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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with DD about her hair?

255 replies

PixieGrace · 27/02/2017 19:13

DD (12) is currently going through an awful, rude, snappy phase.

I am getting very cross with her at the moment as she has very long hair and a) won't brush it at the back so it is just a huge matted mess at the back and b) won't wash it properly; her hair is very thick but she will only wet the top layer, stick a bit of shampoo on and then won't rinse it out. Her hair is constantly matted, smelly, greasy and with huge chunks of dandruff in it where she won't rinse her hair or wash it properly. If I try to brush it for her or suggest washing it she has a screaming tantrum.

To cap it all off I have just now seen that she has nits too!

I have just told her that I will be washing her hair properly, brushing it and nit treating it and she is again shouting, screaming and crying in her room.

DH is useless and says it's my fault for letting her have long hair!

I'm so fucking cross!

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 19:52

I share your pain. Had this with DD at around 13/14. Not bothered about appearance or hygiene, was a running battle.

Long length hair with middle parting.

So brought her for a proper shaped haircut with more flattering side parting. She wasn't happy till she saw the end result and was delighted. Did the trick.

GardenGeek · 27/02/2017 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leggit · 27/02/2017 19:53

Everything gets turned back onto me! ignore that at the moment and focus on your DD. She needs your help more than you need to feel hard done by. Your DH is a dick btw, by you have the more pressing issue of de-nitting that hair right now

raindripsonruses · 27/02/2017 19:53

She's probably overwhelmed by the state it's in. Get some baby detangler and sit down with the telly on. Start at the bottom with a normal come then a nit comb and work through in sections AND/OR let her let you cut off the worst (however much) and take her to the hairdressers to get the remainder styled- buy a hair style mag she can get ideas from. You are right to be fecking angry. I would be.

Sgtmajormummy · 27/02/2017 19:53

You're going to have to comb her hair out to get rid of the nits and the eggs they lay along the length of her hair, aren't you?
So the tantrum is going to happen for the sake of hygiene, no choice about it.

After that I would say "It is your right to choose your hairstyle but it MUST be kept in good, clean condition which means washing and brushing it thoroughly. "
I'd give her a date a month from now to review how she's got on and in the meantime buy her some lovely products (I remember Green Apple was huge in my day) and a Tangle Teezer brush. They really do work on knotty hair and don't pull. You just have to brush for longer!

12 is an awkward age and you have my sympathy, OP. It's difficult to find a happy medium between appearance-obsessed and couldn't-care-less. My DD is 10, book obsessed and quite young for her age. For her 11th birthday I've bought her a grown-up but cute makeup kit by Pupa, mild deodorant and cure age-appropriate shower stuff amongst other things. It's there if she wants it with no embarrassment. I think talking honestly about taking care with appearance is far better than blustering over it.

I had to have a serious talk with DH and DS not to make fun of her early steps even in a "lighthearted" way. She has to grow up eventually and laughing at her would just be low scale bullying IMO.

Goldmandra · 27/02/2017 19:53

Your daughter is having screaming tantrums about being asked to manage her own personal hygiene and her father is telling you to let her have her own way.

Either your daughter has undiagnosed additional needs (Google girls with Asperger's Syndrome - average age of diagnosis 15 years) or you need to get a serious grip on behaviour management in your home.

If you are absolutely certain that she does not have additional needs, you need to put your foot down about this.Tell your 'D'H that he needs to either back you up or go out until you have ridden out the tantrum and succeeded in sorting the hair. You cannot allow him to continue to undermine you like this.

Take control now before it is too late and your DD has to earn the hard way that the real world does not respond to her tantrums in a way she would like.

Fairenuff · 27/02/2017 19:54

Well he's just had a massive go at me for suggesting I wash her hair, and saying he doesn't want to hear my voice as it's too loud! Everything gets turned back onto me!

So? Is he the boss of you then?

cordeliavorkosigan · 27/02/2017 19:54

Do you know any of her friends' parents? Maybe if a friend had a word with her about it it would help. And I agree, you have a major dh problem. Tell him he has to handle it as he is her parent and is blocking all of your attempts.
What does the school say? What if your dh had to meet with a school nurse or similar, would he get kicked into action?

insan1tyscartching · 27/02/2017 19:55

Put a shedload of Hedrin in her hair, it will kill the nits but it will also help you detangle the matted hair and then I think you will need to wash and comb out her hai and probably help her manage it when the nits have gone.

HRHCocoa · 27/02/2017 19:55

Immediate issue - what is the pastoral care like at her school? Can you talk to the teacher responsible and say that she is not listening to you (hardly unusual in a 12 year old to not listen to their mum!) and could they intervene kindly and discreetly. See if another trusted adult is enough to get through to her.

While that is happening, you might need to address your DH problem.

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2017 19:55

It sounds as though your DH is the problem and he has enabled your daughter to believe she can do what she wants.

I was going to say you need to ride the tantrum as it clearly needs sorting but I think your issues are bigger than that

welshmist · 27/02/2017 19:57

Nits do have an affect on your health if not treated. I would suggest DH checks his own hair and you make a thing of checking everyones. Ask him if his scalp is itchy, for some reason when you are asked this you start feeling itchy.

MollyHopps · 27/02/2017 19:57

DH is useless and says it's my fault.
DH would rather leave her with matted hair than her have a tantrum.
DH won't get involved.
DH gets moody with me if I discipline her.
DH won't let me turn off the internet.
DH gets angry with me.
That is all Op.

This needed proper bolding, and a "Ditto".

Really look at your "D"h in this OP. I mean really look at him Hmm

drspouse · 27/02/2017 19:57

If she was refusing to brush her teeth and her breath smelled but she had a tantrum when you tried to make her... Would you be asking this question? Would your DH be complaining?

Sgtmajormummy · 27/02/2017 19:58

Tangle Teezer brushes.
www.tangleteezer.com/

specialsubject · 27/02/2017 19:59

If she has thick curls cutting short may create a hideous fuzzball and it may not grow as long again.

Being smelly and flea ridden is not acceptable. So a big clean up is non negotiable.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 27/02/2017 19:59

First you need to treat the nits. No choice there really.
If she is still screaming, I would actually have the school telling her she has no choice but to go back home and have it treated.

Then I would take her to a hairdresser and I would let them explain her how to look after her hair, how to wash it, why it's so important etc... let them explain how she is supposed to straighten her hair, brush it and so on.
She clearly doesn't want to isten to you as you don't know anything. So bring her to someone who knows. Hopefully she will listen to them better!

Bombay2Goa · 27/02/2017 19:59

she's probably embarrassed about it, hence the tantrum. My little sister (10years my junior) was like that about her teeth. But was thankful when I booker her dental appointment and took her there.

Cuppaoftea · 27/02/2017 20:00

Some of this sounds familiar.

Obviously you need to treat the nits, with her hair being long and thick it could take a couple of weeks. Repeated wet combing with conditioner really is the best method in my experience.

My DD is very hygiene and appearance conscious but has just never really liked having her hair washed and brushed when younger or doing it herself now.

Her hair is very thick although also poker straight naturally which makes things a bit easier to manage (as her friends spend hours straightening theirs and she gets the same look without spending much time!)

I persuaded her to have it cut to shoulder length, also bought her a tangle teazer brush. She brushes it a few times a day off her own bat now! Usually washes it about 3 times a week, I keep a quiet eye on that.

GohomeRoger · 27/02/2017 20:03

The hair needs to be dealt with today. Ask DH to leave the house because he is undermining you. I'd give your daughter the opportunity to willingly have her hair washed and detangled/deloused, if she refuses start confiscating phone/iPad/tv/ghds/whatever.

Once that's dealt with I'd be inclined to give her one more chance to look after her hair or that she'll have to have it cut. Hopefully the threat alone will work because god only knows how you can force a wild 12 year old to cut their hair.....

EweAreHere · 27/02/2017 20:05

Your husband is being a massive dick.

Your DD's hair needs to be dealt with ASAP. It is both of your fault for letting it get to this point, not just yours.

Her hair needs to be treated for nits and probably cut so it can be brushed through and sorted out. Tell him to get on board or get out.

OneOfTheGrundys · 27/02/2017 20:05

The other issues aside, someone at school will soon notice she has nits-staff or children.

I agree with pp re the pastoral team at school. Y7/8 HOY/DHOY or form tutor. Could you drop them a line in confidence and ask them to 'notice' the state of her hair? They could talk it through with her. Might make some difference to that individual issue. Flowers

Squidgling · 27/02/2017 20:07

I was nothing like this with my hair but I do remember at about that age that the back used to get very greasy as for some reason I just couldnt wash the shampoo and conditioner out properly. It did have to be explained to me how to do it properly and to take longer/more care, so maybe she is struggling and therefore just leaves it instead?

gingertigercat · 27/02/2017 20:12

Get her a tangle teaser for one (about £12 in boots) and a spray leave in conditioner. The type of shampoo might also help, one that lathers really well, possibly baby shampoo and I would shampoo her hair for her to show her how to properly wash her scalp

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/02/2017 20:17

Perhaps she's scared to have her hair brushed, as she knows it will hurt. My DTDs have very thick corkscrew curls, and I use a tangle teaser on them. (I dampen it down thoroughly with a mix of conditioner, water and tea tree oil for headlice prevention, in a spray bottle). They would not dream of throwing a strop about me brushing their hair, as they know they won't win.

You DH sounds a bit mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive if you ask me. You DD could also be reacting to the stress of seeing her DF treat you this way.

Boundaries are extremely important to children.