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Original poster

To ask you honestly if you think my DD is badly behaved?

465 replies

tickettostruggling · 26/02/2017 08:24

DD is 3, and I used to think a lot of her behaviour was normal for this age. I still think it's normal but I wonder if DD is maybe at an extreme end and I wonder if its my parenting Sad I definitely don't want soft soaping here so please give it to me straight.

  • tantrums, I know, normal for this age group but they last such an unbelievably long time and are so forceful. She honestly screams as if she is being murdered. Anything and nothing sets them off, things like buttoning her cardigan the wrong way, putting a blue hair bow in and she wanted purple.
  • rudeness (this upsets me most) she is not a polite little girl. We were at a party the other day and she was given a "prize." She responded with a foot stamp and a loud "noooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOO I want THAT one." She couldn't have "that" one so she just kept screaming. It was a gift Sad She has done this before if anyone gives her anything, so embarrassing.
  • won't walk anywhere for long periods, she has to be carried and only by me, not DH or one of my friends. I've stood for an hour telling her to walk but she doesn't give up. It's definitely about being close to me not tiredness as alternatives like DH carrying her, standing on the buggy board, don't work.
  • sleep, she's always been a bad sleeper and it's not improving, she wakes several times in the night and again it is me she wants.

It sounds awful but it's putting a strain on our relationship as DH thinks (he doesn't say so explicitly but it's obvious) I have "caused" this and I think maybe I have as I was very into the whole gentle parenting thing when she was born. We were at the zoo the other day and DH suddenly walked away with other DC when she was whining and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I wanted to smack her, and I felt awful for wanting to smack her, but I did." I knew what he meant. Obviously I don't want to smack her but I do feel like she's making us all and more importantly herself miserable right now.

Any advice? Sad

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 27/02/2017 20:29

Just to second some pp. We have a friend who we enjoyed sending time with. She now doesn't get invited because her little sister is awful. Mum doesn't discipline the youngest. Eldest had loads. So it's also doubly unfair on the eldest.

Wallywobbles · 27/02/2017 20:30

With the walking. We would pick them up for a few minutes but not move. Absolutely zero carrying.

Doyouwantabrew · 27/02/2017 20:32

Agree Topseyt

AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 20:46

Agree Star

doubletrouble41 · 27/02/2017 20:54

" Middle Class Parents don't go on parenting courses"
Wow. Maybe they should. Spoken as half of a "working class" couple with six kids between us, none of whom have ever displayed behaviour as awful as your child, who to answer your question, sounds horrifically behaved.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/02/2017 20:57

Read the whole thread with interest - I've got a 2.5yo who is just starting "terrible twos" in earnest. I've read a lot of the recommended books and a lot of the techniques have worked for us so far but we're having to raise our game / try new techniques and get firmer with him at the moment to try to bring some defiant boundary-pushing into check.

Still a work in progress for us but I notice a big difference between things on which we have been firm and consistent on vs. those we've been softer on. Where I've really set clear boundaries things are generally plain sailing (or can usually be easily controlled by reiterating the boundary). Things where we've been more relaxed or inconsistent (especially where DH and I have been different in approach) are starting to get more challenging.

Am struggling a bit at the moment with deliberate defiance - e.g. throwing things to get a reaction, would love to hear suggestions on dealing with this!

mikado1 · 27/02/2017 21:20

bubbins throwing is a developmental thing at that age, saying 'wow, you can really throw, let's get some soft balls/go outside' or if that's not practical, 'I can see you love throwing. I can't let you throw in the house, you could break something. Let's do X instead. We can throw later.' Janet lansbury says if you're asking twice it's too much...so, on second time move in and stop it.

Being aware of developmentally normal behaviour is really helpful I've found and shouldn't be punished. Let me find a good link.

Op the fact you say you're intbtke oareb

mikado1 · 27/02/2017 21:24

Oops, phone's gone crazy!

Op you said you were into gentle pa renting, which, despite your own admission to lack of boundaries, made me think you were interested, well read on the matter - this doesn't tie in with someone who's so dismissive of parenting courses Confused

therealpippi · 27/02/2017 21:31

The irony...

Ellieboolou27 · 27/02/2017 21:53

Haven't rtft but.... my dd was still is like this and she's 4.5, I've read countless books, talked to nursery, friends, other parents, even the gp!
The best thing that worked for me is a website called A-HA parenting.

Like your dd my dd is excellent with her speech and is rarely naughty with others unless I'm around.
Time out, naughty steps, confiscation tactics did not and do not work on her.

Try the website as it has really helped me, my dd is socially and emotionally immature and I found the website really helped.

3 is still very little and you sound like your just exhausted trying to do the best for her and for you. Flowers

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/02/2017 22:34

mikado I've read similar about throwing as a developmental phase and we've definitely had periods where he's been throwing for the novelty of seeing something fly through the air.

However we are in a phase of him throwing things in a much more defiant way - rejected food items get thrown in anger, he is throwing things at our pets and at me with a defiant laugh. All stuff he clearly knows is 'wrong'. I am bit conflicted on how to respond as I think he does it for a reaction and I wonder if a dramatic response is adding fuel to fire.

Great link though - the section on 2.5yos is reassuringly spot-on!

mikado1 · 27/02/2017 22:44

Ah good! :)

Janet lansbury tackles exactly that-yes a dramatic response will increase it for sure. She talks about deactivating the buttons he's trying to push! Uber calm if possible while physically preventing (best) or stopping it.

38cody · 28/02/2017 00:20

She sounds pretty badly behaved - set boundaries and stick to them. If you want DH to carry her - he carries her. If she screams over present tell her its the one shes been given or nothing - if she screams - give her nothing. You need to take control - and MEAN it.

ilovepixie · 28/02/2017 00:32

I'm sorry but she sounds a real Veruca Salt to me. If she's allowed to get away with bad behaviour now god knows what she's going to be like as a teenager. For her sake you've got to nip it in the bud now. discipline her when she's naughty. You're her parent not her friend so act like it.

Lonelymummyof1 · 28/02/2017 04:12

Was reading through and felt quite sorry for you, then realised your child spoilt tendancy seem to stem from you.
"Come on middle class do not do parenting classes"
What makes it different from working / lower class parents doing them ?
You clearly are having issues with parenting and to be honest my daughter is also 3 im a single mum on benefits living in council house.
I am also very pro gentle parenting in the right way and my 3 yr old can be cheeky and naughtly like the best of them however, her she barely tantrums and if she does they last a minute ( she is genuinly useless at throwing a tantrum )
She would never be rude to a single person and would be happy of she won a pencil and the kid next to her won a bike.
She has drew on walls and got in to bad situations and has pushed boundaries but again is polite and thankful with a very nice personality.

Euripidesralph · 28/02/2017 05:25

OP ultimately you have no intention of putting in the work to change this at all , I suspect you posted in order for everyone to reassure you that in fact all of this was normal behaviour and to carry on as you were

Frankly your responses come across as insipid and limp wristed and as silly as your post about parenting courses is I suspect it's more that it would require actual effort from you

To an extent I sympathise. ...I was very much pfb with ds1 and I'm paying for it (if it helps not to dismiss my post I am most definitely middle class ) ....we all make mistakes....I couldn't bear the thought of disciplining I wanted him to have everything he wanted and always to be happy

I was entirely ridiculous and the worst thing is that he suffers for it , now I'm having to turn around behaviour that is far from the poor kids own fault but it won't help him in the future

My job is to be his parent and his brothers parent, indulging my own needs in regards to not wanting to upset my dc is selfish and entitled.....we don't get an easy rode as parents ....you want good behaviour? Work for it

I suspect you won't, you want an easy fix like her being tired (could be a part but I suspect only a part), you don't want to actually do anything..so good luck with that

So you're clear when your dd grows up she will not appreciated your insipid passivity. ..she won't see it as you being her friend....she will resent you couldn't be bothered to work hard enough to be her parent

mygorgeousmilo · 28/02/2017 06:31

Agree with Euripides

doubletrouble41 · 28/02/2017 06:42

Just adding in before I duck out, that I see this attitude all the time amongst the kids at our local school; middle class parents who think purely because they are giving their child a "naice " middle class upbringing, in an attractive house and dress them in boden instead of living in a pebbledashed council flat and dressed in george from asda then it follows that they are "good" parents. Wish they would realise it takes more than this. Many of their kids display hideous behaviour. Rant over. Apologies if have offended anyone besides the OP.

LePetitPont · 28/02/2017 06:53

mikado that's a great link re age appropriate developments, thank you! Explains the massive tantrum when the pizza had to go in the oven last night...

OP - There's no way I'd be described as anything other than middle class and I'd gladly do a parenting course - we can only do better if we know better. What an odd comment! I hope you can find a way that works for your family and the right balance between on their side with clear boundaries. Not easy, i full well know.

pictish · 28/02/2017 07:31

My experience of three kids of my own all going through a 'naice' school is also that bad behaviour, poor manners and undesirable conduct goes across the 'classes'.
Being middle class excuses and prevents nothing...there are awful bloody kids throughout.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 28/02/2017 07:33

Explains the massive tantrum when the pizza had to go in the oven last night

Haha we had exactly the same tantrum last night!

midcenturymodern · 28/02/2017 08:00

OP ultimately you have no intention of putting in the work to change this at all , I suspect you posted in order for everyone to reassure you that in fact all of this was normal behaviour and to carry on as you were

I tend to agree. You have explained your dd's behaviour, explained how you parent her, explained that she does behave perfectly well with adults who have clear boundaries but dismiss advice with 'my child is not like the child you are describing who behaves in the exact same way and I am not like the parent you are describing who parents in the exact same way.'

Maybe you think you are too MC to learn anything about parenting because of the delicate illusion that you parent 'better' than other people and you dd's behaviour is some symptom of her spirt and brightness rather than a rather sad sounding little girl who is desperately trying to find the boundaries that should hold her, protect her and keep her safe. She's 3. She can't grow and develop without the freedom of boundaries. When she is a teenager she can smash them up and rebel but FFS, she is 3. Acting out what you think is a MC parenting script to avoid sliding back into the working classes (I suspect you are a new arrival to MC) is ridiculous when your child is miserable. (Waits to be told child is ecstatically happy)

NataliaOsipova · 28/02/2017 08:23

Let's give the OP a break about the parenting courses now..... Yes, her comment was ill judged, but let's move on.

OP - the thing that strikes me most was your comment that you think that other people avoid you because of your DD's behaviour. That is a huge red flag and implies very strongly that other people do indeed think she's badly behaved. It's a hard thing to do - but ask them if that's the case. You've obviously come to the conclusion yourself that she is badly behaved. Start by confessing this and ask for their help and advice. Do you have a friend who is blunt and will be reasonably honest with you? Start with her. They will know you, your DD and the pattern of behaviour much better than strangers on the Internet. They will also be kinder than we are (so you won't get the truth unvarnished, but you will get an insight).

Astro55 · 28/02/2017 08:50

It may not be the DD behaviour but the ineffective parenting style -

Plenty of 'no darling' when the kids are causing chaos -