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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is my partner re my mum visiting?

110 replies

Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 21:45

I will try not to drip feed so here goes -

My partner and I have been together for many years, I am a SAHM to toddler twins and he works full time but is very hands on and fantastic with the twins when not at work.

My mum and I did not historically have a good relationship, she favoured my sibling and was quite cold. I did not feel close to her. This has impacted on how my partner views her, rightly so and meant that pre children we both happily agreed to see her 4x per year. However, after having the twins I felt differently and I know I have changed my mind.

We live a long long way away from any family and I have no friends who don't work / and or don't have children. So it is just me and the twins, which is fine, I take them out lots etc. However, I have no company or support all day Mon - Fri and it is lonely. I have in the last few weeks made a huge effort to meet a couple of other twins mums as I was beginning to struggle.

When I had the twins I feel my relationship with my mum changed. We are much closer, speak regularly and she adores the twins. I would like to see her more regularly as we have a lovely time when she visits, she is extremely helpful (cleans, tidies etc) and is support and help for me. We do lots of things that the girls and I enjoy and I want the girls to know their Grannie and for her not to be a stranger. She is desperate for a relationship with them and it is clear she adores them.

So, to my Aibu... I am so stressed out and upset that my partner makes such a massive fuss and drama about her visiting (it has been every other month) and I have just arranged a visit for a few days. He is very unhappy about this and says I am disregarding his feelings. Am I being unreasonable to want to see my mum every other month ish so the twins know who she is and because it is support / help / company for me and I enjoy her visits and that we are building a better relationship? Or should I respect that my partner finds her irritating and that we agreed pre babies to seeing her 4x a year? I always arrange visits on week days so it doesn't interfere with his time with the twins, i.e. Weekends and he is out all day. It is really causing me so much upset and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Help! Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 21/02/2017 21:48

YANBU to want to get a better relationship with your mum now but it is his home too and sounds like she is there every 8 weeks. Would you want your MIL to stay for days at a time every 8 weeks?

georgethecat · 21/02/2017 21:49

You should be in charge of your relationship with your mum not him.

Anyone worth their salt would respect your change in relationship with mum & support whatever you choose

Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 21:51

I could not have my MIL (or mum) over so often. If DH proposed this I can see a) my anxiety spiralling out of control b) our relationship seriously deteriorating

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 21:51

Hi, no I wouldn't mind mil visiting every other month. She isn't physically here every 8 weeks, for eg we saw her as we visited family for a special occasion so I count that as seeng her even though we didn't spend time with her, if that makes sense!

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 21/02/2017 21:53

Does she stay with you or just come for the day. IF the latter then he ibu. If she stays for a few days then I think he gets a say.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 21:54

Bluebell - but she is my mum and the twins are her grandchildren. Do most grandparents see their grandchildren less than 6 times a year? Maybe it's too much then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 21:54

It's a few nights. She lives nearly 6 hrs away.

OP posts:
allgoodthings84 · 21/02/2017 21:55

HarryPottersMagicWand OP says visits are usually weekdays when it doesn't interfere with her OH, I read it as it isn't usually a longer stay?

I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of me making an effort with my mum (or anyone else I wanted to be close to). You only have one life and no one lives forever. Take it from experience that you shouldn't take time with anyone for granted

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 21/02/2017 21:55

YANBU. I don't think it's right that your DH is trying to dictate the relationship that you have with your mum and I don't think it's right that he is essentially denying you help and support that he is not able to give. It sounds very controlling. It's all fine and well him not wanting her around, but it's not him who has to look after twins on his own all day every day. He should be pleased that you have someone around to lighten your load a little bit.

He should be supporting you. It's not his place to decide to cut your mum out. I don't think 6 times a year for visits is excessive. In fact, surely that's only an extra two visits on top of what he has previously agreed? You need to tell him that he has to get behind you on this I think.

luckylucky24 · 21/02/2017 21:56

Could you visit her occasionally? So she comes to you twice, then you to her once? It would reduce the visits to an average of every 12ish weeks rather than 8 for your husband?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 21/02/2017 21:56

If you have seen past the negative relationship you used to have and she is respectful of your marriage and the way you are bringing up your dc, then I think your dh should respect your decision to allow her to play a positive part in the dc lives. He is maybe trying to protect you all from disappointment if she returns to her previous attitude towards you.

allgoodthings84 · 21/02/2017 21:58

Ah I read that wrong then. It's a difficult one as if it's a few nights then OH should get a say but at the same times she's your mum and you want to see her. Does he see his family often?

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 21:59

Thank you. And just to clarify visits only ever on weekdays as partner works full time and I wouldn't want to encroach on his time with them / family time with them at weekends.

OP posts:
Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 21:59

OP yes she is your mum but not his. I only see mine twice a year, so my DS wont see her more than that.
She lives abroad. But I cant have MIL staying here often that is for sure.
So we have a compromise. I married DH, not his mum

Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 22:01

Wait OP, we are talking about different things then. I am talking about mum and MIL staying over for a few days. Are you saying your mum comes on weekdays for the day and leaves or does she stay over for a few days?
Because that is different

AllTheLight · 21/02/2017 22:02

How about if she stays during the week, not at weekends - then your partner wouldn't see her much? Would that be a compromise (or is that what already happens)?

I think every other month, so six times a year, for two or three nights each time, is not unreasonable. Any more than that would drive me slightly crazy (if it was my in laws)!

ilovesooty · 21/02/2017 22:03

Even if she visits during the week, surely she's in the house during the evening when she comes to stay?

xyzandabc · 21/02/2017 22:03

Could you and your twins go and stay with your mum every other visit? That way you get to see you mum, she gets to see the grandchildren but your DH doesn't have to see her quite so frequently.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:04

We do visit family as well. My mum is very respectful of my oh and is nothing but helpful / kind etc. My oh doesn't like her because she was not the greatest mum to me, so I do understand his negativity but she has sustained change now and I do enjoy seeing her and the delight she takes in the twins. My oh parents are a bit.... weird. They don't seem to want to see us like my mum. She is desperate to have a meaningful relationship with her grandchildren and would want to see them more.

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 21/02/2017 22:04

I think every other month for a few days is a lot....if you reversed the genders, no,one on here would be having it. That said he shouldn't be interfering with your relationship with your mum, he should be supportive.

Grenoble124 · 21/02/2017 22:05

YANBU. I live far away from family and friends. My mam has dementia and I would give anything to have what you have. I visit my patents with baby every month or so for a couple of nights as mam can't travel. It's a three hour drive.

Is that an option for you the odd time?

Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 22:05

OP nobody is saying your mum is not kind. That is not the point here.

toddlersdrivingmenuts · 21/02/2017 22:05

My twins have just turned two and I know exactly how hard it is and how lonely it can be.

I would take any help I could get!!!
I see my mum 2 times a week and mil once a week. I don't think I would have coped without the extra help.

Being a twin parent is often about surviving both mentally and physically - if you have help available, then definitely take it!

paddypants · 21/02/2017 22:05

YANBU

If you have a positive relationship now then of course he shouldnt object to the visits. She is your mum and your twins' granny.

Many mumsnetters however seem to believe that when you get married and have kids you should forget your own family in case it inconveniences your other half to spend time with them.

RandomMess · 21/02/2017 22:06

I wonder if your DH feels jealous/threatened with this now closer relationship you have with your Mum.. it may not be something he is conscious of but you have gone from being a tight close couple to one where there are now twins and his MIL demanding your love/time/attention - it's a big change...