To be cross with DD about her hair?

[PixieGrace]

DD (12) is currently going through an awful, rude, snappy phase.

I am getting very cross with her at the moment as she has very long hair and a) won't brush it at the back so it is just a huge matted mess at the back and b) won't wash it properly; her hair is very thick but she will only wet the top layer, stick a bit of shampoo on and then won't rinse it out. Her hair is constantly matted, smelly, greasy and with huge chunks of dandruff in it where she won't rinse her hair or wash it properly. If I try to brush it for her or suggest washing it she has a screaming tantrum.

To cap it all off I have just now seen that she has nits too!

I have just told her that I will be washing her hair properly, brushing it and nit treating it and she is again shouting, screaming and crying in her room.

DH is useless and says it's my fault for letting her have long hair!

I'm so fucking cross!

Regarding nits, I spent so long treating dd's nits over an 18+ month period. They just kept coming back. We finally got rid of them in about October and I have found spraying daily with the nitty gritty defence spray has kept them away. It smells quite nice and conditions the hair a little (DD still doesn't use conditioner at 13 as she can still be a bit rubbish at rinsing and luckily she has straight hair).

We did threaten to have her hair cut, but tbh it's easier for her to tie back when longer and that helps keep the nits away too. It did take a lot of reminding to get her in the habit of tying it back every day though. She takes a bit more pride in her hair these days as she will brush it regularly through the day now. Maybe it's an age thing, or the fact we've got on top of the nit situation, or both

Oh god flash backs. I have a 4 or 5 yr old post on here somewhere saying similar but luckily with no nits

Dd looked like bloody Sue Heck and I'd threaten to turf her out of the car en route to school if she didn't comb her greasy clumps

Honestly it gets better. Eventually

A) A wet brush is better than a tangle teaser
B) She's twelve tell her you don't care whether its an attempt at backcombing or just that it hurts ...her hair looks disgusting and she needs to sort herself out because she's growing up.

Sadly, I am not sure the tough blustery approach will work. I think insults will only alienate her.

I really think you should look into some sort of special needs if she is tantrum-ing at 12, and this may affect your approach.

Brush from the bottom up, in small sections, you can sometimes put neat conditioner on and then brush, that can work well, better than water maybe and also may help the nits stop clinging on.

DD only had head lice at about age 5 or 6 and we used everything, Hedrin, which doesn't really work (for us) but gave it a go. Every wash, put conditioner on, don;t rinse out, comb through.

Please, do it as gently as you possibly can, put on some nice music or a good TV programme and watch together, maybe some nice snacks to eat as well.

Kindness rather than rudeness. Honestly, best way to go.

My 12 yr old dd has just asked if she can have her long hair cut shorter.

Since starting secondary she's insistent on doing it herself, and because it's so long, she struggles a bit. I dont mind helping her finish drying etc, she does a good 80 percent herself but she says she feels like a baby needing to have a parent do something that her peers do on their own.

She is on a residential soon and doesn't want to have to ask anyone for help doing her own hair either.

Does your dh know she will be absent from school until lice are treated?

If she wants long hair, it needs washing/ brushing properly, if not by herself then by a parent. If dh thinks his daughters tantrums over this it's all your doing, then suggest he takes the responsibilty for getting rid of lice and managing her hair seeing as he thinks you've done it all wrong.

If he's the twat he sounds, he will be happy to have you continue so that he doesn't have to parent his child.

I agree. Be kind. Put a film on, music, get snacks. Entice her into your nit comb lair.

It's not nice when they act out but I think it's sheer embarrassment and anger and shame here, not a 'naughty kid' who deserves punishment or ridicule

Every wash, put conditioner on, don;t rinse out, comb through, then rinse out.

Agree with those who've said to be kind. You need to manage this in such a way as to ensure she knows her wants and needs and opinions are important and respected.

Explain about the lice and that they need to be treated. It won't be a disaster though if it takes a day or two to get her to agree. Ask her opinion on her preferred options for both the lice and the general managability of her hair. Would she like a smart new haircut? If not, how would she like to manage her hair? Are there any products she would like? Re the lice, would she prefer the wet combing method or a treatment shampoo? Would she like to do it herself or have you help? The trick is to get her to feel she is making her own choices. And chocolate - buy her a massive bar to eat while she deals with her hair.

NRTFT. A 12 year old having regular tantrums has bigger problems than matted hair. Stop spoiling her and actually have consequences for her screaming. She won't wash her hair correctly? No makeup. She won't stop shouting at you? No phone. She won't get rid of nits? Grounded.

GREAT advice Permanentlyexhausted.

love the chocolate. It is not a punishable offense to get nits, they don't (as far as I know) go for dirty hair.

"DO HEAD LICE PREFER CLEAN OR DIRTY HAIR?
No. They are tough, resourceful little creatures. You can't wash them out, and there is no scientific evidence to indicate that either washing or not washing the hair will do anything to prevent an infestation."

www.nittygritty.co.uk/site/headliceandnits.asp#10

Plus, please be aware...
"DO I NEED TO TREAT EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE?
We always recommend that you check everyone in the household, as well as other close family members who are regular visitors - because not everyone itches when head lice are present. Then use the Nitty Gritty NitFree Comb with either hair conditioner or Nitty Gritty Solution to remove head lice, nits and 'live' eggs from anyone who shows signs of being infested."

My DD was same at 12. Nightmare. Once she gets vain it will pass. I had to put her to bed with a towel wrapped round and leave the nit potion on all night as her hair was so thick and curly. She may not be vain yet but she won't like insects loving in her hair and will itch so I'd tell her she'll be unpopular if she doesn't get rid of them. All they care about at that age is their peers. Once she cooperates with that buy her some leave in conditioner like frizz ease and a detangler comb and tell her (its true) that the licencant cling to the hair when it's conditioned. Once she's clear of nits also I suggest a girls' outing with you to the hairdresser together, make it fun and the hairdresser can get to grips with any matting and teach her how to care for it. Hope that helps. Before you know it she'll be a teenager and forever doing her hair probably!

NRTFT. Clearly

A 12 year old having regular tantrums has bigger problems than matted hair. Stop spoiling her and actually have consequences for her screaming. She sounds like she has a neglectful and unpleasant father who bullies her mother. Hardly spoilt.

OP, you need to be calm, consistent and possibly LTB. Because what's happening now is not helping you or your daughter.

chatnanny I too would not want the blighters loving in my hair!! - which they do do, of course.

The site I linked to has a photo of a nit and film of one moving about it hair! That might incentivse her.

MrsTerryPratchett right on the money.

Good luck OP I have a feeling your going to have very difficult teen years - how's your confidence at dealing with DH? How does he make you feel about yourself? Are there other children or just DD?

I think you need to have a life check

Can sympathise, op - 12 seemed to be peak grim-hair/low priority with hygiene for my Dd too. Even without the addition of curls it was soul destroying as she would give her bird's nest a cursory brush and then I'd discover huge knots underneath a supposedly combed section. Helping her with brushing techniques didn't solve the problem. It was a misery brushing it through after hair washing as even with good conditioner it so often resulted in wailing (and not only from Dd) and tangle tamers just seemed to skid over the clumps of knots without getting rid. But it does get better. We started to drip feed conversations about trendy shorter styles and she asked to have it cut. It's now much more managable, looks so much better and she can care for it herself. Mind you, showers, deoderant and teeth still require daily reminders but we're getting there one stinky issue at a time.

tangle teasers are bad on thick hair.. They just brush the top layer the bottom is matted. Get a good firm brush.

Op, teach your DD to brush her hair by dividing it into sections and doing a bit at a time. The tangle teaser will work fine used this way. Also, if it is thick with a tendency to become matted, your DD will be better off if she plaits it before bed. That stops the tangling and gives nice waves in the morning.

As for your DH, if he won't talk about it properly, ignore him and proceed as you think best.

The tangle teasers work OK if you work up from the bottom of the hair but after certain point you do need to use a comb, for nits etc.

Good luck OP I have a feeling your going to have very difficult teen years - how's your confidence at dealing with DH? How does he make you feel about yourself? Are there other children or just DD?

I think you need to have a life check

I have to agree with this I'm afraid. If you're too intimidated by your 12 year old's screaming in order to deal with something as simple as inadequate hair washing and brushing, then you're going to have big trouble when it comes to opposing future undesirable behaviour.

Or would your DH happily sit back and let her do whatever she likes then, too?

Your dh is a wanker isn't he

When I was 12 I had nits - it was going round the school like wildfire. Anyway my mum cut my hair into a short bob. Yes I was upset and crying and yes it was against my wishes but I got over it. It hasn't caused me life long trauma. I don't view it as assault or abuse and we even laugh about it now. She wasn't a very mumsy mum to be fair.

If she's acting like a little child with tantrums etc then maybe treat her like one. Not saying that solution is perfect but she is going to kick off either way.

I'll sit back now and prepare to be flamed

How did you get on OP ?

Cover in conditioner and use a tangle teaser and then treat for nits.

Tell her she either deals with her hair properly to has to get it cut. Make sure she know how to do this eg the shampoo has to be massaged in the scalp and full washed out and the conditioner has to be rubbed throughout the ends. Take her shopping to buy nice shampoo and conditioner.

If her hair is matted and dirty she will end up with an infected scalp, even more likely with nits! This needs sorting asap! Would your husband be impressed receiving a bollocking from the doctor for enabling her hair neglect and it leading to an infection? My sisters friends little girl needed her whole head shaving and treatment under GA for this, it's not easy to treat a scalp infection when its covered with dirty matted hair.

My eldest girl is 12 with long thick hair, she wants an undercut as it's so hard to deal with. She had nits a few weeks ago and was mortified, she sat like a trooper while I went through her hair for ages every day with a nitty gritty comb til she was clear. I have 4 girls and hair washing/brushing is none negotiable, if they want long hair it gets washed and brushed properly, it is kept tied up at school to avoid nits (only had them once in over 2 years). Plaiting before bed helps keep tangles to a minimum.

I hope things are better today OP.

Did you show your husband the door yesterday? I do hope you did!

I inagine once you're rid of him DD's behaviour will improve dramatically! And you may even be able to parent your child without a bullying shithead husband following you round like a big black cloud of doom.