To ask you honestly if you think my DD is badly behaved?

[tickettostruggling]

DD is 3, and I used to think a lot of her behaviour was normal for this age. I still think it's normal but I wonder if DD is maybe at an extreme end and I wonder if its my parenting I definitely don't want soft soaping here so please give it to me straight.

• tantrums, I know, normal for this age group but they last such an unbelievably long time and are so forceful. She honestly screams as if she is being murdered. Anything and nothing sets them off, things like buttoning her cardigan the wrong way, putting a blue hair bow in and she wanted purple.

• rudeness (this upsets me most) she is not a polite little girl. We were at a party the other day and she was given a "prize." She responded with a foot stamp and a loud "noooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOO I want THAT one." She couldn't have "that" one so she just kept screaming. It was a gift She has done this before if anyone gives her anything, so embarrassing.

• won't walk anywhere for long periods, she has to be carried and only by me, not DH or one of my friends. I've stood for an hour telling her to walk but she doesn't give up. It's definitely about being close to me not tiredness as alternatives like DH carrying her, standing on the buggy board, don't work.

• sleep, she's always been a bad sleeper and it's not improving, she wakes several times in the night and again it is me she wants.

It sounds awful but it's putting a strain on our relationship as DH thinks (he doesn't say so explicitly but it's obvious) I have "caused" this and I think maybe I have as I was very into the whole gentle parenting thing when she was born. We were at the zoo the other day and DH suddenly walked away with other DC when she was whining and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I wanted to smack her, and I felt awful for wanting to smack her, but I did." I knew what he meant. Obviously I don't want to smack her but I do feel like she's making us all and more importantly herself miserable right now.

Any advice?

DS had many such tantrums while we were out and about from the age of about 2 to 4 years old and this is consistently how I handled all of them. I have many many faults as a mother but my handling of tantrums is text book because I had so much practice. Also for some reason I could handle tantrums or meltdowns quite calmly, it was the constant hitting of others I had more trouble with.

For me it took about 18 months of this before DS stopped doing things like this because he knew I would take him straight home. To be fair he was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD about 2 years later

OP - taking a child home when they behave like that (after a fair warning) is the only way I knew how to deal with it. I didn't see it as unfair to anyone else. We often had to leave because DS hit someone, that is even more mortifying believe me. A tantrum and screaming can be a bit embarassing but really it is nothing compared to your 3 or 4 year old smacking or pushing another child, particularly when it is a smaller toddler or a baby.

Try and be consistent about what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. I let DS do many things that others would think was bad parenting (running around and making more noise than strictly acceptable) , only because I knew that for DS, he was doing well and that if I asked to much of him he would quickly move to melt downs and aggression .

Over time DS improved. He stopped hitting out when he was with us when he was about 4.5 years old. At school it went on until he was about 9 years old. He no longer does this though (he is 12 no) and had had so many merits at his new secondary school for good behaviour and good attitude that we are overwhelmed.

I am only telling you this so that you see that things can change, even for a child with great difficulties. For your daughter, in the absence of any special needs, consistent rules and boundaries should be much easier to enforce and work much quicker. Never lose faith though that you can make a difference

Another point - I would give mine an expectation of behavior before we went in - and the consequence

Example - we are going to play at James - if you hit we will go home - if you play up - we'll go home

Are we ready to have a nice time?

bubbins our 2.5yr old DS currently has a 'throwing when cross' problem. It tends to be an evening thing, particularly when he is asked to tidy up toys. Solving this is a priority atm as DC2 is due this summer & a toy hurling 3yr old wont go well with a new baby. Iwouldn't say we have cracked it but DH and I have agreed immediate consequences so he gets a consistent response which seems to help.

We've been doing:
A reminder not to throw and what the consequences are if he looks like he is brewing a rage
The thrown toy goes on a high shelf until tomorrow
DS gets picked up and reminded why we don't throw (your toys might get broken and you could hurt someone)
Then back to what we were doing

Repeat offences get time out/naughty step, then early bath with no bath toys (as its usually an evening offence). He gets extravagant praise if he is clearly cross but manages not to throw

OP you have been given some really good advice here but you just seem to be ignoring them all. Yes some of your DD's behaviour is normal but not all of it. She is 3 years old and needs boundries and consequences other wise she won't learn what is acceptable behaviour and will just get worse.

Also middle class do go on Parenting courses

Haven't read the full thread but one thing jumped out: you and dh are not presenting a united front. She has to get the same responses from you both. Go out and let dh do tea, bath and bed etc. Let him do some night wakenings . When you are together let him deal with a tantrum.

Sit down with dh and agree strategies on all of the problem behaviour and then agree to stick to them. She has you both wrapped around her little finger. If you don't address this she will be That Child who nobody likes very much. Good news is that with some persistence from you both you can deal with things.

Do you want to?

Shes just a kids, Nothing major to be worried about,.

OP you are funny. I'm going to attend a parenting course soon with DH. I'm vair middle class (boarding school, top uni) and DH is practically aristocracy.

Guessing you must be new money with an attitude like that...

puglife, is that you Kate?! Knew George looked a bit spirited!

NoCrying I've just been trying to establish a consistent approach over the last couple of days, especially for throwing things at pets and I'm doing similar. I'm not shouting at him but he's getting my very stern voice which does upset him a bit but that seems like no bad thing!

We have PIL coming to stay next week with their dog. It might be a tall order but for everyone's sake I want to do my best to make some progress before then.

Mikado shh! Everyone will want the number of my botox guy.

Sounds totally reasonable bubbins! And good luck with it

Just pm me puglife!

Since you asked in AIBU: Yes very. I don't judge badly behaved children because everyone knows small children have irrational meltdowns/tantrums. What I do judge is badly behaved children with parents who don't do anything effective to deal with the situation.

I read the first page only.

Yes your child is badly behaved and the problem is A) she is knackered because she doesn't sleep and B) you don't believe a 3 year old should have consequences for their actions. So, presumably at no point in 3 years has she been disciplined in any way. Of course she throws tantrums that last forever, because it's how she gets what she wants.

Set some bloody rules for your child and stick to them.

And of course middle class parents can need parenting classes, you are living proof of that.