Aibu to be so upset about this?

[Iwantausername]

Hi,
I had a trip away for myself booked, just a cheap trip within europe. I'm supposed to be going with a family member I've not seen properly in a very long time.
I have never held a passport of any kind, So 13 weeks before my trip was booked (My flight leaves 10.04.2017) I wrote up the application and gave 'D'P the money for it so he could post it for me en route to work, as it was on his way anyway. He said he had, then a week later said he'd received a text saying it had been received and would now be processed, I didn't think to question this or ask to see the text etc. Looked online and its normal for them to text you so thought nothing of it. Then 3 weeks later (bringing total application time to around 4 weeks) I started to get a bit worried as my interview letter hadn't arrived. every first adult passport requires an interview apparently, and according to some info I've read it should only be 5 weeks maximum for this.I waited another week and got really worried by this point. So I tried to ring the passport office and couldn't get through, then 'd'p got home from work and I got a bit upset and told him I was very upset it was taking so long and did he think it would all come through ok (just looking for some reassurance really) he then laughed at me and told me he hadn't actually sent it off and I was stupid to believe he had then he threw £85 at me (the money I'd given him to cover the cost of application and everything). He's also lost my birth certificate yeah right so I've applied for that and paid an extra 15 pounds to get that fast tracked. I finally sent off my complete form and certificates a few days ago. I'm so upset as now my passport probably won't be back in time.
AIBU to be so upset he has done this to me? :( he seems to think so as ''I told you in enough time for you to still have 6 weeks between now and april 10th'' (which is the minimum time as dictated by the passport office, that one will wait for their first passport)

What. A. Dick! Have my first LTB.

You sound so down on yourself, you need to get away from this arse and build your confidence. A trip to Europe may do you the world of good. Passports tend to come through much quicker than it says.

I hope you find the courage to break away from this awful person.

Zippy, this man has hit the OP. Every day she spends with him, she is in danger. And abusers ramp up their abuse when they suspect their victims are detaching themselves.

Please call Women's Aid, OP. The call's free and won't show up on the phone bill if it's BT, Orange, Virgin, or 3.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

Can I just say that you articulate yourself very well in writing. I realise that your self esteem must be on the floor after living with your P, but this isn't all you can be.

First though, you must get away from him. Go to citizens advice and tell them what you've told us. They will help with welfare claims etc.

Good luck... but you must leave him!

I know that she's in danger, but how often do women actually leave straight away? I'm just suggesting something to break the (understandable) inertia over a short period of time.
Obviously getting out is the best result, but sometimes something very small can make a bigger, braver move seem possible. I wasn't suggesting she wait a year, just that in a year she could be looking back at this as an unpleasant memory.

OP you are actually highly articulate and write very well. That in itself should open doors for jobs. You've lost all self belief because you've been with a bully. Perhaps you can apply for jobs with accommodation such as hotel work or buy The Lady where there are often live in positions advertised. Anything to make your escape.

Please contact women's aid, tell your gp, practice nurse even ss (they're not just for children/elderly).

Women's aid are best placed as they deal with this constantly. They will be able to help you either get a place in a refuge or find somewhere else to live, get finances sorted and other support.

Could you and your mum get a 2 bed place together?

It doesn't matter if where you live has a lot of benefits claimants each case is individual.

Can you get the passport rushed through? Are you near a main passport office?

Please get all the help you need.

Sorry I don't mean I'd rather stay than live with other men just that i'm apprehensive about that as well as other things, Just musing really. Not entirely relevant. Its why I said ''although it'd be preferable'' I'm kind of just writing my thoughts as they come.
I don't think I'd feel safe in a house share with males, but I also don't feel safe now, so... as above. the house share would be preferable, but still worrying. I'm not sure if I'm articulating myself properly.

I'm in the welsh valleys, I don't want to be more specific than that, I'm unsure if anyone can really help.
I'm still looking for work. I know waitressing/cleaning etc are low skilled/no qualification jobs. that and bar work/telesales/customer service agent/shop worker is the type of stuff I've been trying for but for a variety of reasons I haven't really got far with, but I'm still always looking (I check and apply every few days, this week I've applied for around 10 jobs) I probably don't try as hard as I did when I first started searching but I've become really disheartened with the whole thing, But I am certainly still trying. Its hard to not be disheartened when you spend time researching a company, googling tips, making sure you look presentable and going there, giving it your all and being told ''no/apply again when you have experience'' or worse, being laughed at. which has happened :(
I feel that perhaps the job situation in my area in general is a bit of a buyers market really, which makes things harder. But as above, I'm still trying.
I don't know if I'm saying if I had a job, or this, or that, that I'd leave, but if I actually got one I would still feel stuck. I'm hoping not. I've stuck around on the relationships board for a bit and I'm worried that, like others have or are doing I'm making excuses. But I really can't see a way out.

I think money and both a fear of being alone/independent are my two biggest worries about leaving.

Take the time on your trip as a chance to start imagining how much better your life could be without him in it. You are worth so much more than this. Everything might seem daunting at the moment but, as zippy advises, start small and take it one step at a time. You've taken a great step by posting here and will hopefully be taking on board that his behaviour is not loving, respectful or worth your investment in any way. Your eventual exit strategy begins here.

You know his behaviour is not right, im not clued up enough to suggest anything but get out

On your trip, you can order your b.c from your local reg office, ive done this for both me and my dd and picked up the next morning. And phone the passport helpline and state your case, theyll let you know what current turnaround is etc

Iwantausername

hi and welcome back.

" But I'm a bit daft so I probably would've anyway." Why do you think you are daft? do you mean trusting, that you would expect your partner,who you live with, to behave in a normal way? That is not daft. But now he has revealed the depths of his behavior then yes, it would be foolish to stay.

"This place is rented, I'm sort of on the lease. I don't know what rights it gives me but he is tenant and I am listed as occupant. as I didn't have a regular income at the time of getting this place they didn't want me to be listed as tenant."

OK I have no idea how this all works but women's aid can help or maybe Citizan's dvice. You need to see how much notice you need to give and you need to work out how to SAFELY leave. So that he doesn't hurt you or anything.

"I don't have any friends and little family support, I recently got in touch with some old family members who I lost touch with - hence the holiday. I was invited along and thought some headspace and normal time away would do me good."

OK so a start, but you know there are people who can help you and once you are out of his clutches you can make new friends and get back in touch with family.

It may be you have always had a hard time making friends, I did when I was much younger. Or it could be he has purposely moved you away from friends and family.

"Probably won't even go now. at the time of my application being sent off I think I had 7 weeks (around that, about 6wks 4/5 days) the gov website lists 6wks as the minimum, so I don't know where I stand really regarding my passport."

In your shoes I would get your home situation sorted and then worry about the holiday.

You can get a new copy of your birth certificate away.

www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

But if it posted out you need a safe address for it to be sent to. Not sure how to get around this unless you work and have a work address to use. Someone wiser may know.

"... levels of violence...He hurt my wrist recently, and in the last couple of years has hurt me in several ways including swinging me into a wall more than once (on one occasion outside a train station. I was so embarrassed)
He has also punched me in the back..."

There may be CC TV footage of him swinging you into a wall, there may not. You may or may not be able to prosecute him for violence, but I really think Women's Aid are the best people to talk to about this.

Goldmandra is so right!

"Take the opportunity of this renewed contact with your family to walk away. Ask them to help you. They may be well aware of the nature of your relationship and be hoping you will want to leave."

As Goldmandra says Please, please believe that you deserve so much better than this and walk away.

I mean "You need to see how much notice you need to give and you need to work out how to SAFELY leave. So that he doesn't hurt you or anything." You cold leave and then give notice on the flat etc, ask Women's Aid. You want yourself no longer tied to anything to do with him.

*Zippy( The OP doesn't necessarily have a year to get her shit together. He is hurting her. The next time he smacks her into a wall he could cause brain damage.

When you leave OP take everything you want and need of value, leave what you do not want/can't carry. So you never need to go back. Please get advice on how and when to leave, so you are safe.

It's not excuses, abusers train you to think you can't cope alone, that you're not worthy of more etc that is NOT your fault!

You CAN do this. I get where zippy coming from but I'm also worried that the longer you stay the more danger you're in.

Women's aid are very aware of the dangers and the mindset victims have.

I did look at fast tracking my application but unfortunately the one passport type its not allowed for is the first adult application. which is the one I'm applying for. I could've got it in a week otherwise. first child passports can be done in 1 wk, and I think renewals can be done in a day. Thats what I got from the gov website anyway.

I pointed out the unemployment situation in my area not for benefit claims I know they're done case by case but more to point out that what jobs are there lots go for, which I feel doesn't help my case. On reed and such websites it tells you how many apply for each jobs and the only jobs that don't have 100+ applications in under 3 days are nurses and teachers which obviously doesn't apply to me. I still apply anyway, but I am left thinking that out of 100 people or more, who is going to pick the person without so much as a GCSE let alone anything else or any actual job experience??

I can get to a passport office, I know theres one in newport and I think there may be one in swansea both of which are an hour plus away on public transport but still doable (in any case I'll have to go to newport anyway for my interview)

If you are in UK you can buy a basic mobile phone for about £20 from Asda, Tesco

You can buy a pay as you go SIM card for about £10 and top it up when you need to

This type of mobile phone just provides calls and texts (not internet data)

You will also need a charger

yes I'm in the UK. I know I can get a phone cheaply, and will try to pick one up tomorrow. I just genuinely haven't actually had need for one. I have a laptop though, most things (like MN) Can be done/used on that. Its been a while since I've actually needed a mobile number for anything prior to this. But I will try to get one, as I probably do need one.

Remember to clear internet history and not write down any passwords.

To clarify this is £30 one off charge for a mobile phone
May be another £10 for the charger
Total cost £40

This is not a £40 a month for a fancy phone !

Also, create your own email account. (You can set up one on Gmail very quickly and easily). Women's Aid can get in touch with you via email if needed. It will also help you re jobs, etc.

I have an email etc of my own, I have a laptop and can access most things. Its literally just the mobile I don't have. I used to have one but I dropped it down the toilet. Used it so infrequently I decided not to replace, but considering the situation now Its a good idea I have my own.
Graphista he never goes on my laptop and doesn't know the password for it but I will clear everything regardless thank you.

DH just got his passport renewed, so not the same as you as yours is a 1st one, but it took less than a week. I think they can turn it round pretty fast this time of year, so don't give up on your trip yet.
You've received some good advice from pp's on getting help from Women"s Aid or similar, hope you can find the strength to make a new start.
The only thing I would add is that maybe you could try going in to a temp or employment office and asking them face to face about vacancies, I do think online applications get ignored which is rough for your confidence.
Best wishes op

How about you apply for jobs in another area? Then you could leave him and the excitement of the new job, learning the ropes etc, might distract you from the stress of leaving him for long enough to you over the first difficult times.

Or maybe you and your mum can get/rent a 2 bed together?

I wouldn't be so sure that he doesn't go on your laptop or knows your passwords, OP. I would change them, just in case.

OP, if you don't have friends or family in your area, would you consider moving? I moved across the country to where I had no contacts to a houseshare with other women. It was great!

If you will consider moving, there could be lots more jobs you could access.

You need to get away from this cruel and violent man. He is destroying your confidence and you deserve better.

I remember your previous post op. You need to get away from this man, he has destroyed your self esteem and kept you isolated and dependent on him. I know you're feeling low about your employment prospects and I think some further education might boost those- it'll be a good way to meet people too. It's clear from your posts that you are a very intelligent person and you need to see that rather than accepting the view of yourself he has given you