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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 11:29

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive.

that's miserable

llangennith · 21/02/2017 11:31

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being permanently governed and micromanaged?
You sound a lovely mother to your children and a very attentive wife to your husband. But you are not a housekeeper and your DH is treating you like 'staff'.
Think seriously about your future. Your DC's primary role models are you and their father. What would your advice be to a DD if they said they wanted to marry a man like your DH?

Bringmewineandcake · 21/02/2017 11:32

I don't see how he can be kind, generous and considerate if that's how he speaks to you.
It doesn't sound like he takes an active role in your family so it's time to remind him that he has a wife and children, not home staff, and he needs to be considerate of their needs and wishes too.

Original poster

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 11:33

Other people know what he's like in terms of being very driven and so on. Many people say I'm a good balance for him. Ha!
As a OP said, he is hooked on stress and his work. He has friends like him and they're on their own planet in many respects.
I think if he was forced to stop he would have a breakdown and that's the truth of the matter.

In terms of the DC, he lets the girls get away with a lot more than DS and he actually gives DS quite a hard time, but I'm working on this as well.

OP posts:

southall · 21/02/2017 11:33

He works hard and the family has all the benefits that come with that.

You should support him in his work and emotionally help him destress.

But he shouldn't order you around or be rude to you.

I would guess he has impossibly high expectations, that no normal person can meet, not unless they are also workaholics like he is.

Really you need to find you own job and then split all household cores 50/50.

StickyMouse · 21/02/2017 11:34

My DH is "a big deal" at work, senior role, responsible for 2500 people, however he knows that he isn't "a big deal" at home. Yours thinks that he is the CEO at home at also, therein lies your issue.

Answer back when he mentions windows or dust, he is as capable as you in sorting out those two examples.

StickyMouse · 21/02/2017 11:35

Does he have time one on one with the DC?

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:36

In terms of the DC, he lets the girls get away with a lot more than DS and he actually gives DS quite a hard time, but I'm working on this as well.

Yes, because presumably he has very traditional ideas about how fathers should deal with sons vs daughters. My FIL is the same.

GabsAlot · 21/02/2017 11:37

op other people are being kind with their words what they mean is hes an arrogrant twat and youre nice

Olympiathequeen · 21/02/2017 11:38

He sounds like someone who has had a pressurised work life and who adds to it by pressuring himself. This makes him over react to what he perceives as criticism. So when you comment on a nice house he thinks you are criticising him for not providing the same. So I think underlying this is a lack of self esteem where he feels he has to prove himself over and over, hence all the work investment, and extreme irritability when stressed.

Somewhere along the way you have lost the ability to talk honestly with one another leading to all these misunderstandings and his entrenched attitude to life. You have lost what you shared in the beginning which is not unusual.

Either way this is no way for you to live and no way for him to treat you. Unless it changes and you reestablish communication your marriage will fail. I think counselling and time together and communication is what you both need.

Surreyblah · 21/02/2017 11:40

You're not doing your DC any favours staying with a father like this.

Vq1970 · 21/02/2017 11:41

You're his employee, not his wife.

I wouldn't go as far as some of the other posters and say he's abusive, I just think he's a selfish prick who sees you as his employee. He pays you to look after the children and keep the house in order and expects you to do that. Because you're his employee.

bibliomania · 21/02/2017 11:42

What would happen if he pointed out the dust on the doorframe and you just gave a cheerful laugh? Or if you got annoyed when he demands your attention when you're trying to do something else?

Basically, I'm suggesting that you try to work out the implied threat. Is he using the threat of his anger to control you? If so, this is abusive - as Lundy Bancroft puts it, he's using his temper, not losing his temper. It's irrelevant if he doesn't have to unleash his anger, if the threat of it is enough to get the compliance he wants.

On the other hand, could this just be a set of bad habits you've both acquired, where you're both treating home life like an extension of work life (or bringing old habits from your family of origin into the family you've created without examining whether you actually want to replicate that pattern), then I don't think it's a situation of abuse, and I think it is something that can be fixed if you're both willing to try.

NataliaOsipova · 21/02/2017 11:42

My DH is "a big deal" at work, senior role, responsible for 2500 people, however he knows that he isn't "a big deal" at home. Yours thinks that he is the CEO at home at also, therein lies your issue.

I think this is really perceptive. My DH is like yours StickyMouse - and we all take the rip out of him a bit at home if he ever gets a bit big for his boots (and he will, in turn, take the rip out of my poor housekeeping). But it's all relaxed and good natured. You sound stressed and as though you're treading on eggshells, which can't be much fun.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:43

What would happen if he pointed out the dust on the doorframe and you just gave a cheerful laugh? Or if you got annoyed when he demands your attention when you're trying to do something else?

Yes, this was to be my next question.

And just out of curiosity, why don't you have full-time help? Is this your decision, or his?

Seaweed42 · 21/02/2017 11:44

This resonates with me too. Sorry this is very long! I have a workaholic DH too. But he has no hobbies and no friends. He also has admitted finally he has social anxiety. At work he is fine when he is his 'professional' persona, he could get up and make a speech to a room. But he couldn't meet someone for coffee and finds social events extremely difficult where he has to talk to people as 'himself'. I encourage to maintain friendships with friends who don't live nearby but he just says what's the point if I don't ever see them.
He frequently 'appears' to have no interest in me, or the DCs. He works nearby so comes home at lunch every day but could walk into the house and ignore me sitting at the table, just make his lunch and sit down and eat it and look at his phone. He wouldn't even notice he hasn't spoken to me as it's all his stuff, his stuff. I might make a comment about something and I would literally get no answer. So I might say 'my mother is out of hospital today' and I get nothing said in return to me or 'I made an appointment for x for next week'. He is completely absorbed and triggered by work all week and most weekends too. He literally is completely bound up by his thoughts.
Percentage wise, most of his comments to the kids are criticisms. He is all over them when they achieve something, like get on the quiz team at school etc, or get public recognition for something. Otherwise it's 'what kind of kids are we bringing up here'??? They do nothing around the house, etc, etc. Which of course I take personally as a dig at my parenting. They are my responsibility when they aren't doing stuff he wants them to do.
Our daughter's birthday is coming up and I can tell you he doesn't know what day it is, and he certainly hasn't thought of what he or we might get her as a present. But if she doesn't bring her plate over to the sink she's some sort of degenerate heading for terrible failures in life, what sort of person are you etc etc.
The DCs are a tween and a teenager and he clashes with my son too. He thinks 'parenting' means disciplining your child and making them into something you want them to be. Controlling them in other words. As you know it's all about control.
And as you know, if you bring up something then you are just adding to his burden and stressing him out more...so therefore making more of a problem for yourself.
When he wakes up in the morning he might swear really loudly and then complain and rant until he goes to work. He would be extremely sullen.
Then I worry all day about me 'making' him take this job in this town while I sit at home having a lovely time. Then he might come home all smiles again or I'd phone him at work and hear him joking with someone, whereas earlier that morning you'd think he was heading down the mines to work for 18 hrs moving rocks with his bare hands.
He has been to a couple of counsellors but gives up after a couple of sessions as whatever 'crisis' has passed then.
I have a plan to retrain to go back to work myself. He has loads of savings. So I am going to tell him in a year's time he can resign and do something freelance and collect the kids from school, do homework and dinner.
So then he can increase the parenting role that he's always complaining he doesn't have....
At the weekend butter fell on the ground and he said it was fine to eat and I said it wasn't as it was sticky, it's not like the 3 second rule for something else that falls. Then he had a go at me because 'you worry about germs being on that, but have you looked in the fridge lately'. The fridge is fine, there's nothing going off in there.
He's not like this all the time, and I know he does love us, but it seems like very high maintenance to be sure....

PoorYorick · 21/02/2017 11:44

All my friends think he's fantastic.

Who cares what they think?

LadyPW · 21/02/2017 11:44

from his comments i wondered if your cleaner is doing their job properly?
This occurred to me. Maybe (just maybe) his comments about the door frame & windows are more aimed at you telling the cleaner to do a better job (though he did ask if you'd not had the time for the windows so I may be overly generous)?
Or he's so used to expecting perfection from himself that he's forgotten not to expect the same from others?
(Or I might be making excuses for someone who is actually just a twat - but I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt until proved conclusively otherwise)

JoJoSM2 · 21/02/2017 11:44

I think there should be a bit of tough love and some expectations of him. He needs to up his game at home and you need to stop making excuses for him. Perhaps you could try some counselling? This flawed dynamic took years to develop and will take a while to improve.

Seaweed42 · 21/02/2017 11:44

Apologies for very long post. But it's so nice to offload!

Original poster

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 11:46

He is good in the sense that if I do get upset with him, in the sense that I'm actually crying, he will apologise profusely and take it all on at the time. The problem is that I don't think he has much introspection, so he doesn't really change.

If he goes somewhere like a restaurant that he thinks I would like, he'll always text to tell me he wants to take me there.
He will always tell everyone that I do the "real job". Despite quite a lot of macho posturing that seems to go on between him and his associates, he will say it's basically a load of bollocks.
He's not at all weird with money.
He is quite OTT with gifts, etc and makes a big fuss of me in that way.
He is good in a crisis.

Just trying to give some balance!

OP posts:

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:46

Yes. At the risk of being an apologist for an emotionally abusive man, I just wonder what the cleaner setup is. Does he want more household help and you resist, or vice/versa, or neither....?

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:48

He will always tell everyone that I do the "real job". Despite quite a lot of macho posturing that seems to go on between him and his associates, he will say it's basically a load of bollocks.

Meaningless. I've seen some terribly sexist assholes say the same thing while demeaning their wives contemptibly. He may or may not believe this, it's just a thing that is seemingly fashionable for men to say these days.

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 11:49

If he goes somewhere like a restaurant that he thinks I would like, he'll always text to tell me he wants to take me there.
*He will always tell everyone that I do the "real job". Despite quite a lot of macho posturing that seems to go on between him and his associates, he will say it's basically a load of bollocks.
He's not at all weird with money.
He is quite OTT with gifts, etc and makes a big fuss of me in that way.
He is good in a crisis.

Just trying to give some balance!*

But do you love him and want to spend time with him? Are you emotionally connected? I ask because it should help you decide what to do, that's all. It doesn't matter if "everyone else" thinks he's great, if you have fallen out of that feeling entirely.

Parker231 · 21/02/2017 11:49

Is he financially abusive as well?

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