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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you honestly if you think my DD is badly behaved?

465 replies

tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 08:24

DD is 3, and I used to think a lot of her behaviour was normal for this age. I still think it's normal but I wonder if DD is maybe at an extreme end and I wonder if its my parenting Sad I definitely don't want soft soaping here so please give it to me straight.

  • tantrums, I know, normal for this age group but they last such an unbelievably long time and are so forceful. She honestly screams as if she is being murdered. Anything and nothing sets them off, things like buttoning her cardigan the wrong way, putting a blue hair bow in and she wanted purple.
  • rudeness (this upsets me most) she is not a polite little girl. We were at a party the other day and she was given a "prize." She responded with a foot stamp and a loud "noooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOO I want THAT one." She couldn't have "that" one so she just kept screaming. It was a gift Sad She has done this before if anyone gives her anything, so embarrassing.
  • won't walk anywhere for long periods, she has to be carried and only by me, not DH or one of my friends. I've stood for an hour telling her to walk but she doesn't give up. It's definitely about being close to me not tiredness as alternatives like DH carrying her, standing on the buggy board, don't work.
  • sleep, she's always been a bad sleeper and it's not improving, she wakes several times in the night and again it is me she wants.

It sounds awful but it's putting a strain on our relationship as DH thinks (he doesn't say so explicitly but it's obvious) I have "caused" this and I think maybe I have as I was very into the whole gentle parenting thing when she was born. We were at the zoo the other day and DH suddenly walked away with other DC when she was whining and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I wanted to smack her, and I felt awful for wanting to smack her, but I did." I knew what he meant. Obviously I don't want to smack her but I do feel like she's making us all and more importantly herself miserable right now.

Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
EmeraldScorn · 26/02/2017 18:57

She sounds spoilt and bad tempered but both are things that you can change to avoid her growing up into an entitled brat.

As others have suggested, boundaries and consequences; You're the adult, she's the child, make the rules, enforce them and reprimand her when she crosses the line.

Backingvocals · 26/02/2017 19:03

Ok I am bang to rights there. I am absolutely so frustrated with my friend who is making her life so much harder than it needs to be and who is, honestly, doing her DS no favours. But I wouldnt have posted about her if it hadn't seemed relevant.

I think my friend was also not listened to as a child (it was the 70s so also more typical then). She wants to support her son and be his ally in a difficult family situation. But there are ways to do that without allowing the child's every last expression of feeling to be attended to.

Can you think of it as helping her to slowly start managing her feelings, naming and acting on them appropriately? Not now - she's 3. But you are starting to give her the tools now to use as she grows up. That puts you on her side and listening but also starting to put appropriate responses in place.

Vegansnake · 26/02/2017 19:06

Also...it's soooo much easier to tackle this now,than in 5 or 10 yrs time...you can do it 💐

GingerLDN · 26/02/2017 19:08

I'm sure that was aimed at least partly at me. I am going off of experiences I have had. Which is I'm sure what many of us do when trying to give advice. I was trying to be helpful and if you feel that what I've said does not apply then don't take from it.

ElvishArchdruid · 26/02/2017 19:22

I've not RTFP I use and have used the same form of parenting with my children, explaining why they're being naughty etc. But at this age it's really hard. We always have had DH as being stricter as we agree to disagree which way works best.

I would have been mortified at her behaviour at the party. I was quick and a bit panicky when mine were little to think could it be ASD. I'm guessing people have already said talk to your HV about this. I also think she she's pushing her boundaries to the limit, (I can't believe I'm saying this) but sit her on the sofa, no TV, she's not to move and firmly tell her she's been a bad girl.

If she plays up when you're out excuse yourself, apologise if needed and sit her in the car, tell her she's been very naughty, firmly, don't react for the rest of the journey. I know this is going to be really hard for you, but as its your attention she wants, removing the attention is the most viable response. She'll soon learn that she has to behave to get your attention.
I'm sure you've been given lots of advice, hope you manage to sort it.

boolifooli · 26/02/2017 19:34

I work in a school. By far the poorest behaved children have shouty angry parents.

isadoradancing123 · 26/02/2017 19:45

I think it is on the extreme end of normal and you need to be a little firmer, like your husband

BertieBotts · 26/02/2017 20:24

Ledkr you mentioned parenting classes online, are there any you can recommend? My DS is older now but was similar to OP's DD at 3 and I could definitely do with some help with boundary setting, but I always struggle with the "ignore/punish tantrums" mindset because to me they are distressed/overwhelmed in that situation. And that causes me to reject a lot of advice probably unnecessarily.

Things have got easier as he's got older and more rational and while I have got better at boundaries on my own I would like to be prepared in case we have any more Grin Plus, DH still thinks I'm too soft when we do have the occasional behaviour issue to deal with, so it would be interesting to see how that kind of thing works if there are classes out there which don't focus on ignoring or punishing (what amounts to me as) feelings.

EnormousTiger · 26/02/2017 20:27

Agree with boo. Children often mirror your mood. Mine don't swear or shout (they are older now though) and I don't.

None of mine slept through the night regularly until they were 4 or 5 so your 3 year old waking every night is bog standard in many families.

She may just be a very strongly willed girl which may well stand her in good stead in later life.

Not walking again is like many of my children.

Keep an eye on her but don't rush to condemn her. Just listent to her, make sure she is getting to bed early with a nice routine, hot bath, cuddles stories and eating good foods and enough fresh air. Avoid melt down places where it matters eg I don't take small children shopping but I would take them to an empty beach or field.

mygorgeousmilo · 26/02/2017 20:28

Agree with OP saying some pp are just venting frustrations about their friends' "gentle parenting", and I happily include myself in that! It can be very frustrating seeing endless unnecessary tantrums and tears, not seeing your friends because their kid is actually intolerable. Or seeing that the child is unhappy, and quite often seeing your dear friends become distraught over their child's behaviour. Nobody wants to see that situation for others, and the answer seems so clear that people get frustrated, that's it. You don't have to do any of it, but as PP have said, you've asked for advice, and this is it. Nobody's being nasty, but I think most people are getting sick of being around other people's badly behaved kids. I have not long been in from a kid's party and my goodness.... the most mean spirited and entitled 6 year olds you can imagine. We've known them since nursery and they've always been this way, and guess what? Parents that don't say no, and ask them what their little poppers want while the child is screeching and complaining. Never are there consequences for bad behaviour, and the results are that they are middle class/highly educated/very high earning professionals, with a child that cannot learn properly and has no real friends because they will not listen, will not respect the teacher, and are often being sent home or on time out at school because they point blank refuse to behave. No they don't have SEN. They don't grow out of being entitled little sods, it gets worse if you don't give them the skills to behave.

Avebury · 26/02/2017 20:28

I have only skim read the thread so apologies if I am repeating anything but it is so true that if you put the ground work in when they are small with boundaries, rules and letting them know that ultimately you are the one in charge then it makes life so much easier in the future.
I was pretty tough from the start if my toddlers were misbehaving. Warm, cuddly and fun most of the time but I never ever gave in to a tantrum and had no qualms about leaving somewhere they were having fun if they kicked off - even if that meant also having to drag away my other children who were behaving. You only have to do it a few times though and they know you mean business and quickly adapt their behaviour.
My children are now older primary school aged and on the whole an absolute delight. Lots of play date invitations and parents often comment on how well behaved and polite they are and I can honestly say that we have a really lovely relationship.
Having put those boundaries in place and taught them how to behave early I rarely have to tell them off now so we can just have fun, they are happy to talk to me about anything and everything and I genuinely get to enjoy their company.
They also rarely bicker with each other when I see friends with similar aged children having real trouble with sibling rivalry and sometimes actual physical fighting. Often those are the friends that thought I was far too harsh when they were toddlers.
It might feel 'wrong' to you at first but it really is worth it.

ginsparkles · 26/02/2017 20:39

It seems many permissive parents call themselves gentle parents.... true gentle parenting does not mean having no boundaries. There seems to be a massive misunderstanding of that running through many of the posts on this thread.

SuperPug · 26/02/2017 20:48

Mygorgeousmilo - I think you summed that up beautifully.

BathshebaDarkstone · 26/02/2017 20:50

glitterazi that's exactly what I do, and it stops the tantrum. Only if he wants it though, if he doesn't I walk away and ignore him.

EnormousTiger · 26/02/2017 21:37

3 year olds often have tantrums. It is not about having boundaries or needing harsh punishments. They tend to grow out of it.

I would hope every poster no the thread is gentle with children, Who would be rough?

You can still be gentle and have a bed time for them ( as I always had).

Sisinisawa · 26/02/2017 21:39

I haven't read all 15 pages but one thing I wondered is could she be autistic? She sounds similar to my dd who was recently diagnosed.

GingerLDN · 26/02/2017 21:59

Mygorgeousmilo I could not agree more. If only I could say to my friend what I advised on here. I think they would have a much easier/happier life and people wouldn't avoid them. Due to the 'gentle parenting' my friend can't meet in public as she is embarrassed of her child's behaviour. How can somebody live like that? However unless she asks, like OP did, I will keep my thoughts to myself.

IonaNE · 26/02/2017 22:01

She sounds rather badly behaved.
I do want to be her friend
Why would you want to be friends with a 3-year-old? Friends are your peers. You can be friends with her when she is an adult. Atm you are the parent of a toddler whose social education is in your hands.

Re. your walking away and her trying to climb onto you: well, you obviously continue to walk and don't stop to give a piggyback, which kills your back anyway.

MrsFarebrother · 26/02/2017 22:16

Haven't read the whole way through the thread.
She sounds intense and having difficulty controlling her emotions rather than badly behaved.
Wouldn't say it's that unusual for a child to have a tantrum over something at the end of a party, she was probably overestimated.
Is a toddler sling an option? Tula and beco make very comfortable toddler slings. We use one for our three year old, saves hauling a buggy around and he loves it, it's easier to chat to him when he's in the sling as opposed to a buggy.
I have a child similar age whose behaviour can be very challenging. We get down and talk to him at eye level, don't give into tantrums, use time out, pick our battles and he will still have massive strops over tiny issues. Very strong emotions, our other child is completely different. He normally sleeps quite well, but the nights he doesn't sleep he's a terror the next day. Sleep would probably make a huge difference to your dd.

KittyVonCatsington · 26/02/2017 22:25

I haven't read all 15 pages but one thing I wondered is could she be autistic? She sounds similar to my dd who was recently diagnosed

Forgive me if I am being ignorant but wouldn't her DD behave in the same way, for DH and nursery as well, if she was? She is very well behaved for both of the OP isn't there.

LePetitPont · 27/02/2017 07:17

I think it sounds like your dd is more strong-willed than most but she is only 3 - her brain is still developing and maturing and it is our job as parents to help guide them (as per the original meaning of the word discipline).

I have a 2.5 year old who is prone to tantrums when tired or hungry. I would always offer cuddles and empathy - just not give in to whatever kicked it off in the first place. So finding that balance between being loving and listening and on their side whilst maintaining your clear boundaries. I have to consciously not be permissive and find the Sarah ockwell-smith books really helpful in gentle parenting and not being afraid to upset children but helping them through the upset very reassuring. Do think some posters on here are missing the point of what gentle parenting is all about!

I like this Laura markham article and her concept of "attached leadership" too: www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/permissive-parenting

There's definitely something in picking your battles and when a choice can't be made, making it for them too. We use a sling or daddy shoulder rides to get round the walking (I am very pregnant!) - lots of playful approaches where possible.

Good luck, all children are different and respond to varying techniques to varying degrees - don't feel you have to turn into some draconian supernanny!

fuckwitery · 27/02/2017 09:00

Naughty step/time out. Works a treat wherever you are.

PuffinDodger · 27/02/2017 09:48

Sounds like you've got the balance right LePetit

Enko · 27/02/2017 10:16

Op you seem to rraslct really strongly to the suggrstion of a parenting course
I have attended several in my x profession and none of them are about teachibg you how to parent. Theybare all about helping you realise how to trust yourself and your way of parenting and how to commhnicate bstween parebts who may have differebt opinions and also about making the right choices for you. So i am going to suggest that you look into one. It really is not about you not doing it right. It is about you finding the way that makes things easier for you.

Why not ask at your local childrens centre and see what they offer. They will have a description. I bet it is a far cry from what you expect them to be.

mikado1 · 27/02/2017 11:17

I'm on p12 but have to run.

Few things:

  1. Looks like you're finding it hard to decide so I will help you, we'll go with X bow today and stick with it.
  2. Talk to her after the fact, she's taking nothing in at the time but talk while curled up with bedtime story and outline expectations for next time and get her to agree.
  3. Include her in the consequence- "would you like to take the present or leave now?' Her choice and might help you with your feeling of being harsh.
  4. Empathise but remain as unbotgered as you can.

I
Janet lansbury, Laura Markham (both have endless examples and scripts) and Vanessa depointe worth looking up. All gentle and respectful but underline boundaries held firmly.