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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by the work clique

114 replies

Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 18:59

I suppose I'm old enough to know that iabu but just wondered what others take on this situation was and how would handle it going forward.
I'm a part of a small department at work, 12 of us in total including my boss.
I was under the impression that we all got on well and we've had a couple of work 'dos' Christmas for example and a cinema trip etc
Today I find out that 7/8 members have their own clique going on. They've got a whatsapp group and regularly meet for coffee or afternoon tea.
I'm upset as I felt that I was a part of the team, I've spoken to people about things going on in my life and offered advice when asked to others but feel really excluded. It's like when I was at school and not being a part of the popular girls!
Seeing this written down it sounds petty doesn't it? But I'm actually quite upset by this.

OP posts:
KellyElly · 24/02/2017 18:59

Are they a different age than you? Different life situation?

Original poster
Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 19:03

No we are all mixed ages from 45 to 25.
Most of us have children. All women.

OP posts:
Hassled · 24/02/2017 19:03

No it's not petty at all and of course you're upset. That sucks. Is it possible that they just haven't thought to include you or do you think it's deliberate exclusion? What do they have in common that you don't - age/age of kids/time they've worked there? There's bound to be something. But all you can really do is smile and wave - you clearly like them, so carry on as you did. This doesn't have to change anything.

KellyElly · 24/02/2017 19:05

Are any of them more party animals or have a hobby/interest in common. If not, it does seem strange. I could imagine a smaller group, say three/four being closer, but eight out of 12 seems a bit exclusive.

CoraPirbright · 24/02/2017 19:07

FFS this isn't the playground or some social club or something, its work!! Something similar happened to dh and he threatened going to HR if it didn't stop. You don't want work stuff being formulated or discussed without your input. I would rattle your sabre at these horrid women.

MrsandMrsSmith · 24/02/2017 19:08

Have they been there longer than you? I've had that experience and it can be difficult to join in an established group.

ElsieMc · 24/02/2017 19:19

To be honest with you, it is best you are not too involved in this clique. You sound a decent colleague and you have clearly not done anything wrong - it is primary school behaviour and exclusion which is unkind at best. These sort of cliques never end happily and I have seen serious fallings out between colleagues which has poisoned the atmosphere in the office.

As people dropped from a clique where I worked, I was asked if I wanted to go to lunch with those remaining. I politely declined. I did not want to take sides with people who had had no time for me previously and suddenly needed my support.

Original poster
Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 19:20

Thank you for your replies. It's much appreciated!
I have actually been there as long as 3 of the others since the department was formed.
My children are similar ages as the others. My boss isn't a part of this 'clique' she's lovely but this type of work stuff just wouldn't interest her! The others that I don't think are a part of the group are one lady whose home life takes up a lot of her time and she didn't often attend out of work events. And another lady I'm not sure about but don't think she's included. She's fairly new to the team.
I do like these people as a pp said.

OP posts:
EngTech · 24/02/2017 19:20

What ElsieMc said

gottachangethename1 · 24/02/2017 19:24

I had something similar a few weeks ago. I too felt hurt, but then decided I wouldn't let it get to me. However, I'm not as helpful as I used to be (answering their phone in their absence, helping out with tasks when they were in late, etc) not good enough to invite out, then I'm not good enough to cover for you all.

LyndaLaHughes · 24/02/2017 19:25

How did you find this out?

SuperFlyHigh · 24/02/2017 19:33

You must know if they regularly meet for coffee and tea. Maybe if they do and you're not there/not invited they presume you're not interested? Clutching at straws a bit.

You could come out and ask the friendliest of the group if it's ok to be included on the outings if you want to be included?

I've been in a clique (but rather spread over 3 floors) and it wouldn't have occurred to us to ask people to "our" gatherings, not for being nasty or anything but we didn't miss out people in our teams (but we didn't have one team). It was never "mean girl" stuff though.

booellesmum · 24/02/2017 19:33

YANBU.
I had this a while ago.
Found out a few people from work were going to see a show and it had not been mentioned to me. I cried. Took a deep breath though and carried on at work as normal.

ludothedog · 24/02/2017 19:34

That's mean and I would be upset too.

ToastDemon · 24/02/2017 19:36

I actually think it can be better to be a step removed from that sort of thing, as long as there is no actual unpleasantness which it doesn't sound like their is.
Cliques sometimes have fall-outs and other such nonsense and you get to remain professional and detached.

CarrieMyBag · 24/02/2017 19:38

Are you pretty or more successful than they are? I find some women at work place can be rather petty and passive aggressive.

RubyWinterstorm · 24/02/2017 19:41

But whatsapp sucks in that only the group admin can add another person

Some people are crap with that sort of thing

I have a whatsapp group with 6 friends, two friends are left out (by accident) but were never added despite various requests, as the person who set up the group doesnot know hiw to go about adding new people.

These things happen

allybally73 · 24/02/2017 19:47

ruby i Imagine it's the covertness of the whatsapp clique and subsequent meetups that's upsetting. If the colleagues had mentioned to the op 'hey chocolate we have what app group but no one knows how to add you to it, but we're going out for a coffee after work - do you wanna come. She wouldn't be upset.
Work cliques are horrid and can take you back to the playground, regardless of how old you are.

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 19:50

TBH, whilst I can see that it is hurtful to find out that this clique exists, I agree with those who say such a clique in a work situation is best kept out of, as it is unlikely to end happily. Someone or another is going to decide at some point that one of the existing clique is a pain and will try to find ways of squeezing them out, or forgetting to include them in things, until said "pain" subsequently finds there is more than one WhatsApp group.... Best to remain friendly in a more professional way - they are work colleagues, after all.

FakenewName · 24/02/2017 19:52

is it really a clique though, or just a friendship group? The word clique just makes it sound bad

In life there are always people you get on with better than others it wouldn't even occur to me to be upset about this to be honest, I hope you are OK

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 19:53

And I wouldn't want to be close buddies with women who are so self-absorbed that they never think to question why their little clique excludes some of their work colleagues. They are all blameworthy in that, or exceptionally weak.

RubyWinterstorm · 24/02/2017 19:56

Thinking about this, I have never been keen on socialising all that much with work colleagues. Coffee with colleagues? I'd rather be home.

That's why they call me aloof. I like aloof.

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 20:01

RubyWinterstorm - is it beyond your own ability to set up a WhatsApp group which includes the two missing friends, rather than relying on a dimwitted administrator?

MadMags · 24/02/2017 20:06

Something similar happened to dh and he threatened going to HR if it didn't stop

Sorry but this is insane!

People are allowed to have friends!

arethereanyleftatall · 24/02/2017 20:07

I agree with fake. They're just friends. Calling a group of friends a clique just turns it negative.