Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be upset by the work clique

114 replies

Chocolatecake12 · 24/02/2017 18:59

I suppose I'm old enough to know that iabu but just wondered what others take on this situation was and how would handle it going forward.
I'm a part of a small department at work, 12 of us in total including my boss.
I was under the impression that we all got on well and we've had a couple of work 'dos' Christmas for example and a cinema trip etc
Today I find out that 7/8 members have their own clique going on. They've got a whatsapp group and regularly meet for coffee or afternoon tea.
I'm upset as I felt that I was a part of the team, I've spoken to people about things going on in my life and offered advice when asked to others but feel really excluded. It's like when I was at school and not being a part of the popular girls!
Seeing this written down it sounds petty doesn't it? But I'm actually quite upset by this.

OP posts:

LucklessMonster · 25/02/2017 12:47

There was a clique in my last work place. It was annoying because they gossiped about colleagues, and anyone they worked closely with was made miserable by being excluded.

I was in a different team so it didn't affect me, but I can understand how it would.

On the other hand, it sounds like these women are just friends? They're not causing problems in the workplace?

I don't think YABU to be upset, but I don't think they are BU to have this friendship group. If it affects work then that's a different matter.

Oblomov17 · 25/02/2017 12:50

I have an issue with this. Apparently a friendship group is ok, but a clique is not. What's the difference?
If you have a team of 10, but one person finds they get on better with 6 of them, more so than the others, so invites them into a group, how can that be wrong?

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 25/02/2017 13:01

I think its a friendship group when you're in it, and a clique if you feel like you have been left out!

I don't get it either. And would you want to be invited to join a group for something not because they wanted you, but because they felt they had to, or because you accused them of being a clique?

LucklessMonster · 25/02/2017 13:04

With a clique, the focus is on keeping others excluded.
With a friendship group, that's not the case.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 25/02/2017 13:06

Except you don't know from the outside that anyones focus is on keeping others excluded. All you know is that you feel excluded, which is not at all the same thing.

roundaboutthetown · 25/02/2017 13:55

The problem only arose because the meetings and friendship group were brought to the attention of the OP at work by members of the group and the OP didn't know how to interpret it. She does now know, though, that at some point, somehow, a large group of her colleagues decided they liked each other in ways they did not like her and intimacies she thought she was sharing with people she considered friends were just normal workplace chat, because she is considered just a work colleague, not a friend. I guess therefore she is hurt because she would like to be closer friends with these people, but feels she has now missed the boat because she missed the signals at the appropriate time and is not one of the confident leader-types who establish friendship groups in the first place.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 25/02/2017 13:59

at some point, somehow, a large group of her colleagues decided they liked each other in ways they did not like her and intimacies she thought she was sharing with people she considered friends were just normal workplace chat, because she is considered just a work colleague, not a friend

And that is difficult for her, but it does not mean that the other people have done anything wrong. We are all allowed to choose who we want to be friends with, we are free to not like some people as much as others, and we can be friendly with some work colleagues while being real friends with other work colleagues. That is how the world works.

roundaboutthetown · 25/02/2017 14:27

And who are you attempting to lecture there, TheOnlyLivingBoy? Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with the behaviour because I don't believe what I view as a "real" friendship of eight is established by meeting up with all of them at a time for coffee, so would not be interested, anyway. I have only ever observed groups like that to fall apart or split into smaller groups one way or another eventually and would not want to take the risk of friendship fallouts and misunderstandings in the workplace, so would be more than happy with just the usual team gatherings.
The OP is lucky that she works in an environment where everyone seems pretty open and friendly and it is a shame that she has had that feeling shaken by this. I'm sure she'll get over it if there is genuinely no cliquey element to this. The boss not being part of it is a good sign, as she likely sets the tone for the actual workplace!

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/02/2017 14:41

OP, I can see that this has hurt you, but you cannot make your colleagues be your RL friends and it would be unreasonable of you to think they have to include you in what they do outside of office hours.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 25/02/2017 14:44

I'm not lecturing anyone, I'm making a point, same as anyone else/

greenworm · 25/02/2017 14:51

I think it's wrong, to be honest. It's not nice to leave someone out who wants to be friends with you in normal circumstances, but it adds another dimension when it's happening with people from work.

I've always worked in places where I've become friendly with colleagues. I think it's fine to do things with colleagues without inviting everyone, but once you get to the stage where a majority of the team are doing something together, I feel the invitation should be extended to the whole team. Of course there are exceptions, but I feel that is the general rule as I see it.

atheistmantis · 25/02/2017 14:53

It's just one of those things, groups form and sometimes you are a part of it and sometimes not. Just do things with your own friends and try to ignore it, it's probably nothing personal.

Honeybee79 · 25/02/2017 14:55

It hurts to feel excluded. I once worked somewhere where I felt v alone. I was new and tried hard but not so as to be annoying. Every day I went for a walk alone in my lunch break and would see them out together, eg eating lunch in local pizza place. In the end I shrugged my shoulders and accepted I would just have to get on with it. Just ignore it OP. As long as they are pleasant to you and easy to work with, who cares?

Mermaidinthesea · 25/02/2017 14:56

It's the same everywhere I have worked, I couldn't care less. I don't want to be part of anyone's clique as I find being in one holds you back with regards to promotions and moving forward. It's difficult going for something if those people hold you back or threaten to withdraw friendship if you don't do what they want.
Being friendly but fairly singular has given me a lot of promotions and benefits at work which have gone down very badly with the old clique but I don't give a monkeys what they think, my real friends are outside of work and my bank account approves.

roundaboutthetown · 25/02/2017 15:03

OK, TheOnly - felt I needed to check as you quoted me before you commented, which made it feel very much like you were talking directly to me!

BilboBagg1 · 25/02/2017 15:17

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable to be upset. Anyone can be upset if they want. These people in your work are more than just colleagues. They're friends who like to see each other on a social basis as well. I work in an office of about 15. Best team of people but I wouldn't say I'd want to meet all 14 of them for a coffee outside of work...

JessieMcJessie · 25/02/2017 15:18

Are they going for these coffees and afternoon teas during work time? Or do you work shifts or something whereby afternoons are available for afternoon tea? To be honest they sound like gossipy slackers and it speaks volumes that the boss is not in the group. Thank your luck that you are not being distracted by them and focus instead on your great friends and family outside work and excelling at your job and being recognised for that by your boss, who clearly has no time for such nonsense.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/02/2017 15:25

Jessie, what makes them sound like gossipy slackers?

MsGameandWatch · 25/02/2017 15:30

I'd probably be a bit hurt too but seriously you can't expect to muscle in on established friendship groups. Clearly the dynamic works for them and maybe they don't want to change it? Maybe one person vetoed you being in there, so it might not be all of them leaving you out. You just can't know but I would certainly make myself less available to help them out or to socialise with.

Hannahbanana1725 · 25/02/2017 15:35

I agree with some others - it's better to stay out of it.
I've recently joined a new work sector lets say, with my best friend being one I'm working with. However they've all been working together for 2 years and have a whatsapp group for them as well. They openly discuss this in front of me and not one has anyone ever offered to include me in it. It does make me feel left out, but from what they say, all they do is bitch about other people and have arguments on there anyway, which I'd much rather stay out of 😊

areyoubeingserviced · 25/02/2017 15:39

It's better not to be part of a clique. In fact, I do my utmost to avoid cliques at work.
As others have said, it's better to remain calm and professional.

findingmyfeet12 · 25/02/2017 15:39

For people who claim to have experienced cliques in every job they have had, it makes me question their judgment.

It is possible for a large group to get on well and have shared interests. I was involved in such a group in my last job. I happened to find a group of like minded people and we socialised together. We didn't invite everyone along. Why should we? This was on our own time and we were free to choose who to socialise with.

It may well have hurt other colleagues but we weren't preventing them from socialising together.

JessieMcJessie · 25/02/2017 16:03

Dione of course I know nothing about the OP's work setup but my thoughts were as follows:

Using whatsapp to communicate suggests conversation topics they want to keep off work email, as most employers have no objection to teams using the work system to arrange social events, within reason. Could be gossip, could be loads of chatty picture sharing etc which probably takes up a fair bit of work time. Yes of course they could all be hyper-disciplined and only use it on breaks and after hours but unlikely.
Meeting for coffees and afternoon teas sounds like it stretches the idea of a work break to extremes and would also mean all 8 of them stopping work at the same time. If these meet ups all take place after hours or on weekends then not slacking of course.

NellysKnickers · 25/02/2017 16:19

I will give a story from the other side. Years ago I worked in an office with mostly women. Some of us younger ones used to go to a pub nearby for happy hour and on for an indian meal. One lady in the office who was a complete cowbag, always moaning about EVERYTHING complaimed to our boss as she didn't like Indian food and felt we were excluding her, so we suggested pizza, nope she didn't like pizza either.........she also didn't like bowling, the cinematodes or anything really. Our boss then said we had to stop our evening GSM out, we didn't, we just never mentioned them in the office. We never set out to excuse anyone, we were just a bunch of 18-30 year olds who got on well and enjoyed a night out. On the other hand, I'm regularly excluded from things at work as my predecessor didn't join in I do point out I've been there 4 years now!!

Original poster

Chocolatecake12 · 25/02/2017 16:37

Just read today's messages. Thank you so much for your view points.
We all work different hours but mon - sun 8-6 so there's opportunity to meet up when we are off shift together or evenings.
I guess for me it's been interesting to gain others experiences and opinions.
I think I'm going to just carry on as normal and try not to be hurt by the exclusion. I see no other option really!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread