Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so upset about this?

196 replies

Iwantausername · 26/02/2017 20:44

Hi,
I had a trip away for myself booked, just a cheap trip within europe. I'm supposed to be going with a family member I've not seen properly in a very long time.
I have never held a passport of any kind, So 13 weeks before my trip was booked (My flight leaves 10.04.2017) I wrote up the application and gave 'D'P the money for it so he could post it for me en route to work, as it was on his way anyway. He said he had, then a week later said he'd received a text saying it had been received and would now be processed, I didn't think to question this or ask to see the text etc. Looked online and its normal for them to text you so thought nothing of it. Then 3 weeks later (bringing total application time to around 4 weeks) I started to get a bit worried as my interview letter hadn't arrived. every first adult passport requires an interview apparently, and according to some info I've read it should only be 5 weeks maximum for this.I waited another week and got really worried by this point. So I tried to ring the passport office and couldn't get through, then 'd'p got home from work and I got a bit upset and told him I was very upset it was taking so long and did he think it would all come through ok (just looking for some reassurance really) he then laughed at me and told me he hadn't actually sent it off and I was stupid to believe he had then he threw £85 at me (the money I'd given him to cover the cost of application and everything). He's also lost my birth certificate yeah right so I've applied for that and paid an extra 15 pounds to get that fast tracked. I finally sent off my complete form and certificates a few days ago. I'm so upset as now my passport probably won't be back in time.
AIBU to be so upset he has done this to me? :( he seems to think so as ''I told you in enough time for you to still have 6 weeks between now and april 10th'' (which is the minimum time as dictated by the passport office, that one will wait for their first passport)

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/02/2017 21:52

He has also punched me in the back

My now 10 yr old did that once, I couldn't walk properly for a few days. Got me just in the right place. That was a child, a strong child but still a child. That shit can disable you.

You need to leave this person OP.

Goldmandra · 26/02/2017 21:56

What is stopping you from leaving him, OP?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/02/2017 21:58

zucker, that turned out to be a troll thread. There was no such dad.

OP, you are worth so much more than this. If your passport comes back, please still go away and reconnect with your family. This shit bag does not deserve you, please have the strength to leave him. What he did was so cruel, not to mention the violence.

Can you keep chasing the passport office to try and hurry it up? I'd tell them what happened tbh and see if someone is willing to help you.

As an aside, can I ask why you don't have a mobile? That's unusual in this day and age. Has he said you can't have one?

allchattedout · 26/02/2017 22:00

Please escape this horrible situation now. Phone women's aid tomorrow morning and see if they can assist with housing etc. Get out, whatever it takes.

nocoolnamesleft · 26/02/2017 22:01

He's a controlling abusive fuck. You deserve better than him. Try to gather the strength to escape.

Iris65 · 26/02/2017 22:03

Oh, this is horrible. I hope that you find your way out of this soon. Its so hard to leave an abusive partner but it is worth it. There's lots of support and help here on MN and elsewhere. Believe me there is real hope.

guinnessgirl · 26/02/2017 22:06

You know already that you need to leave, don't you? I can feel it in your tone. Please, please do. Get away from this awful excuse for a man and start again x

MorelloKisses · 26/02/2017 22:07

You are in an abusive relationship and that is terrible for you and terrible to accept.

This isn't ok, no matter what he says or how you / he might justify it. THIS IS NOT Ok.

You must find the strength to leave.

SemiNormal · 26/02/2017 22:13

There are refuges all over the UK, they are helpful and friendly and can offer you so much support if you want to leave and start a fresh somewhere new.
This relationship will not get any better, it will get worse.
You are worth so much more than this, you get one life, please don't throw it away on an abusive arsehole like this.

RedastheRose · 26/02/2017 22:16

You really should LTB and right now. He is an abusive aggressive bastard and this will only get worse for you if he feels you distancing yourself, reconnecting with family, pulling away from him. Please get any important papers (bank statements, driving licence, employment contract etc) out of the house. Take them to your work or leave with someone you trust. Then pack all of your things when he is out at work one day and just leave. He sounds like a dangerous person to cross. You may want to speak to women's aid (make sure you do that from another phone if he checks the bills). If even a distant and fairly estranged relative of mine told me she was in your situation I would immediately invite her to stay until she could get herself sorted. Perhaps you should tell them what he has done to you.

IonaNE · 26/02/2017 22:20

he then laughed at me and told me he hadn't actually sent it off and I was stupid to believe he had
WTF?!
OP, never mind about the trip to Europe, you need to get rid of this asshole asap.

Original poster
Iwantausername · 26/02/2017 22:22

Harrypotters - No its not he's said I can't it just seems silly to spend out on one when I don't have anyone to text or phone. that sounds sad doesn't it. But its true. This is the first time In months, possibly even over a year I've actually had a need for a mobile number for anything, I just use the landline if I need a phone number and if I specifically need a mobile number then I'll use his.
Myknickers - thanks for your reassurance but the application page on gov uk says different I think 3wks is the one for child passports and renewals though? I've never had a passport (nor am I under 16 obviously) so the waiting time is more for me as I need an identity interview to confirm I am who I say I am.
My income is very very irregular, and I mean I can earn £20 one week and £400 the next, then nothing for a month etc you get the picture. It goes up and down but I don't think I've ever earned more than 500 a month. I also have no experience in an actual job my self employment - along very similar lines as avon, doesn't count for much. I've tried applying for minimum wage/no experience type jobs but have actually been laughed at by a prospective employer, despite the job needing no experience at all and 'ideal for school leavers' if a school leaver can do the job with 0 job experience why can't I? I'd be bloody elated if I could get a job - any job, that was full time (or part time if needed) for minimum wage. I don't feel good enough for anything :(
My lifes a bit of a mess, you could say. I wanted to escape it for a bit. I feel like he'll stop at nothing to make me feel like I have no escape. He doesn't need to try I know that I don't.

I can't live on what I do, and I fear I wouldn't get anywhere with the benefits system. This is a high unemployment area (there are jobs but not enough) so not many people choose to live here, and there are few students, so I don't see house shares all that often, in fact I've just looked at rightmove and gumtree and theres nothing other than 2 beds and 3 beds and I would only qualify for shared room rate as a claimant of JSA and housing benefits due to my age and lack of children (certainly a good thing given the situation and all but under 35s get a bit shafted) Which wouldn't be enough to rent a 1 bed flat (If I took anything bigger than a shared house I may get hit with bedroom tax too I presume)
To be a bit fickle, I wouldn't really want to share a house with strangers anyway (although it'd be preferable to this situation, I don't think I'd feel safe if it was a house share with males as I don't really trust men. I think you can see why)

I don't have anyone I could even really ask to share with, other than my mother who is in a studio flat and would probably not want me there. Her flat is too small for an ironing board I doubt she'd fit another person there. :(

I've looked at this from all kinds of angles and I know I'm probably making excuses or not really seeing something in some way or another. I find it very hard to articulate and process things sometimes, especially regarding my relationship and the state of my life.
I'm not sure how I came from being a young person with promise to well. this. I don't go anywhere. I don't see anyone. Going out to get food shopping in is probably the only time I do go out, its not like he stops me, he works a lot so I could probably get away with a lot of things while he's not about if I wanted to. I just don't know what I'd like to do tbh. I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really know anything and I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this.
I'm sorry.

OP posts:
IonaNE · 26/02/2017 22:27

OP, you need a mobile for things like passport applications. And benefit applications. And a whole lot of other things that require a private, personal mobile number. And for checking your private, personal email address. For things like benefit applications and job applications.

You also need a mobile to keep in contact with friends. To make friends. To have friends is part of a normal adult life, so make some.

You say you would not feel safe in a house-share with males - so instead you stay in an abusive relationship with one male? Confused

DistanceCall · 26/02/2017 22:28

OP, rent a room in a bedsit if necessary. Share a house (with women, if you like). Get a job, ANY job - cleaning houses or waitressing don't require any qualifications. Find what benefits you can get. But you can't stay with this man. He's dangerous.

And please tell your family.

SABeeTiger · 26/02/2017 22:28

Please don't be sorry, don't ever be sorry for feeling this way. You have every right to feel what you feel. I don't know a lot about this stuff but I read a lot on here and lots of other people always have great advice. Please listen to them, little steps at first but start making a change today. Flowers

PoohBearsHole · 26/02/2017 22:32

where are you op? can any of us help you?

Goldmandra · 26/02/2017 22:33

You are feeling all these things because you are in an abusive relationship and your self esteem as at rock bottom.

That promise you showed is still there.

You need help from a refuge. You do not have to do this without support. Women's Aid can help you.

You are not safe where you are. This man is a violent abuser and it is likely to get worse as he feels more and more secure in your inability to leave him.

You can escape.

Use the number upthread and contact women's aid. Just take that first step. Listen to what they can do to help you.

Believe in yourself. There is no good reason why you need to stay in this relationship and let this man continue to abuse you.

You are not the worthless person he persuades you that you are. He is using your perception of yourself to control you. It is not the truth.

You could build yourself a new successful life away from him. You will never be any happier than you are now if you stay with him.

Please, call Women's Aid as soon as you can and talk through your options with them.

DistanceCall · 26/02/2017 22:39

What Goldmandra said. Go to a refuge - they are these exactly for women in situations like yours. You partner is a controlling abuser. You deserve so much better than this (I know you don't believe it, but you do. Really).

ilovepixie · 26/02/2017 22:40

There are people who can help you. Go to the citizens advice or ring the Samaritans and ask what's available in your area.

KoolKoala07 · 26/02/2017 22:43

What a cruel and unkind thing to do. I how you get everything sorted in time for your trip.

GirlElephant · 26/02/2017 22:43

Great advice from Goldmandra, ItalianGrryhound and others that you add with so much more than this and are in danger.

This man is controlling & violent. Please call Women's Aid, the police & get out. You can start again & make friends/rebuild relationships. Don't spend another day in this life FlowersFlowersFlowers

GirlElephant · 26/02/2017 22:44

^ Sorry Italiangreyhound

Domino20 · 26/02/2017 22:51

Wow, what a dick!

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 26/02/2017 22:55

Leaving is huge, I get that. It's easy to say but so hard to actually do.
So why not start small- tomorrow, or the next time he's out, go somewhere on your own. Go to the library, go to buy a phone, visit an agency to find work or ask about training, anything really. Do something every day. Each time you do, you will hopefully feel more confident. Could you volunteer one day a week so you meet people and build up skills?
Does your mum know what has been going on? I'm sure she would rather let you kip on her sofa for a while than have you abused.
You can do this. In a year's time you could be living a totally different life.

Weedsnseeds1 · 26/02/2017 22:57

You need to get out. But in the meantime, I have had to do accelerated renewal of passport before now due to short notice work commitments and you just book an appointment (Swansea for me), which can be at a weekend. The whole process takes a couple of hours. There must be a similar arrangement for first passports?