Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

Thankyou for some really perceptive comments. I'm just trying to take it all in.

He has no idea when the cleaner comes. I don't know what he thinks about that. The only reason she doesn't come every day is because she likes to talk a lot. She is quite good when she gets in with it.

No not financially abusive at all and I would leave him if he was.

What do the two of you do as a couple? What do you all do together as a family?

You are not selling this life to me at all. You have money, but you don't have true companionship, you can't talk with him about the kids, you have to basically shut up and not need anything (unless you cry which I'm guessing is rarely) and pay him full attention, and if you do speak, you'll be interrogated (Surrey example).

He takes you to nice restaurants, he gives you lots of money, he says out loud things like 'you have the real job' but where it matters, like him parenting your son properly and not bullying him (like he does to you and probably the girls), and relating to you as a real person, not an employed housekeeper, he fails.

It's your life, your deal, you would be very wealthy if you split with him. This life sounds awful to me, sorry but I'd rather have a husband I could speak with like normal person any day of the week.

do your kids manage his moods as well? do they pick up on his bad moods and tiptoe around on those days?

first off i would stop the 'my time is more important than yours crap.' next time he demands your full attention immediately while you're busy tell him to wait a couple of minutes. start to make him aware that you are more than his verbal punch bag.

secondly, next time he criticises the door frame / windows / his fucking arse 'ah good - the cloths are in the cupboard.' refuse to take responsibility. 'hmmm you could mention it to the cleaner next time you see them.' any old shite other than accept it's your fault and take the hit for it. he likes putting you in your place. he likes criticising you. he won't actually help though will he?

tbh he sounds like a prize arse, but i'm assuming you're not going to ltb, so it's a situation of making it bearable for yourself.

you may have all the worldly goods your heart desires, but if you're not treated with respect it doesn't add up to much.

If you don't think you're at any risk, then I'd be inclined to say that you change your steps of the dance and see if he changes his. Stop tiptoeing around him. Stop accepting the nit-picking. Stop implying that his concerns are the important ones and yours (and the dc's) can be fitted in when convenient. Stop treating him like the Great I Am. See what happens.

I've known a lot of men who say their wife does the real work, the real job. Not one of them really believed it.

He sounds like my father. He behaved rather like that around my mother.

My father wasn't at my wedding. He's never met my DH. He doesn't know where I live. He doesn't, as far as I am aware, know he has a grandchild. He wasn't at my sister's wedding. He doesn't speak to my brother.

The day he left my mum was hard at the time, but now we all look back o it as a very positive thing indeed.

Ask yourself why that might be!

Sounds like you love him and love your life together for the most part. I get the sense that you don't want to be a wealthy divorcee.

My advice to you is to start acting like a normal wife e.g laugh and tell him to fuck off when he points out a dusty door frame (still agog at that one) and see what happens.

This could be my husband! Haven't got time for a full reply but will come back to this after work

This sounds very similar to a recent thread, will see if I can find it, and maybe it would be helpful.
He sounds awful to me. I would say speaking to employees in many workplaces the way he speaks to you, would be deemed unacceptable.

So he'll throw money at the issue, but not anything that actually means anything, like seriously trying to change his attitude even though he's made you cry.

Honestly, what would you say to one of your daughters if she told you her marriage was like this?

"He is good in a crisis". That phrase makes my blood run cold. We used to say it all tge time about my mother. She was emotionally abusive and we lived our lives in perpetual fear of her. We learnt to gauge her mood before we tried to engage and we learnt to flatter her into a better frame of mind. None of her undoubted stress made being told "nobody wants you", "you ruin everything", and the reams and reams of other should destroying stuff I could tell you, ok. It is not ok. Not for you, not for me and not for your kids. There is NO excuse for abusing your spouse. Not even if she is a... Shock!... Horror!... Will nobody think of the children!...sahm

Southall
You should support him in his work and emotionally help him destress.
Really you need to find your own job and then split all household chores 50/50.

How would that work? You say in one line he's a workaholic and the OP has said the same. He's not suddenly going to start doing 50% of chores, is he? And sounds like OP working FT would just make her life harder. And why should OP help him de-stress if he doesn't attend to her emotional needs?

I will be talking to him about why he feels the need to be talking about dust on door frames etc and what that is all about. I will probably get blank looks all round, but I need him to explain himself on this.

I do love him very much after 14 years. We are very connected in an intimate sense if that's not tmi, sorry! We do go out as a couple and he does turn his phone off then.

Yes the DC do have to put up with it all as well, though treading on eggshells is probably normal to them and I hate to say that.

He is good in the sense that if I do get upset with him, in the sense that I'm actually crying, he will apologise profusely and take it all on at the time. The problem is that I don't think he has much introspection, so he doesn't really change.

An apology is meaningless if the behaviour that caused you to cry doesn't change. I'm chilled actually by the way you say this as if it's a common event for him to make you so upset you end up in tears. I genuinely can't remember the last time my DH made me cry (and I am one of life's criers).

If he goes somewhere like a restaurant that he thinks I would like, he'll always text to tell me he wants to take me there.

And does he follow up and actually take you there? And if so, do a few meals out make up for the rest of it?

He will always tell everyone that I do the "real job". Despite quite a lot of macho posturing that seems to go on between him and his associates, he will say it's basically a load of bollocks.

Easy to say but it's meaningless if his behaviour away from his audience suggests he thinks of you as a housekeeper.

I'm sorry love, but the pros really really don't seem to make up for the massive con of not being respected and having to do the grunt work of parenting alone.

If I got a job, god knows what would happen to be honest.

I know DH would do anything for me.
Would he clean the windows though? How about stop treating you as his servant - would he do that?

What would happen if you were sick or broke a leg and were out of action for a few weeks?

You sound like you all live your lives treading on eggshells around him. This is neither normal or healthy for your or your DC.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2831579-AIBU-to-feel-like-the-weekend-skivvy

Some of the advice on this thread might help.

" Yes the DC do have to put up with it all as well, though treading on eggshells is probably normal to them and I hate to say that."

But that's an awful childhood, really it is. All the money in the world isn't going to make that better.

though treading on eggshells is probably normal to them and I hate to say that.

You realise you're possibly setting them up for a life of anxiety, people pleasing, accepting abusive partners themselves?

I suppose I have done most of the "grunt" work with the DC if you can call it that, but I found I was fine with that. I've only left him overnight with the kids once, but that's probably my fault. I should just get organised and go.

Would it be fair to say he decides on the mood of the household? IE if he's happy, everyone else feels happy. If he's in a bad mood, a black cloud enters the house.

I don't think you are doing your children any favours by teaching them this is how a family unit works. Because it shouldn't. Your ds is being picked on, made to feel inadequate and perhaps even emasculated. Your dds are being favoured and spoiled, which in the long run is also very difficult to bear. You sound very level headed. However, I would fear that my children may not be getting the skills they need to become well rounded self sufficient adults. None of his behaviour is good for their self esteem.

My dh tried this sort of behaviour with me but less extreme. He told me it was fine to talk to his employees in a way, which I found offensive. It caused a lot of friction for a while until he realised on no uncertain terms was this acceptable. You teach people how to treat you op. He's taught you to walk on egg shells and you've taught him you're his punching bag and his whipping boy. So yes, things do need to change and you need to fight for what is right if you want this marriage to rebalance. The only great thing is that he doesn't need to work so if he needs to stop or slow down for this to happen, it doesn't matter.

My DH, would have had similar tendencies if I let him get away with it. I nipped it in the bud very early on. Your DH is self-centred to the core - my commiserations and yes HE IS HIGH MAINTENANCE and you are enabling it.

You are clearly more the maid/nanny than an equal wife. You exist for him and not him for you. This is not a marriage of equals. You must give him this message - in the bluntest and most traumatic of ways - otherwise he will simply not understand it.

My Dh once tried to treat me like that, and I think it was him commenting on gathering dust on the bookshelf and me not being 'organised enough' that did it - I snapped. I gave three days notice that I would go on strike for seven days. I went on strike for a week - no cleaning, no washing, no meals and maintaining a cold sarcastic tone (much harder to do actually!). The kids found it hilarious at first until there was no dinner and then no clean uniform- and I absolutely refused to do anything. All I did was the school run and then went for coffee and read books. It did a world of good and DH took notice and things changed for a while. DH found it funny and annoying at the same time - he took it in his stride and realised his error and it did change things. Now, all I need to do is threaten to strike.

He is not treating you with respect, he is treating you like another employee to do his bidding as he likes.

I also have a high earning DH who works long hours and we agreed i would give up work last year as my job was causing me a lot of stress. I have no children at home now, just one dog to walk. My DH expects me to do things i want to do rather than clean/cook/do laundry etc because he cares about my happiness. He is more than happy to share in getting the vacuuming done, beds changed etc at the weekend if i haven't done it during the week. I can then spend time doing a course, going to Pilates, reading etc.

What you are describing sounds terrible. Even when my DD’s were at home he always had time to talk to them, take them places and they still have a great relationship even though they have left home now. At this rate your DC will have no relationship with their DF when they grow up and that will be his loss.