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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so upset about this?

196 replies

Iwantausername · 26/02/2017 20:44

Hi,
I had a trip away for myself booked, just a cheap trip within europe. I'm supposed to be going with a family member I've not seen properly in a very long time.
I have never held a passport of any kind, So 13 weeks before my trip was booked (My flight leaves 10.04.2017) I wrote up the application and gave 'D'P the money for it so he could post it for me en route to work, as it was on his way anyway. He said he had, then a week later said he'd received a text saying it had been received and would now be processed, I didn't think to question this or ask to see the text etc. Looked online and its normal for them to text you so thought nothing of it. Then 3 weeks later (bringing total application time to around 4 weeks) I started to get a bit worried as my interview letter hadn't arrived. every first adult passport requires an interview apparently, and according to some info I've read it should only be 5 weeks maximum for this.I waited another week and got really worried by this point. So I tried to ring the passport office and couldn't get through, then 'd'p got home from work and I got a bit upset and told him I was very upset it was taking so long and did he think it would all come through ok (just looking for some reassurance really) he then laughed at me and told me he hadn't actually sent it off and I was stupid to believe he had then he threw £85 at me (the money I'd given him to cover the cost of application and everything). He's also lost my birth certificate yeah right so I've applied for that and paid an extra 15 pounds to get that fast tracked. I finally sent off my complete form and certificates a few days ago. I'm so upset as now my passport probably won't be back in time.
AIBU to be so upset he has done this to me? :( he seems to think so as ''I told you in enough time for you to still have 6 weeks between now and april 10th'' (which is the minimum time as dictated by the passport office, that one will wait for their first passport)

OP posts:
CanuckBC · 26/02/2017 21:31

Truly, as others have said he is a controlling abuser. He out right lied to you that your passport was being processed and done. The only reason you now know is you pressed the issues.

This is very controlling and abusive behaviour. What other ways is he controlling or have "form" for that?

Time to really reassess and see why you are with him. This would be the icing on the cake and a deal breaker for me.

Pallisers · 26/02/2017 21:32

I agree with others that your post is upsetting to read. He doesn't find this funny - he did it because it is cruel and he gets off on that.

And he didn't lose your birth cert. he threw it away.

Please leave him.

Italiangreyhound · 26/02/2017 21:32

Iwantausername I don;t think I have ever said this before, but , leave the bastard.

He doesn't love or care for you. I hope you are not married. Is it rented or his place your place. Who have you got who can support you?

"I think he does think its funny." It's not funny but I think even he doesn't really think that. It is control.

"Yes he has form for this type of thing. Including violence." GO GO GO.

" I don't know why I'm still here." Are you scared of him?

If you need help or advice to leave safely... talk to women's aid...
www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247

PLEASE cover your tracks electronically in case he is spying on your emails/web use etc.

I have no idea about passports, are they posted out? If it is not your house and you are going to leave him can you arrange the passport to go to another location? Can your parents help?

If this trip doesn't work out can you rearrange/reschedule. If nothing else this trip and passport fuck up (on his part) has hopefully opened your eyes to what sort of a man he is (a fuckwit).

If you do rescedule etc make sure your relative knows not to call your home or share any details of anything with your very not dear partner.

Stay safe.

OF COURSE YANBU! (assertiveness training needed for even thinking you were!) XXXX

Thanks
SugarMiceInTheRain · 26/02/2017 21:32

He really sounds nasty. Mean and spiteful. I don't say this lightly, but definitely think you should LTB Sad

AddToBasket · 26/02/2017 21:32

Holy fuck. That's awful.

From this description, if you have any self-esteem left you are doing really well. You will need outside help and support to leave him but I hope that you can.

DesolateWaist · 26/02/2017 21:33

He sounds like a bellend. LTB.

Mrsmorton · 26/02/2017 21:33

What a cunt. What a fucking cunt.

Mulberry72 · 26/02/2017 21:36

What a complete and utter fucking cunt, why on earth would he do that to you? He clearly thinks fuck all of you!!

Please, take my very first LTB!

picklemepopcorn · 26/02/2017 21:37

Bless you. What a crying shame. Stay safe, OP.

BettyBaggins · 26/02/2017 21:37

Oh luvvy what a pickle life can be. You know you need to leave him to have a happy life don't you. And we know you want a happy life because you have made plans for your first ever holiday abroad. How exciting and brave is that! Go you!

I am concerned about your mention of violence. What levels of violence are we talking about here? How do you think he would react if he knew you were going to leave as opposed to just going? Do you have a safe friend/family you can go to?

I want you to keep safe whilst you plan your safest route out of this horrendous relationship. Just think, this holiday could be the first of so many amazing, exotic, wonderful, confidence building adventures. Brew

Ginkypig · 26/02/2017 21:40

You are in an sbusive relationship iwant.

Please think about leaving.
When you have some time when he's not around call womens aid.

Go over to relationships and at the top there are a couple of links I really think you should read.

Good luck

Italiangreyhound · 26/02/2017 21:41

You do not owe him any explanation about what was the final straw that broke the camels back. But because of the violence you need help to know how to leave safely.

One of the women I know just left while her husband was at work. She took whatever was her stuff and moved out. She called him and told him that it was over. As they had kids she needed to stay in touch so she had a pay as you go for that and changed her number so he could not harass her.

I really hope you have no kids together, but if you do, talk to Women's Aid.

XXXX

Original poster
Iwantausername · 26/02/2017 21:45

I'm back. i'll try to answer some Q's.
I don't have a mobile of my own, I use the landline or his phone if I need to phone anyone, so for an SMS message I thought it best to put his number down - the form did state they'd text the number I'd put down, if they'd said they'd phone I'd have put the landline down
by 'form for this' I was asked if he had form for controlling behavior, the answer is yes. He's never done anything like this before. Otherwise I wouldn't have trusted him to send it.. I think. But I'm a bit daft so I probably would've anyway.
This place is rented, I'm sort of on the lease. I don't know what rights it gives me but he is tenant and I am listed as occupant. as I didn't have a regular income at the time of getting this place they didn't want me to be listed as tenant.
I don't have any friends and little family support, I recently got in touch with some old family members who I lost touch with - hence the holiday. I was invited along and thought some headspace and normal time away would do me good :( Probably won't even go now. at the time of my application being sent off I think I had 7 weeks (around that, about 6wks 4/5 days) the gov website lists 6wks as the minimum, so I don't know where I stand really regarding my passport.
I also suspect he threw my birth certificate away. it was in the envelope with my application and my mums birth certificate (which I needed also) but somehow he didn't lose my mums???

I don't really know if I'm coming or going anymore. But I really appreciate you all posting thank you

OP posts:
Dontjudgeme1 · 26/02/2017 21:45

This is heartbreaking to read. As other people has said ltb and look after yourself. You are worth so much more.

Zucker · 26/02/2017 21:45

He sounds very similar to the stellar Dad that changed the sons maths study cards last week. Maybe they're related. Leave the fucker as fast as you can OP.

DelphineCormier · 26/02/2017 21:46

that is disgusting behavior and I would be gone tbh

Original poster
Iwantausername · 26/02/2017 21:46

re levels of violence.
He hurt my wrist recently, and in the last couple of years has hurt me in several ways including swinging me into a wall more than once (on one occasion outside a train station. I was so embarrassed)
He has also punched me in the back.

OP posts:
PetalMettle · 26/02/2017 21:48

The distancing you from friends and family is classic abuser territory, making them dependent on you

PetalMettle · 26/02/2017 21:48

You dependent on them even, sorry

Goldmandra · 26/02/2017 21:50

He is very unlikely to let you go anyway if he is that controlling. He will find another way to sabotage the trip and make you believe it is your own fault.

Take the opportunity of this renewed contact with your family to walk away. Ask them to help you. They may be well aware of the nature of your relationship and be hoping you will want to leave.

Please, please believe that you deserve so much better than this and walk away.

Pallisers · 26/02/2017 21:50

This is brutal to read. How much worse it must be to live it.

You don't need friends and family to leave. Just do it. you aren't on the tenancy. Find a cheap bedsit, arrange a short term let if you can to give yourself some space and put him behind you.

Being on your own - even friendless - will be so much nicer than living with this man. And I bet you that a year after you leave him, you'll have lots of friends and your family will be back in your life.

DistanceCall · 26/02/2017 21:51

Get in touch with your relatives and tell them what happened. And leave.

This is serious abuse. He thinks you are a thing to control.

Lesley1980 · 26/02/2017 21:51

He is horrible.

What on earth made you question if you were being unreasonable? He has been sitting on this for weeks waiting to upset you. He is a proper dickhead.

littlefrog3 · 26/02/2017 21:51

OMG why are you with him, you poor lass. Flowers

No kids together? LEAVE!

myknickersknackersknockers · 26/02/2017 21:51

Passports are only taking 2-3 weeks at the most at the minute so you should be ok if the birth certificate doesn't delay things.

Either way leave the prick. Enjoy your holiday.