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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 17:32

"They messed my whole house up and he's mother undressed my daughter and gave my DD her first bath! (Never again) From that moment i learnt to speak to mind in situations like and i hope you can be the same because people will take the bloody piss!"

Yes, that is appalling behaviour.

cathf · 26/02/2017 17:35

It reads on some posts here that mum regards baby as her new toy, and woe betide anyone else who wants to play with him or her.
Honestly, what happened to getting on with life? When did having a baby turn women into such possessive control freaks? Or is it the first time these,women feel they have some level of power over others - they have the one thing everyone wants.
I don't get this at all

Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 26/02/2017 17:35

I felt like I just wanted my mum after having my DD, and she was more interested in caring for me so I wanted her around more. Some mils feel put out by this

Understandable to feel like this.

I was exactly the same - had my mother round more than my MIL.
But once I had sons it was at the back of my mind:
''how will I feel further down the road, when my sons get married, have babies and I'm the MIL?
How will it make me feel to be on the sidelines?
RThat's why, even though I preferred my Mother coming round, I made a conscious effort to keep my MIL involved as well.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 17:37

My midwife and hv also told me to discourage visitors in the early days.

I look back now dd is older and think maybe is was kind of unreasonable, you but you think differently when you have just had a baby, at least I did, and the more these threads come up- I'm not alone.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 26/02/2017 17:37

"When dogs have pups you are advised to look but not touch - mum wants to keep them safe - why do we thing humans are so different?"

We think humans are different to dogs because we are different to dogs.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 17:38

Nope sorry mil here and was perfectly happy to listem to my dils wishes and her comfort was our top priority.

where her own mother visited and stayed all day, criticised her for the c section and did absolutkry nothing to help at all.

Stick with my belief that a baby moon is lovely. We had them
With dc3 and 4 and the difference in us settling and bonding and just chilling was in stark contrast to dc1 and 2..

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 17:40

cath yes you don't get it and that's fine for you but can you not empathise and understand that other new mums feel differently and so people need to actually ac

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 17:41

How will it make me feel to be on the sidelines

I get that, I really do- but that's kind of my point- it doesn't matter how you feel. It's about a new mum with a newborn getting settled at home and feeling comfortable. I'm I'm ever a mil to a dil I will be following rugby to the letter and offering my help, treating her with respect and remembering how I felt in her position.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 17:44

Bugger act accordingly.

ollie exactly so that's my point it's different for every mum and it's not princess or mean to want a few days just you and baby/dad/siblings. Equally it's fine if you want the world and his wife holding your baby from day 1

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 17:46

Exactly, everyone is different and all families are different!

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 17:49

spot on. There's no right or wrong but to me a new mums wishes trumps everyone else's

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 17:51

"to me a new mums wishes trumps everyone else's"

What about the new dad?

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 18:00

A decent dad supports the mother of his baby!

That's how I brought my lads up and they are amazing dads and good men.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 18:00

What about the new dad?

New dads are important too, and it can be a big ordeal for them as well, I can understand how lots of new dads would want the support of their mothers after a new baby arrives. But I would think much of a new dad who kept insisting his mother/ family came around in the interest of fairness if the new mother was finding the visits stressful, as much as I dont really think its fair for a new mum to invite all and sundry if the dad doesn't want it. As new parents you have to be a team.

But with breastfeeding, those early days are bloody tiring for a mum especially with the night feeding. So I think a new dad should be really putting the needs of his partner/ child first.

The midwife suggested my husband act as a gate keeper to keep visitors from out staying a welcome.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 18:06

Xpost with rugby !

But yes if the new dad wanted loads of visitors and the new mum didnt- the new mum should get priority really.

WarblingWail · 26/02/2017 18:08

*What about the new dad?
*
Well, as the mum is the one with stitches and establishing breastfeeding and having all the crazy crying postpartum hormones, I think any half decent man should put his wife and therefore the needs of his baby first.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 18:09

Yes agree ollie

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 18:21

So a dad should accept that he can't show his new baby to his own family until the baby's mother says it's OK? However long that is?

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2017 18:25

I really don't like this presentation of women-even women who have just had babies- as irrational, incapable hormone driven divas. We've had too many years of society presenting women like that. Yes, of course some women are ill, or depressed or have physical issues post birth. But most don't.

Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 26/02/2017 18:28

"to me a new mums wishes trumps everyone else's"

What about the new dad?

The new dad's feelings don't count.
I'm sure someone will be along shortly to say:

''he didn't push a new human out his fanjo''

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 18:29

I really don't like this presentation of women

What woman who states what they want for themselves and their children? Standing up for themselves and actually saying NO?

No you can't dress my distressed baby - No I'm settleing her at the moment - yes you can put the kettle on - No I don't want all the family round at once ....

Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 26/02/2017 18:29

So a dad should accept that he can't show his new baby to his own family until the baby's mother says it's OK? However long that is?

Yes. It's very controlling.

Astro55 · 26/02/2017 18:31

So a dad should accept that he can't show his new baby to his own family

That depends on the behaviour of his family towards the DIL -

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 18:31

You make a relationship sound like a battle ground of top trumps.

A decent dad will support his partner. Most new mums are more than happy to have quick visits from very close relatives like parents and inlaws but that's not really the same as cousins, friends great aunts etc descending on a new family unit and exhausting new mums and expecting endless tea and a baby hold.

Commen sense is needed here.

my lads were brought up

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 18:33

Bugger!! Brought up to put their partners feelings first after giving birth and that's may be why we get on so well with our dils.

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