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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 09:49

The OP said she had one visitor. The visitor wanted a hold and to change the baby's clothes. The OP said no. So it didn't happen.

I don'5 think anyone has said that she was wrong to say no in the circumstances she has outlines, have they?

StrawberryShortcake32 · 26/02/2017 09:57

So people referring to the OP as 'precious' and insisting the baby is in fact 'a toy' doesn't cover that?

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 10:07

"So people referring to the OP as 'precious' and insisting the baby is in fact 'a toy' doesn't cover that?"

I don'5 think they have- the thread haas been overwhelmingly on the OP's side about the holding and changing. There has been a bit of aghasness at the "no visitors for X weeks" brigade.....

Champagneformyrealfriends · 26/02/2017 10:08

Ooh I got this. Mil saying to people "Do you want a go?" Angry

pictish · 26/02/2017 10:15

Yep, certainly from my pov my posts are mostly aimed at people replying on this thread rather than the OP herself. I wouldn't let anyone wake my baby up to put an outfit they wanted to see on them, but neither would I be the slightest bit perturbed at a text saying baby owed a cuddle. It's just an expression ffs...just a simple, well-intentioned figure of speech.

It takes a self-important person indeed to take offence at family or friends wanting to meet a newborn baby and have a cuddle to say hello.

WayfaringStranger · 26/02/2017 10:27

Strawberry this is a long thread and lots of us weren't responding directly to the OP's exact circumstances but the subsequent bonkerness from other posters.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 10:34

But if the baby was awake and happy, I can't see a problem with putting an outfit on her for a photo, either..........

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 26/02/2017 10:52

What they do notice is lots of different faces, voices, smells of all these people passing them around. That in itself is alot of stimulation for a newborn baby and they will easily get overtired and unsettled in no time

They really don't and it really doesn't.

jojo2916 · 26/02/2017 10:57

It takes a self-important person indeed to take offence at family or friends wanting to meet a newborn baby and have a cuddle to say hello.

This ^

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 10:58

U2 I explained my particular reasons for not having visitors for 2 weeks after baby 3 was born! I had a specific reason as I posted maybe you didn't understand or read it properly.

As a mum and mil/gran I think it's utterly selfish and utterly rude to turn up unannounced to visit a new baby and hang around expecting tea and a 'go' at the baby.

As I posted upthread when my darling dil had her baby excited as were obviously were our first priority was to support the new little family unit by helping with the cooking and cleaning if asked and fending off our side of the family until the new parents were ready for visitors.

Having a 'baby moon' is woundeful and allows baby and parents/siblings to bond, heal, relax without having up put up with random relatives and friends guzzling tea and gawping at your boobs.

I wouldn't dream of visiting a new baby unless invited.

belgina · 26/02/2017 10:59

Another who has had 4, but who would have felt exactly like the OP. I am also a midwife and my experience is that most babies actually don't like getting passed around and that most (not all) new mothers don't like being separated and seeing their babies being passed around. They often allow it to appease family though.
I have yet to meet a newborn that doesn't cry during clothing changes. They all hate it.

Midwives and HV will actually advise to not pass babies around and stick with mum & dad holding for bonding purposes.
For me personally living faraway from family was a kind of a blessing in this respect. By the time we finally got to see family our extended family our babies were 6-8 weeks and far more resilient to being held by others. I was also lucky to mainly have family that passed the babies straight back to me when they got unsettled.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 11:00

It takes a self important person indeed to feel their rights to visit a new baby Trump the rights of a new mum to have a few days rest and peace after giving birth.

So so selfish

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 11:02

And as a nurse we always advised just mum and dad to hold the baby while in hospital.

My friends mil had a very heavy cold and still visited her new born. Unbelievable

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 11:08

When I had DD2 at least one person - my childminder's teenage daughter - came round specifically because everyone else had had a cuddle and it was her turn...

...so I scooped out a sleeping DD2 and handed her over. It was v slightly inconvenient. No biggie.

Agree with Bert that new babies are adorably cuddly. I do restrain the urge to wrest totally strange ones out of their slings but it's a struggle Grin

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 11:23

It's a shame your childminder wasn't teaching her dd that babies arnt toys and that it's good manners to wait for an invite before visiting.

Sorry I don't want to sound pompous but i do think we all need to wait until invited.

I know some mums clearly don't mind but others do and it's not precious or wierd to mind. It's as valid as not minding.

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 12:27

Actually I think babies are people and new members of communities and it's nice when other people want to come and say hello to them.

StrawberryShortcake32 · 26/02/2017 12:49

I suppose it depends on the baby too.
DS was fine being held by others for 5 mins here or there but he quickly got grumpy and wanted to come back to me or more accurately the boob for comfort and reassurance. I guess some babies must enjoy being held more or don't like it at all.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 13:15

And to shine a spotlight on the elephant in the room, it is almost always the woman's in laws she doesn't want holding/visiting the baby..............Grin

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 15:29

Maybe because her own DM would care about her daughters welfare and understand she needs suppport - and waking a bay is not the best way of doing that

Proseccoclock · 26/02/2017 17:01

Ugh. YANBU. They probably didn't realise what they were asking or that it was unreasonable to be fair, but still... My MiL announced she was going to come and take our baby away sometime soon when she was less than a week old. She said she'd done the same with my sister in law's baby even though she'd said no. I love my MiL and she meant well, but it was an awful thing to say to a new first time mum. She brought it up in front of her entire family to make light of it and we later had a big row about it. I won. All sorted now after a big talk, but really felt I had to draw a line in the sand.

Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 26/02/2017 17:19

A "babymoon" which is effectively a completelban on visitors for 2-3 weeks, or at least clear rules for visitors (e.g. Bring food, don't stay long and do a job in the house) work well in my experience.

All I can say is thank fuck I don't know anyone like you. This is absurd. "Rules" for seeing a baby? A complete ban on visitors? Christ on a bike.

It is all starting to get a bit out of hand. Especially when the 'ban' applies to Grandparents.
Imagine newly retired grandparents saying:
''We are not going to babysit for a couple of years - we want to bond with each other first, go on loads of holidays before doing babysitting duties.'' Grin

that would go down well.

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 17:23

When dogs have pups you are advised to look but not touch - mum wants to keep them safe - why do we thing humans are so different?

AngelaLondon1234 · 26/02/2017 17:26

My DF invited he's whole over when I my DD was five days old (he has 7 sisters/uncles/aunties etc) Bare on mind I had just a C section,blood transfusion, new mummy and sleep deprived. They messed my whole house up and he's mother undressed my daughter and gave my DD her first bath! (Never again) From that moment i learnt to speak to mind in situations like and i hope you can be the same because people will take the bloody piss!

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 17:28

Oh we're now back to the tired old argument of mils vs dms in the new baby visit war.......

I speak for myself, but wouldn't be surprised if others felt the same- emotions run very high when you have just had a baby. Leaving my terrible relationship with mil aside- I felt like I just wanted my mum after having my DD, and she was more interested in caring for me so I wanted her around more. Some mils feel put out by this and start throwing stupid demands out like 'im taking the baby/ feeding the baby/ dressing the baby' without asking, because they are the grandparent too and it all needs to be 'equal'.

Well I'm sorry but a brand new baby isn't something to be 'shared out' with grandparents getting a 'go' just because grandparent... The last thing I wanted was my baby being passed around, I wanted to be at home alone, I hated hospital and developed pnd, I needed time by myself.

Good on the babymooners, you don't get the first few days back and waiting a week isn't going to hurt.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 17:31

"When dogs have pups you are advised to look but not touch - mum wants to keep them safe - why do we thing humans are so different?"

Because we are humans not dogs and we therefore know that Aunty Mabel is not a cannibal. And we are unlikely to reject our babies because they smell a bit different.