Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:
Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 26/02/2017 18:33

My midwife and hv also told me to discourage visitors in the early days.

Aah. This is where it's coming from.
I don't remember being told we should have a 'babymoon' Hmm

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 18:33

"Most new mums are more than happy to have quick visits from very close relatives like parents and inlaws..."

Well, not on here they're not- no visits for 2 weeks seems perfectly acceptable!

sympatico1 · 26/02/2017 18:36

Have to say I agree with cathf. I never felt possessive with either of my babies, was glad of the company of visitors, nice diversion from feeds and nappies. However, from memory (it was many years ago!) none of my visitors overstayed their welcome or got on my nerves. Being left on my own for weeks with a new baby (husband only had a week off work) would have been far more distressing to me than visits from family and friends. Just goes to show, we are all different.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 18:36

bertrand

Well...no, and we didn't say that so not sure where you got that from Hmm

Why would a dad have to accept that? Are you suggesting a new mum would intentionally keep a newborn from her inlaws but not her own family for no reason? Because that's a very odd scenario and I'm not sure what kind if dil you are expecting to get.

Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 26/02/2017 18:37

A decent dad will support his partner. Most new mums are more than happy to have quick visits from very close relatives like parents and inlaws but that's not really the same as cousins, friends great aunts etc descending on a new family unit and exhausting new mums and expecting endless tea and a baby hold.

the voice of reason.
Seriously.
I think Midwives and Health Visitors nowadays are 'advising' new mothers to keep visitors at bay for the first few weeks.
However, I think people are taking it too far. Grandparents shouldn't be included in this exclusion zone? Surely?
Neighbours, friends and randoms, yes.
Grand parents No.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 18:40

Loads of people are advocating babymoons and no visitors for 2 weeks.........

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 18:43

little you have made the mistake of assuming all grandparents get special rights because they are the grandparents- no they don't.

Sorry but did I give in to my aggressive, childish, overbearing bully of a mil when she called us crying the day I came home from hospital demanding that she allowed to 'start making memories' with her granddaughter? No I fucking didn't.

As usual- some mils from hell in the making on this thread.

sonyaya · 26/02/2017 18:45

I have to say, that while I think there's a fair bit of PFB on this thread, I have never asked to go and visit someone with a new baby, and have never asked to hold a new baby.

However, anyone I'm close to that has had a baby has always been thrilled that their family and friends (inc me) are excited about their new arrival and haven't tried to throw this back in our faces by banning us or getting upset if someone wants to cuddle then baby.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 18:47

Yes agree ollie for goodness sake people how can you argue with supporting a new mum in her wishes

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 18:50

I wait to see future dils from some posters Wink

They won't be from my dils. We are friends and friends respect each other

justsmellingthecoffee · 26/02/2017 18:58

I was completely irrational with DD1 - didn't want anyone but me and my DM to hold her. I did realise it at the time but it didn't stop me making it plain that unwelcome visitors should leave. PND was probably a big part of it, as well as new mum insecurity, but I still feel guilty about it. DD2 and 3 were shared with everyone Smile and I was so pleased when I went to see new DN2 recently for him to be shoved into my arms as I walked through the door, while mum looked after DN1. But I would always go by what the new Mum wants as, like me, she may have no control over her emotions. And second visitors doing jobs, bringing food, playing with siblings etc in return for a cuddle Grin.

sympatico1 · 26/02/2017 19:04

Although I couldn't abide my mother in law (neither could her own son!) I wouldn't dream of restricting her visits, in particular, the first visit, as they are so excited. You will all most probably become mother in laws yourself one day and I think you just have to imagine how you would feel when your child becomes a parent; you will be so wanting to get a glimpse of your new grandchild, waiting two weeks would, in my mind, be cruel.

pictish · 26/02/2017 19:04

Because despite popular opinion to the contrary on here, new mums are not actually the be all and end fucking all of everything.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 19:07

you will be so wanting to get a glimpse of your new grandchild

I would rather my dil or daughter be totally comfortable- believe me.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 19:08

new mums are not actually the be all and end fucking all of everything.

New grandparents aren't either.

cathf · 26/02/2017 19:08

Agree Pictish. Women have been having babies since time began obviously, but this princess syndrome seems to be a very new thing.

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 19:09

I FLUNG my first baby at all and sundry. Especially my lovely, besotted MIL who was over the moon with her new granddaughter. My pic of the two of them is on my wall and one of my favourite things.

WarblingWail · 26/02/2017 19:10

Bertrand I did have a horrible time constantly feeling weepy after having ds, breastfeeding was difficult and my stitches were fucking painful. I'm not perpetuating a stereotype - lots of women feel that way, and I certainly wasn't the only one in my NCT group. No PND, just a bit of baby blues.

It's anti-feminist to deny something lots of women do experience. Great if you were one of the lucky ones - I'm pleased if you feel you were stronger/better/more able than me post birth, but I was a mess, and it was made worse by the need to pretend I wasn't.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 19:16

but this princess syndrome seems to be a very new thing

No it isn't, and it isn't princess syndrome, plenty of civilisations past and present have a period of quiet rest before/ after a baby is born and a mother is left alone to bond with dad and new baby.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 19:24

Oh well fed up with this now.

Same old same old.

just to all those bitching about princess new mums and to those dying to visit and hold the hew baby. To all those who may totally destroy their relationships with future dils because they put their feelings and experiences first!

Stop think! listen to a new Mum be it your dd or your dil. Help support and don't monopolise. Don't allow your random relatives to monopolise.

Being your sons up to support their partners. Be kind.

That way builds a lovely family and you get your dils as friends.

Trust me listening to new mums and ignoring how you felt back in the day works as no one cares it's not about you. It's about the new mum.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 19:25

new mums arnt the bee all and end all of fucking everything

What a horrible horrible attitude.

cathf · 26/02/2017 19:26

But they are not Rugby, are they?

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 19:30

no one said they are cathf!!

cathf · 26/02/2017 19:31

Is that right Ollie? Staying in bed with close relatives looking after mum and baby, yes but mum being queen bee and gatekeeper I'm not so sure
All very attention grabby imo

cathf · 26/02/2017 19:33

Not in as many words but the implication is loud and clear in thus thread Ollie.
My baby, my rules has been stated over and over.
Some new mums need to get over themselves.