Aibu or is my partner re my mum visiting?

[Sunshinerainbowslollipops]

I will try not to drip feed so here goes -

My partner and I have been together for many years, I am a SAHM to toddler twins and he works full time but is very hands on and fantastic with the twins when not at work.

My mum and I did not historically have a good relationship, she favoured my sibling and was quite cold. I did not feel close to her. This has impacted on how my partner views her, rightly so and meant that pre children we both happily agreed to see her 4x per year. However, after having the twins I felt differently and I know I have changed my mind.

We live a long long way away from any family and I have no friends who don't work / and or don't have children. So it is just me and the twins, which is fine, I take them out lots etc. However, I have no company or support all day Mon - Fri and it is lonely. I have in the last few weeks made a huge effort to meet a couple of other twins mums as I was beginning to struggle.

When I had the twins I feel my relationship with my mum changed. We are much closer, speak regularly and she adores the twins. I would like to see her more regularly as we have a lovely time when she visits, she is extremely helpful (cleans, tidies etc) and is support and help for me. We do lots of things that the girls and I enjoy and I want the girls to know their Grannie and for her not to be a stranger. She is desperate for a relationship with them and it is clear she adores them.

So, to my Aibu... I am so stressed out and upset that my partner makes such a massive fuss and drama about her visiting (it has been every other month) and I have just arranged a visit for a few days. He is very unhappy about this and says I am disregarding his feelings. Am I being unreasonable to want to see my mum every other month ish so the twins know who she is and because it is support / help / company for me and I enjoy her visits and that we are building a better relationship? Or should I respect that my partner finds her irritating and that we agreed pre babies to seeing her 4x a year? I always arrange visits on week days so it doesn't interfere with his time with the twins, i.e. Weekends and he is out all day. It is really causing me so much upset and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Help! Thanks if you got this far!

There are plenty MIL threads on here with people complaining about in laws staying. What are your OHs objections? 2 nights every other month is nothing it's only twice more than you have been seeing her previously.
I think he is being unreasonable if he can't compromise. Can he not see that tolerating a few nights of his MIL benefits his wife and children greatly, which in turn benefits him? Does he have any hobbies or interests that he could do on those evenings?

It sounds like he's worried your mum will go back to how she was before and you will be devastated having put so much effort into rebuilding your relationship with her.
I think this is the crux of it too. I am both the child and grandchild in similar dynamics. Its tricky to navigate. My DH hates DM getting involved with her family because they've largely caused nothing but pain, and he doesn't want us even as grown adults now going through that again.

I understand that largely though because there's an odd dynamic with my sister being the golden child so whilst I try to foster a relationship with my DC and my DPs as my DC are the only GC, DH is happy that I'm also happy for this to be not much more than a once a month thing. We are happy because if my sister does have DC she will expect them to be front and centre with my DPs and they are likely to comply to the detriment of my DC.
Its up to you to decide what will work for your relationship with your DM and your DH should respect that, however you need to also talk to him about mitigating any worry he may have regarding your DC.

Everything that Happy50 says.

OP it makes me so sad to read that you think maybe you are being unreasonable based on the responses here.

Your mum loves your kids. You and your mum are rebuilding a relationships. These are postive things. Nurture and encourage them.

I don't love having my in laws visit but they are the parents of my DH and grandparents to my DC and love them all very much so I welcome them any time.

I know in a lot of ways I'm being selfish as I am alone every single day time every day of the week and I genuinely look forward to the company, companionship and fun of the visits. I love to see how much my mum adores and is fascinated by the twins, she is every inch the doting Grannie. We have a lovely time and I wish it could be more frequent but totally acknowledge that it's not possible. I guess I need to think more of my oh and say no to her visiting every couple of months and try to focus on making some friends with children here (so so hard as at groups I'm not able to sit and chat as the twins are into everything, usually dangerous stuff!)

sorry My DH hates DM getting involved should be my DF hates my Dm getting involved

Bluebell - but she is my mum and the twins are her grandchildren. Do most grandparents see their grandchildren less than 6 times a year? Maybe it's too much then.

It is NOT too much. NOT too much at all.

OP, I am in total agreement with you - actually I would support you seeing your mum far more often than you suggest (even though I know that can be an unpopular viewpoint on here).

I did not have a good relationship with my own mum but that changed as soon as I had children. I had twins also, plus two more. She helped me enormously, in a practical sense. But in an emotional one we were on the same page - loving my children/her grandchildren. We became so close and she has always had a lovely relationship with her grandchildren.

I am now a grandma myself. Having gone through a dramatic wild child phase my daughter and I did not have a good relationship either. She became pregnant young, and our relationship again changed overnight. We are so close now and I see my grandson 3 or 4 times a week. I was not prepared for just how much you can love a grandchild - I wonder if your mum feels the same way?

I think you should be able to have your mum visit as often as you are happy with. I hope your DH can begin to realise that your relationship is different now.

I wish you good luck x

It sounds like your mum is really supportive and helps you out - maybe your DP doesn't realise how isolated you've been feeling?

It's all very well for posters to be saying they want their own family unit and are self sufficient enough not to need to see their parents or in-laws very often. But coping with young twins and no immediate support must be very difficult.

Longer term, a relationship with granny means your twins can go to visit her. She could even look after them for a few nights so you and DP can go away together. Would this persuade your DP?

When posters start with "if he loves you" you really need to start thinking about who is being controlling.

For me (and I suspect most people) 2 days every 2 weeks is far to many as there is no escape in your own home.

Thank you for all the replies, I know I haven't replied to everyone but I've read them all and all very helpful.

Just read your last post OP.

I honestly do not think seeing your mum every few months is too much for you or your twins. She's family, she loves you and you love her - 6 times a year is too little if anything.

I think your husband is being controlling. A couple of days every two months - 2 days out of 60??

Some people on this thread are really mardy. If you are getting on better now, then your dh should be supportive of that.

Sounds like you really need your mum now, especially as you have no other friends or family locally.

I wonder if there is also an element of trying to protect you OP from yourself. He might not understand where this rapprochement has come from and it kind of looks like its more the twins that are the driver, not a better relationship with you. In the long term is she going to be a distant mother but engaged grandmother and, if so, how to you feel about that?

Also, how much space do you have for her in your house (e.g. spare room)?

I do understand your thinking that other families do have close and regular contact across the generations but that is more based on geography than much else. Certainly it was rare for me to see any of my grandparents growing up as they lived a days travel away. Seeing is different from staying basically.

Maybe ask to let her stay in a hotel every second visit so she is not staying every 8 weeks. When either my or DPs parents came to stay it does change things. Making sure that we were fully dressed prior to going to the bathroom in the morning for example. It can be a hassle.

There are many people who due to geography will see their parents or in laws on a daily basis. What you describe does not sound too much. If your dh wants this to stop, what other arrangement is he going to put in place to ensure you have company and support? Perhaps he could reduce his hours and you could go back to work part-time.

Being a SAHM is really hard, even to just one child. You deserve to get the support and company you want.

i dont think its up to hm to decide if u should forgive her or not-she now has gc's that u want her to see

if its nothing to do with anything else then hes bu

Thank you, some really lovely replies that have made me well up. Thank you all for taking the time to respond and give advice.

Boney- I think you misread, it's every 2 months not 2 weeks.

Not sure where to go now but hopefully we can compromise as like other posters have said, it is hard work and isolating being a SAHM to twins with no family or friends (I have friends but they work full time and don't have children so I never see them). I'm going to head to bed now (twins don't sleep well) but will check in tomorrow. Thanks again.

Does the previously favoured sibling have DC? What would DM's reaction be if s/he did? Would your twins be pushed out, no longer flavour of the month?

Is that what DP is concerned about, that she'd revert to type?

That ^. I'd worry that she'll start to play favourites with the twins too.

I Cannot believe the responses in the first two pages.
Yanbu at all.
She's their grandmother, helps you, gives you support; why wouldn't anyone encourage that?
I don't think once every 2 months is very much at all for a gp to see their gcs.
He's not even in for most of it!

My mum stays for a couple of days every two weeks. Does DH like it? Not much. But he deals with it because he loves me and I love her. I do the same for him. His family drive me nuts but they're his family so he can see them whenever he wants and they can stay in our house whenever he wants. I imagine how I'd feel when DH's parents die, if he felt like he could have seen a lot more of them if it hadn't been for me. Is that guilt something I want to live with? Nope. When my parents die would I forgive my DH if I felt like I hadn't been able to see them as much as I wanted to while they were alive? Maybe. But it would take a very, very long time.

"My mum and I did not historically have a good relationship, she favoured my sibling and was quite cold. I did not feel close to her."
"When I had the twins I feel my relationship with my mum changed. We are much closer, speak regularly and she adores the twins."

That's quite a turnaround, don't you think? She goes from being cold towards you to being adoring. Except it's the twins she adores, not you?

Your husband witnessed her behaviour to you when you were still at school. He is not struggling for adult company (the advantage of working outside the home) as you are. I think he sees your new 'closeness' with your mother as only happening because you are struggling for company. And that this could possibly hurt you in the future; that she's only being nice to you because you are the gatekeeper to your twins, and she is "desperate for a relationship with them".

And I must admit, I am also concerned.

I found the loneliness unbearable with my first, I wonder if your husband realises the extent, mine didnt fully understand.
I would suggest 1 visit at yours, the other she stays at a hotel, then you can see her in the day or even go out without the twins with your mum one evening. This way DH gets a longer stretch without her at your home, you still get support, win win.
When they are older hopefully travelling will be easier for you to visit her.

Every two months is really not very often! I think your Dh is being very selfish (and controlling) to not see the multiple benefits to you and the twins of your mother visiting, and being so supportive. I bet he'd soon change his mind if you were taken ill etc and couldn't do the childcare!
Could you appease DH and suggest that DM babysits on one of the evenings that she is visiting so that you and DH can go out together?

Christ some of this makes for depressing reading.

I'd be happy for my mil to come and stay for a few days every couple of months, that really isn't that much.

I'm quite surprised at the responses.
I see my mum 3 times a week but admittedly
Just for the morning etc as she works and also lives locally.
I'd struggle without her support so I can see why you like having your mum to stay. You originally agreed 4 times a year so I don't think 6 times is loads more or unreasonable