Aibu to be so upset about this?

[Iwantausername]

Hi,
I had a trip away for myself booked, just a cheap trip within europe. I'm supposed to be going with a family member I've not seen properly in a very long time.
I have never held a passport of any kind, So 13 weeks before my trip was booked (My flight leaves 10.04.2017) I wrote up the application and gave 'D'P the money for it so he could post it for me en route to work, as it was on his way anyway. He said he had, then a week later said he'd received a text saying it had been received and would now be processed, I didn't think to question this or ask to see the text etc. Looked online and its normal for them to text you so thought nothing of it. Then 3 weeks later (bringing total application time to around 4 weeks) I started to get a bit worried as my interview letter hadn't arrived. every first adult passport requires an interview apparently, and according to some info I've read it should only be 5 weeks maximum for this.I waited another week and got really worried by this point. So I tried to ring the passport office and couldn't get through, then 'd'p got home from work and I got a bit upset and told him I was very upset it was taking so long and did he think it would all come through ok (just looking for some reassurance really) he then laughed at me and told me he hadn't actually sent it off and I was stupid to believe he had then he threw £85 at me (the money I'd given him to cover the cost of application and everything). He's also lost my birth certificate yeah right so I've applied for that and paid an extra 15 pounds to get that fast tracked. I finally sent off my complete form and certificates a few days ago. I'm so upset as now my passport probably won't be back in time.
AIBU to be so upset he has done this to me? :( he seems to think so as ''I told you in enough time for you to still have 6 weeks between now and april 10th'' (which is the minimum time as dictated by the passport office, that one will wait for their first passport)

You should check out spareroom.com (sure it is that). In my younger days I use to rent rooms in a family home. It's nice because you get your own space, in a nice home with nice people for minimal costs (compared to renting a place on your own) obviously not all places are nice, but if you look around etc you should be fine.

I'm sorry OP. I've been in an abusive relationship and it's shit. Could you do some work for a friend cash in hand, just to get experience, or are you on benefit in which case obv don't break the law!

OP I was once in a similar situation to you. It took me about 2 years to leave him and about another 2 years to get my confidence back. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. You've had so much fantastic constructive advice on this thread already that I won't add anymore, I just wanted to say that you can do it, you're not daft or useless or any of the other negative things you've come to believe about yourself. His behaviour is shockingly cruel, please give yourself a chance to be happy, we only get one life

OP. Please contact me via Private message. I may be able to assist.

Do your family live in Wales too? Have you got any money tucked away that would enable you to get a bedsit/house-share? Have you talked to anyone at all about his behaviour before or is the first time?

OP I think you are being really brave. I also agree with pp that your written word in no way indicates you are daft or unskilled. You mention you don't get out of the house apart from grocery shopping, this isn't helping your mood, I know it's crap weather but get out there tomorrow, it will give you energy and help build confidence.

This is the Welsh women's aid website www.welshwomensaid.org.uk and THIS is the link to their local services, find the one nearest to you. Have a read, familiarise yourself with their services and information. Their main telephone number is 0808 80 10 800.

Good luck op, stay safe and keep imagining that passport in your hand and the wind in your hair.

Oh, yes, Zippy I see what you mean about the year thing.

chatnanny brilliant advice. " Perhaps you can apply for jobs with accommodation such as hotel work or buy The Lady where there are often live in positions advertised. Anything to make your escape."

So OP if you can get to a refuge or to relatives temporarily and look for work with accommodation for now.

You said "I don't think I'd feel safe in a house share with males, but I also don't feel safe now, so... as above. the house share would be preferable, but still worrying. I'm not sure if I'm articulating myself properly. " But the good thing about a job is you can leave, you can request a house with other females etc. Basically, once you are free you can choose to accept or reject any offer.

"I'm still looking for work. I know waitressing/cleaning etc are low skilled/no qualification jobs. that and bar work/telesales/customer service agent/shop worker is the type of stuff I've been trying for but for a variety of reasons I haven't really got far with, but I'm still always looking"

So you are trying and that is great, but you know free from this man you could actually move closer to family, or closer to a place you want to live, you could be free.

"..being told ''no/apply again when you have experience'' or worse, being laughed at. which has happened." Any company that laughed at you or your application is simply scum and you don't want to work for them.

Women's aid might be able to at least point you in the best direction for ways to find work. Once you have a phone of your own, just pay as you go, and an independent address etc it will be easier to pass out your CV. Your confidence will grow once you are free of the drip drip drip of this man's shit.

"I feel that perhaps the job situation in my area in general is a bit of a buyers market really, which makes things harder. But as above, I'm still trying." You don't need to stay in that area unless your family are there. You could go further afield but only if it is what you want.

"I don't know if I'm saying if I had a job, or this, or that, that I'd leave, but if I actually got one I would still feel stuck. I'm hoping not. I've stuck around on the relationships board for a bit and I'm worried that, like others have or are doing I'm making excuses. But I really can't see a way out."

Leaving needs to be your choice. I know it must be very scary but please do not stay. What if you got pregnant, you would have a link with him for life! Get free.

When your dh is not around, go somewhere where you can use a phone, buy a phone, get on line, where he cannot see you and make contact with Women's Aid. If you only have a pay as you go, then explain you cannot spend a lot, maybe they can call you back at that time.

If you get a new phone and he finds out he will ask your number and maybe try and access it. Can you keep it safe from him, and switched off or on silent, non-vibrate so that he doesn't discover it?

"I think money and both a fear of being alone/independent are my two biggest worries about leaving."

It's your call. I actually think having no job is a good thing, you could go to a new area where work prospects are better. Get a job which has accommodation, maybe and be free. It might not be the job you do forever or the home you live in forever, it will be a short term thing maybe (just don't tell them that). Build up your experience, when/if you choose move on.

Does he work? are you free in the daytime? If you are not working can you volunteer at a friendly local cafe or hotel just a little bit to get expereince and to build up confidence. Does he work and if so would he know if you had been out doing things. Does he want you to get a job or is he happy to see you not wokring?

Voluntary work is a great way to build confidence and get a referee who can vouch for you.

A hotel or similar may be good because there are a variety of jobs to do and you, if willing and hard working, could get a variety of skills under your belt. I've worked in hotels and restaurants. It is not easy work but it can be sociable amongst staff. You can sometimes get accommodation thrown in, and more often meals included.

Please, whatever you do, do not let on that you want to leave, do not get pregnant, do not renew your lease, get ready to go and please go as soon as you can, after taking advice from Women's aid or similar.

Re Welsh women's aid refuge services their website says this ~

"An access to refuge services is available 24 hours a day/365 days a year. Some refuges offer self-contained accommodation whereas others offer an element of communal living (e.g. shared kitchen and living areas) that can offer an opportunity for peer support. In some areas ‘move-on’ accommodation is also possible providing safe dispersed accommodation in the community to enable women to be supported to re-establish themselves in a new community."

OP not having a job or children means moving on will be so much easier. A job, or children will only complicate getting your freedom.

Remember your original post, this is the bit that stood out for me...

"...he then laughed at me and told me he hadn't actually sent it off and I was stupid to believe he had then he threw £85 at me..."

(emphasis mine) it was not a joke, if you make a joke you laugh and say 'ha ha fooled you, you've still got time... umm sorry... no of course... that isn't funny... what was I thinking... oh yeh I am a knob head... etc.

He did not thin it was a joke or funny, he was making a point...
He is not trustworthy
He does not have your interests at heart at all
He is in control, whether you go away or stay is up to him...

It doesn't need to be this way...

XXX Night night

Hi, I've replied to your PM. All the best x

Weird, lying, immature, nasty, controlling. What is the point of him?

OP, this is really sinister. He's blocked you from getting a passport, stolen your birth cert. Do you have any other forms of ID? A driving licence or NI card? If you do then get those out of the house to somewhere safe ASAP.

And to repeat other posters' advice - women's refuges, Women's Aid etc. were set up for women in situations just like yours. So was welfare. Don't hesitate to apply for every penny you may be entitled to.

If there is any chance you could get pregnant then see about a contraceptive like the implant, coil or injection, that this man can't tamper with.

I hope you are soon away from this vile man and living somewhere safe. Once you are, maybe you could look at getting your qualifications via home study, online, night school etc. But one step at a time. Getting free is the first step.

If you don't have children or close friends/families in the area, could you move? it's the right time of year for live-in tourist industry job applications, would you work in a holiday park? they'll be recruiting for the season starting at easter and you would have accomoation while you saved up over the summer so you could rent somewhere next winter?

Live in carer?
Live in care-taker?

So agree with HappyAxolot "If there is any chance you could get pregnant then see about a contraceptive like the implant, coil or injection, that this man can't tamper with."

You do not want to get stuck relating to this joker for life because you end up having a baby with him.

There is another thread on here when a man has turned his children against their mother.

Holiday park is great idea TinselTwins.

Sainsbury's have cheap pay as you go mobiles from £5 with a SIM card and even a basic smartphone for about £15-20.

I don't know if this is feasible from the passport office perspective Iwantausername but when you go for your passport interview is it possible to tell them this and say you want your passport sent to a different address/ take his mobile number off the application. (Also ring them and find out if you will get a letter or a text about the interview and if necessary explain why you need to know)

Please take all the advice above re Women's Aid etc and get out ASAP. This will only get worse and the sooner you act, the sooner things will get very much better

What a knob! Wherever you're off to, I hope it's so lovely you want to stay and leave him behind!

I would consider moving I don't know how possible it would be to get far with limited funds but I'd certainly try, obviously a live in position would be ideal for that as I'd only need to get there once and then its just working. I don't have anything in particular holding me here so I'm up for it.
Just trying to work through all questions/suggestions/PM's.
We don't really have much sex, but I have an implant regardless.
(Having my first cuppa of the day, I'm barely awake, sorry if I've missed anything/anyone)

Pack his shit and boot the fucker out see how funny he thinks it is when he's on the streets.

Peanut, I can't very well. He is the tenant.

Just another voice hoping you find the strength to leave this loser of a man. I honestly think that any safe living situation would be better than sharing a home with this man.

Do you get on with your mum? Have you spoken to her about your DV situation?

I know moving in with her- even temporarily- would be less than ideal due to the lack of space, but it's better than being punched.

I know not all parents want the best for their children, but unless you have good reason to believe that she doesn't care then you could at least ask her if you can move in for a couple of weeks until you find a bedsit.

Not many parents would want their daughters to remain in a DV relationship.

Good luck op. You know what you need to do now, it's just a matter of putting in concrete plans. Live in positions sound a good option. As does the spare rooms.com, option. Perhaps you could find a room in a touristy area and get a temporary job to begin with - just to get something on your cv. Get help with that too. Get someone in a position of responsibility to check it over for you.

Mum knows bits and pieces but not all of it, and we get on ok ish we have a strained relationship and she was abusive to me when I was a child, so I try to keep a distance from her where possible, but I could rely on her if absolutely necessary. I don't think I'd feel very welcome or happy though.

Ok lovely

I am 50 this year. I have SO MANY regrets about things I've not done, or missed out on. So many. Please, please don't have regrets when you look back on your life, you only have one.

You deserve so much better than this. Every single person deserves better than this.

You need to leave. Not next year, not next month. You need to leave as soon as is feasible and safe. Please don't make excuses.