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Original poster

To be cross with DD about her hair?

255 replies

PixieGrace · 27/02/2017 19:13

DD (12) is currently going through an awful, rude, snappy phase.

I am getting very cross with her at the moment as she has very long hair and a) won't brush it at the back so it is just a huge matted mess at the back and b) won't wash it properly; her hair is very thick but she will only wet the top layer, stick a bit of shampoo on and then won't rinse it out. Her hair is constantly matted, smelly, greasy and with huge chunks of dandruff in it where she won't rinse her hair or wash it properly. If I try to brush it for her or suggest washing it she has a screaming tantrum.

To cap it all off I have just now seen that she has nits too!

I have just told her that I will be washing her hair properly, brushing it and nit treating it and she is again shouting, screaming and crying in her room.

DH is useless and says it's my fault for letting her have long hair!

I'm so fucking cross!

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 27/02/2017 19:26

This sounds like the tip of the iceberg tbh

Original poster
PixieGrace · 27/02/2017 19:27

DH gets angry with me if she tantrums if I make her do something! Feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place!

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 27/02/2017 19:27

If you are sure there is no bullying or other emotional stuff doing on I would actually get very stern with her. I would tell her it looks and smells disgusting and that is not fair on others. I would tell her it is everyone's responsibility to make sure they are clean and to not smell unpleasant.

FATEdestiny · 27/02/2017 19:27

But her a large hand-held mirror. Teach her how to look at the back of her head using two mirrors. She may not realise how to do this.

Don't forcefully get it cut. My god, that's awful. Suggest a restyle, by all means.

I got my 12 year old to get her hair cut by saying she could have it dip died at the start of school holidays, but only if the dyed but was cut off when going back to school.

Offer her a full on bleach (doesn't matter if it's being cut off) and those wild colours - purple, green, electric blue etc

Littlelegs19 · 27/02/2017 19:27

I have waist length hair and it's very thick. My hair has been waist length as long as I can remember. My mum did threaten to cut it all off when I was about 10-12 as I wasn't looking after it properly. That was enough to make me treat it correctly. Maybe she needs showing how to look after it. It sounds silly but all that hair takes a lot of time, maybe she just needs someone to show her?
I don't mean to sound mean but threaten her with it being cut, offer to show her how to look after it and if that doesn't work, I'm afraid I would cut it off till she can look after it

SookiesSocks · 27/02/2017 19:29

DH won't let me turn off the internet

Hes a dick.

That aside can you log on to your internet providers sight and only turn it off for her devices? We do this for DC and we are with sky.

PurpleDaisies · 27/02/2017 19:29

This is the second thread today where it's been obvious your dh is completely abdicating his responsibility as a parent. Why are you letting him dictate that you can't punish in a certain way when he isn't willing to step up?

heateallthebuns · 27/02/2017 19:29

Sounds like dh is the problem!

Beeziekn33ze · 27/02/2017 19:29

DGD's hair got matted like that at the back. I was all for cutting out the matted mass but eventually managed it over a long time using a hairbrush with widely spaced bristles.
Can you convince DD that a short(er) style would look good on her? Have her schoolfriends noticed how messed up her hair is? Does she realise that having nits really must be dealt with?
Maybe there's something she really wants you could offer as a bribe, it might be worth it to avoid more screaming tantrums. Or is there an aunt or older cousin who could help you with the big clean up, someone DD doesn't have tantrums in front of?
Hope you get her sorted for both your sakes!

longdiling · 27/02/2017 19:29

You and especially her Dad need to stop being scared of her tantrums. She can't be allowed to neglect herself like this because her Dad likes an easy life. That is worse parenting than carrying on and ignoring her tantrums. Screens/phone or whatever gone until she shows the maturity required to have them back.

SookiesSocks · 27/02/2017 19:29

Of just take her stuff away. Shes 12.

TeenAndTween · 27/02/2017 19:31

DD2 is 12. If left to her own devices she would have matted hair at the back because she has a tendency to just brush the top layer at the back, and not realise / can't be bothered.

We solve this by
a) me pointing out when not done and sending back to redo
b) me occasionally brushing hair myself
c) not letting hair get more than 2-3inches below shoulders, any longer and she seems to find it significantly harder

You do need to keep on top of it, as the tangles get worse and worse.

Can you brush it out for her while she's doing something nice like watching a DVD?

welshmist · 27/02/2017 19:32

take away all internet things plus phone, they cannot bear to be parted from those. My friends daughter is just like this at the moment, they are at their wits end thinking of putting her in a private school because they think this will help. Personally I do not think it will. It is distressing to have to live with this behaviour. I have sons so I have had washing/bathing, brushing teeth hassle, but no tantrums.

NorksAreMessy · 27/02/2017 19:32

I think you have bigger problems than DD's hair.
Shall we have a go with the husband problem?

SaltBae · 27/02/2017 19:33

You have an enabling DH and a severe brat problem.

Surely she gets bullied at school for having a birds nest on her head?!

Serialweightwatcher · 27/02/2017 19:33

Stick a ton of conditioner on it to detangle and comb through for the nits - just tell her that if her classmates see or they get them, she won't be very popular at all

BastardBloodAndSand · 27/02/2017 19:33

Had this with dd.......the mumsnet haircut came to the rescue to make it look semi decent but still took months to get through the matts.......dd does have sn tho so had that to battle too

TheWitTank · 27/02/2017 19:34

Right, so your "D"H would rather his daughter have a head full of lice and dirty matted hair than do a bit of parenting? Fuck me. He sounds an utter dick. Won't LET you turn off the internet?! Seriously, I would be thinking hard about the impact he is having on both your daughter and her behaviour and on you.

Lilaclily · 27/02/2017 19:35

Once the nits are sorted does she like swimming? Then at least it would get wet through and she could wash it afterwards in the showers, if you were with her you could say as long as it's washed and sorted properly you'd take her for tea after ?

Pallisers · 27/02/2017 19:35

DH won't let me turn off the internet.

Jesus! Change the password, turn it off and tell him you've decided at least one of you needs to be a parent and since he is refusing it is up to you.

Then tell your daughter that the wifi goes back on when she deals with her hair properly - washed, conditioned, combed through and nit combed. Tell her luckily she has an outstanding mother who will actually help her with this and you will accept her thanks later.

If she tantrums, walk away. Come back later and repeat as necessary.

Next time she has a screaming tantrum, turn off the wifi again.

your dh is a horrible lazy parent - awful. Why worry if he is angry with you - your daughter is worth more surely.

Megatherium · 27/02/2017 19:36

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't have SN? It sounds as if she might have sensory problems and certainly the massive tantrums are a bit unusual in a 12 year old.

gymbummy · 27/02/2017 19:38

Focus on de-lousing. Nitty gritty comb and a gallon of conditioner. This will have the side effect of de-matting. She probably doesn't care what her mum thinks of the back of her hair but nobody wants to be a nitty social pariah. Maybe suggest she then plaits every night before bed so you're not back to square one

RubyWinterstorm · 27/02/2017 19:38

Ah, the problem is your DH!

My 12 yr old wants long hair. I say ge can, if he regularly washes and brushes it. He never brushes it, so he gets a cut every 6 weeks. He is very much opposed but still comes to the hairdresser (I always take him straight after school, so there is no escape Grin)

Anyway, the real issue is your DH! Read back your own posts!!

HappyFlappy · 27/02/2017 19:39

How do you make a 12 year old get her hair cut?

Short of drugging her and cutting it off while she sleeps I can't see what you can do.

Tangle teasers are pretty good, as someone else has already suggested.

But is there any chance that she is having a problem in some other area in her life (e.g. bullying)and that this is her way of drawing attention or exerting some power over an area of her life she can control?

Krap · 27/02/2017 19:39

*DH is useless and says it's my fault.

DH would rather leave her with matted hair than her have a tantrum.

DH won't get involved.

DH gets moody with me if I discipline her.

DH won't let me turn off the internet.

DH gets angry with me.
*
That is all Op.

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