Kids, work, everything is my fault.

[Putthatonyourneedles]

Why is everything my fault? Why is it dumped on me. I have dd12 and two lo under 5, work nights full time whilst juggling depression and Dh works full time.

I had postnatal depression with dd12. It has strained our relationship, she has a brilliant bond with Dh (her dad) but as a result social services have been in and out of our lives for a number of years particularly when I've had bad periods of mental health and now this latest social worker has declared that everything is due to me.

In the last year social services have started to blame everything on me. Dd12 was caught shoplifting on cctv on numerous occasions on the way to and from school (banned from two shops now) she denied it even when told that we had evidence of it. The police came into school and spoke to her about it, all was fine with no more reports of shop lifting or finding items that we hadn't bought in the house.

She won't brush her teeth properly (she will even lie and just wet the toothbrush but not actually use it)she wont brush her hair thoroughly or take any pride in her appearance despite me letting her choose her hair bobbles and bits. She won't wash properly, she just stands in the bathroom running the shower whilst she isnt in it and then says that she is done or she just stands there with the water pouring over her but not actually washing herself with bubbles (which she chooses)

She won't bring her laundry down to be washed or if she does it will only be half the wash basket. She has one chore per day ie Wednesday is her laundry day, Friday she has to put her clothes away etc. Not major huge chores. Small responsibilities for herself. One month after nagging her constantly about uniform I stopped nagging her and asked once for her to bring her uniform to be washed on her wash day and I didn't count the shirts into the machine, as instructed by the social worker to "give dd12 a rest from being nagged" in the end she ended up going to school in dirty uniform.

When challenged or "nagged" about anything she automatically defaults to "I don't know" or just grunts and whines.

She started to forge my signature in her homework diary, she will often be late to school or very late home.

My lo will clean their teeth, put their shoes away and help with chores occasionally.

I don't know what to do next or how to sort this out? I'm tired of being blamed for a 12yo who wont wash properly. What am I supposed to? Wash her like a baby?

We have tried positive reinforcement with pocket money and items, tried negative such as taking away her kindle tablet until she completes her chore or co operates with us. Everything goes fine until we give her the tablet back and then the behaviour reverts right back to before.

Ok, on your DD's hygiene, I was like that at about that age too. I hated washing (I did exactly what your DD does and just ran the shower rather than getting in!), never brushed my teeth and hated washing my hair. I was also incredibly lazy and never put my uniform or PE kit in the wash.

It passed for me and it will pass for her. In the meantime, I'd try the approach my mum took - leave her to it. I'd say I came round to hygiene and laundry at about the time one of my friends said loudly in the changing rooms that my PE kit smelt horrible and I had no come back to that.

Now I'm pristine :)

I'd try the approach my mum took - leave her to it

I think because of the SS involvement OP can't leave the hygiene till her DD comes round to it herself.

If you have had SS involvement for a good while, they would be better placed to assess and advise than any of us on here, from one thread, though. Do you feel they have been of any assistance at all, OP? Have they offered any practical advice or tactics?

A lot of people have taken time to respond to you and offer advice and support but it's clear from your responses you are kind of stuck in a resentful defensive mode - lots of people have picked up on the very obvious anger. Sorry if I have missed it, are you having counselling or anything like that at the moment just for you?

From personal experience and going solely on what you have written here it sounds as though your DD is desperate for attention yet fears rejection. If her father was the primary care giver due to previous issues, but has now gone back to work full time - could she be feeling the effects of this?

None of this is meant in a judgemental way, but a factual way and a lot of people have had similar experiences and difficulties in their lives - including me. I'm not a great parent, i am too selfish and impatient generally, I know it, but I'm trying and I would try and read all the advice given here and by SS whilst taking the judgement out of it and accepting it as potential solutions to all the difficulties within your family.

We have had similar problems with health issues, multiple DC and work patterns and I would say at 12, you can spend time with her without having to "do" anything. It sounds as though both you and her father absolutely need to spend some proper time with her and give her attention, I know time is limited but from her point of view, spending 20 minutes just talking and listening to her if you are in the house for an hour is better than you spending half an hour with her if you're in the house for 8 hours, does that make any sense? She needs to feel like you are interested in her and care about her in a positive way, I know how easy it is to be negative especially when life is difficult.

I physically can't do much so things like swimming can't happen anyway, I just ask how their day was (usual response "fine" then silence ) and try and bring up something I know which is going on with them e.g. How was your maths test, is chloe sleeping over Friday night, was the bus late in the sleet this morning? Occasionally they surprise me by sitting on my bed and chattering for ages (being totally honest a lot of this is superficial to my eyes e.g. Eyebrows/insta pics or not that interesting to an adult eg omg Megan pushed Chloe in the lunch queue right and omg everyone was like what's the beef and omg it was like well dramatic... But these also serve as topics of conversations for later on to show an interest in their lives!

Another tactic I have found is communicating via text (I'm actually judging myself here!) but I get a lot more info chatting on whatsapp sometimes than face to face. Also in the car, if you drive, the lack of face to face contact seems to encourage dc to open up more. Hollyoaks suggestion by PP is brilliant, I watched Breaking Bad with my (older) DD and it gave us something to bond over (yep, judging myself again here).

A lot of fuss is made about "teenagers" and turning 13 etc but I actually think 11/12 is a harder age as it coincides with start of high school and puberty etc. It's so hard when they need so much attention and time is limited, but it's so important. I feel as though if you start with the groundwork of listening/talking and being more positive/loving, it will ease the practical issues e.g. Washing and also make it easier to communicate effectively to work on these issues. I also need to take my own advice as I can be very negative especially around chores.

Yes I am angry, sad disappointed but angry. Angry at the fact that she can be top of her class in so many subjects but she cannot grasp that she has to clean her teeth.

That would have been me - and yes my parents did I think get frustrated. As an adult I was later diagnosed with dyspraxia.

I think my parents realised the truth of that quote - madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result - and started putting in more support.

We've had times when we've been the same often times when exhausted stressed and little outside support - and it's taken time for us to see that the situation is going to keep happening till we the adults made changes so it didn't.

I've got a 12 year old OP. She's defiant, she's stubborn, she's messy and she's mardy.. but she's also kind and caring and funny. It's so easy to always see the negative. I smile and ignore the skanky nails and the badly applied make-up. She looks a wally, that's her look out!
A shower and hair wash every two days is non negotiable. Neither is teeth cleaning. Good pictures of poor oral hygiene. I'd remove devices until it's done. ( And yeah at 12 they're glued to them!)

I've got DD an electric toothbrush. Seems to be a better option. You need to be stood with her in the bathroom when she's doing it. Not nagging but watching. Clean yours at the same time.. like we do with toddlers. She knows what to do, she's 12 but she's still a kid who needs a push.
No one in this world doesn't have time for that.
Run her a hot bath, treat her to some posh bubbles... Just for her no younger siblings allowed to touch them!
If she doesn't get it, tough. She smells. Her clothes will be clean. She's going to get past it eventually.

Can you get school on board? Pastoral support? And maybe a CAHMS referral?

I know you've tried to do 'stuff' guitar, swimming etc.. but my DD likes nothing more than sitting with me ( when her younger sister is in bed) and watching rubbish telly. No pressure. The TV fills in any gaps in the conversation. Similarly she chats to DH lots in the car, I'm guessing because no one is sat looking at her and waiting expectantly for her answers.

Have you got a friend that DD would chat to? Easier sometimes when it's not your mum.

I feel for her. She's crying out for attention. Yet her stubborn brain won't help her to get it. She needs you. You're her mum. You're a good mum. If you didn't care you wouldn't be asking on here.
Please cherish her. Wash her clothes, take five mins to text her or leave her a note. It sounds trite but sometimes we need to show them as well as tell them.

Your mental health is suffering. You need more intervention. You're not your mum but you do need to break this negative cycle.
Deep breathe and onwards

On top of ThisThing's great conversation ideas, I always found telling my dd about my own day helped.

There is a team in my area who are funded by Save the children charity.

You can self refer. They come along side parents to support you in difficult times. They act as support and mediator with school and social services but are impartial and supportive.

Could you contact Save the children directly to see if there is something similar in your area?

You need support, your daughter needs support and you could really do with someone on your side.

You are a good mum, you care, you need a bit of support to get through a tough time.

sounds to me like you are exhausted with aall that you have to do. having a child with additional needs, is exhausting.

things are not working as they are. what would you change if you could? what would make it better?

If you are earning 75% of the bills what is dh doing? what is his part in all this? Why isn't he getting the blame?

have you thought about getting dd a referral with the GP for possible sensory issues. look into getting a referral to OT possibly.

it is not sustainable for you to exist on four hours sleep per day. you are not going to achieve anything much extra on this. no wonder you can not see what to do.

School need to stop pointing the finger of blame and remember there are two parents here for a start.

I don't want to be a keyboard doctor but have you considered having your dd assessed for Aspergers? I say this as the mother of a 22 year old dd with Aspergers who was very similar to your dd at that age. Her sole interest then was anime and drawing. She went through a very troubled time growing up and immersed herself in anime as a way of coping with that.

She definitely needs some help from CAMHS and school should be facilitating this instead of being twats.

Your DD sounds exactly the same as me at that age, to a really almost spooky degree.
Id like to give you a view on why I was like that.

My parents worked hard, they worked HARD. They came from nothing, had little family support, and had to graft hard for everything they had. Home life was a tightly regulated treadmill of jobs and responsibilities. I was fed, I had clean clothes available.
But I never felt like I was visible to anyone. I was either causing an inconvenient glitch in the schedule that there was no time to waste on, or I complied and was invisible. I never felt loved, there was no time for anything like that when there was all this work that needed to be done.

So I retreated into myself. I never cared about my appearance or hygiene because it felt so irrelevant, what does it matter what you look like when no-one sees you? It all felt like a massive waste of time, another job to do in an endless list of jobs. Why not skip this pointless one?

I sought escape wherever possible, in computer games and books, things I could hide in a corner with and escape into, it was the only kind of choice and control I had in my life. I once tried to tell my mother how I felt depressed and was immediately smacked down with "what do YOU have to be depressed about, your life is easy".

I know you say youve tried to spend time with your daughter, but nothing youve listed is something thats fun, everything is trying to add another job into her life - have guitar lessons, help me cook. Youre trying to add more controlled time to someone who sounds like she is already trying to find any part of her life that isnt controlled.

She isnt doing these things to upset you, or make your life more difficult, or because you think she doesnt know your life isnt easy. None of this is intended to affect you, it all sounds like what a child does when they are trying to make their existence as low impact as possible, because they think they dont matter.

If you really want to connect with your daughter then try and find any time to do something fun. Watch a film, do an art project, anything thats fun and essentially frivolous, something that shows her that you see her and want to spend some of your very precious time just doing something together with her.

Storm your post makes so much sense and actually does show how easy it is to forget about how working and family life can become so impersonal. I'm glad you have insights into how things were for you; sorry you went through this. I can relate in that my parents never had much time for me as a person, basic needs were met but no hobbies or fun and I either spent all the time with my little sister (who is now like my best mate) or my friends as I got older. Home was just a place I lived, not a HOME.

...... is she depressed ??

If you think that the tablet is the one thing she cares about, then show an interest in it. Get her to teach you stuff on it, share with you what she is interested in etc.