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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you honestly if you think my DD is badly behaved?

465 replies

tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 08:24

DD is 3, and I used to think a lot of her behaviour was normal for this age. I still think it's normal but I wonder if DD is maybe at an extreme end and I wonder if its my parenting Sad I definitely don't want soft soaping here so please give it to me straight.

  • tantrums, I know, normal for this age group but they last such an unbelievably long time and are so forceful. She honestly screams as if she is being murdered. Anything and nothing sets them off, things like buttoning her cardigan the wrong way, putting a blue hair bow in and she wanted purple.
  • rudeness (this upsets me most) she is not a polite little girl. We were at a party the other day and she was given a "prize." She responded with a foot stamp and a loud "noooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOO I want THAT one." She couldn't have "that" one so she just kept screaming. It was a gift Sad She has done this before if anyone gives her anything, so embarrassing.
  • won't walk anywhere for long periods, she has to be carried and only by me, not DH or one of my friends. I've stood for an hour telling her to walk but she doesn't give up. It's definitely about being close to me not tiredness as alternatives like DH carrying her, standing on the buggy board, don't work.
  • sleep, she's always been a bad sleeper and it's not improving, she wakes several times in the night and again it is me she wants.

It sounds awful but it's putting a strain on our relationship as DH thinks (he doesn't say so explicitly but it's obvious) I have "caused" this and I think maybe I have as I was very into the whole gentle parenting thing when she was born. We were at the zoo the other day and DH suddenly walked away with other DC when she was whining and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I wanted to smack her, and I felt awful for wanting to smack her, but I did." I knew what he meant. Obviously I don't want to smack her but I do feel like she's making us all and more importantly herself miserable right now.

Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
Shockers · 27/02/2017 17:59

Oh, and years later (after many years in mainstream), I work with children with behavioural issues.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/02/2017 18:00

Of course middle class parents go on parenting courses.
Why wouldn't they?
Fair enough, courses aren't for everyone but going by your OP and subsequent posts I think you would get a lot out of one and I also think you would have a lot to contribute as you have lots of parenting experience.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/02/2017 18:05

If you prefer to cover similar material online, at home, without any of that "meeting other people" thing then the excellent Family Lives offers online courses
www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/online-parenting-courses/

Topseyt · 27/02/2017 18:05

You ARE dissing them, and it comes across as snobby.

People often diss things when they feel that it could imply a criticism of them.

You have really just said "I am middle class therefore I cannot possibly need parenting class/support", that is how it could be construed, and how it sounds.

As for calling a three year old a brat, I didn't, but I will say that just about all three year olds would be capable of being horrid brats if boundaries were not instilled and then enforced. I don't doubt that my own would have been just the same if I hadn't kept a lid on as necessary.

The harsh truth is that your DD is displaying very spoilt and overindulged behaviour. Gentle parenting will not work. You have to nip it in the bud.

KittyVonCatsington · 27/02/2017 18:09

Come on. Middle class parents don't go on parenting courses.

I really respected you up until this post. I'm off. Bye.

Astoria7974 · 27/02/2017 18:09

When she's tantruming have you ever threatened and then actually walked off a little to see her reaction? A true tantrumn she won't notice, a fake one - she'll follow you.

I think you do need to operate a stricter parenting routine because the gentle approach is clearly not working. She needs to sleep more, when she wakes you have to lay down the law rinse and repeat. Ignore her when she demands something, stop giving her treats, when she's bad, and rinse/repeat every time she behaves like a terror.

booox · 27/02/2017 18:10

I OP, I've not read the whole thread as it seems to have become a bun fight but your daughter sounds fairly normal at one end of the scale. She's very determined Grin! She sounds a little 'high needs?'

Three exceptionally good reads that really helps me were:

Janet Landsbury "no bad kids - toddler disclipline without shame." It comes under the gentle parenting ethos but with boundaries, respectful and natural consequences and also very realistic. As all books, pick and choose what works for you (I did have to use distraction at times whereas she doesn't).

"How to talk to kids so they'll listen and how to listen so they'll talk." Very helpful, similar vein to JL.

Lastly, "raising your spirited child" - really good at explaining these children but also so many of the approaches are exactly how we treach children with autism. (She's unlikely to have got asd but the strategies work with the behaviour - which is typical for this age. Many pupils with autism exhibit behaviour that toddlers and preschoolers exhibit but at an older age.)

In fact, all three books describe strategies I have found very useful with it already do with pupils on the spectrum at work. As I said, it's normal for a 3 year old and a child aged 8 with ASD might behave in the same way.

Tatlerer · 27/02/2017 18:16

Come on. Middle class parents don't go on parenting courses.

Lol OP! I think I might be getting the gist of the route of your DD's questionable behaviour...!

booox · 27/02/2017 18:16

Ps star charts do not work long term. Strategies described in the books above do.

Janet L has a blog where you can find a lot of things but the book is the most helpful. This is one example. She's very clear that children need to know there are boundaries and basically tala you through how to do this respectfully.

www.janetlansbury.com/2012/11/tantrums-and-meltdowns-my-secret-for-staying-calm-when-my-kids-arent/

Luggage16 · 27/02/2017 18:37

Haven't read the full thread but wanted to say being firm and having clear boundaries is the best thing you can do for a child. Think about how stressful it is being in charge of something, then take a moment to realise that children will find this even harder! I used to try to give choices but actually it stresses my daughter out more (she is on the autistic spectrum). Being firm, doing what you say and having clear boundaries helps children to feel safe and secure.

Your daughter does sound extreme to me, whether this is parenting or neurological might be hard to know at this stage but either way firm boundaries will be a positive step. I honestly believe this is doable whilst sticking to attachment parenting/gentle parenting philosophies too.

MrsTwix · 27/02/2017 18:42

Oh you are too posh for a parenting course. Now wonder your child is such a brat.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/02/2017 18:48

Come on. Middle class parents don't go on parenting courses.

Wow! I was so on your team and this doesn't even sound like the original op asking for help.

FYI, I would do whatever I could to do the best for my DD.

derxa · 27/02/2017 18:52

All these lovely posters giving you advice and now the truth comes out...

AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 19:27

Hi OP

Your child is a normal child who has learned you're a pushover

Our 2 kids went through this phase, and if it helps...

1 don't sweat the small stuff.
2 when you say no, mean it and follow through, always
3 present a united front, no discussion in front of your DD. Never
4 walk away from tantrums, you're only fuelling it otherwise
5 introduce a naughty step, and use it

Do this consistently and you will have it cracked. Kids need boundaries and consistency to feel secure.

Ever watched Supernanny? In every episode bar none she focussed on the parenting, never the children.

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/02/2017 19:28

My DM knows lots of MC parents who seriously should go on parenting courses!

Rozdeek · 27/02/2017 19:29

Why did you post here if you weren't willing to take any of the advice on board Confused

Trifleorbust · 27/02/2017 19:33

Ha ha! Yes, middle class people DO go on parenting courses. Do continue with your 'gentle parenting' though. I'm sure you will see a big improvement in no time Hmm

PerspicaciaTick · 27/02/2017 19:41

I find "positive parenting" much more effective than "gentle parenting".

pictish · 27/02/2017 19:54

I can't say what i would like to, owing to site rules. All it remains for me to say is good luck with the weak-arsed Gentle Parenting bullshit...it is obviously working really well for you and your middle class daughter.

hellomarshmallow · 27/02/2017 20:00

Sorry haven't rtft.
This sounds like my DD. Now she's 9, we are getting her assessed for PDA and other ASD. My only advice is to be consistent. I also recommend the book 'explosive child' ( I think) and the spirited child book mentioned by a pp.

I have to walk away sometimes as it can really drive you to losing your temper. I can understand your DH's reaction but he shouldn't blame anyone for the behaviour!

Doyouwantabrew · 27/02/2017 20:02

Gentle parenting Wink oh dear.

StarUtopia · 27/02/2017 20:08

Children need to know you're the boss. Right now, she is walking all over you.

My just turned 4 yr old can be a right little madam the hour before bed when she's tired, and often I will pick my battles so to speak. But my god, she wouldn't dare pull a stunt like that at a party. She's friends with a little girl who is incredibly spoilt and sounds like your daughter - more indulged actually than spoilt. My DD will actually say to me after a playdate, Don't worry Mummy, I wouldn''t do that at someone else's house.

By this I mean, yes 3 is little, but don't be fooled. She knows exactly what she's doing and knows she is getting away with it.

Oh and remember. All children (and adults!) just generally want to be loved and have approval. She needs boundaries. She is actually crying out for some boundaries and for you to put your foot down. She needs to know your disapproval and know that she has disappointed you.

for e.g., re refusing to walk, I would have just walked off. That's it! Trust me, they will follow!

oblada · 27/02/2017 20:12

Gentle parenting is absolutely fine. I don't do punishments and reward charts, avoid naughty steps or similar but my kids are perfectly manageable! They are not perfect of course but we have a positive relationship.

I consider myself middle class to some extent but I wouldn't say no to some parenting course as long as the ideas used there were generally within my comfort zone (no supernanny bullshit effectively) or potentially even if it was outside my comfort zone if I felt my techniques weren't working. We always have something to learn - what's the risk anyway?
OP I think you need to revisit what issues you have in your childhood that remain unresolved and probably affect your relationship with your DD. Your DD is not enjoying her 'bad' behaviour, she is acting this way because she feels insecure and maybe unsettled by something. Find out what, for her sake.

Topseyt · 27/02/2017 20:13

Positive parenting with boundaries, yes. Gentle read wishy-washy parenting, no.

Wallywobbles · 27/02/2017 20:19

Have a look at the positive discipline books by Jane Nelson. I read a massive amount of different ones when my DD1 was doing this at 18 months up to 2 1/2.

Most of the books depressed me and made me feel like I'd already failed. I role played some of the discipline methods and I hated most of them. This one really worked for us.

It also meant I had a whole different set of skills with DD2 and they were life changing.