Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared to leave DS with FIL + MIL

179 replies

PassTheCake82 · 28/02/2017 14:07

Some background....

Since DS was born 8 weeks ago, my FIL has been quite vocal with his opinions parenting. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding - I had an emergency c section and issues with supply as well as LO suffering from (undiagnosed at the time) silent reflux and tongue tie. Throughout this v difficult time, he was constantly advising myself and DP to bottle feed. Eventually, we had no other option.but to as the LO was losing weight and BF eventually petered out. I was absolutely gutted and decided that in order to still foster a close bond, I would limit feeding to myself and DP for the first 12 weeks. FIL did not know this and proceeded to pick up a bottle and feed him one day. I thought this was way out of line and DP has since told him that we would prefer to limit feeding to us. Needless to say he has been very vocal about this as well, commenting for example that, 'anyone.should be able to feed DS'. I realise this is quite an old school, cultural thing but I really don't agree with it. Since then, I've also had comments criticising the medical treatment DS receives for his reflux etc ro the point that it's really causing tension and making me feel like I just don't want to be around them.

It all.came to a head the other day when they were round and he kept trying to give DS a dummy. DS was crying but rather than offer a dummy to soothe him, FIL held it in his mouth, leaving him no choice but to take it. It was awful. This made me feel sick, I just wanted to grab DS from him. MIL said nothing and obviously saw no issue with it so I decided to leave the room briefly to think what to do. When.I returned, DS was still crying - although stifled by the dummy - and so I just said, "he's obviously not liking that" and said I'd take him to feed him. I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't happy although I wish I had. I did tell DP however who agreed that this was wrong. Aaaaanyway...I now feel reluctant to leave DS in their company for any more than 10 mins! AIBU? They live nearby and are always offering to help/look after DS and MIL has always been someone I've looked up to as a mum but leaving DS with FIL makes me feel v uneasy. It's also causing tension between myself andand DP as I do not have this issue with my own mum.

OP posts:
kookiecookie3 · 28/02/2017 18:54

I recently trained and qualified as a breastfeeding peer supporter, even when bottle feeding it is advised that the baby is only fed by the same 1/2 people. Also I have a read up on pace bottle feeding.
Sorry you FIL is being a tt, my PIL have never looked after either of my two (5 and 2) due to how I've seen them with others and how they behave with dc, they think they are being funny (pretending to kick, snatching things, biting????) I think they are being tts

zeezeek · 28/02/2017 18:56

Why aren't we kinder to new mothers?

Why should we pander to new mothers? Having a baby isn't exactly rocket science you know.

No wonder some children are growing up to be entitled little brats.

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2017 19:00

We've been over this Bertrand... Why do you keep dragging up the same argument in these types of threads. Its not against the bloody law for brand new mums to slightly favour the advice and judgement of their own bloody mothers after just having a baby!
Also (as ive said in other threads) the mil isn't putting the op at ease very much with the criticism, not alot of trust between them- why should she force herself to feel comfortable with her the way she does with her own mum?

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2017 19:03

zee

Your comments above are ridiculous- caring about a new mothers' feelings is not ' pandering '. Its a wonder why lots of mothers feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings and pnd- to much 'Well I was fine so shut up and put up'

cathf · 28/02/2017 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Littlefoxy · 28/02/2017 19:14

You don't need to be explicit about feeding. It's simple. If you're in the house they come to you & say "DS sounds like he needs feeding/nappy change whatever. Can I do it for you?" If you're out they ask you before you go what they should do e.g. What time he needs feeding. I find it astounding that someone would just take over like that without permission. My mother even asks me if it's okay to pick up DD which I Isnt really necessary but it makes me feel she respects mine & DP's role as parents.

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2017 19:14

when did having a baby became such a fraught performance?

It never did Hmm
What has that got to do with giving new families space/ accepting all new mums are different?

MiceGoClang · 28/02/2017 19:15

"I presume your dp had turned out OK despite being raised by these ignorant monsters who you are frightened to leave your pfb with?"

This argument always gets wheeled out, and I don't think it holds much water. My ILs are great, I like them very much. My parents also did a great job raising me. However, we do have our family differences. For example, my ILs have a deep pond in their garden. Their four children survived the pond, but I am not comfortable with letting my small children play around it on their own, as they were. My own parents were emotionally cold and I was smacked quite a few times. Also not comfortable with that. There are other examples. I try to address this stuff with tact so no one feels the finger is pointed at them. But no, you don't have to blindly accept everything your ILs or parents do simply because they managed to raise their own children up to adulthood.

cauliwobbles · 28/02/2017 19:18

PFB.

ApplePaltrow21 · 28/02/2017 19:19

I agree with you BertrandRussell.

The OP doesn't want the ils around because she doesn't want them around. They haven't done anything wrong, really. I wish supporting women didn't mean indulging all of their worst instincts (gatekeeping).

Children aren't toys to be bargained over.

Hopefully once we get to a more equal society, people will feel they have more to live for and so don't have to cling so much to exclusive elements of motherhood, rather than the inclusive parts.

cauliwobbles · 28/02/2017 19:25

I would have given my right arm for someone else to feed my bottle refusing 3!

Back when it took a village to raise a child things were a lot simpler, we looked after each and everyone's children and then when those that had looked after ours needed looking after we looked after them.

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2017 19:30

Oh wow. So perinatal mental illness is just people getting cross because 'things aren't going their way'. What is this, the 1950s? No wonder people struggle so much with stigma when they have mental illnesses when they have to face such ignorant attitudes:

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 19:32

"So perinatal mental illness is just people getting cross because 'things aren't going their way'."

Nobody has said anything of the sort. Don't be silly.

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2017 19:34

Today 19:10 cathf

Just out of interest - are they any new mums who don't have pnd? Is it the forerunner to Anxiety, which everyone on MN seems to suffer from when things don't go as they want?

That post certainly seems to imply it.

MiceGoClang · 28/02/2017 19:39

Just out of interest - are they any new mums who don't have pnd? Is it the forerunner to Anxiety, which everyone on MN seems to suffer from when things don't go as they want?

That kind of disparaging statement is exactly why a lot of new mums opt to keep quiet about their PND.

laureywilliams · 28/02/2017 19:41

Holding a dummy in a baby's mouth is cruel.

Or indeed anything in anyone's mouth.

I'm not surprised you don't trust them

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 19:43

No it doesn't.

It is suggesting that some people jump on a particular bandwagon and devalue the words used to describe real distress. Like feeling a bit down and saying you're depressed, you're a bit worried and saying you have anxiety. Which is doing such a massive disservice to people who really do have these awful and potentially disabling conditions. Some new mothers get pnd. It can be horrendous and can be long lasting and people around new mothers should keep an eye out for the signs. But it does not mean that people should be walking on eggshells.And it does not mean that just because somebody is a new mother they should be allowed to hurt other people with impunity, or that they are automatically right.

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2017 19:46

Hopefully once we get to a more equal society, people will feel they have more to live for and so don't have to cling so much to exclusive elements of motherhood, rather than the inclusive parts.

How ironic- you have just described my mil perfectly. Its fitting how some mils are quick to demand her dil to be an 'inclusive' new mother, when she often makes no attempt herself to hide how difficult she found it to give up her 'baby'. With overbearing behaviour that alienates a dil, PA demands and needless criticisms.

These same mils then strop because for some strange reason, their dil doesn't trust them with her tiny new born she's carried nurtured and cared for for nine months.

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2017 19:49

Exactly Bertrand, you've just done it. That's exactly the sort of prejudice people with mental illness face. 'You just want a trendy illness', 'You're exaggerating', 'You're not ill you're just a bit down'.

It's amazing how people with no training just with strong opinions think they can diagnose better than doctors and have the ability to pick out malingerers.

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 19:54

No I'm not. What I am objecting to is the sort of person who arranges their mugs by colour and says "Oh, sorry, it's my OCD" or "Next didn't have my size in the blue jumper-I am so depressed". Completely devaluing the real suffering that mental illnesses can cause.

Batteriesallgone · 28/02/2017 19:57

hurt other people with impunity

By asking them not to feed bottles to a young baby or forceably hold a dummy in their mouth Hmm

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2017 20:02

That's what you might be saying Bertrand. But catf was not.

BertrandRussell · 28/02/2017 20:03

"By asking them not to feed bottles to a young baby or forceably hold a dummy in their mouth hmm"

No. By, as some people have suggested, refusing to allow contact with the baby because the person concerned did not know psychically that they were not supposed to feed the baby, and for using a dummy in a way that many people on this thread have said is entirely normal (I have certainly seen lots of people of all ages holding a dummy so that a very young baby doesn't drop it while they get the idea. I don't know, I have never used one)

Cherrysoup · 28/02/2017 20:25

Have you stopped the fil when he starts saying negative things about only you feeding the baby? If not, why not? Next time he mentions it, tell him it's your decision and he can stop mentioning it all the time. How tedious! Whether you're being pfb or not, it's your baby, yours and DH's rules, tough shit what anyone else wants.

Original poster
PassTheCake82 · 28/02/2017 20:37

It wasn't just about grandad picking up the bottle to feed him. If it had only been that then there'd have been no need for this thread. It's been a series of events (comments, actions etc) that came to a head with the dummy incident. The dummies are used to soothe him as he has reflux, I keep a hand nearby to offer the dummy and to help him with it but I don't push it into his mouth when he's crying and keep it there Sad

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply - for your understanding and good advice. Thanks also to those who disagree with me, it helps shed light into how they feel. I just hope their opinion of me isn't as bad as some of those on this thread! Grin

OP posts: