Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with DD about her hair?

255 replies

PixieGrace · 27/02/2017 19:13

DD (12) is currently going through an awful, rude, snappy phase.

I am getting very cross with her at the moment as she has very long hair and a) won't brush it at the back so it is just a huge matted mess at the back and b) won't wash it properly; her hair is very thick but she will only wet the top layer, stick a bit of shampoo on and then won't rinse it out. Her hair is constantly matted, smelly, greasy and with huge chunks of dandruff in it where she won't rinse her hair or wash it properly. If I try to brush it for her or suggest washing it she has a screaming tantrum.

To cap it all off I have just now seen that she has nits too!

I have just told her that I will be washing her hair properly, brushing it and nit treating it and she is again shouting, screaming and crying in her room.

DH is useless and says it's my fault for letting her have long hair!

I'm so fucking cross!

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/02/2017 20:52

I agree you have a DH problem.

As for the dd problem, mine aged 11 and 13 have been soap dodgers in their time, but I'm afraid I just won't go out/give lifts to/send to school children with dirty hair or god forbid nits. Yes, they have moaned and slammed the odd door, but if you want to participate in fun activities, clubs, school (happy to ring the school and explain why they aren't in due to personal hygiene issues), me taking them out to the cinema etc, then you have to be at least clean. No standards of hair style, clothing (apart from dirty) and so on, but clean is a bottom line standard.

TheCraicDealer · 27/02/2017 20:53

I don't think it's so much having nits, but having them and there being no evidence of washing, combing or any other type of treatment for them that would be the red flag.

Ericaequites · 27/02/2017 20:54

It's not nine yet. Cut her hair roughly short with the best sheers in the house. Nit comb her with conditioner. Show her how to properly wash her hair. Take away her devices until Wednesday? You are the mum; you are in charge.

Ericaequites · 27/02/2017 20:54

Have her hair cut properly at the weekend.

Atenco · 27/02/2017 20:56

You know, I hate to say it, OP, but the husband of a friend of mine always undermined her authority and her son has a serious drug addiction now. Maybe your DH should go to some parenting classes before it is too late.

Cuppaoftea · 27/02/2017 20:56

Second the buying a hairstyle mag idea, my DD loved looking through it and then took the photo of the bob hairstyle she wanted to the hairdressers.

GVmama · 27/02/2017 20:57

Argan oil is great for sorting out matted, knotty hair.

My daughter only brushes the front too, and will only use a tangle teezer brush which doesn't get right through her thick hair. I run some argan oil through when it's still wet, and leave it for ten minutes, and a brush will usually slide straight through.

Sounds like she needs a bit of help to get on top of it. I would silently fume, but take a soft gently gently approach and see if she'll let you help her sort it out!

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 27/02/2017 21:00

Your problem is with your DH.

wifeyhun · 27/02/2017 21:02

The nits need to be dealt with today.

Big bottle conditioner and use a tangle teaser. You may have to cut some of the tangles out.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 27/02/2017 21:04

Why are you such a push over?? Sounds like your 'd'h and dd walk all over you, ignore everything you say and generally treat you like crap.

A hairdresser won't thank you for taking lice infested hair into the salon, you need to tell your dd that you will be supervising showers/baths from now on as she behaving like a 2yo so that how you will treat her. Once the tangles are out (lots and lots of conditioner), go through it with the nitty gritty comb daily until she is nit free. The take her to the hairdressers and have it all chopped off.

This is hard because you have allowed it to get to this point, stand up to your 'd'h and dd, take charge.

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/02/2017 21:07

The girl you write about was me at the same age. My hair was so tangled I found it overwhelming so it was easier to bury my head in the sand. With hindsight I wish my parents had been proactive.

If your DD is into her appearance how about promising that if she lets you work on the matting and deal with the nits, she can have her hair done at the nicest salon in town?

Or contact your local mobile hairdressers. If all they have to provide is their own scissors it might be fine. And your dd may prefer the privacy.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2017 21:07

You need to speak to your husband and agree a joint plan of action, he needs to support uou with her.

Don't threaten to cut her hair off, that's awful, how would you feel, but you do need to deal with this, you and your husband together. If he's not very clever then explain to him why having nits and matted hair has to be resolved, develop a plan Together and talk to her calmly together,

My personal approach would be to ground her till she is nit free.

isadoradancing123 · 27/02/2017 21:12

Omg! Posts like this annoy me so much. She is 12 . Who is the parent. Don't ask her, just tell her

didntevenknowhername · 27/02/2017 21:17

If you are trying to brush the matted hair out don't use a tangle teaser or hairbrush over the top of the tangle. I've always found that tangle teaser brushes pull hair especially if it's knotted but a big paddle hairbrush is much better.

Start from the very bottom with a very thick greasy conditioner and work up.

HappyFlappy · 27/02/2017 21:17

I am involved in pastoral care and quite frankly I would be very concerned about a child who would neglect themselves to the degree that they get nits - it's a red flag for bullying or abuse.

As Cupoftea has said (and as I speculated earlier) there is a real chance that your DD is suffering more than just teenage tantrums. This degree of self-neglect can be a form of self-harm - and her angry response when you try to remonstrate with her is also indicative of a child under great stress that she can't cope with.

Maybe she has deliberately "cultivated" nits so that she doesn't have to go to school. If she's being bullied or finding the work she is given too difficult, or feels friendless this might be her ploy. It's also a "stuff you - I don't need mates/ give a toss about your opinions" as a form of self-protection.

She may be being sexually abused and is using this as a way of making herself unattractive.

It may even be that she is trying to provoke your DH into showing that he cares enough about her to stand up to her and insist that she does something about it. If he isn't prepared to take some flak from her, how can he really care?

Allowing her to neglect herself to such a degree really is abusive of him - he's putting his own cowardly feelings before her health and happiness - and this will eat away at what seems to be her very low self-esteem. (People who value themselves may wear strange clothes and adopt extraordinary hairstyles, but they don't neglect their own hygiene in this fashion.)

If he won't step up to the oche you'll have to incur both of their wrath and do what you can to get her to do something about her hair - I think she may be a lot more emotionally vulnerable and troubled than you realise. I don't know, obviously, but this seems very extreme - no-one - NO-ONE - wants vermin.

SookiesSocks · 27/02/2017 21:22

Bloody hell!

Thats taking things a bit far Happy Shock

The OP has already said her DD does care about her appearance and spends time making the front of her hair neat.

OP i genuinly think you DD is embaressed and overwhelmed at her hair and its easier to ignore it than accept it.

You DH on the other hand is another problem and one way or another his attitude needs dealing with.

Whocansay · 27/02/2017 21:22

I imagine that if she goes to school with nits she will be teased (to put it mildly). She might just gain a reputation she may not shake off for the rest of the time she's there.

Your husband is an idiot and a poor parent. But I can at least see how your daughter has learned that tantrums pay off. You need to be the strong parent here and sort this out.

HappyFlappy · 27/02/2017 21:31

That's what happens when I jump onto my hobby horse I'm afraid Socks - it tends to bolt with me and I disappear over the horizon!

I admit that I have worked with many children with mental health problems of one sort of another, and in the majority of cases the problem has been ignored/ excused/ pushed under the carpet and obviously affects the child.

I hope that I am totally off the wall - after all I don't know this child and have never met her or her parents, but I tend to err on the side of caution. (Hopefully you are right and she needs a metaphorical kick up the arse)

pho3be · 27/02/2017 21:33

I had an undercut aged 12 cos my hair was so thick...not sure if youd think thats/acceptable though i did get a few gasps!

How about an angled Bob? Its what i have now to control the frizzed back bit & i can still have it long at the front

Obviously you have bigger problems re nits/hair washing etc hope you fund a solution

To be cross with DD about her hair?
Lucked · 27/02/2017 21:37

So what do if your DH doesn't want to hear your voice, he is not the boss of you so go deal with your daughters nits and if the house is in uproar tonight so be it. She can't go to school with nits and it is not an acceptable reason to be off.

He is a lazy terrible parent and a shit husband. He can't tell you off like a child!

SookiesSocks · 27/02/2017 21:37

Theres erring on the side of caution then theres going over it, on a plane and a rocket ship to the moon.

Your right you dont know this child and the OP gives no indication that any of what you mentioned is even a concern.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/02/2017 21:44

Why is dh invested in dd staying dirty/smelly/matted/infested? In what way does that meet his needs?

It sounds like you and dd are both living in a family with an unhappy marriage, that she's seeing you treated with anger, disrespect and arguments and is joining in/copying what's being modelled and learning this how the powerful people in the house treat mum. And probably doesn't feel very good that she does it.

Hair needs to be cut. Beautifully, into a short style that really suits her, that she helps choose, but she's not coping with it. I also agree with the pp who suggested no lifts, no going anywhere, until the nit treatment is done. You can enlist school's support with this.

Pottedplants · 27/02/2017 21:45

Have it cut to her shoulders at least. She can't' manage it and it will affect her socially surely.

MycatsaPirate · 27/02/2017 21:45

Can I suggest that once she/you gets the current situation sorted that she does the following.

When she washes her hair, shampoo, rinse, apply conditioner, brush through carefully and leave on while washing her body. Then rinse off everything.

Use some sort of Frizz serum, I use the John Freida one on DD (11) while her hair is wet and brush it right through and then it's plaited while still wet.

Brush her hair two to three times a day, more if she wears it loose or just in a pony tail.

I hope you manage to get this sorted but your DH sounds like an absolute fucking dick. If I knew you I'd offer to take your DD to mine and sort her hair for her, I did DD's friends hair recently, it was matted at the back underneath and her mum was struggling to get her to sit and have it done. I took them both swimming, made them wash their hair and then brushed their hair and plaited it. Her mum was very happy and says her DD is more amenable to having her hair done now as otherwise she threatens to send her to my house!!

Wdigin2this · 27/02/2017 21:46

Well firstly don't cut it,you'll both probably regret, secondly.....she's 12! Tell her you're going to delouse her hair, and sort it out whether she screams blue murder or not....it's getting done!

Swipe left for the next trending thread