Kids, work, everything is my fault.

[Putthatonyourneedles]

Why is everything my fault? Why is it dumped on me. I have dd12 and two lo under 5, work nights full time whilst juggling depression and Dh works full time.

I had postnatal depression with dd12. It has strained our relationship, she has a brilliant bond with Dh (her dad) but as a result social services have been in and out of our lives for a number of years particularly when I've had bad periods of mental health and now this latest social worker has declared that everything is due to me.

In the last year social services have started to blame everything on me. Dd12 was caught shoplifting on cctv on numerous occasions on the way to and from school (banned from two shops now) she denied it even when told that we had evidence of it. The police came into school and spoke to her about it, all was fine with no more reports of shop lifting or finding items that we hadn't bought in the house.

She won't brush her teeth properly (she will even lie and just wet the toothbrush but not actually use it)she wont brush her hair thoroughly or take any pride in her appearance despite me letting her choose her hair bobbles and bits. She won't wash properly, she just stands in the bathroom running the shower whilst she isnt in it and then says that she is done or she just stands there with the water pouring over her but not actually washing herself with bubbles (which she chooses)

She won't bring her laundry down to be washed or if she does it will only be half the wash basket. She has one chore per day ie Wednesday is her laundry day, Friday she has to put her clothes away etc. Not major huge chores. Small responsibilities for herself. One month after nagging her constantly about uniform I stopped nagging her and asked once for her to bring her uniform to be washed on her wash day and I didn't count the shirts into the machine, as instructed by the social worker to "give dd12 a rest from being nagged" in the end she ended up going to school in dirty uniform.

When challenged or "nagged" about anything she automatically defaults to "I don't know" or just grunts and whines.

She started to forge my signature in her homework diary, she will often be late to school or very late home.

My lo will clean their teeth, put their shoes away and help with chores occasionally.

I don't know what to do next or how to sort this out? I'm tired of being blamed for a 12yo who wont wash properly. What am I supposed to? Wash her like a baby?

We have tried positive reinforcement with pocket money and items, tried negative such as taking away her kindle tablet until she completes her chore or co operates with us. Everything goes fine until we give her the tablet back and then the behaviour reverts right back to before.

If my kids had to be referred to social services then I'd find a way to get more sociable hours. But you can't hide behind your qualification/job either - My sister and bro-in-law are a nurse and paramedic and both work nights opposite each other. Their kids weren't referred to SS. My bf is a single mum and a MH nurse and works nights but her kids havent been referred either.

There is clearly something wrong in your family set up if your dd feels this way and it's problematic enough for SS to assess your home. You clearly have a problem. Surely you should try and fix it?

What was the referral to ss based on, loosely? Have they made any helpful suggestions? Has anyone suggested family therapy? Or CAMHS?

Atenco- yes I have the lo's during the day. Take them to nursery etc. Dh puts them to bed etc. So I try to do most of the housework as I'm at home during the day.

Well Astoria, congrats on having your sister and bro-in-law have a fan-fucking-tastic family whilst juggling their jobs. Congrats to your bf for being oh-such-a-better-parent than I am.

Sorry that I have kids and depression.

The ss referral was based on dd12 being caught stealing and looking disheveled at school and my mental health taking a huge plunge due to ss being involved again.

I thought the referral was down to mental health issues previously.

I think some of thiis might be about approach - so for e.g. my 11/12 yr old is bright. BUT she is a nightmare mess maker (everyone comments) but I have to learn her room is her room. So I leave it until hoovering is needed then ask her to tidy the floor and make sure washing is in a pile. She does to an extent but often I only get half the washing then another batch later on when she realises she missed it. Its not deliberate its just how they operate at that age. Teeth cleaning I think there is alot of forgetting that goes on - but I don't nag abut it I tell her why she has to do i t and luckily she sucks in knowledge from utubers and school from videos they see about hygiene and germs - that is what switched mine from a once a week bath under protest (plus 1 swim with school and a shower) to regular showers and occasional baths but lots of focus on washing. I don't think it is deliberate - they have lots on their plates - if she is new to high school too there is a massive increase in self reliance, plus homework so there is alot to fit in. Be patient, do less ironing (really its not necessary I don't do any other than when a work shirt is needed or there is a wedding), get a routine for the rest - I do clean and hoover Fridays (2 hrs ish) plus kitchen clean down most days and bathrooms Fridays and Tuesdays a whip round. Rubbish as I go along and I throw as much as possible as soon as possible and always have a charity bag on the go to get stuff out of the house. Stuff is the worst enemy.

If she likes hoovering expand which rooms she is doing and count that on her chores and forgive her things she is not so good at.

Absolutely everything that knittingwithnettles said, also Missy and Verbena

This isn't meant to be a be a dig at you Putthat, because you're obviously trying and SS are giving you are hard time and you've clearly got loads on your plate, but.... As a stranger reading your posts, it's all about the needs of your littlest ones, and it's like your older child is expected to step up. And you come across as almost angry that this is happening as you need it to given the additional demands of your MH and your work.
12 isn't really at all old.

I'm wondering if your DD might be classed as a "Young Carer" (not a label to judge you), but just as someone who might be regularly asked to do more than her natural age and stage.

I agree with PPs that she's screaming out for love and attention, and urge you to find time/energy to supply that.

Get SS on your side to give you support and help - that's supposed to be what they're there for. (assume you are categorised as "Child in Need"?
And do talk to the school - they should be very supportive, both in terms of backing you up and in offering her after-school activities which she might enjoy.

Again, not a dig, but there doesn't sound like there's a lot of fun in her life... Hardworking parents, an unhappy mum, needy younger siblings (none of this anyone's fault, and families need to pull together, just trying to see this from a 12 yr old perspective). Is there anything you can do to give her more fun? Also, how involved is she with her siblings? Are they separate to her? Can she "help" and can you massively praise her for that?

Please try and look at things you can praise her for. She sounds like she's craving it.

But things sound very tough for you, so x x x for you too. I really hope things get better.

you seem to come accross as quite defensive OP and that is understandable, noone likes having SS involved but people have tried to help and you keep making excuses. SS will not close the case if you are not taking responsibility for your own actions and your parenting. There are obviously areas you could improve on but instead of acting on it and takin peoples ideas you are making excuses. This will most likely be a cause of concern for SS.

But the things I ask of her aren't above her age. She isn't involved in caring for anyone. Literally her chores (one per day) are clean her room, bring laundry down, put her clothes away. She doesn't do anything else other than pass me the recycling if she is in the kitchen.

She isn't involved with her siblings tbh. She just shouts at them for touching her stuff or when they talk to her.

She is the one who refuses to participate in order to do the fun things such as getting washed and dressed. You can not go bowling if you don't get dressed or if you smell. I don't think that is unreasonable.

i don't get why people are giving you such a hard time?
12 years old is plenty old enough to be practicing basic self hygiene without needing to be told - christ alive by the time i was 12 i was getting myself up and out the house with no intervention.
OP don't blame yourself for this
Maybe try taking her for a pamper day? time in a spa then nails done and wander round lush? Might encourage her to maintain it?

I agree with PP. love bombing could be your way forward. She's at a horribly vulnerable age especially for girls.
It might not feel like she's young at 12 compared with your Lo. But when your lo are 12 you will think they are young.
She needs lots of affection at this stage, then, eventually she'll be ready to take on some acts that give back to the family.
All the best O.P

Putthat, what was your relationship with your Mum like? Would you like to of been closer to your own Mum? You don't have to answer here but it maybe worth considering.

DD doesn't get her kindle until her daily job done, wash/shower/bath after school and teeth brush. Doesn't matter what time of day these things happen, just that they start to happen regularly.

She's 12. She's struggling. Mum is ill and constantly busy. Her hormones are all over the place. Kid probably feels lonelier than she knows how to handle.

Can you get a cleaner? Take some of the pressure off in one area of your life.

I'm sorry you have MH issues, genuinely I am and I feel deeply for you. But the baby you brought into the world needs you, you have to step up and try something different even if it means the two little ones sit in front of the telly for a couple of hours, or a couple of loads of laundry don't get ironed, or you all just eat a quick sandwich for tea. Skim time wherever you can and give it to her. It's not a reward, don't take her places or buy her things. Just talk to her, play a game and chat casually.

You are her yardstick for normal, and you have challenges she is seeing on a daily basis. It might take her a little while longer than the average kid to get these 'basics' down.

I'm not having a go. I say this as a kid who was very much like your daughter. I could have done with more time, patience and empathy for what it was like to come second to mothers self harming.

My mother was an evil emotionally abusive neglectful gas lighting narssastic bitch queen from hell. Dragged up in a benefit reliant single parent family as the eldest of 4.

She sounds depressed. She's not washing, not cleaning her teeth properly - it's self neglect, and that's a common symptom of a mental health issue. She doesn't want to look after herself and you need to find out why. Why does she not want to feel clean? Why will she go without a coat in cold weather?

It might be that she's just a stubborn wee madam, maybe she just wants attention, but there are some warning signs in here that I would be looking for medical advice around. The degree of avoidance she's demonstrating - bringing down clean clothes to be washed etc - suggests she's not being lazy, it's a concerted effort to avoid basic cleanliness. It's not active self harm, but she's showing worrying signs of not caring about herself.

You're rushed off your feet and just about hanging in there, and god knows it's hard if you're feeling well, never mind when your own mental health isn't great. This is the very last thing you need, but it's not about you, it's about her at the moment. It's not about fault, it is what it is - we do the best we can with what we have. Ask social services about mental health support for teens/preteens, and speak to your GP.

Can you get her to brush her teeth downstairs in the kitchen while you are giving the LOs their breakfast?

I agree with other posters some more one on one time with her would be great for both of you but I can see how it would be hard to fit in. Could you give her an extra chore that you do together eg dishes, cleaning the kitchen or cooking, whatever you can fit in?. It could give you a chance to chat.

It must be really hard

Is she perhaps depressed? Or is it that's she's on the cusp of puberty and in desperate need of attention from you that you are struggling to give, both from a time point of view and from an emotional one? I think sometimes we get so focused on practical day to day stuff we forget that we need to let that slide a bit and focus on our children. Give her your time and attention whenever you can, even if something else has to give for a while. Not easy but maybe necessary xx

She sounds depressed and you seem to hide behind "everything is my fault" so you don't have to accept any responsibility.
You have blamed a 12 year old for a lot and blamed social services for your mental health.
Step 1 should be giving yourself a break, you aren't doing perfectly but you are doing very well in a hard situation. It's ok for her to make mistakes and it's ok for you to make mistakes.
Try focusing on the good bits with her, be positive.

Does DD understand why SS are involved with your family?
Has she spoken with them?

Its clear as a family you are struggling but your posts dont read like you want a solution just that its not your fault and your DD is to blame.

Being a parent is never easy but there are 2 of you and surely you both can find time to parent her. Yes the younger ones are more dependant but they too need to learn to behave while their sibling has some attention.

Sitting back and doing nothing while saying " she is old enough to do it/know better" will not solve this.
Every bit of advice given on this thread has been met with:
Dont have time
Younger ones need more care
She refuses
Why waste money
She gives up

So what are you going to do to support your child?
SS will not end involvement with you until they feel that DD is being cared for.

She's obviously very unhappy, she gets no rewards, no one to one time and watches her parents put their jobs and younger siblings first and your illness will be impacting too.

Just because she's 12 doesn't mean the parenting is optional, she's still a chid.

Put yourself in her shoes, is that the life you would want to be in? Always second best, no time for you and nothing nice to look forward too?

I think she sounds depressed too. The preteen and teen years can be really difficult, they are stuck between being girls and young women, and it's not always easy to deal with. I have two teen girls myself and we've had some testing times.

I appreciate things are difficult but she sounds very sad. She needs some more time from you and her dad. Could school offer any more support?

Oh OP i am sorry but I searched your posts as i cannot get my head around your reluctance to parent DD. I know its not the done thing but I think its important to this situation.
You have said in a pp you suffered with pnd after having her and that you have never clicked/bonded with her but your younger DC are in your heart.
That really matters and does explain why you are dealing with this so badly and come across as cold towards her.

You need to get some help with this. You know it is not right and I can only imagine DD is now old enough to realise you treat her differently to her siblings. It may explain why she is behaving the way she is.

Is it possible that your DD needs more attention?
Ok I know she's 12 but puberty is a hard time and sometimes knowing you're loved just how you are, is worth 1,000 nags.
Your intention is a good one in telling her that she can't come bowling if she doesn't wash but it could easily come across as you don't see her as good enough to enjoy going out with the rest of the family, which could in turn exacerbate the problem.
I would make a point of helping her get her clothes out of her room yourself for now . Run her a bath if you have one and check her teeth and tell her to try again if needed.
Let her know she's worth taking care of, and she'll start to believe it and take more responsibility.

She sounds like a deeply unhappy little girl who is depressed and given up and is acting out as a call for help.

This post should be about how you help her, instead read your posts it's all about how your mental health has suffered and the impact she has on you and your two other children, nothing really about her

OP your daughter is trying to tell you, her DF, the school in fact anyone that's she's unhappy, frightened and desperately in need of help and support. Sadly, no one is listening never mind taking any action. Her behaviour is far from normal but she needs help not punishing.

Yep if you read your own posts you come across as loving your younger DC but just being annoyed by dd. Clearly we know you do love her, but maybe she doesn't see it.

Sounds like she's a boring life.

Even as you talk about what she's good at, manga, guitar, its still all v critical. Esp re guitar, she expresses an interest but your annoyed v soon cos she won't practise... Can you not let her have some fun, every hobby doesn't have to turn into a job with strict practice routines.

Also, setting up to do stuff with her and then cancelling cos she hasn't washed?? Where is there any benefit to her in this?

Maybe your and dh current working hours are not conducive to parenting three children. But I dont see why even now you cannot spend time with her doing something she enjoys. Say at weekend for u, at night for dh.

Does she have any friends? Can she bring them home? Or do her younger siblings prevent this?

As others have said, wash her clothes, enc brushing hair, teeth etc. She is only 12, still a child. I'd, hard tho it is, make determined effort to stop the criticism. Also, she's not responsible for ur dh s health.