To be cross with DD about her hair?

[PixieGrace]

DD (12) is currently going through an awful, rude, snappy phase.

I am getting very cross with her at the moment as she has very long hair and a) won't brush it at the back so it is just a huge matted mess at the back and b) won't wash it properly; her hair is very thick but she will only wet the top layer, stick a bit of shampoo on and then won't rinse it out. Her hair is constantly matted, smelly, greasy and with huge chunks of dandruff in it where she won't rinse her hair or wash it properly. If I try to brush it for her or suggest washing it she has a screaming tantrum.

To cap it all off I have just now seen that she has nits too!

I have just told her that I will be washing her hair properly, brushing it and nit treating it and she is again shouting, screaming and crying in her room.

DH is useless and says it's my fault for letting her have long hair!

I'm so fucking cross!

Hopefully does treating a 12 year old like a younger chikd, help, in your opinion? How?

She has matted nit infested hair - give her the choice to deal with it herself and then if not - snip snip. It's helps by getting rid of the matted nit infested hair. I know it's not an ideal solution, far from it, but I doubt there will be a perfect fix to this one and that level of tantrum from a 12 yo is ridiculous. She is holding her parents to ransom.

Show her a close up picture of nits and explain how many there will be and that she could pass them to her friends etc. I showed my DD aged 3 pics of rotten teeth when she wouldn't let me brush hers. It worked and she now asks me to show her "nasty teeth" all the time!

Is anyone else's head itching reading this thread?!

Kind but firm seems appropriate here. The nits have to go, so I would get some hedrin, leave in overnight and wash out the next morning before school. Offer to blow dry, straighten etc for her or with her before she goes to school, even it means getting up extra early. Repeat same time next week.

Then discuss calmly how she needs to look after her hair properly herself or it will need to be cut shorter. Together look at youtube videos or Pinterest for either shorter styles that she likes or help with managing long hair herself. Offer to take her to salon. buy her own shampoos, conditioners, hair oil etc so she has the things she needs, as well as her own hair dryer and straighteners (could be birthday present or something).

My girls also have very long hair and both needed chats about hair management in early high school. Like a pp I also insist on two trims a year for some basic maintenance.

Good luck OP, it's not your fault but sounds like you will need to sort it out.

At 12? I would actually be worried about a 12 year old girl who was happy to let her hair be like that, especially the nits.

Me too. I think you are going to have to shame her into it. Tell her that you are going to speak to her teacher to explain that she has nits but as she refuses to let you cut, wash or brush her hair properly and won't take responsibility for it either then you are unable to deal with the nits. And tell her that the teacher will have no choice but to tell all her class mates. Horrible, I know but this is a ridiculous situation and she needs to snap out of behaving like a bratty four year old.

Well he's just had a massive go at me for suggesting I wash her hair, and saying he doesn't want to hear my voice as it's too loud! Everything gets turned back onto me!

No wonder you're having trouble with your daughter when you have to co-parent with this dick! His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Can u you treat her to flashy hair salon, say this is our fault as your parents, let's deal with nits then take you to salon for special hair do, cut?

Agree with Italian on being kind too, if you dig in they will fight back

A hair salon will not touch her hair if she has lice. Even if they are halfway through cutting it they will not carry on once they see an egg. Even if the egg is dead and you tell them you've treated the hair. You'll be sent out with half cut hair and a flea in your ear on top of the lice

Raisens was there any need for that pic?

Throws acid in eyes!!

Well he's just had a massive go at me for suggesting I wash her hair, and saying he doesn't want to hear my voice as it's too loud!

Perhaps he should eff off out then!

Your "d"h seriously needs to get onside. I would be livid with him for his attitude.

As for your DD, show her a picture of how her hair looks from the back. You say she's into hygiene and appearance, tends to the front and sides but leaves the back. She may have no idea how it looks.

I would also be MUCH firmer with her. But obviously for that, your DH needs to be part of the team.

Sorry if any of this has already been suggested

I like French's solution re shaming her in school.

I really don't know how I could tolerate this in a 12yr old.

OP how are you feeling today? What have you decided to do?

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I have a nearly 12 year old with very long thick wavy hair.
She wanted it long and thick and wanted to wash it herself more as she's self conscious and likes to shower on her own etc etc.
She did it herself a few times and although not too bad it would get greasy quicker and didn't always smell the best so I offered one Sunday to do a treatment on it and it gave me the opportunity to give it a really good wash and condition.
I then applied gloss through it before drying and straightening for her and she loved it so now she asks me most Sundays if I will do her hair.
Yes it does take a lot of time and upkeep to have hair like that but as long as it's conditioned well and trimmed regularly it won't matt or knot up and she will see how much better it looks and start to take care of it.

In regards to knits your just going to have to put your foot down and get on with it.
Maybe put a film on and sit and knit comb it this evening. A good opportunity to chat lightly and see if there's anything bothering her.

In regards to your dh tell him to either man up and grow a pair and be respectful of you and work as a team or tell him to bugger off out and let you get on with it.
Tell him his daughter seeing him undermining you and being rude to you isn't helping her. Ask how he would feel if she married someone who spoke to her like that???

I would DD she can't go to school with nits until they are sorted.... and then tell 'D'H that he has to stay off work to look after DD as he clearly doesn't think nits are a problem!

DH is a dick.

I would be seriously worried about the MH of a 12 year old who left their hair to get in such a state that it got nits and refused all offers of help combing/cutting/washing.

That is not normal and rational behavior.

Yeah shame, because shame is a good thing to teach a young girl!!

I think it is quite common for pre teen girls to agave messy hair and not worry. The nuts is a real problem but I think the OP will find a way to tackle it without totally alienating her dd.

Yes my bloody head is itching!

Nits not nuts!

Op still not come back ? Op, if you are reading this I hope you got things sorted.

Some things are just shameful... some things are not. I am not advocating that the girl is taught to be ashamed of natural things to do with her body, in the way that convent-school girls from the Victorian era were.

We are supposed to keep ourselves clean and infection-free, and in the case of the OP's DD she has all the help and resources to do this but chooses not to. This is about inevitable consequences really more than it is about "shame". If the OP's DD won't address things like nits in her hair, then she will, one way or another, be "exposed" at school as a person who has nits. It's plain embarrassing for most teenaged girls. She will likely be ostracised in class.

OP I really hope things are looking better today.

How have things been going OP? Are you any further forward?

Shame is not a good motivation. It is right to warn children that there can be consequences. It's not the same as causing shame.