Aibu or is my partner re my mum visiting?

[Sunshinerainbowslollipops]

I will try not to drip feed so here goes -

My partner and I have been together for many years, I am a SAHM to toddler twins and he works full time but is very hands on and fantastic with the twins when not at work.

My mum and I did not historically have a good relationship, she favoured my sibling and was quite cold. I did not feel close to her. This has impacted on how my partner views her, rightly so and meant that pre children we both happily agreed to see her 4x per year. However, after having the twins I felt differently and I know I have changed my mind.

We live a long long way away from any family and I have no friends who don't work / and or don't have children. So it is just me and the twins, which is fine, I take them out lots etc. However, I have no company or support all day Mon - Fri and it is lonely. I have in the last few weeks made a huge effort to meet a couple of other twins mums as I was beginning to struggle.

When I had the twins I feel my relationship with my mum changed. We are much closer, speak regularly and she adores the twins. I would like to see her more regularly as we have a lovely time when she visits, she is extremely helpful (cleans, tidies etc) and is support and help for me. We do lots of things that the girls and I enjoy and I want the girls to know their Grannie and for her not to be a stranger. She is desperate for a relationship with them and it is clear she adores them.

So, to my Aibu... I am so stressed out and upset that my partner makes such a massive fuss and drama about her visiting (it has been every other month) and I have just arranged a visit for a few days. He is very unhappy about this and says I am disregarding his feelings. Am I being unreasonable to want to see my mum every other month ish so the twins know who she is and because it is support / help / company for me and I enjoy her visits and that we are building a better relationship? Or should I respect that my partner finds her irritating and that we agreed pre babies to seeing her 4x a year? I always arrange visits on week days so it doesn't interfere with his time with the twins, i.e. Weekends and he is out all day. It is really causing me so much upset and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Help! Thanks if you got this far!

Good point by a PP - people saying they wouldn't like their MILs staying are probably doing all the wifework to enable the stay.

Wifework? please elaborate on this term?

I think he is BU. I think if her visits are helpful to you and build a good relationship with your children then why not? Often the birth of grandchildren can help heal rifts and help bring mother and daughters closer. She does not sound like she is toxic, so I think DH should be on your side, and be pleased that the relationship is improving.
Once I had children I became incredibly close to my mother and we had some great times together before she passed away. Don't deny this opportunity to do the same.
I do think it's a little odd to 'agree' to only see a family member a set amount of times per year though, and then feel like you have to stick to it even though circumstances have changed.
Is your husband controlling in other ways? he's not trying to keep you isolated is he?

Good grief 6 times a year too much!!

We must be a strange bunch because I see my married kids and dils every week and grandchildren and my parents and did see inlaws as much when they were alive. We all get on. My sisters another matter.

Op it's your mum and your dh sounds controlling.

I think you should listen to your husband's wishes as well as your own and try to find a compromise. Could you go and stay with her a few extra times a year? I think it is a lot to have someone you don't want and like staying in your house for a few days every other month, and I don't think he is unreasonable to say that.

It's interesting what different people and different couples will tolerate.

My DH and mum get on well and see each other most days as we live in the same area.

I don't have a close relationship with my MIL but would never stop her seeing my DD as often as she wants to . I don't speak to my father but he has met my DD, attended her christening, given her cards etc Whatever happened between my father and I my DD has a right to know him as she grows up so long as he isnt doing her any harm.

"Meet her half way" "go to your mum's"
It's a six hour (or three hour) drive. Bet that would be fun with toddler twins.

Wirework = ending up responsible for tidying the house, making up the guest bed, planning and shopping for meals even though it's not your guest but your husband's. It's a good point actually. I don't take on any of the 'wifework' around my husband's relationship with his mother - much to her chagrin. It makes her far more tolerable!

Having read and reread anything, you are isolated and you enjoy seeing your Mum and she has changed. I really think 2/3 days every other month is actually very little.

You do need to sort this out with your DH, it has very little impact on him and he doesn't seem to understand how lonely and isolated you feel!

Its only twice more a year than 'the agreement', you're isolated, need the support, and your relationship with your mum has improved. I think he's being totally unreasonable.

Yes, it means she's there as an occasional houseguest - if he doesn't want that, he should go and live in a cave by himself, otherwise he needs to suck it up that his wife will sometimes want guests - as may well he, and as will the children as they get older.

Its not upto him how much you see your own mother. This isn't about helping him tolerate her, she's not unpleasant, its about him supporting you in your relationship with your mother.

I have struggled in the past with my in laws, but it doesn't matter what goes on between us, I support the relationship between them and my husband. It would be wrong for me to get in the way of that. Yes, he may find it difficult to forgive her for how she treated you in the past, but if you want a closer relationship with you, then part of the role of a supportive husband is surely to support that. Any difficulties with your mother are your difficulties not his.

longdiling I think it is a probably a good point, but quite a degrading name for housework.

However as an anecdotal evidence for the contrary:

In our house my mil does those things herself when she comes. If anything my workload is lighter while she is here.

But regardless of that 'perk' I chose to spend my life with my DH not his DM. She is welcome when she comes, but as with anyone in my home who is not in our bubble, I find it sets things off balance.