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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by the work clique

114 replies

Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 18:59

I suppose I'm old enough to know that iabu but just wondered what others take on this situation was and how would handle it going forward.
I'm a part of a small department at work, 12 of us in total including my boss.
I was under the impression that we all got on well and we've had a couple of work 'dos' Christmas for example and a cinema trip etc
Today I find out that 7/8 members have their own clique going on. They've got a whatsapp group and regularly meet for coffee or afternoon tea.
I'm upset as I felt that I was a part of the team, I've spoken to people about things going on in my life and offered advice when asked to others but feel really excluded. It's like when I was at school and not being a part of the popular girls!
Seeing this written down it sounds petty doesn't it? But I'm actually quite upset by this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 20:07

One of the women let it slip today that there was a whatsapp group.
Then another colleague let it slip that they were all meeting for a coffee at costa next Thursday.

I do agree that I'm probably best out of it and that they are work colleagues and not real friends.
Still hurts though.

OP posts:

BeyondThePage · 24/02/2017 20:07

That's why they call me aloof. I like aloof

me too - work is work, I don't mix in out of work time with work colleagues. And would certainly not share with them on social media. Maybe would if they have become close personal friends, but that takes a lot.

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 20:11

Eight work colleagues out of twelve being special friends and all meeting together in that eightsome for coffee and afternoon teas sounds rather cliquey to me. A group so big and yet so obviously "exclusive" at the same time is just weird.

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 20:14

Still, as I say, when it comes to work colleagues, I think some professional distance is sensible! Stick with the official work events and don't get sucked into potential moaning about the boss or other absent colleagues meetings.

CotswoldStrife · 24/02/2017 20:14

I wouldn't call that a clique, it sounds more of a friendship group. Do they meet outside work hours?

I used to work in a (larger) office where we all got on and went out together, but also went out in smaller groups from time to time. There are always people you'll get on with better than others.

OP, you say things are fine at work which is good - they are not shutting you out at the office. How did you find out about this group then?

Original poster

Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 20:14

I felt we were all friends but by excluding me and a couple of others they have formed a clique.
I don't mean this to sound negative but it is good definition of what has happened.

OP posts:

ludothedog · 24/02/2017 20:16

Not a friendship group but a clique. Why else would they have a "secret" whatsapp group. Nice people would say to the whole team to go for coffee on Thursday and not exclude a small number of a team.

Agree that you are better off out of it even if it does hurt to be excluded

TimTamTerrier · 24/02/2017 20:16

I think people can do whatever the hell they want outside of work time. It sounds as though they are behaving appropriately within work and they're not using these meet-ups to plot against you or plan work projects without your knowledge (I assume).

When I worked I got along fairly well with most people, but I was friendly with a few and if I had been told that I wasn't allowed to meet up with my friends outside of work without meeting up with everyone I would have told work that my private life was none of their business.

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 20:21

There is a difference between getting on with a few people and getting on with most of them, but not a minority!

DildoGaggins · 24/02/2017 20:24

I agree with fakenewname, just seems like a friendship group not some nasty clique. Some people get along together better than others. I'm friendly & try to chat to everyone at work but there are a handful of colleagues that I actually see as friends and regularly socialise with them every couple of weeks. As long as it's not negatively affecting your job performance then why does them socialising without you matter?

IamFriedSpam · 24/02/2017 20:26

It's not petty to be upset by this. I could understand a few meeting up if they happened to be close but with such a big group excluding only 3 or 4 people from the team is a bit mean and cliquey. There are only 14 kids in my DD's class, I'm better friends with some of the mums than others and sometimes 3/4 of us might meet up but I wouldn't organise a meet up with 10 of them only leaving out 4 that's just excluding people for the sake of it.

TimTamTerrier · 24/02/2017 20:28

Is there such a thing as a 'secret' Whatsapp group? That's not how it works IME. Calling it 'secret' makes it sound sneaky, as though they are trying to hide it, but that would be the same as saying any conversation that isn't recorded and made available to the public is 'secret'.

Witchend · 24/02/2017 20:28

Is it necessarily a deliberate inclusion. 3-4 people start a WhatsApp Group. A couple more discover it and ask to be added, so they add them. Someone adds a couple more. Not deliberately excluding.

Have you asked if you could be added? They might be totally happy to add you.

As an aside: I thought anyone in the group could add people on WhatsApp? If the administrator leaves the group would that then mean no one else could be added?

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 20:29

DildoGaggins - clearly it matters to the OP because it has made her question why she is apparently less likeable than the majority of her colleagues. And because she would rather like to go to coffee and afternoon tea with them. And because they have now made her aware in the workplace that they don't enjoy her company as much as she thought.

pringlecat · 24/02/2017 20:29

Thing is, there's a difference between having a good working relationship with someone and being friends with someone. I would happily exchange personal details with some nice colleagues as we get on quite well in a work environment, but I wouldn't consider them friends. The people I consider friends are the ones I would see in my spare time (e.g. at the weekend). Outwardedly I get on just as well with them all, but there are some people who I have more in common with.

IamFriedSpam · 24/02/2017 20:29

Yes you are right that it's a clique and you're better off out. It would be fine if there were 3 or 4 of them meeting up but why exclude a minority of the team?

Livelovebehappy · 24/02/2017 20:37

Sounds like everything is okay at work though. You say yourself that you all get on. It wouldn't bother me TBH, as I really like my work colleagues and occasionally go out with them outside of the offices but I also know that some of them have their own whatsapp groups, and occasional smaller group meet ups, but it really doesn't bother me in the slightest. I have good friends outside work, and family. Work is work; you don't have to be best buddies with people you work with.

sailorcherries · 24/02/2017 20:38

I can't believe people are putting limits on the amount of friends in a group before it turns in to a clique.
My work has 8 women, 5 of which regularly meet up. I am not one of them but I'd never say they are a clique, they are friends.

CatchTheRainbow · 24/02/2017 20:45

Something similar happened to dh and he threatened going to HR if it didn't stop

Sorry but this is insane!

People are allowed to have friends!

I agree that's insane.

I mean maybe if you were the only person segregate and they were hostile toward you in the workplace as well.

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2017 20:46

Can't believe people are putting limits on numbers of people? So you wouldn't think it odd if 24 people in an office of 25 regularly met up for drinks, but didn't ever tell person number 25 about it?

SallyGinnamon · 24/02/2017 20:47

Agree with Madmags. There are always some people we get on with more than others.

Some people you work with might become friends, but just working together doesn't automatically make you friends too.

Just like on the school run on another thread; or when we were at school ourselves. We had our own groups of friends within classes.

TeethDrama · 24/02/2017 20:47

I hear you! Once I worked with a group of 10 women. We all got on well and there were one or two close friendships within the group, but nothing collectively. As far as I knew. Then one day the team leader announced she had organised a lunch for the team - no special occasion - except I was to stay behind to man the phones. So I was the only one not invited. I was the newest member of the team, but I'd still worked there around 10 months and got on well. It had obviously been discussed and organised well before and nobody had mentioned anything which means she must have asked them not to tell me, or said it was tough and that she'd get me to stay behind. I just felt like all the previous friendliness had been false. It wasn't nice.

IamFriedSpam · 24/02/2017 20:49

Bordersarethebest

Yes but the issue is just excluding a few people - if most people are invited why not just add the last few on too? We have friendship groups at work and on school run but if most people are invited you just invite everyone (unless you active dislike the minority who aren't invited).

whatsthepointofmorgan · 24/02/2017 20:50

are they a different age than you? Different life situation?

So bloody what?
Even if the OP was a different age.
How narrow minded do you have to be to exclude another work colleague, because they don't fall into your 'young' age bracket?

whatsthepointofmorgan · 24/02/2017 20:52

Very often, the younger members band together and exclude the older ones.
It sucks.

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