to bottle feed. Eventually, we had no other option.but to as the LO was losing weight and BF eventually petered out. I was absolutely gutted and decided that in order to still foster a close bond, I would limit feeding to myself and DP for the first 12 weeks. FIL did not know this and proceeded to pick up a bottle and feed him one day. I thought this was way out of line and DP has since told him that we would prefer to limit feeding to us. Needless to say he has been very vocal about this as well, commenting for example that, 'anyone.should be able to feed DS'. I realise this is quite an old school, cultural thing but I really don't agree with it. Since then, I've also had comments criticising the medical treatment DS receives for his reflux etc ro the point that it's really causing tension and making me feel like I just don't want to be around them.

It all.came to a head the other day when they were round and he kept trying to give DS a dummy. DS was crying but rather than offer a dummy to soothe him, FIL held it in his mouth, leaving him no choice but to take it. It was awful. This made me feel sick, I just wanted to grab DS from him. MIL said nothing and obviously saw no issue with it so I decided to leave the room briefly to think what to do. When.I returned, DS was still crying - although stifled by the dummy - and so I just said, "he's obviously not liking that" and said I'd take him to feed him. I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't happy although I wish I had. I did tell DP however who agreed that this was wrong. Aaaaanyway...I now feel reluctant to leave DS in their company for any more than 10 mins! AIBU? They live nearby and are always offering to help/look after DS and MIL has always been someone I've looked up to as a mum but leaving DS with FIL makes me feel v uneasy. It's also causing tension between myself andand DP as I do not have this issue with my own mum.

OP posts:

cathf · 28/02/2017 17:41

You can behave how you want when you are a 'vulnerable new mum' TheOnlyLiving.
Apparently you are above criticism because you might have/develop pnd.

WaegukSaram · 28/02/2017 17:41

It's pretty standard practice.....

Is it? I never did it that way. I know they often fall out of small babies' mouths, but if they didn't suck instantly I took it to mean they needed soothing in another way, or maybe feeding.

Some babies don't take to them, either. I could never get my youngest to take a dummy.

WhooooAmI24601 · 28/02/2017 17:42

I breastfed both DC and none of their Grandparents lack a close bond with them for not being able to feed them themselves. It's fine for a Mother to have her own aims and ground rules; just as they presumably did when their DCs were young.

So many people seem to forget all their manners when it comes to babies and children. This is a creature who, until recently, lived inside you. Of course you can choose your own rules and adapt things to suit yourself. You can paint yourself purple, sit on a throne and declare yourself Queen of Babytown if you want to. Why aren't we kinder to new mothers? Why can't we cut them some slack since they're going through change and upheaval the likes of which are rarely experienced at any other time?

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 28/02/2017 17:44

but if they didn't suck instantly I took it to mean they needed soothing in another way, or maybe feeding

Often it just means they need a minute to get used to it.

Why aren't we kinder to new mothers?

From what I can see we are nothing but kind to new mothers, and nothing but bloody horrible to anyone else remotely connected to the baby. I don't see why there isn't enough kindness for everyone.

WaegukSaram · 28/02/2017 17:45

Often it just means they need a minute to get used to it.

OK, I guess we had different methods. But I just knew when my small babies were up for a dummy, and when they weren't. I would not have held it to their mouths while they screamed for anymore than five to ten seconds.

WaegukSaram · 28/02/2017 17:46

From what I can see we are nothing but kind to new mothers, and nothing but bloody horrible to anyone else remotely connected to the baby.

There is a vast ocean between those two extremes! You have to remember that when someone complains on MN it's because they're having a problem. Most people muddle along okay without any need to be bloody horrible/precious new mums.

WhooooAmI24601 · 28/02/2017 17:54

TheOnly I've read back over the last couple of pages and the op is getting quite the kicking for daring to suggest her IL's should defer to her when it comes to parenting. That's hardly kind.

My MIL hates breastfeeding with a passion, her family feel equally disgusted by it. When they visited they made disparaging comments about their discomfort. Should I have allowed their preferences to dictate how I fed my child, just so they felt part of it, or should my own preferences have overridden hers?

I agree that there should be enough kindness to go around but new mothers are given advice from the minute they announce their pregnancy til the time their DCs are grown. Mine are 11 and 6, healthy, happy, bright and thriving but I still have advice offered by various 'elders' who don't know my children as thoroughly as I do. I'm reluctant to be swayed by advice from people in that position.

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2017 18:05

Don't listen to pps who have called you precious or anything other insulting name inferring you are bring needlessly overprotective op.

You should not leave your baby with anyone you don't feel comfortable with, that's standard.

TheFullMrexit · 28/02/2017 18:11

Yes absolutely to your earlier observation Bertrand Russel, ask both parents would they mind. easy!!

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 28/02/2017 18:14

You have to remember that when someone complains on MN it's because they're having a problem

Sometimes they ahve created a problem where there is none. Sometimes they are the problem. Just because they say someone else is in the wrong doesn't mean that is the case.

I've read back over the last couple of pages and the op is getting quite the kicking for daring to suggest her IL's should defer to her when it comes to parenting. That's hardly kind.

Actually she's suggesting they should defer to her wishes even when she hasn't told them her wishes. It's not a matter of kindness but logic.

TheFullMrexit · 28/02/2017 18:15

My first dc was dummy fan loved her dummy would never ever have dreamed of holding it in! Never ever needed too, either she wanted it when crying or she didn't and spat it out. Second dc, I was the dummy for three years. awful holding it in!!

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 28/02/2017 18:17

Yes, obviously what was the case for your children must be the case for all, and anyone who does it differently is Very Wrong.

Sums up the attitudes of some parents!

WhooooAmI24601 · 28/02/2017 18:17

When I say defer to her I mean asking her before placing a dummy or bottle in his mouth. It's simple manners to say "would you mind if.." rather than just bowling in and doing what you fancy.

We have lots of friends and family with very young babies. I adore babies and would spend my entire life sniffing them if I could but even with my closest friends and sisters, I always ask before doing anything because it's just a respectful way to behave. Most are thrilled to have anyone offer to feed or change them so they can have a rest, but it's still just basic kindness to check.

TheFullMrexit · 28/02/2017 18:18

Logic is surely dictates you refer to the primary career though? I would never March into house and pick up random bottle and just shove it into babies mouth! MAYBE it's old, maybe they have just tried and baby is full or has been sick maybe it's full of paint stripper, maybe the cat had just licked the teat. Just Ask!!!!

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 28/02/2017 18:19

I wouldn't think to ask the parent of a dummy using child whether I was allowed to give them their dummy. Especially close family. And I'd think it bizarre if my kids gp's asked me before doing so simple.

TheFullMrexit · 28/02/2017 18:20

I think normal social norms would say just ask, but perhaps some posters feel new mothers need to issue printed copies of their wishes to all visitors?

Batteriesallgone · 28/02/2017 18:22

I know my mum and MIL were both very worried about giving formula and asked repeatedly to be observed making it up / doing a feed (by sis and SIL respectively) before attempting it on their own, because they were worried the guidelines had changed. This was in situations where they had been ASKED to look after baby / give feeds. Also there are so many different bottles and formulas around now - different bottles flow differently don't they? Or something? And then there's paced feeding of course...

I don't know why you assume you know all about baby care because you had your own / looked after your other grandchild last week. Every baby is different, has a different routine and needs.

TheFullMrexit · 28/02/2017 18:25

Your lucky batteries!!

user1466690252 · 28/02/2017 18:32

I think some of these comments are from dusgrutled grandparents!

Some of you are vile.

My baby isn't much older than yours dp, i understand how it feels, I would be the same as you, infact, I am, and probably worse on some things. But it's mine and my partners baby and people need to understand our boundries. I don't think thay being unfair. And as the child gets older and you relax a bit more, those boundries can change. This isnt set in stone forever, but just for now. I think you are doing well. I hope your partner backs you up.

WaegukSaram · 28/02/2017 18:32

"Yes, obviously what was the case for your children must be the case for all, and anyone who does it differently is Very Wrong."

TheOnly you were just saying that giving a dummy in the way OP described was "normal", when others have said it was not that way for them and their babies. So does your own statement above not apply to you, too?

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 18:37

"I think some of these comments are from dusgrutled grandparents!

Some of you are vile."

Well, I'm not a grandparent, disgruntled or otherwise, thank the lord. But out of interest, are grandparents ever allowed to be disgruntled? Or do they just have to put t up and shut up, whatever happens?

MrsDustyBusty · 28/02/2017 18:42

I'm actually very gruntled and far from a grandparent, but I think encouraging anyone to think that other people won't have opinions and express them around new mothers is quite damaging and sets up unrealistic expectations and avenues for resentment and conflict.

Osirus · 28/02/2017 18:43

Some of you are vile it probably stems from forgetting what is like to have a baby. I've forgotten what it felt like at the beginning and my baby is 8 months old.

Current NHS advice is that only the parents feed the baby if breastfeeding is impossible. I breastfeed, but if I couldn't only I or my partner would have fed the baby. Even when I express, I won't let just anyone feed my child. Only my partner and my mother have fed her.

OP, you and your DH make the parenting decisions; don't let the grandparents do whatever they wish. My baby's grandparents ask my permission for certain things eg if they felt she needed a dummy etc. I didn't tell them they had to!

Osirus · 28/02/2017 18:46

Yes, because it's not their child and they have no say in how the child is raised. If my MIL or my own mum interfered I would probably want to see them a lot less.

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 18:46

"Even when I express, I won't let just anyone feed my child. Only my partner and my mother have fed her"

So not your partner's mother then? What a surprise!

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