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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2017 12:13

I've just seen your last few posts. And I'd just like reiterate this:

You realise you're possibly setting them up for a life of anxiety, people pleasing, accepting abusive partners themselves?

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 12:14

The kids have a great life in general though. Nothing is ever perfect is it? He is very committed to his family in his way and the kids do know that. He is taking DS trekking in India at Easter to spend done 1 to 1 time with him.

OP posts:
Dulra · 21/02/2017 12:17

I think if he was forced to stop he would have a breakdown and that's the truth of the matter

Maybe that's not a bad thing maybe he needs to stop, have that breakdown and rebuild his life and his relationship with you and the children. It sounds extremely stressful for you and the children to be living in this environment but it sounds like you do love him very much but that has to be conditional on him changing his ways because I don't think you'll last much longer mentally in this home environment.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/02/2017 12:18

They might have a good life materially, but not emotionally, not tiptoeing round their father, not at all

Eliza9917 · 21/02/2017 12:21

The main hobbies are cycling and martial arts. I know some partners have issues about their DH's time out the house for hobbies, but tbh, his hobbies make my life easier.

And therein lies your rectification. Leave him. What is the point in being with someone that not only doesn't make you happy but you prefer it when they are out of the house? You walk on egg shells in your own home and he treats you like a skivvy and puts down your contribution to the partnership.

PoorYorick · 21/02/2017 12:21

He is good in a crisis

Controlling people who like to give orders tend to be.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 12:22

Thankyou everyone. Quite shocked at some of the responses to be honest but I am reading everything and it's a lot to take in and too fast to respond to everyone. Some posts are brilliant though.

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/02/2017 12:23

If he's great with the kids, why are you posting?

I think you know he is not, and no amount of trekking around India will solve that.

Very selfish men have a lot of difficulty with their children. It's also very hard for their children to get really close to them. I trod on eggshells all my childhood and I have at best a very reluctant and half-hearted relationship with my dad. It isn't a money thing, it's about them being self-absorbed, selfish and moody. I was really happy when my dad left the family- do you think your children would be relieved, if sad as well?

PatriciaHolm · 21/02/2017 12:23

Exotic holidays for 1% of the year won't make up for having to tiptoe around your own father 99% of the time.

Money doesn't create a happy childhood or home.

timeisnotaline · 21/02/2017 12:25

'I was planning to dust those windows as soon as you treat me like an actual person, let me know when that will be thanks dear' ?

SallyInSweden · 21/02/2017 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 12:26

I would have said (re the windows) "good, well you know where the duster is"

decemberdaze · 21/02/2017 12:26

I know DH would do anything for me. Except switch off from work and give you some time.

He's very kind and extremely generous. See above.

Very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. Fine words but don't appear to be borne out by actions.

All my friends think he's fantastic. They aren't married to him.

He is taking DS trekking in India at Easter to spend done 1 to 1 time with him. Were you invited?

You have a third person in your marriage, His Work, and it looks like she is getting the best of him ATM. Have a very serious talk about work-life balance or get a job and f* the eggshells.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 12:27

He is taking DS trekking in India at Easter to spend done 1 to 1 time with him Shock i missed that bit

I predict that not going partiucarly well tbh

Why can't he spend 1 to 1 time with him at football at the weekend or the equivalent

you don't need to go to fricking India to spend time with your kids!! How ridiculous.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2017 12:28

In the long term running on stress is very unhealthy for both physical and mental health and he risks burning out. It sounds as though he may be sucking the family dry of energy. I think if you left him, he'd very likely fall apart. I do wonder if he's already hanging on by a thread.

Liiinoo · 21/02/2017 12:32

I am a SAHP. Only the DCs are grown up now so I am a SAHPerson. When I was a full time mum I was clear from the start (to myself and DH) that I was SAHMum not a housekeeper. I took responsibility for the house as I was there the most but it was not my priority. Now DCs are gone I still take responsibility for the house but am clear it is done to my standards. If anything isn't to DHs liking he is free to correct it in his own time. So if he notices a small cobweb (in reality, a massive curtain of cobweb blocking out the sun) he is welcome to comment on it and then fetch the Hoover. And weekends and evenings are my down time as much as they are his.

My logic is I don't go into his office and supervise or criticise his work and I don't expect him to criticise mine. It works for us.

mummymeister · 21/02/2017 12:32

This man is behaving the way he does and continuing this behaviour, because you enable it. sorry, being blunt, but there it is.

he can only be a workaholic because he doesn't have to do anything in the home or take responsibility for it because you do.

You have chosen to be with this man. you clearly knew what the deal was when you married him and you have continued to enable him for the past years. You have been happy to sacrifice your working prospects to enable him to earn enough money for you to stay at home. you are happy to take the good things like the nice holidays and gifts for the bad.

BUT and this is the big but, your children did not sign up to this. It is completely not normal, not normal at all, for children to have to tip toe on eggshells around a parent. You have normalised it.

OP you have a shitstorm coming your way. one of your kids is going to get to an age or a point where they know that doing this is wrong and they are going to quite rightly challenge your husband. And it is going to be really horrible and unpleasant. Teens do this anyway and your husband will not be able to cope with it.

You will end up being piggy in the middle trying to please both sides.

Sort this out now. don't let it get to that point because that will be horrible, miserable and damaging for everyone.

just for a minute substitute the words workaholic with alcoholic. would you tolerate it if he was an alcoholic? would anyone?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2017 12:36

Actually I know someone a bit like your dh. Although I think he treated his ex wife with a lot more respect. When dh told me they'd split up, I said I wasn't surprised because he must be a very difficult man to live with. Dh was rather taken aback. Just because your friends see a charismatic, handsome, suave, sophisticated alpha male, who is a fantastic breadwinner, it doesn't mean he's all of those things behind closed doors. And note, yes, as I said, he's divorced. Before I had worked out what he was really like, I was quite taken in and a little in awe and had a bit of a crush for a while.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 12:37

About India, they often do this kind of thing. He does take DS to football if he's around to be fair. DS does the martial arts with him too.
I do agree mummyofdrsgons that he is probably on the edge. But what can I do to help him? I don't think he knows any other way to be.

OP posts:
Fakenewsday · 21/02/2017 12:38

i'm wondering about his mental health, my DH can be like this when he is feeling anxious himself - learned behaviour from how his parents coped most likely. You say that nothing is ever perfect, I agree with that. My DH has gotten a lot better once he realised that a lot of the resentment I felt for him was related to his belittling behaviours. I think try and get your DH to get some decent therapy, and go from there.

Olympiathequeen · 21/02/2017 12:39

I'm a bit shocked at all the aggressive posts and LTB comments and he is abusive etc.

The OP sounds intelligent and independent enough to know the truth of her situation and doesn't seem to believe the DH is abusive.

It just sounds like a marriage which has lost its way somewhere and the two people involved need to reconnect and establish an honest and non confrontational communication. Mostly the DH in this case.

Hopefully it's that simple.

Fakenewsday · 21/02/2017 12:42

i tend to agree Olympia I think the big question is whether op you'd be scared to bring up your concerns to your DH, or not. Whether your DH is just desperate and stuck in ingrained patterns, or actually abusive.

OhTheRoses · 21/02/2017 12:43

OP I have a high performing, high earning, workaholic husband. I have shouldered all domestic responsibilities, school stuff, etc, and have worked full time again since 2005. DC now 18 and 22.

I facilitated his earlier career by being a SAHM for 8 years giving up a highly paid job to do it because we are a team.

His success is partly due to my support. He owns that I have contributed to it. In the early days I let him have saturday afternoons at football and a lie in on Sundays. I appreciated the stress and the graft. Lots of people told me he was a selfish b; I felt part of team family because he's a team player - that's why his success has endured.

If he had ever commented on dust or a mark on a window, I'd have told him to sod off or thrown him a cloth. Yes, he's woken me at 2am to rehearse a closing speech but he hasn't minded if I've dozed back off.

It has at times been very very hard work to keep all the balls in the air but he has never made me feel anxious or that I have to manage his moods. I'd have found that intolerable - it's wrong.

peggyundercrackers · 21/02/2017 12:46

why are people still asking about dust and cleaning windows and saying things like would he do it, or give him a duster? OP has a cleaner - why the fuck isn't the cleaner doing her job properly and giving reason for him to comment on it?

SanitysSake · 21/02/2017 12:46

Tough one.. if he's good in every other respect, I'd probably take time aside to write him a very balanced letter. One that he can take away, read, re-read and absorb. I might even post it to him.

Like a 'feedback sandwich', I'd lay out his good points, then document his 'developmental needs'; the perceived criticisms, your sensitivities, the walking on eggshells and your understanding that his hyper behaviour is probably as a consequence of his success being intrinsically linked to his self esteem.

Maybe a bit of love and some constructive and balanced criticisms laid out on the page will be just the thing for him to realise that he can let go of the reigns a bit and perhaps go for a more mellow and collaborative existence both in and out of the house. That it would make all of you more comfortable if he was a little less highly strung.

He doesn't sound like a horrendous egg on purpose. Just a hyper-wired one who has lost sight of a few things.

Best of luck x