Kids, work, everything is my fault.

[Putthatonyourneedles]

Why is everything my fault? Why is it dumped on me. I have dd12 and two lo under 5, work nights full time whilst juggling depression and Dh works full time.

I had postnatal depression with dd12. It has strained our relationship, she has a brilliant bond with Dh (her dad) but as a result social services have been in and out of our lives for a number of years particularly when I've had bad periods of mental health and now this latest social worker has declared that everything is due to me.

In the last year social services have started to blame everything on me. Dd12 was caught shoplifting on cctv on numerous occasions on the way to and from school (banned from two shops now) she denied it even when told that we had evidence of it. The police came into school and spoke to her about it, all was fine with no more reports of shop lifting or finding items that we hadn't bought in the house.

She won't brush her teeth properly (she will even lie and just wet the toothbrush but not actually use it)she wont brush her hair thoroughly or take any pride in her appearance despite me letting her choose her hair bobbles and bits. She won't wash properly, she just stands in the bathroom running the shower whilst she isnt in it and then says that she is done or she just stands there with the water pouring over her but not actually washing herself with bubbles (which she chooses)

She won't bring her laundry down to be washed or if she does it will only be half the wash basket. She has one chore per day ie Wednesday is her laundry day, Friday she has to put her clothes away etc. Not major huge chores. Small responsibilities for herself. One month after nagging her constantly about uniform I stopped nagging her and asked once for her to bring her uniform to be washed on her wash day and I didn't count the shirts into the machine, as instructed by the social worker to "give dd12 a rest from being nagged" in the end she ended up going to school in dirty uniform.

When challenged or "nagged" about anything she automatically defaults to "I don't know" or just grunts and whines.

She started to forge my signature in her homework diary, she will often be late to school or very late home.

My lo will clean their teeth, put their shoes away and help with chores occasionally.

I don't know what to do next or how to sort this out? I'm tired of being blamed for a 12yo who wont wash properly. What am I supposed to? Wash her like a baby?

We have tried positive reinforcement with pocket money and items, tried negative such as taking away her kindle tablet until she completes her chore or co operates with us. Everything goes fine until we give her the tablet back and then the behaviour reverts right back to before.

She sounds depressed. Not surprising considering you also suffered depression and it's often passed down through poor self-care and mental health management habits. Like others have suggested it seems your dd isn't feeling much love at home - not surprising when you have two toddlers at home, and your entire focus seems to be them and housework.

If I were you I'd outsource the housework, replace the job with unsociable work hours with a 9-5, and focus on rebuilding trust between yourself and your dd. There is clearly something wrong - but she doesn't trust you enough to tell you. Not surprising when you don't even wash her clothes!

By the way I was the same way as your dd at 12. Mum blamed me. And her focus was on her perfect kids (with me as the black sheep) & so eventually I stopped communicating. Nobody had time for me until I turned 15 and discovered older men - trust me you don't want her to go down my route. Get to the root of the problem before it gets worse.

Swimming is a red herring. Some kids don't like swimming.

But the teeth brushing. Well just leave it for a bit. Give her raw veg as snacks, they help clean teeth a bit. Buy loads of fun towels, a bathrobe for her, new pjs..try and give her the message she is worth washing, worth caring for her. Poor self care can be just an expression of poor self esteem, you literally don't care. Could she be mimicking your depression earlier - is a pattern she feels at home with? Mothers and daughters often have very strong mirroring patterns, you feel bad she also feels bad, but cannot express it except by making things worse still. I am so sorry. It is hard.

OP, do you think your dd could be depressed? After all, most of her life you have been struggling with your mental health. People around a mentally unwell person often have a reaction when the person starts to get better- sort of while there is a family crisis they cope, but later they struggle and have a big blip. She could also have inherited a tendency to have hormonally-based depression, so may be finding puberty really difficult. Go easy on her and try to give her lots of love- having been there you know how to support her, after all. Does she have other women she can turn to? aunts? friends? Teenage girls often need an older shoulder to cry on who isn't their mum. Does she have a good group of friends? She sounds like someone who is crying inside and doesn't want to be there, and refusing to self-care/ not caring about hygiene is a way of acting that out, as I am sure you know.

Not you literally don't care, she literally doesn't care, I meant.

x post Missy you've have said exactly what I meant to say

OP as parents you really do need to start looking at how much time you actually parent your 12 yo child as it appears not a lot.

Again you have just ignored my question about teeth brushing so I will assume that neither of you has the time to spend supervising her brushing her teeth.

Maybe less time ironing clothes which will be crumpled anyway and more time parenting would be an idea?
Do either of you do anything nice with her/them on your days off?
I only get 2 days off per week like your DH and I am a single mum of 3 but even i manage 1 of those days as a family day.

Sorry OP but now it just sounds like you are making excuses and blaming a child because you two wont parent her. Maybe SS need to offer you more support/parenting classes?

You paint a picture of you being consumed by two dependent children and running a household, where is the time for her she is picking battles to get your attention she sounds depressed and very negative, she needs positive attention. Stopping stuff merely builds her view you don't care

I havent ignored your quesion Re: watching her brush her teeth she used to brush her teeth no problems. She will go upstairs and say she has cleaned her teeth whilst we are getting the lo breakfasts. When you ask her if she has brushed her teeth you are met with strops and screams. I have asked her if she has brushed her teeth and was met with a 10 minutes screaming session because she claimed that she already had. Because we spend more time encouraging her to get ready and making sure she has done A B and C and got her pe kit or lunchbox that mornings are chaos and we spend more time getting her ready for school than the two lo's.

I am afraid that is parenting.

You know she isnt doing it so the new morning routine is to stand their and watch.
You cannot just stop parenting your child because you have 2 younger ones!! Christ the poor girl.

There

You have a lot on your plate. Working nights and two smaller children. With your DD wash her clothes even if it means collecting them. But try not to stress about her showering. I think she is only doing it for attention and to be difficult. Tell her fine she will have rotten teeth and dentures before she is 30 but that's her lookout.

Sorry that I'm trying to read through each post and respond accordingly. .Heaven forbid that I didn't respond immediately about the teeth brushing.

Francis- yes she has been told that not washing will mean that she will smell. She doesn't care. We've tried going out just me and her. We were supposed to go and see the fantastic beasts movie but her behaviour was horrendous and she lied and I'm sorry but I will not reward that behaviour. We have tried to have game nights but she would rather sit on her tablet .

I agree with knitting.
It sounds as though she needs lots of love and actually more mum and dad time perhaps.
I understand you're busy with full time work and the two little ones but perhaps because of her age, you've been giving her more responsibility but not as much attention as the younger two?

Once they get to that age, it's very easy (and I don't mean to sound judgemental as Im not trying to) to let them crack on with it. They have their phones and their mates but actually, they need as much, if not more parental input. Do you have chance to properly spend time together, just you and her? Go shopping together at the weekend whilst DH has the other dcs. Ask her how she is feeling. If she feels numb, low, sad etc, chat to her and ask questions. Maybe watch a movie together once a week when the other two are in bed etc.

Sometimes all they need is more input. I was guilty of letting my dd sit in her room for hours on her phone etc.....until I realised that she didn't actually enjoy it really and she wanted time to chat to me. It's hard because DS has ASD and so I have to spend a lot fo time with him coaxing him to do basic things but I make sure I spend time chatting to dd every day which makes her feel better she says.

It isnt easy but I'd perhaps tone down the whole chore thing and make her life a bit more simple whilst she is going through this tricky stage.

I think it sounds like you are doing really well, and doing lots for her and the social worker is actually not being terribly supportive in her approach. I know how hard it is getting all the PE kit and lunchbox stuff sorted with uncooperative children, it is certainly not a little thing to manage with two smaller kids in tow.

However, just take a step back, mentally tell the social workers to stop putting you down and f**off (but not in RL) and THEN take a deep breath and do things your way, whatever it takes to get through the day and be nice to her, short cuts, ready meals, less decorating. She is your daughter, and you have a relationship with her that NO-ONE else will ever have, and you can build it up in the way you do best, and believe in yourself as her mum, the good caring mum you are to her. And wash her clothes. Don't let anyone ask you to play silly buggers with that aspect of her life for the sake of independence skills, right now.

Just wondering but how are her other executive functioning skills? Putting on her shoes, putting her coat on, getting out of bed etc? Are you constantly nagging her and her going against you?
Does she have a concept of time? Not telling the time but the actual concept of it?

Is she on the spectrum at all ? Girls mask it very well. The lack of personal care and self worth are screaming at me (son has ASD)

Astoria-the job I do is one that I have a degree in, spent 4 years training and 6 years earning. 9-5 jobs roles are nearly non existent plus my skill set is not compatible. Not to mention the significant pay cut would impact us financially as I wouldn't be able to afford 35 hours of nursery a week for the youngest and 15 hours for the middle so I wouldn't be able to work.
I do wash her clothes. When they are in the washing machine. she will even bring down clean clothes rather than the dirty ones.

What is she good at? What are her good qualities? What makes her special? Her behaviour all sounds like it's screaming GIVE ME ATTENTION and it may be counter productive to focus on the negative. Maybe have a think about something you could do together as a reward for her doing something positive (even if it's not one of the things you're nagging her about) such as positive feedback from a teacher or anything really.
Maybe try to build her up and her behaviour may improve as a result. You're doing the best you can xxx

OP, can I ask, do you love her? Before you have a knee jerk reaction to being asked that question, just give yourself a second. I think questioning your love or bond with a child is somewhat of a taboo subject - and believe me, I have experience of that as I too struggled to bond with my eldest and he has a much stronger bond with dh. I sometimes question my love for him and he can be a very challenging child (age 5). But I also realise that it's my job to ensure he doesn't question it so I go the extra mile to give him attention - even when he's been driving me crazy and I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than spend another 5 minutes with him! But I definitely don't always get it right. Far from it.

Could you try having special time with her? That is, a regular time slot where she gets to choose what you do. It must be together (I.e. Not watching her play on a tablet) and it must be unconditional, that is not dependant on her behaviour. Which can be hard, but is the most important part. She needs to hear that she's loved even at her worst. She will probably resist this to start with, but persevere if you can. If she feels rejected then the natural response is to protect ourselves by rejecting first.

I think some children make it more difficult to love them - so we have to try harder.

Verbena no other issues with shoes or doing her coat up. Now wearing it is another issue. Despite storm Doris blowing around she won't wear her coat which she chose. So I get phone calls/concerns raised as she isn't wearing weather appropriate clothing.

I would have told the school that yes there is a problem. she is being a typical teen and not putting away her washed and ironed clothes. ;you are trying to instill some adult responsibilities in her.. (12 ffs)

does she have sensory issues with the toothbrush and washing? can you compromise with bits, pits, boobs, face neck with a wet flannel and a shower once a week. that way she will not smell as bad

Get DH to oversee her brush her teeth at night then. Once a day certainly better that none.

I hate showers, can she have a nice bubbly bath instead. I also hate swimming at public baths, sod that.

You've got a lot on your plate, those hours sound rough. Anyway to do some shift juggling?

I agree it sounds like your daughter needs some you time. 1 on 1. Without it she is suffering a lack of self esteem and acting out. I longed for some Mum and me time when I was an acting out confused, sweaty, anxious, puberty ridden, teen of a depressed Mum and when I didn't get it, I acted out so much I was pregnant at 16.

Deodorant wet wipes. Is she getting hairy arm pits and might like to shave to keep less smelly. And she only gets the kindle when her house jobs are done. Is she a book worm? Buy non iron school shirts, sheesh buy non iron everything to free up some time! Go chase her with the hoover that she is so good with and try and bring some laughter into the situation. You all need some giggles.

Not tackling this longterm will make you feel worse. Making her internal needs for nurture now more of a priority will help everyone.

Misty, yes I do love her. She is amazing at drawing and creative writing and we have both tried to encourage her talent. She wanted to learn the guitar so I gave her mine and offered to get her lessons and dug out my old books but she lost interest and didn't want to practise.

Does all the housework and child-minding fall to you, OP? You say that your dd has a good relationship with her dad, maybe he could spend more time with her then.