Aibu or is my partner re my mum visiting?

[Sunshinerainbowslollipops]

I will try not to drip feed so here goes -

My partner and I have been together for many years, I am a SAHM to toddler twins and he works full time but is very hands on and fantastic with the twins when not at work.

My mum and I did not historically have a good relationship, she favoured my sibling and was quite cold. I did not feel close to her. This has impacted on how my partner views her, rightly so and meant that pre children we both happily agreed to see her 4x per year. However, after having the twins I felt differently and I know I have changed my mind.

We live a long long way away from any family and I have no friends who don't work / and or don't have children. So it is just me and the twins, which is fine, I take them out lots etc. However, I have no company or support all day Mon - Fri and it is lonely. I have in the last few weeks made a huge effort to meet a couple of other twins mums as I was beginning to struggle.

When I had the twins I feel my relationship with my mum changed. We are much closer, speak regularly and she adores the twins. I would like to see her more regularly as we have a lovely time when she visits, she is extremely helpful (cleans, tidies etc) and is support and help for me. We do lots of things that the girls and I enjoy and I want the girls to know their Grannie and for her not to be a stranger. She is desperate for a relationship with them and it is clear she adores them.

So, to my Aibu... I am so stressed out and upset that my partner makes such a massive fuss and drama about her visiting (it has been every other month) and I have just arranged a visit for a few days. He is very unhappy about this and says I am disregarding his feelings. Am I being unreasonable to want to see my mum every other month ish so the twins know who she is and because it is support / help / company for me and I enjoy her visits and that we are building a better relationship? Or should I respect that my partner finds her irritating and that we agreed pre babies to seeing her 4x a year? I always arrange visits on week days so it doesn't interfere with his time with the twins, i.e. Weekends and he is out all day. It is really causing me so much upset and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Help! Thanks if you got this far!

This is tricky. From a personal point of view I find people in my house when I get home from work stressful as I just want to relax an not be social sometimes (I get even more vexed if they're not my favourite person however helpful they are), so possibly whilst her staying week days may not seem intrusive it could possibly have an impact on his feelings towards her staying too?

Given he's accepted the 4 time per year, do you have an alternative option for the other two - as pp has mention like hotel (if he's not happy then it will need to be at yours!) Or perhaps a weekend away with DM? Or Does he do trips away/work away when she could stay?

In terms of support might be silly but have you considered help such as cleaner even if once every couple of weeks to take the pressure off just a little?

Your husband is being unreasonable.

You are bending over backwards so as not to interfered with his 'family time' with the twins by keeping the visits mid-week when he is primarily at work.

You have a right to have a relationship with your mother if there is no abuse involved, etc, and she's not undermining you with the children, or trying to undermine your marriage, etc.

People can change. People can try to change their relationships. Your DH should respect you enough to let you make your own decisions about the relationship you want with your mother, and the relationship you want your mother to have with your children.

I don't think every other month for 2-3 days is unreasonable, especially since you have twins, are a SAHM, and have few friends to spend time with, and she is helpful and making you feel better/happier, not worse. Tell him you need him to put aside his prejudices against your mom and try to look at how she is treating your 'now'.

Few different things

It's his house as well you can't just invite people without considering him -

Obviously sounds like he has a negative view of her given her past behaviour and like you say rightly so

I think you are already seeing a lot of her given the distances involved and would discuss with your partner what he would find ok

Just because your relationship with DM has changed, it doesn't mean his relationship with her has changed. He's having to put up with someone who he doesn't like and doesn't trust in his house, for several days every few weeks. I wouldn't like it either in similar circumstances. Can you space out her visits, take it slower until their relationship warms up a bit? Instead of her visiting you every time, can you maybe meet in the middle once in a while (stay in a cheap hotel or B&B) for a night or two once in a while to break up the pattern and not inflict her on him with such regularity?

Thinking back to my exFIL, I'd have dreaded it if he'd have stayed every two months for several days (even though he was useful doing DIY jobs to be fair) because he was an awkward sod and I always felt I was walking on eggshells around him. Feel sorry for you DH if he feels the same way.

My relationship with my DD has changed since the arrival of DGC - we got on well before, but weren't close in the way that I had been with my own DM, and that saddened me. But since DGC arrived, DD now says that she understands ME more and we have become very close. It's wonderful...
I visit her and her DP every other week (it's quite a drive) and look after DGC for 2 days - thus saving them the equivalent of a day a week in childcare costs. I love being able to help in this way, and we really look forward to seeing each other. Her DP makes me very welcome, and it allows them to go out together occasionally.
Once every 2 months is certainly not too often for your DM to visit - take the chance to build a better relationship with her, and for her and your DTs to bond.
Your DP may well be wary of you being hurt if your DM withdraws - and I do think that you should be aware that this might happen - but you need support now, and if your DM will provide this, then accept it gladly.

It's not like the mil coming to stay though is it?
It's a couple of hours for 2 nights every 2 months.
If the mil came to stay, she would be with them all day, not just a few hours.
If she lived round the corner I'm sure she'd be round more often.
He's just going to have to learn to get on with her.
It's not too much, not at all.
She's your mother, she helps you and you want to spend time with her, end of.

Your partner has no right to dictate the dynamics of the relationship between you and your mum; He is your partner, not your keeper.

It's the same with the constant "MIL" threads on here where wives are demanding that husbands choose them over their mothers, pathetic and sly!

If you want your mum to visit, then that's how it should be and you'd be an absolute "mug" if you let him decide when you spend time with her.

You can be married with kids and still have contact with the rest of the family; Parents shouldn't be excluded just because you're now a parent yourself.

It sounds like you want your mum around and that is all that matters in this instance; Your partner and his parents are behaving in a very controlling and toxic manner, they don't want you to like your mum? Jesus.

You say yourself that she has made an effort to "change" and turn her life around (after not treating you so well in your younger years), but what she did or didn't do in the past is frankly none of your partner's concern unless you make it his concern and clearly that isn't the case when you want to move forward with your mum but he wants you to hang onto mistakes from long ago.

If you can forgive her and give her a chance, then do so - Please don't be a doormat with your partner, you can make your own choices with regard seeing your mum, he should not be influencing your decisions.

She's your mum and if you're happy and have a good relationship with her now then I definitely think your partner is being very unreasonable. He'd be gone first if it were me!

The idea that you must stick to an agreement made before you had bloody twins is risible.
Before I had dc I had an arrangement whereby I slept peacefully every night and went to the toilet alone. That bloody changed. I imagine other things have changed similarly for the OP. So the dh has his mil staying overnight once a month. Big deal.

Totally agree with Emeraldscorn

I think you and your H could do with some couples counselling. It strikes me that he is being protective of you if he has formed a less than positive view of your mum. It would be worth exploring how and why he feels unhappy and whether he fears a changed dynamic. I would support you having your mum stay for the x3 days x4 times a year midweek as you described, but it sounds terribly prescriptive and he needs to explain why he is putting a roadblock in the way.

I think your need for support with twin toddlers is more important than his irritation with her. But I havnt quite got it, is he irritated because of how she treated you in the past, or because he find her irritating? If it's the former he needs to get with the programme, things have moved or if it's the latter, I refer you to my first point ( don't know why I've started talking like a lawyer).
And he needs to think of his daughters and how they benefit from a relationship with her.

Have you takes to him about how positive it feels to have a better relationship with her? What does he say?

Good point by a PP - people saying they wouldn't like their MILs staying are probably doing all the wifework to enable the stay.

All your DH has to do is be civil for a few hours in the evening after work. He does not have to wash and change bedsheets, get food in, sort meals, entertain her.

I don't get why a few evening hours every 60 or so days is that much of an ask, particularly as you and your DC really benefit from seeing her.

I understand people don't like having visitors and stuff, but to treat someone who cares for you that way is a bit odd.

Horses for courses and whatnot, I know everyone has a different ideal family dynamic, but I don't think you are asking for much. Your OH needs to support you in rebuilding a better relationship with your mum. My F was abusive and I no longer see him, the DCs do not know him. How I wish our relationship could improve the way yours have. Alas, he remains a wank badger.

My DM, on the other hand, is amazing. She comes over every couple of months, for weeks at a time as she lives abroad. She shares a bedroom with DS and we all love having her around. Like you said, it's help with the kids, the fact she loves them to bits and finds them fascinating and all the practical help she is able to offer. DH gets a shock every time she leaves as the washing starts to pile up again and the house is no longer immaculate.

I cannot even imagine how isolating it must be to SAH with twin toddlers. I work PT and have just one toddler (and a 5 year old too) and found outside work I cannot hold a conversation with anyone for longer than two sentences because she is active, has little sense of danger and is a bolter to boot. Having your DM with you must be such a relief.

Yabu maybe remind him, you only have one mum....you can however get another husband ;)

I meant you are NOT being unreasonable

I don't think YABU, my DM stayed over every week when I went back to work when DD was 1 and that lasted for 6 years. there were positives and negatives. Overall she now has a great relationship with DCs and we got time out together or a cooked meal and a load of washing put on.
You need to articulate your needs, it's not just about your DM and DTs relationship (which is important) but more important are your needs. 1or 2 nights of support every 2 months is not enough. Your DH needs to support you and what you want/need - he's not the one isolated looking after babies is he? I wonder if he could do your 'job' as I'm certain you could do his.
And if that support comes in the shape of your mum then so be it. You are building up your relationship, why is he not supportive of this? You are being isolated at a time when you're vulnerable and alone. I get that he may not like her but YOU are more important than that!!!!!! You are!

I am so surprised that people think 2 days ever other month is too much. That's about as often as we visit my mother in law - and I've always felt it's the bare minimum we can get away with because she is an absolute nightmare to be around. Every other month we pack up the kids and drive 3 hours there and back to see her and I have never felt this is too much effort. I can't imagine begrudging her visiting us. And, honestly, she is a bloody nightmare!

How often does your Oh think you should see her?

Op, I find myself wondering how much support your Oh really gives you? You say he is fantastic and hands on but how much does he practically do.

I think your partner is being unreasonable. If you can get past what happened, he should too! Can you get your mum to babysit one night and you go on a date night with your partner? That might incentivise him a bit

Sunshinerainbowslollipops

Sorry misread,

Why can't she stay nearby in a hotel? I would find it very intrusive to have mil staying overnight so often. Maybe your DH feels he can't relax in his home after work or get ready in peace in the mornings?

I'd stick to 4x year and find a hotel for the extra visits.

I'm with the posters who don't see this quite so black and white and that your DH is unreasonable.

His feelings towards your mother have come from YOU. You say he saw you favouring your sister when your were younger but clearly you also told him things, that's natural. He loves you, therefore is protective about you.

I have seen other instances, sadly, where a very cold mother has suddenly become sweetness and light when grandchildren come along as if they've had a personality transplant towards their previously neglected daughter. They haven't. People don't change materially. It's about the grandkids. I wonder what your mother would say if you said "hey mum, how about I come and visit one weekend, just you and me" and didn't want to take the grandkids? I have a sneaking suspicion based on similar instances, she might suddenly be busy.

If your DH mistrusts her, it's not his fault but hers for how she used to behave and you for telling him all about it. Can't blame him, in that respect.

At the same time, YOU think his parents are "weird" because they don't seem to want to be particularly close or involved. If your DH has been used to them being fairly hands off with him, and your mum being hands off with you, and all of a sudden your mum turns up having become "supergran" and staying a couple of days every other month, he's of course going to find that feels strange.

I actually don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's one of those things.

Or should I respect that my partner finds her irritating and that we agreed pre babies to seeing her 4x a year?

You agreed, you cannot just ignore the agreement and do what you want. You need to get a new agreement, and a way to make it work, tbh it may well be that doing it on weekends is better (so it's not a continous period of stress for DP as they work/deal with irritation/work, but can get out of the way) but either way you need to talk about this again with DP and agree something that works. Explain your need for help and company.

Neither of you are being unreasonable to want to limit, or to want to help, you are being unreasonable if you decide your choice is the correct one and just do it.

2 nights every 2 months is not excessive unless your dm is actively unpleasant to your do or something like that.

I can't believe people are saying seeing your DM 6 x a YEAR is too much!!!! I can't stand my MIL, but could tolerate her that often if necessary. YANBU