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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is my partner re my mum visiting?

110 replies

Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 21:45

I will try not to drip feed so here goes -

My partner and I have been together for many years, I am a SAHM to toddler twins and he works full time but is very hands on and fantastic with the twins when not at work.

My mum and I did not historically have a good relationship, she favoured my sibling and was quite cold. I did not feel close to her. This has impacted on how my partner views her, rightly so and meant that pre children we both happily agreed to see her 4x per year. However, after having the twins I felt differently and I know I have changed my mind.

We live a long long way away from any family and I have no friends who don't work / and or don't have children. So it is just me and the twins, which is fine, I take them out lots etc. However, I have no company or support all day Mon - Fri and it is lonely. I have in the last few weeks made a huge effort to meet a couple of other twins mums as I was beginning to struggle.

When I had the twins I feel my relationship with my mum changed. We are much closer, speak regularly and she adores the twins. I would like to see her more regularly as we have a lovely time when she visits, she is extremely helpful (cleans, tidies etc) and is support and help for me. We do lots of things that the girls and I enjoy and I want the girls to know their Grannie and for her not to be a stranger. She is desperate for a relationship with them and it is clear she adores them.

So, to my Aibu... I am so stressed out and upset that my partner makes such a massive fuss and drama about her visiting (it has been every other month) and I have just arranged a visit for a few days. He is very unhappy about this and says I am disregarding his feelings. Am I being unreasonable to want to see my mum every other month ish so the twins know who she is and because it is support / help / company for me and I enjoy her visits and that we are building a better relationship? Or should I respect that my partner finds her irritating and that we agreed pre babies to seeing her 4x a year? I always arrange visits on week days so it doesn't interfere with his time with the twins, i.e. Weekends and he is out all day. It is really causing me so much upset and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Help! Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:06

She usually stays a few nights due to travel taking 6 hrs. So yes she is here when oh is home from work. I can't really go on my own as I wouldn't want to take twin toddlers in the car and drive, alone, for 6 plus hours, I just couldn't do it.

OP posts:
OverOn · 21/02/2017 22:07

Surely spending a few evenings with your mum in the house every 8 weeks or so isn't that much of an ask?

It's good you're building a relationship with her and that your twins are getting to know granny.

As she's helpful and making you feel less isolated, he should be supporting you. I can imagine bringing up twins is hard work with no family support nearby. Asking him to be nice to your mum every few months isn't really asking of much to support you.

paddypants · 21/02/2017 22:07

Also, my mum had a coolish relationship with my grandmother but encouraged her children to have a relationship with her and we all did have a very positive one. She was not the most loving of mothers but she was a very good grandmother and everyone benefited from that

Brigante9 · 21/02/2017 22:09

It's a lot of visits and I'd be siding with your DH. My mil once stayed for over two weeks, a few months after I'd had a significant accident. I was horrified, my dh thought I should be more tolerant.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2017 22:10

To be honest I wouldn't have wanted my mother in law to stay for a few days every other month. No matter how well I got on with her. I think you've both got valid points and you'll need to compromise.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:13

Thanks everyone, seems quite mixed responses! My mum really tries when she comes up - buys us nice food, cleans and tidies everything, takes me and the girls out, really tries to give me a break because twins alone is relentless and exhausting and god is it nice for someone else to clean the kitchen after dinner bedlam and relax instead... (obviously not the only reason I enjoy her visits!!) I just mean she doesn't do anything bad whilst she's here to warrant oh hating her visits, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:16

It's helpful as I honestly thought most people saw their kids and grandchildren every week so I honestly thought once every 2 months wasn't much but at least now I can see perhaps I am being unreasonable. After 2 months of not seeing her my twins almost don't recognise her so every visit the first day is spent with them getting to know Grannie again....

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/02/2017 22:18

Op I suspect it's about having someone else in your home for a few days every few weeks. That would be my issue, doesn't matter if they are great, many people don't like extended visits from guests, they like their own space.

I have lots of guests, but one or two days does me. If my mother in law stayed for a few days every other month it would drive me nuts. It's different when someone else is there.

Whiterabbitears · 21/02/2017 22:18

I don't think every 8 weeks is too often, you say you have no support network where you live so your DH is BU to be difficult about this. I don't understand why he's not pleased that your twins will also benefit as well as you, a loving granny is not something all kids have, surely its your choice to move on from your past, not his? When the twins get older you can travel to her or they could stay with her on odd weekends maybe, he should support your decision in your current situation.

LunaMay · 21/02/2017 22:19

You've obviously filled in dh on the past though so it's natural to have coloured his view on her, I think it's unfair to suddenly expect him to change his mind just because you have. This is one of the reasons I never bitch/gossip about friends ex's with them, they get back together and you have the same situation!
Is it possible for your mum to stay in a motel/hotel for every other visit? Every 8 weeks comes around quite quickly really and I would dread it.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 21/02/2017 22:19

My mil stays 2 times a year - maybe 3 at most. It is exhausting. She is helpful, kind, mindful, respectful. But she is superfluous to our bubble and it throws us out of kilter.

I imagine this would be magnified if there was a history of her poor behaviour. I may even suspect she had not really changed, but was being manipulative to ensure a relationship with twins.

YABU to expect DH to just accept this change. HIBU to be quite so inflexible.

I imagine it comes from a place of fear that she will hurt you again.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2017 22:20

You need to put yourself in your husbands shoes, what if his mum decides she has changed as a person and wants to stay a few days every other month, like your mum did. Are you ok with that?

harderandharder2breathe · 21/02/2017 22:25

It sounds like he's worried your mum will go back to how she was before and you will be devastated having put so much effort into rebuilding your relationship with her.

Visits every couple of months is not too excessive but it is his house as well, and having your mum to stay changes the dynamics.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 21/02/2017 22:28

Christ, I couldn't cope with my mil staying for a week or so every couple of months. Or even my own DM.

Honestly? It sounds too much.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:29

Thank you, lots of helpful replies and I do understand the 'it's coming from a place of fear.' We have been together 15 years, met at school so he saw the behaviour (just favouring my sibling mainly), nothing really awful and I haven't gone into details with him, my mum and myself just weren't particularly close. My mum always offers to stay in a local hotel but oh wouldn't have it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:30

Pidgey - she stays 2 days, never a week. She can't stay one day as it takes 6 hours, sometimes 8 just to get here!

OP posts:
PidgeyfinderGeneral · 21/02/2017 22:30

Sorry, I misread your post as a few days = a week - my bad.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:31

Most she has stayed is 3 days, that would be my preference as she would arrive late on day one and leave early on day 3 leaving us with one full day together. If that makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:31

Pidgey - sorry, prob me being unclear!

OP posts:
Happy50 · 21/02/2017 22:31

I saw my Nan every day - it gave me such happiness as a child.
My son saw both sets of grandparents every week until one set moved abroad.but still has weekly phone calls and flights over
He loves them both dearly despite our marriage break up
It is such a lovely thing to be part of an extended family and loved and cherished by your grandparents
Surely that is what family life is about if your are blessed to be in that situation

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/02/2017 22:35

It sounds like he loves you and has heard enough from you about your childhood to make him really cross with her. The fact that you're now getting along better with her might look, to him at least, like she has 'got away with it' (i.e. no retribution for her poor choices) and he may be struggling to see any justice in that and this is how it's coming out. Sounds a bit mad (esp as she's your mum and your position on the matter should be the one he tries to follow), but I get it.

Explain to him how happy you are to have found this relationship with her at last and maybe he'll soften. If he doesn't then he's being rather selfish and needs to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbowslollipops · 21/02/2017 22:36

Lacontessa - I think you're exactly right.

OP posts:
5inabed · 21/02/2017 22:36

Seriously? It's every two months not every week! I see my mum at least 5 days a week and I'd be really upset to only see her once every couple of months. My kids adore her and so does my dh. That's so sad that some of you think once every 2 months is too much I'd be devastated if my kids felt like that.

pinkbraces · 21/02/2017 22:36

I actually think your husband is being very controlling of when and how long you can see your mum. People change, relationships change, I would think if he loves you he should be very happy the relationship between you and your mum is so much better.
Its especially controlling if your mum has offered to stay in a hotel and he still has issues with this.

Your mum is still your family and you should be able to see her when you want. I couldnt imagine living with someone who objected to this.

PunjanaTea · 21/02/2017 22:36

The thing is even though she's there in the week and tries not to get in the way, it can still be irritating to have someone in your house visiting when all you want to do is relax after work.

My mum visits for a few days about every three months and it can be quite exhausting. Similar to you I also didn't have a great relationship with her growing up but she's a great granny. My DH puts up with it because his parents live round the corner and I have to see them quite a lot in day to day life.

We also take the opportunities that come with having a 'live-in' babysitter and go out as a couple whilst she's here, which is a bit of a sweetener for DH, and gives her the opportunity to not fall behind too far with her soaps!!

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