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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:
sorenipples · 26/02/2017 19:36

Not in the context of the world, but in the context of a newborn "be all and end all" sounds like a fair description.

A little more empathy and I am sure less new mums will be dreading and stopping visits.

I wouldn't have a 3 week baby moon myself but I would respect the wishes of someone who did. And maybe have a little introspection as to why I would not been see as a help if I were close family. If it was just that parents wanted bonding time and would equally respect that.

At the end of the day grandparents have many years to bond, if not seeing the baby a day old will stop this, them , well it doesn't sound very healthy.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 19:42

Some new mums need to get over themselves.

In what way exactly?

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 19:50

Some new mums need to get over themselves

Would you say that to anyone else who's just left hospital?

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 20:00

Ok swop 'attention seeking and grabby' to needing understanding, quiet, support and love?

Every situation can be manipulated to suit anyone's view.

if being a queen bee is wanring support and understanding then so fucking what?

cath do you have sons? Please change

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 20:04

some new mums need to get over themselves

Wow horrible attitude. You should be ashamed

sonyaya · 26/02/2017 20:07

rugbyplayers

You can want support and understanding as a new mum while still recognising your new baby has a family beyond you and (within reason) being respectful of that instead is thinking it should all be about you. In fact one might they get more support from family whose extreme love and excitement for the new arrival is acknowledged.

I think it's a balance - clearly the new mum is in the more vulnerable position and she shouldn't be distressed and people shouldn't put upon her, but short pre-arranged visits and cuddles are sometimes, but only rarely, unreasonable requests from loved ones.

sonyaya · 26/02/2017 20:07

*instead of

LillyGrinter · 26/02/2017 20:22

Bloody babymoons. We were advised to stay at home with no visitors the first 2 weeks. My husband took it as a good advice and I ended up lonely and isolated. Newborns are cute but they're not riveting company. I wanted to see family and friends and have adult conversation. It's just another way of making mums feel guilty, saying that if you if you need to concentrate on bonding with your baby the first two weeks and people from your old life should be cut out. I adore my 6 year old now and have done since she was about 4 months but I wanted someone to take her off me as a newborn.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 20:30

lilly your dh is a twat then!

That's absolutkry not what I and others have advocated.

sony really it's boring now read my posts and the thread. Of course it's a fucking balance. Sad

cathf · 26/02/2017 20:31

Absolutely get this lilly - I was the same. I think if I was on a two-week lockdown with just my dh and a newborn for company, I would have gone stir crazy.
You need distractions from at best the mindless monotony and at worst, the endless screaming (ds1 I am looking at you!).
I think social media has a lot to answer for and I do worry for parents-to-be who seem to have an idealised view of how the first weeks with a newborn will be. Announcing a babymoon just piles on the pressure to keep up the appearance of perfection.
Coupled with the assumption perpetrated on boards such as this that giving birth makes you an expert on your baby and wife betide anyone with more experience offering advice, is a recipe for disaster.

cathf · 26/02/2017 20:32

Woe betide, not wife betide!

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 20:35

Announcing a babymoon just piles on the pressure to keep up the appearance of perfection.

See I agree with this 100% and think its a really important point. You never know how you will feel after having a baby, and a complete lockdown will not suit all new mums- what does worry me is mums to be thinking that locking down visitors after birth is going to be 'better' for them in some way.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 20:40

cath

You had 7 letter I s in your post? Maybe you should think about that?

It's not about how how you felt post baby for anyone else but you. You do wants best for you.

Other mums might actually feel differently hope that's ok with you?

cathf · 26/02/2017 20:42

Sorry rugby I was under the impression that the purpose of this board was to state one's opinion ie what I think?

sonyaya · 26/02/2017 20:43

rugby

My post to you was perfectly polite - "boring"? Uncalled for. Don't respond to posts if you're so bored, but you are continuing to respond on the topic so people will continue to respond to you.

I have read your posts - the full thread - and I have not got that "of course it's a fucking balance" it's a balance from your posts.

You have said

a new mums wishes trumps everyone else's and its not about you it's about the new mum

That's not a balance.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 20:45

Hope that wasn't mean as didn't set out to be but what suites one mum doesn't suit another and have posted that now 3 times.

sonyaya · 26/02/2017 20:53

Yes but I'm not talking about the difference between one mother's views as compared with another's. I'm saying it shouldn't be all about the mother's wishes, the mother's wishes must be balanced against the wider family's. In other words, while her wishes are important and people should be considerate, it shouldn't be all about her. She ought to be a bit flexible. I don't believe you have said that (In fact I think from your posts you disagree), but I'll shut up and stop being so boring Smile

Whatsername17 · 26/02/2017 20:53

We had immediate family over to meet our dd2 the day I came home home from the hospital. But, we then asked that they didn't call in every day. Everyone else we put off for two weeks. We spent the first couple of days with dd1, getting used to being a family of four. I spent much of it with my boobs out establishing breastfeeding. Dd2 fed for hours on end at times. Dh did the school run and in between we binge watched box sets of Modern Family, went on little walks and took turns napping. We saw the grandparents again the following weekend. But, in the week they stayed away at our request. I struggled with getting to grips with feeding, had the weepy day, slept on the sofa, had the horrible first post birth bowel movement, dealt with the afterpains. It was a relief to be able to do it all in my pj's (and top less when my boobs were agony) whilst dh made tea, food, did housework and fetched things we needed. Resting during the first week meant that I was feeling up to getting out and shout in the second week. It was so much nicer than with dd1 when I constantly gad people taking dd1 from me, insisting I go out, feeling like I had to carry on as normal. Breastfeeding failed but it was hardly a surprise. No one left us alone. I missed her 'hungry' cues because grandparents would give her vacs. When she cried after I'd tried to feed her mil told me to top her up so I did because I felt pressured. Bf failed, I suffered with pnd, dd1 developed colic, it was shit. Judge me all you want, keeping people at bay was the right decision.

MuseumOfCurry · 26/02/2017 20:56

I wonder if I'm missing the 'protective' gene - I was pretty bored during those first few weeks and always grateful for someone to hold my newborn while I just did anything but hold my newborn.

Particularly during the fractious gassy phase.

Now that I don't have a baby, I'm always delighted to hold one but I know from MN not to ask/offer.

Sallystyle · 26/02/2017 20:57

Having a 'baby moon' is woundeful and allows baby and parents/siblings to bond, heal, relax without having up put up with random relatives and friends guzzling tea and gawping at your boobs.

I wonder how I managed to bond with my 4th and 5th child when my older children had people in and out of the house all the time? And when I had to do the school runs etc. It's pretty odd that you need two weeks alone to bond with a baby.

I didn't have random relatives and friends guzzling tea and looking at my boobs. Again, how odd. I had people round who loved me and who would have helped with my other children if I wanted to feed and not sit there and stare at my chest.

Clearly you surround yourself with some strange people.

Because despite popular opinion to the contrary on here, new mums are not actually the be all and end fucking all of everything.

Exactly!

It takes a self important person indeed to feel their rights to visit a new baby Trump the rights of a new mum to have a few days rest and peace after giving birth.

Who said they wouldn't let someone have a few days rest and peace? Most people would understand that. But two weeks? I hope to fucking god my daughters and future DILs don't ban me for 2/3 weeks from visiting.

I know if I told my inlaws that they couldn't visit for 2/3 weeks my husband would have been gutted, or he would have taken the baby to theirs. It's cruel to ban a grandparent for weeks if they are decent and good people.

The world has gone fucking mad. And yes, it's always the poor inlaws who bear the brunt of these baby moons.

I never thought having a baby was all about me.. that baby is a grandchild, a niece/nephew, loved by other people and I think it's so sad that some don't want to share that love and joy around for however many weeks. They aren't just MINE.

I was also capable of going tup for a rest or having a bath and leaving the baby and my husband with the relatives if I wasn't feeling up to it. I wasn't scared of breaking the bonding process by leaving my baby for a bit like some people seem to be.

Yep, some people need to get over themselves.

MuseumOfCurry · 26/02/2017 20:58

And I agreed with what CaraAspen said about grandparents and childcare upthread a bit. If you treat the grandparents like interlopers during those first few weeks, don't be surprised if they feel a bit used when you call upon them later (which you will, of course - you'll be dying for some respite).

Whatsername17 · 26/02/2017 21:01

Grandparents wouldn't give her back^

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 21:02

U2 if they are decent and good people.

^This

Decent people don't arrive on mass, without arrangement, expect to to waited on and wake a baby -

That's the difference - and before you say it you don't get to chose family

Sallystyle · 26/02/2017 21:11

It reads on some posts here that mum regards baby as her new toy, and woe betide anyone else who wants to play with him or her.
Honestly, what happened to getting on with life? When did having a baby turn women into such possessive control freaks? Or is it the first time these,women feel they have some level of power over others - they have the one thing everyone wants.

Oh I'm sure it's about power in most cases.. excluding those who have awful relatives of course.

Especially the ones who ban the inlaws because they want a babymoon. I am sure they get enjoyment out of not letting them visit and if dh has anything to say about it they can accuse him of being unsupportive, so he can't really win.

Unless you have had a traumatic birth or you are suffering with PND surely you just get on with it? Instead of acting like a princess controlling who can come see your precious property baby.

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 21:19

My aforementioned lovely MIL was sledgehammered by how she felt about her new granddaughter. She was also born while MIL was going through a bereavement, and having a new generation in her life was vv important.

I found those first weeks terribly hard but finding the baby was part of a whole community was just lovely.