Was neighbour's reaction out of order?

[RuledByAToddler]

I've name changed because this is quite outing, also sorry for the long post in advance but I want to prevent drip feeding.

Thursday my 13 year old sisters came round in the morning as they were meeting a friend who lives by me and then they were planning to go into town but Doris put a stop to that so they all ended up stuck at mine with no power for hours.
Fast forward a few hours and wind is beginning to ebb away so sister 1 and friend go off to park opposite my flat, 20 minutes later my doorbell rings so sister 2 shouts down the stairs (upstairs flat) that door is open as she thought it was sister 1. Turned out to be neighbour's 19 year old son instead. She told him one moment whilst she got me, I quickly throw some clothes on as I've just got out of shower due to power finally coming back on, when I step out my bedroom and he has already let himself in and come up the stairs so is stood waiting outside my bedroom door.
He then told me how my sister and friend have been playing knock-a-door run on both his doorbell and his bedroom window (he lives in downstairs flat) and he's not taking it. Immediately I apologise, explain I was unaware but now I am I will have them straight in and not to let them back out and I will deal with them both. Neighbour's son repeats himself about what the girls have been doing and his voice is raising to the point he is shouting in my face, I stay calm and repeat that I understand his frustration and I'm sorry for their actions and I will deal with them, he then carries on shouting in my face again how they have been ringing his doorbell and knocking on window then storms down stairs and shouts back that he's calling the HA next time.
By this point I was furious at the way he had barged into my home, spoken to me and then threatened me with HA as he stormed away. I immediately though shout the girls in, tell them off and don't let them back out for the rest of the day. I later get a call from DM after girls have gone home and she sends me a video of girls pissing about earlier, there was also footage from neighbour's son kicking the bin shed gate in on them both when he was coming round to my home.

Today I went around to neighbour's to deal with situation as her and I have always got along very well and I didn't want there to be any issues. I asked that her son come speak to me too, at first he refused but then reluctantly came out. I told them how I was sorry for sister's actions and she had been dealt with accordingly, but I then told them how I wanted an apology for his actions as he was aggressive, threatening and even showed violent behaviour by kicking gate with girls behind it. They did not seem to think he did anything wrong, AIBU by thinking his reaction was very wrong, especially as it was the first time he had come to me about the situation and it's not as though he had already asked me to deal with it and I'd ignored him?
Please do tell me if I am because right now I'm so angry I can't see past my own point of view

If they had scared me by knocking on my door and running away for ten minutes I would have ranted too. I would genuinely have been stressed and terrified - I have anxiety and other issues.

At the age of 13 they are old enough not to fuck about like that - and I agree with PP who said that the fact they were filming implies they could have intended to put it online.

And calling it 'naughty' is devaluing the behaviour - it's nasty and malicious

Sailor you appear to be one of the very few PP's on here that understands the point I was trying to make in this post.

No, Sailor is one of the very few people agreeing with you.

You asked AIBU and I think you've got your answer yet you're still not accepting it.

Again there's a difference between ranted and coming in uninvited (as he was told to stay), screaming at a woman with young children present in her own home, screaming at said woman again after the provocation, kicking a gate which children were hiding behind and so on.

However next time anything similar happens to me I'll be sure to act like a raving looney and lash out because they should know better and my response is, according to netmums, entirely reasonable and proportionate.

And no, I agreed that the children should be punished. I agreed their actions were not excusable. However I'm one of the few to say that neither were his. Their actions did not justify his. His actions towards OP were unprovoked on both occasions and his mother merely swept it aside as 'passionate'.

He was in the wrong.
They were in the wrong.

And again, I think the children thought it would be funny. I doubt they set out thinking it would upset someone and therefore be funny.

RuledByAToddler

Upthread you seem to infer that this is his fault because he hasn't tried to get to know you (this was referenced to possible MH issues). What would he have in-common with you or your sisters?

Can you imagine the response to a thread about an almost 20 year old trying to be friends with 2 (3) 13 year old girls?

The majority (if not all) have said that what has done is wrong, he could have handled it better. But the cause of all of this was the behaviour of your sister and her friend.

Maybe you should also be reminding them that not only have they pissed off and possibly damaged the relationship that you had with the neighbour but that the knock on affect form their actions is that they have also caused you grief and suffering as well.

sailorcherries

His actions were provoked. It doesn't excuse them.

If this happens again I would hope that he would do the sensible thing and call the police and the HA.

The girls were completely in the wrong. Have they gone round to apologise, or write a letter and apologise to the young man for the inconvenience to him?

I do however agree that his behaviour was completely unacceptable. No way he should have entered more than a couple of foot into your house even if he appeared to be invited in. I do think he owes you an apology, but I think the one from the children involved must come first and it must come without the expectation of an apology back. He may once the children have apologised, see that he over-reacted and say sorry. He may not. Best thing you can do is set the example for the others about how to behave and when they do something wrong they should sincerely apologise.

Oh and saying that it was only a couple of times in that ten minutes - when you're on the receiving end you don't know when it's next going to happen. You're on the edge the whole time waiting for the next time.

Ok kali, as a 19 year old at home with a parent you were frightened by two thirteen year olds knocking on the door.

No I don't think it's the same that it's a 19 year old bloke and I also think that unless you have diagnosed anxiety you are being disingenuous to make an argument. You know as well as I do that men are not brought up to feel afraid of being alone or of strangers etc. 'No idea' - well no, but as you're putting a very personal slant on an anonymous post on Mumsnet can I suggest that you don't actually 'know' anything either?

If you wouldn't think your dad had overreacted to do this then why isn't it an overreaction from the young man? Can't see anyone saying that.

Anyway, I agree with Worra. This dude and his mum clearly don't think he overreacted so OP won't get an apology. The girls have been punished. Draw a line under it.

He was invited in! He knocked on the door and was told "the door's open" - what was he supposed to think? If someone knocks on the door and is told it's open then it is clear that one is being invited to come through it.

The fact that the "it's open" remark was issued on the basis that they thought it was someone else is irrelevant.

barinatxe

The other sister did say it's open and when he opened the door she then went on to say she thought it was someone else and she'd get her sister to come to him. At that point the invitation is revoked. He then proceeded to come in, come upstairs and wait outside a woman's bedroom.

BoneyBack I am not trying in anyway to imply this is all the man's fault because we have never spoke, I simply made it known that we have no prior relationship friendly or otherwise because he has never spoken to me before, therefore he shouldn't have thought it ok to walk into my house and up the stairs and wait outside my bedroom door when he had clearly been told (AFTER the initial mix up at the door) to wait whilst I was informed he was wanting to speak to me.

Chocolatecake the girls were completely in the wrong and that has never been questioned by myself, I didn't take them round straight after to apologise because quite frankly I was too intimidated to go around with them so soon after because I was afraid he may get more angry. Many PP's seem to think this was a cop out of me however they did not witness the aggression from this young man and I was too nervous to take the risk of pushing him any further.
I did have the girls write an apology letter and I have promised neighbour that sister will be sent round to say sorry personally when she is round again tomorrow evening, I also apologised on their behalf the moment he told what they were doing and again yesterday but the first time the apology seemed to be landing on deaf ears as he just shouted in my face and yesterday I literally got told not to 'fucking bother'
I have still promised his mum that I will send sister round and she can apologise to her at very least, even if the son doesn't want to hear it.

LadyPW I was not trying to justify or minimise their actions by saying it was only a couple times in ten minutes. I actually said it was 4 times in total and I only said that in answer to someone who asked if it was a few times or ten minutes of repeated knocking.

Barinatxe I can only say so many times, he was NOT invited in. He was told door was open, he then pushed it open but stayed outside, this is when sister 2 saw it was him and not sister 1 so she explained she had presumed incorrectly then asked him to wait whilst I was informed he was at the door. If he thought he was invited in, why did he not walk straight in when sister 2 first shouted the door was open? He remained outside the door until she had already asked him to wait and then she had walked off, that it when he took it upon himself to come inside and walk up the stairs, of which I could have still forgiven as a misunderstanding, but not to then walk down the hallway to wait outside my bedroom door, that made the situation intimidating

Chocolatecake the girls were completely in the wrong and that has never been questioned by myself, I didn't take them round straight after to apologise because quite frankly I was too intimidated to go around with them so soon after because I was afraid he may get more angry. Many PP's seem to think this was a cop out of me however they did not witness the aggression from this young man and I was too nervous to take the risk of pushing him any further.
I did have the girls write an apology letter and I have promised neighbour that sister will be sent round to say sorry personally when she is round again tomorrow evening, I also apologised on their behalf the moment he told what they were doing and again yesterday but the first time the apology seemed to be landing on deaf ears as he just shouted in my face and yesterday I literally got told not to 'fucking bother'
I have still promised his mum that I will send sister round and she can apologise to her at very least, even if the son doesn't want to hear it.

That's understandable OP. Well if she's written a letter and you send her round to apologise tomorrow then that is all you can do. Hopefully he will grow up enough to apologise to you for shouting at you and hopefully that will be the end to it.

Given their behaviour it's probably better for your sister not to be wandering around your street when she visits. Four times in ten minutes is enough to annoy, scare or upset someone. It might be an idea to keep her away from the neighbours for everyone's sake

I seriously would not be impressed with my 13 year old if he did this.
THIRTEEN. Definitely old enough to know better. Have you seen the size of some 13 years olds? Some of them are taller than I am, and built like brick outhouses.
It's intimidating behaviour. Ten minutes of knocking on windows etc is far too long, whether repeatedly or not.
No wonder he shouted and got pissed off.
If mine did this I would be absolutely mortified and apologising profusely and making sure they did too and grounding him for being a little shite
Not once would it even cross my mind to demand an apology from the neighbour for shouting.
No wonder some kids are the way they are. Not allowed to tell them off for fear of getting that kind of reaction from you! "He should be apologising to me, how dare he shout!"
Erm... no. If you're going to act like little shits, don't be surprised if you get pulled up on it.
Oh, and he was invited in so hardly barged into your home. Them shouting "doors open!" when you've no idea who's there was bloody stupid.

Those girls sound like yobs! Our small town has been plagued with kids like that. but they picked on a small Lidl store and kept running in and out and scaring the workers and customers.
They never needed a security guard before, but now they do.
At 13 they should be aware that it's not NORMAL to scare people. If they're not careful they will end up in the wrong crowd and in prison one day.

Christ no one actually reads everything.
He didn't shout at the girls. He kicked a 6ft tall wooden gate at them, knowing they were behind it.
The comment of doors open was immediately changed to something along the lines of "oh I thought you were x please wait here and I'll get my sister". That is uninviting someone in. It was alsona different girl.
The man then shouted at the OP, in her home, without being invited, in front of an innocent child and toddler. Despite the OP apologising for her sister, multiple times.
The OP made the girls write a letter of apology as she didn't want them to annoy the man any more, at that given point.
The OP then grounded her sister, while she was there and informed their mother. Not much else the OP can do.
The OP then went to see the man and his mother, on a different day, to tell him the girl would be apologising when next round but that she didn't appreciate the way she was spoken to. Shr never denied her sister was in the wrong and she tried to make amends. This man was then verbally aggressive again and his mother thought that was reasonable.

Not once did the OP claim they were innocent or say they shouldn't be punished. She asked if the neighbours reaction to her was warranted, which it wasn't.

Oh and it works the other way.
If that gate had contacted any of the children he would be taken by the police for assault.
The OP could also call the police because the man entered her property without invitation, as it was revoked, and harrassed her.

He is a yob too.

He didn't shout at the girls.

I didn't say he did. OP did say that he shouted at her though. So there was shouting involved, and OP expects an apology for it.

Yes, he should apologise. He came in, uninvited, and told her what had happened. She apologised on their behalf and tried to sort things. He then started acting aggressively in her home, despite being given an apology and being told it wouldn't continue.
He acted unreasonably towards OP as it wasn't her fault, she never denied the behaviour and actively tried to sort it.

He came in, uninvited,

"Door's open!"

Invite right there. Stupid thing to say when you don't know who it is.