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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask friend to childproof her house

346 replies

Jakarty · 25/02/2017 05:51

Best friend is 30. Never married, no kids ando lives on her own. Her flat is absolutely gorgeous- beautiful furniture, fancy candles, ornaments, lamps.

Problem: I pop over about once a week (she also comes to mine) with 2.5yo DD. DD naturally goes to pick up items out on display. DF never gets annoyed or tells her off but I can feel her tensing whenever DD touches a candle or ornament and I feel constantly on edge in case she breaks something! Plus there is also the choking hazard which I don't think she has considered. Also she had one of those adult colouring books which DD spotted the other day and wanted to use. Friend said no as it's 'for adults ' and DD had a massive tantrum! She can't understand why a colouring book is not for her.

I was thinking that I could ask her if she can just put all these things away if we are coming over so that a) her things don't get ruined and b) DD is safe and happy and I can relax with my coffee. Is that U? It's only for a few hours once a week.
Friend is lovely in other ways, not usually inconsiderate

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 28/02/2017 10:52

So do i? Poor fuckers.

MrsKoala · 28/02/2017 10:52

sorry - random question mark there (i'm bfing - apols)

Gottagetmoving · 28/02/2017 10:55

So do i? Poor fuckers

IWantATardis · 28/02/2017 11:54

MrsKoala I've been there too.
It's absolutely exhausting and yes, sometimes the only solution is to either remove the tempting thing from sight, or to physically remove the kicking screaming child from the situation.

Thankfully DS1 (5.5 yrs) seems to have mostly grown out of this sort of thing now.

DS2 (3.5 yrs) was always a calmer and more obedient child. So much more responsive to being told "no" or "come play with this instead".

That's because they're 2 different children with different characters and temperaments though. Not because our parenting has massively changed for the better.

toomuchtooold · 28/02/2017 12:23

When my twins were toddlers, one of them would get an object of desire in her sights and would be utterly inconsolable if she couldn't get it. She was the one that, when her key worker was off for the day, the nursery head would ask me to wish her luck with looking after her. My other DD was a biddable and cheery little soul who loved and loves knowing the rules and getting direction and would try really hard to do as you asked. I'm fairly sure my parenting style was the same for both .

EurusHolmesViolin · 28/02/2017 12:48

But if that's true toomuchtooold, it would mean all the claims about this being a parenting issue are a load of bollocks.

I wonder how the teachers at school will cope with them? hmm

Were you not aware that some children, like, develop? And that they sometimes have different abilities and interests at 5 than 2? I'll be honest with you, I'm starting to think maybe we couldn't replace all the child development professionals in the land with a link to your contributions on this thread after all.

Gottagetmoving · 28/02/2017 13:07

The fact that you would think that is indicative of a problem with your ignorance and arrogance, rather than anything else

Or it my be experience of having looked after many many children., some of whose parents claimed their children could not be distracted or stopped from going after something or doing something,.. or would have to only be fed certain foods because 'they won't eat anything else and nothing works'
Yes, all children are different but that does not mean anything is impossible.

HookandSwan · 28/02/2017 13:22

You can't ask her to do that no lol sorry but lol imagine

MsHooliesCardigan · 28/02/2017 13:33

MrsKoala I'be been there with DS1 who was the toddler from hell. His CM who had been childminding for 30 years said he was the most stubborn child she had ever seen. My DM who was a primary school teacher for 40 years agreed with her. My HV referred him for a paediatric assessment as his behaviour was so extreme. They didn't diagnose anything but agreed that he was 'exceptionally strong willed'. Luckily, he just grew out of it. He's 16 now and an absolute joy and has been no bother as a teenager- I think he got it all out of his system as a toddler.
By contrast, DD was the most placid, biddable toddler. If I'd only had her, I would probably be one of the smuggos posting on here saying 'You just need to say no'.
Children are different. Some 2.5 year olds will listen.Some won't.

EurusHolmesViolin · 28/02/2017 13:56

Nah, it's still ignorance and arrogance. It couldn't possibly be anything else, because you're so manifestly wrong- if you're not, how do you explain the poster with twins? Do you, like, actually think she was parenting them differently enough to cause the distinction in behaviour and attitude? And thinking you're better qualified to comment on Mrs K's kids than paeds etc who've met them and assessed them, because 'nothing is impossible', that could only happen if you grossly overestimate your own knowledge.

No, I'm afraid the answer here is that you have taken limited experience, combined it with relative ignorance, universalised it and made yourself look stupid.

Gottagetmoving · 28/02/2017 14:12

if you're not, how do you explain the poster with twins? Do you, like, actually think she was parenting them differently enough to cause the distinction in behaviour and attitude?

No. She was parenting them the same. Two different kids but the same methods..What she does works for one but not the other. That is why it did not work for both.
Like others have said - Children are DIFFERENT. You don't carry on the same for both, you look at how to change what you are doing for the individual child.
I have no idea about you but there is no small child more strong willed than I am. It is parents that differ more than children.
Strong willed child with a parent who is not, then the child will be a nightmare.
Strong willed child with a parent who is also strong willed and prepared to change what they do to resolve it - then the child will learn and be happier for it.
I don't overestimate my knowledge. I base it on actual experience with children whose parents claim they are a nightmare,..when in fact they are not.
It is not arrogance and most definitely not ignorance. Looking stupid in your eyes is not really a concern.

EurusHolmesViolin · 28/02/2017 14:22

Trust me, it isn't just my eyes you're looking arrogant and stupid in.

You're armchair assessing people you've never met before, deluding yourself that you know better than clinicians who assessed them. That is a textbook example of overestimating your knowledge. If this isn't the case, then are you saying that the people who told mrskoala about how some children just aren't ready for certain things at certain times are wrong, and you're right? Do tell us.

Gottagetmoving · 28/02/2017 14:29

I am speaking from experience of children on a day to day basis.
I have no idea what the people told the other poster. We only have a small amount of information given.
Children are ready to be guided from being tiny. It is a step by step process.
Ready or not does not mean they cannot be prevented from doing things.
It can be managed.
Amazing you know how others think too.

mikeyssister · 28/02/2017 16:01

DD is 13 and we still have to tell her "No, you can't have/touch it" and she still forgets and picks things up or asks can she have them. It's not boldness, it just doesn't connect.

MrsKoala · 28/02/2017 16:02

Of course they can be prevented from doing things. But sometimes the only way is to physically move them or remove the thing. What I am saying is some are not capable at that age of learning not to do it, regardless of how many times told not to or what incentives are offered.

For the record I'm pretty strong willed too (a friend recently described me as like god back when he was up to the job!). When I was pregnant with ds1 dh said to friends he hoped he got my strength of will. Hmm looks like that bit us on the arse.

Gottagetmoving · 28/02/2017 16:17

But sometimes the only way is to physically move them or remove the thing
Of course! That is the way they learn. Some take longer than others obviously. Consistency is vital ( although a pain in the arse)

MrsKoala · 28/02/2017 16:39

My point was to the 'tell them no and they'll quickly learn' suggestions. Ime mine haven't quickly learnt at all. DS1 is 4.5 and still would do it. Despite consistency since 9mo. So when people say as a matter of fact, 2.5 is plenty old enough for all dc to learn (quickly) not to touch, then i say bollox is it.

toomuchtooold · 28/02/2017 16:46

^Strong willed child with a parent who is not, then the child will be a nightmare.
Strong willed child with a parent who is also strong willed and prepared to change what they do to resolve it - then the child will learn and be happier for it.^

Strong willed child with a parent who is strong enough to protect you from other people's bullshit judgement and apply boundaries to your behaviour only when you're developmentally ready for it - then the child turns into a confident, happy and well-adjusted 5 year old.

minipie · 28/02/2017 17:09

Strong willed child with a parent who is not, then the child will be a nightmare.
Strong willed child with a parent who is also strong willed and prepared to change what they do to resolve it - then the child will learn and be happier for it.

No. I am strong willed, very consistent, very clear on boundaries. Doesn't matter. DD still does things she is not supposed to. Because she has poor impulse control. On a good day, she knows what she's supposed to do and does it. On a bad day (usually when tired) she may know in theory but that is outweighed by her immediate desires. She has got better at controlling her impulses as she's got older but definitely not there yet (age 4).

EurusHolmesViolin · 01/03/2017 09:33

It's not amazing that I know how you think when all it took was for me to read your increasingly foolish posts gottagetmoving. That's just, you know, literacy. The fact is, you're wrong. This will be obvious to anyone reading the thread who isn't as pig headed as you are. I've had some behind the scenes contributions, shall we say, that have confirmed that.

I'm also quite interested to hear how you assess, when it's taken a long time for a child to learn this, whether it's your 'techniques' or just the child maturing regardless? You talk about some taking longer than others to learn, but removing them being the only way they learn. How exactly do you work out whether this had anything to do with what you did?

Gottagetmoving · 01/03/2017 10:58

It's not amazing that I know how you think when all it took was for me to read your increasingly foolish posts
You have no idea at all how I think. You thinking my posts are foolish is irrelevant.

The fact is, you're wrong. This will be obvious to anyone reading the thread who isn't as pig headed as you are. I've had some behind the scenes contributions, shall we say, that have confirmed that
I am wrong in your eyes and opinion. That doesn't confirm what I say is wrong. You assume anyone who doesn't agree with you is pig headed? How ironic! We all have 'behind the scenes contributions' but we must assume yours are more reliable?

I don't think I have said removing them is the only way they learn. When they are tiny you have to remove them, especially if they are trying to grab something or to prevent damage to someone's things.
I can only report my experience. You don't have to agree or get so annoyed.
There is no point in continuing arguing about it really. We disagree and that's fine.

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