To be cross with DD about her hair?

[PixieGrace]

DD (12) is currently going through an awful, rude, snappy phase.

I am getting very cross with her at the moment as she has very long hair and a) won't brush it at the back so it is just a huge matted mess at the back and b) won't wash it properly; her hair is very thick but she will only wet the top layer, stick a bit of shampoo on and then won't rinse it out. Her hair is constantly matted, smelly, greasy and with huge chunks of dandruff in it where she won't rinse her hair or wash it properly. If I try to brush it for her or suggest washing it she has a screaming tantrum.

To cap it all off I have just now seen that she has nits too!

I have just told her that I will be washing her hair properly, brushing it and nit treating it and she is again shouting, screaming and crying in her room.

DH is useless and says it's my fault for letting her have long hair!

I'm so fucking cross!

The aussie detangle spray for long hair is really good. I'd get a couple of bottles.

Ooh I like that pho3be
My DD has very long thick hair that was getting matted as she wasn't /couldn't brush it properly. I used macadamia oil and a paddle brush, she would do some bits with the tangle teezer but it would break as she has too much hair. (I was lucky as no tantrums (age 9) and she did listen to me when I said if she couldnt look after it she'd have it cut)
No advice for DD for DH other than I'd put a password on the internet and change it daily
Have some and tell him what an arse he is

I disagree. I'd cut it. If she can't/won't manage it and won't let you help then it needs to be shorter. An angled bob maybe, like a pp suggested.

Get your dh to deal with the nits.
If he refuses then he has lost rights to to make suggestions as to your parenting decisions.

As soon as the nits are gone, take her to have hair cut.
Obviously, make sure they are all gone before visiting the hairdresser.

Tell her you're going to delouse her hair, and sort it out whether she screams blue murder or not....it's getting done!

Are you suggesting the op holds her down? The dd is 12, not 2. This situation needs to get sorted but the daughter's (even if grudging) consent is important.

No matter what your DH says you need to deal with this, regardless of the tantrums. It needs to be dealt with, you can't send her to school with nits and she can't not go to school, so it needs to be sorted.

Your DH problem on the other hand will also need to be dealt with. He is neglecting your DD by trying to stop you from helping her. He is not being a parent or a husband, he is being an arse.

I have an 8 year old like this and OP...you should never have let it get so bad. You just shouldn't. It's neglectful really....to see that it's in that state but not make her let you fix it.

And I've read about your DH. Woman up a bit...ignore the fucker! Are you afraid of him?

I had this very issue with DS!

I took photos of the back of his head.

The matted sections were actually green coloured with the build up of shampoo and conditioners that never got properly rinsed out.

We made a plan that one Saturday afternoon we would sit down and sort his hair. His big sister was ace... she brought her GHDs and was lovely and supportive .

It took 4 recorded episodes of Top Gear, but we sat him in front of the tv and I combed and sectioned each combed section off with clips. Some of the green sticky matts were only held on by about 6 hairs anyway, so they got snipped off and into the bin. He freaked a bit every time he heard the scissors, but we showed him the snipped bits and how horrible, green and sticky they were and how it was only a few hairs attaching them to his head and he accepted this after a while.

His sister then straightened in sections and he trusted her to cut it across at nape of neck length. Because we'd cut out so much matting it was like it had been thinned out, so looked amazing when re-washed and it sprung back into its usual curls.

DS is AS, so this was not easy.

Your DH doesn't sound very supportive OP. Maybe try a gentle approach with your DD first, calmly sit her down and explain about personal hygiene. Tell her she cannot go to school with the nits, and you need to deal with them - however it's impossible with the state her hair is in. Often your help to deal with it physically, or tell her you will give her guidance whilst she does it herself. Suggest different hair cuts with photos, even having it thinned out or layers put in - to take some of the weight away! Don't let your DH dictate how you parent your DD, he has his approach and you have yours, and if you can't agree on the approach then don't think you have to settle for his! Stick to your guns, and good luck with your DDs hair

I'm afraid it won't things won't improve if her screaming results in her parents backing down.

I would tell her that she can have her hair long if she looks after it (and she must agree to getting it deloused - she can't leave it) otherwise it's getting cut off.

If the screaming persists, I would withdraw pocket money, wifi or whatever luxuries she enjoys.
She can't get away with having filthy and nitty hair because she throws screaming tantrums. You both need to be firm with her and not give in.

Well firstly don't cut it,you'll both probably regret

Why? It's hair. Hair grows. It'll come back. But it seems the child can't deal with it, and to me it seems cruel to leave her with a situation she isn't managing. And once you peel apart matted hair it'll probably be full of split ends anyway.

Where does the matting start OP? People make a song and dance about little girls having long 'pretty' hair, but often it's straggly. A nice bob like the one above would look much more put together, and wouldn't tangle easily. Perfect for your dd at this time.

Things won't improve! 🤓🤓🤓

I'm with telling DH if he doesn't want to hear your voice doing some parenting and doesn't want to hear his pre teen DD tantrum then he knows where the door is and is free to use it anytime.

Put some argon oil or conditioner on the hair before you brush it out. Id give her the choice of keeping long hair and you helping her keep it clean etc while teaching her how to do it gradually, or getting it cut so its easier for her to take care of.

Give her the choice- she detangles it so you can nit-treat it or you do it and cut it to a manageable length.

DD (10) has similar issues, thick waist length hair that turns to dreadlocks after a couple of windy playground days, and a serious temper. We're getting by at the mo by her washing it herself in privacy, dousing it in conditioner, and then coming down in a dressing gown and towel to sit in front of the telly while I detangle it and delouse her. And allowing time in the mornings for a plait- she can do it or I will. But then she knows that if she really pushes it and refuses to either deal with it herself or let me I would take the kitchen scissors and the nit-comb to her hair by force rather than let her go to school dreadlocked and lice-infested.

Can you teach your dd to comb through conditioner with a wide-toothed comb to get the tangles out of the back? Makes it less painful.

Try and address it as a shared problem- dealing with it is non-negotiable, but how you deal with it is up for discussion. she presumably doesn't want headlice and matted hair, but nor does she want her mum to do her hair, so what solution is she suggesting?

I have heard that borax powder is effective in untangling matted hair. I'm not sure how it is used though.

If you say she's into her appearance at the moment, why not go for a mummy and daughters' day at the hairdresser? That way it feels special and less of a chore, also get some nice hair products and a sparkly brush to encourage daily use.

Hope you're OK OP

I have this with dd2 also 12 nits seem to be an issue in secondary schools now, I downloaded Pinterest pics of styles and said I would help her create the look if she wanted it long or cut it all off. I also pointed out the nits are non negotiable. Treat and check twice a week forever but the real breakthrough was buying her a paddle brush hairdryer. She loves it and it makes her wash and dry her own hair much easier than wielding a hairdryer and brush and she gets loads of height. Hth
Oh and yes hormones are rampant at 12 so tantrums are normal

PixieGrace not read all comments but trying to read all your comments.

My dd was similar, she has long hair, very matted.

MY advice:

Get rid of nits, that is a must or the phone/internet whatever goes, turn it off when dh is out of house if he won't support you.
Let her be responsible for brushing it herself, if it is matted, so be it, offer to cut the matted out if she wants. Maybe warn her she may be bullied for matted, dirty or badly cut hair - be prepared for her to say that you are bullying her for saying this (my dd did!).

My dd now has a 'boyfriend' and has suddently taken an interest in her hair. It looks beautiful, she is 12 too and have had about 8 years of this!

I'd personally insist in a trim twice a year, just to tidy the ends up. I would not insist on her having it cut, it's not really fair on her IMHO. You will need to warn the hairdresser and may need to pay more for her to have it trimmed as the hair dresser will need to get the comb through it.

You do realise, I hope, your real problem is not your dd's hair but your nasty husband?

"DH gets angry with me if she tantrums if I make her do something! Feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place!" You are.

"Well he's just had a massive go at me for suggesting I wash her hair, and saying he doesn't want to hear my voice as it's too loud! Everything gets turned back onto me!"

He sounds fucking horrible, what are his good points? Any?

I also wonder if your dd has some unknown special needs, ASD? Just curious, mine does.

I would do a mummy and dd hair appointment too but the nits need sorting now.

Also your dh needs to support you to help your dd. Teenagers always sense and capitalise on dissent between parents.

she's probably mortified

Leggit "Everything gets turned back onto me! ignore that at the moment and focus on your DD. She needs your help more than you need to feel hard done by. Your DH is a dick btw, by you have the more pressing issue of de-nitting that hair right now"

I disagree, to some extent. YES you need to get rid of the nits, and threaten anything you need to to do so.
YES involve the school if you need to, she may listen to the 'nurse'/'student manager' or whatever.

But you do need to think about your dh, it sounds like he is beyond unsupprotive. Is he aggressive? Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells? I feel this is important because this could be feeding into the dd's 'tantrums'.

He sounds like my friends husband, he thinks that once he his wife should deal with all child related stuff while he is out, she spent years tip toeing around her own son just so that her dh didn't have to listen to a tantruming child.

If friend carried out any kind of discipline that made their son cry, naughty step, taking away a toy etc, then her husband would intervene and undermine her.

She often asked me for tips on managing her sons worsening behaviour over the years, but would say "dh wouldn't let her"

It didn't take long for the child to start copying his dad's shitty behaviour. It got worse and worse over the years and they now have a 12 year old who speaks to his mum like shit and she feels powerless to do anything because any attempts at discipline has the son starting a row, dh will step in, and then friend is blamed for causing atmosphere in the house.

He's been expelled from school twice since starting secondary, the dad will say it's the mums fault for being too soft with him! I wish she'd leave him to be honest, she's miserable as fuck and her 12 year old son and husband cause it.

It sounds like your dd is mirroring here fathers behaviour, have you found yourself letting dd get away with things you know she maybe shouldn't because pulling her up ends up with an angry 12 yr old dd and an angry dp?

You need to go gentle on this, shouting won't get you anywhere

Explain that school will not allow her to attend with untreated nits and other people will notice. It needs to be sorted and ask her what she would like you to help with.

Get some Hedrin once and help her with it. No way would my 12yo let me wash her hair either, but you could suggest she lies down in the bath to get it really wet.
Then once you have done the hedrin, and she's out of the bath I would chuck a ton of conditioner on it and brush the nits out.

Then get her hair cut. Choose a style together online that is manageable

This stubborness often comes from embarrassment so getting angry doesn't help

OP there used to be a girl on our school bus who clearly had personal hygiene issues - her hair was matted, she had tide marks round her neck from dirt and she never wore deodorant. She was 13, and bullied relentlessly. It breaks my heart as a mum thinking that this girls mum allowed her out the house like it, and no 12 year old should be walking around with dirty matted hair. Life's hard enough at school for kids these days without making yourself a target for the lowlives who take pleasure inflicting misery on others. Lock your DH in the garage, drive to the nearest supermarket and buy some Hedrin, a nit comb, some thick conditioner and a tangle teezer. Do her hair for her, and tell her from now on if it gets anywhere near that state again, it's being cut. No discussion, no arguments. Give her the choice and let her make it.