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Original poster

To be cross with DD about her hair?

255 replies

PixieGrace · 27/02/2017 19:13

DD (12) is currently going through an awful, rude, snappy phase.

I am getting very cross with her at the moment as she has very long hair and a) won't brush it at the back so it is just a huge matted mess at the back and b) won't wash it properly; her hair is very thick but she will only wet the top layer, stick a bit of shampoo on and then won't rinse it out. Her hair is constantly matted, smelly, greasy and with huge chunks of dandruff in it where she won't rinse her hair or wash it properly. If I try to brush it for her or suggest washing it she has a screaming tantrum.

To cap it all off I have just now seen that she has nits too!

I have just told her that I will be washing her hair properly, brushing it and nit treating it and she is again shouting, screaming and crying in her room.

DH is useless and says it's my fault for letting her have long hair!

I'm so fucking cross!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 27/02/2017 20:18

Your husband is the route of all this.

angeldelightedme · 27/02/2017 20:19

I think nits are the least of your problems. It is not normal for a 12 year old girl to be so unconcerned about the way she looks and smells.I would be wondering about depression? Has she got friends, is she happy at school and at home?
Whilst you certainly cannot do anything to her hair without her consent, I am sure you could bribe her into letting you help her get it washed, treated and brushed.maybe then it will be easier for her to manage.I have a dd a similar age with waist length very thick hair and she still needs me to help see if it is rinsed properly.

TheCraicDealer · 27/02/2017 20:20

Sounds like this is more than about hair. I wonder if your DD's behaviour is related to how she sees your DH treat you. There was a poster on here a few months back lamenting how her uni-age DD seem to despise her but worshiped the ground her "reformed" abusive DH walked on. It was actually heartbreaking to read. You need to start standing up for yourself and see threats/consequences through.

I'd go in and start talking to her (casually haha) and then bring up the hair. I'd tell her "we've talked about it before and I know it upsets you, but I'm your mum and here to help. If there's something you're struggling with then I will try to sort it out, whether that's dealing with nits or helping with the tangles. But I can't let you go into school with nits. We have a week for you to help me help you with this, or it's getting cut off. You decide what you want to do". Then leave it. The most important thing is that you see ang threat though if you make it.

Sounds like your DH is more of a hinderance than a co-parent tbh.

StarUtopia · 27/02/2017 20:23

Can you post a pic of the back of her head? How bad is it?

I only ask because my own mother always used to go on about the 'state' of my hair. I also hated (and still do to an extent) brushing my hair. I don't have any SN or anything, I just hate the sensation shudder! Even now as a 40 something woman, she will arrive and tell me my hair needs brushing (bloody obsessed!)

I would hazard a guess she is beyond embarrassed (hence the lashing out).Go on a little spree - nice hair magazine, make up you know she likes, some decent hair shampoo and condition (B&M do some expensive brands cheap), a tangle teezer. No expectations. Maybe find a video on youtube for her to watch.

Those nits need to go asap. Explain that is a non- argument. It's a medical issue and a hazard to everyone else in the house.

Spend some time with her. When was the last time you had some one on one genuine time (with no mobile phones, no TV etc etc)

Anushka · 27/02/2017 20:24

I can sympathise, had similar problems with dd last year (fortunately not the nits), but something clicked and hair is much better now. I think part of the problem is as someone says age, not a child and not an adult and coupled with mums being ancient and not knowing anything!
A few tips :
-tangle teasers are bad on thick hair.. They just brush the top layer the bottom is matted. Get a good firm brush.
-frizz ease liquid stuff held calm down hair and makes it easier to brush
-tie hair up at night - mine always goes in ponytail at night or plait it.
-straightening it helps
-tackle nits with cheap conditioner - its easier to get out - I liked boots own brand mint and a metal nit comb.
-take her for a good hair cut (after the critters have left) with a trendy, young stylist - not someone we use as we are old.
-try to say she looks nice when she trys things.

You are not a bad parent, in fact neither of you are but nits need sorting. Dd has a friend with nits and everyone in the class knows (dd is very pragmatic saying it's because she had a little sister about it but I'm sure others aren't so kind!).
Also remember the phase won't last, and before we know it they are all grown up (and spending hours in the shower, in front of the mirror etc).
If all else fails tell her she stinks (in a jokey way) and go and get clean.

guerillastyle · 27/02/2017 20:27

My DD13 went through a phase like this last year. She was adamant that I was projecting societies expectations of femininity onto her (she can be a wee smart arse) and that greasy unkempt hair was nobodies business but her own. I think she was partly asserting a bit of individuality/control but fundamentally as a pp said it was mostly down to a mix of low self esteem and laziness tiredness (Puberty, transition to secondary school) Fast forward a year and she has a new group of friends, hormones calmed a bit, she is very happy and her grooming regime is the polar opposite, dressing well and hair immaculate. Your DD might just get there on her own. Puberty is a funny thing and I wouldn't get into screaming arguments about it on a daily basis. Is she a happy girl in other regards?
On a practical level the nits need eradicated pronto. Also, How about getting some really nice hair products for her? She'll be resentful of the unsubtle hint but left to her own devices she might use them.
I was a scruffy teen, my immaculate mother would despair at her unkempt daughter and lament the fact we would never have girly shopping days etc 'oh guerilla you could be so pretty if only you made the effort'. It made me feel like shit to be honest and I'd dig my heels in and let myself get even more grungy just to piss her off!

August1984 · 27/02/2017 20:28

You're the grownups, she's the child. Go up and brush it through with conditioner and try and get the nits out. She can't go to school like that, she'll never live it down.

Tell your arse of a husband he can nip to Tesco to get some nit treatment then he won't have to hear your voice if he finds it so irritating. What a tool. Angry

Off to the hairdressers this weekend.

stoopido · 27/02/2017 20:28

Get her a Tangle Teezer and some detangler spray. My 7 year old has long hair which I manage with the above.

Grilledaubergines · 27/02/2017 20:29

Why on earth do you need permission to turn off the internet? Is your DH the wifi police?

That aside, your daughter needs to know she is putting the whole family in the nit firing line, and that's just selfish. They're awful. Her getting them can't be helped but their journey to all your heads could be prevented.

If she really, adamantly, won't sort her hair then obviously you can't force her. But at some point she'll get nasty comments made and that might be what sorts the hair out.

Seryph · 27/02/2017 20:30

I'm dyspraxic, and have sensory issues especially around brushing my hair. I definitely remember going through a phase around this point where I desperately tried to avoid washing my hair, having it brushed or cut. Actually now as an adult I have grown dreadlocks, that I am very proud of and take very very good care of (yes I do wash them!).

Your DD's behaviour is still unusual though, have you discussed with her (calmly) what exactly she is trying to do with her hair? Is she going for one of those, big at the back, straight at the sides type styles? In which case she's probably been told by all her friends that having dirty hair is the best way and she probably got the nits from one of them!

Tell her the nits HAVE to go, but that she can do it herself (while you watch TV together or something). She'll have to wash it first, which again she can do by herself. Has she tried laying down the bath to let all of her hair soak? I hated bending over the sink of bath and washing it that way or in the shower. To this day I am happiest washing it laying down in the bath.

guerillastyle · 27/02/2017 20:30

Ps... not saying your behaviour is anything like my mothers. That was just an anecdote I threw in for good measure as your post reminded me of that time in my life

Thattimeofyearagain · 27/02/2017 20:33

Your dh is a shit.

TheLittlePaperbagPrincess · 27/02/2017 20:34

Alberto Balsam conditioner on the matted but. My mum said that's how they used to tame the back combing that went under a sixties beehive that had been in for a week.

And def a tangle teaser.

haveacupoftea · 27/02/2017 20:35

I am involved in pastoral care and quite frankly I would be very concerned about a child who would neglect themselves to the degree that they get nits - it's a red flag for bullying or abuse.

Don't be cross with her but do talk to her. Make sure she is safe and well. When thats established then you can talk about consquences like taking away her phone or whatever until she accepts help.

reallyanotherone · 27/02/2017 20:37

I am horrified at pp comments suggesting they are suprised she isn't bullied.

Maybe, you know, the kids at school are decent human beings who choose not to bully kids, whatever "issues" they have.

Victim blaming much?

gingercoffee · 27/02/2017 20:41

If you want to treat the nits with a nit comb then it'll be sooo much easier to cut it first. If it's all tangled at the ends you won't be able to get the comb through. Convince her that by cutting it you'll be doing her a big favour.

MrsJayy · 27/02/2017 20:43

You and your husband arguing about fault isnt really solving it, she is going to tantrum whatever you do it is obviously something that needs dealt with the matting must hurt it needs brushed out stick it in a ponytal and brush it then nit treat it does she always throw tantrums like this

StarryIllusion · 27/02/2017 20:44

OP, in the nicest possible way, stop being such a doormat. You are being treated like a mug in your own home. Tell your useless cunt of husband to shape up and support you or ship the fuck out. You have one moody, teenage girl, you don't need another. Are you sure you didn't mean to put DS because he sounds about 10.

As for your daughter, give her an ultimatum. You hair is disgusting. Sort it out and keep it clean or it's getting cut short. End of story. Those are your choices. No discussion, scream all you want, I'm not sticking around to listen.

Why the fuck are you pandering to a tantruming 12 year old? Who cares if DH gets moody? He sounds like an arsehole most of the time anyway, you might as well have an arsehole and a child with clean hair.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/02/2017 20:45

Good God! Your daughter has learnt that throwing a hissy-fit gets her dads approval, you in the dog house and she gets her own way...

Start taking back control, starting with a nit comb and shit loads of conditioner. (leave it on over night) Stick the giant LOUSE on mute.

Good luck

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/02/2017 20:47

How have you gone on OP ?
Did you manage to get it sorted Z.

cinnamontoast · 27/02/2017 20:47

My DD at 12-13 had personal hygiene issues and just didn't seem to care when I told her she smelled. The rows we had about using deodorant were unbelievable. Her (very long) hair was unbrushed and she deliberately kept it covering her face. She wore awful baggy, shapeless clothes. By the time she was 14, though, she started looking after herself properly. I'm convinced that some girls of this age find coming to terms with adolescence tough and can't bear to pay any attention to their body. Your DD will grow out of it, but I know that's no consolation when she's got a tangled, nitty mess at the back of her head. I second the Tangle Teezer suggestions (you can use them on wet or dry hair). And have you tried bribing her? I swear I'm a disciplinarian but sometimes bribery works better than threats.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/02/2017 20:47

Z = ?

SookiesSocks · 27/02/2017 20:48

I am involved in pastoral care and quite frankly I would be very concerned about a child who would neglect themselves to the degree that they get nits

So a child getting nits is neglect Shock

Truth is even with well kept hair she would have got nits. Headlice are not the issues the fact she does not brush or wash her hair is.

For somebody who works in pastoral care your take on why children get nits is worrying Hmm

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2017 20:49

You cannot knowingly send her to school with nits. That's not fair on the others (and surely against school policy).

dowhatnow · 27/02/2017 20:49

You have a DH problem first and foremost. Your DD's hair is the least of your problems. When you've sorted this hair out - and you've got to, then head over to relationships for their great advice.