Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

Yes, gosh, it all sounds very structured and ordered. He is buying things you will like - what if you don't- do you order tickets and things too? If not, it is a polite, caring summons because he has worked out how to fit you into his life and organise your needs etc to be a good husband, and maybe that is recognising who you are. But him choosing based on his knowledge of what you will like sounds quite controlling as does the board game playing. It is quite fine for DC to play on iPads etc, if they want to. Do you go out of an evening without him?

And the thing about the coffee, that is how my xH would have thought - she likes this coffee, I will buy her bags of it. Nice as a gift, but actually I like a range of coffees and so the question would be if I wanted a bag of that coffee or maybe not as I was going to pick up something else. Does that make sense? Like there was a Cocoa box and he worked that out and fitted it in his life but the Cocoa box had to then fit, regardless.

Again posting quickly, forgive me, but I hated my xH buying me clothes, and especially lingerie, I felt dressed as he wanted me to be. Clothes are part of expressing who you are. I get that people live in different ways, but being dressed by someone else made me feel - I don't know - not me. When we separated, I spent far too much money just trying to work out what styles I actually liked and suited. I remember freaking out buying a pair of jeans because he would always comment on style, fit all the rest of it.

X post, sorry.
I kind of assumed if you were not working, you would have a 'mum' social life - like sometimes I go to sit in a cafe and work and I see mums from school out running together or they are in the cafe with a lunch meet. Do you see people during the day?

I guess my point being if you can get a baby sitter to go out with him, then surely you can get one for yourself? Even now and then. Just enjoy a movie or something without educating him at the same time, just something for you?

He'll be home from the ride about 3-4 pm.

I think it's ok to go on a date with your DH every other week or so. Don't most people do this?

Cocoa -yes I see friends in the day and go for a run, coffee and so on.

I don't mind him buying me clothes because he knows what I like.

Sorry I be a bit quick - in homeork hell at the moment!

Keeping your marriage healthy with dates etc is great but not at the expense of your children's time with their dad if they hardly ever get to see him. Out on Friday night with you, out all day today on his bike, in Italy next weekend and then Uganda for charity. Then the girls will miss him when he's away trekking with your son. Etc etc.

"My kids come before anything else"... clearly not when it comes to asking your husband to priorise his family above himself on occasion. And that he takes an interest in them beyond a "need to know" basis. And you seem OK with that because he knows your shoe size and takes you to the theatre.

I'm out.

Actually, I apologise OP for being unnecessarily harsh - I have realised I'm projecting. My mum was hardly around when I was a child because she was away working, and my dad was someone whose moods had to be tiptoed around. It had long lasting emotional consequences for me and this thread makes me feel very sad.

Good luck OP, I wish you the best.

I'm not a fan of kids being on i pads all the time either, and monitor the ps 4 pretty strictly, but I will do stuff with ds on his terms, so if he wants to play a game, or show me his yo yo skills, or bore me to death about football I do it because its whats important to him, and I just like hanging out with him.
I agree with pp that he seems to dictate everything and everything is about what he wants.
I actually feel quite anxious and constricted imagining the scenarios, and I'm not even projecting anything, having not experienced that kind of set up.
Totally agree about the silliness aspect of family life. My best memories of my Dad are when he was being daft, making us laugh. My best memories of times with my family as a kid are of just messing about in the back garden, making stuff for fun, bantering and teasing each other.
Structured educational activities and seriousness about future employment are all well and good in small doses, but shouldn't form the basis of a parental relationship, surely?
I think you sound utterly in thrall to this man, which I actually find a bit weird after 15 ears of marriage! I'm not sure you can understand the distaste most posters have expressed about him.
And, love, if someone I was married to told me to tell him the conclusion of what I was saying so he could decide whether he wanted to hear what I had to say I would be wearing his bollocks for earrings.

anon What you describe reminds me a lot of my parents' marriage, and I want to say that I think Palliser's advice is spot on.

My DF also absolutely hates the thought of therapy, and the reason is that he absolutely terrified of his emotions and therefore of exposing them to anyone else's view.

My sister and I, on the other hand, had a lot of therapy once we realised that was something we were allowed to do, because - guess what - growing up with a DF who has intense emotions that cannot be spoken of, and who certainly can't cope with anything as tricky as his DCs emotions, is very destabilising.

You are doing the right thing in realising there is a problem and in trying to change it. You may meet a lot of resistance though, if you get serious about it, because you will be threatening the whole fragile system that enables him to avoid his fear etc.

I should add that my parents marriage also has the good qualities you describe, and they would say that they are very happy. And they kind of are, but only by ignoring a lot of the longterm effects of their dysfunctions. Don't do the same thing here.

I think there is a lot of projection on this thread and people are reading more than might be necessary into some things (like the fact that he wants to play board games with his kids rather than have them be on ipads or buys his wife coffee - somehow these are seen as bad things because people don't like what the OP has said about her husband).

But most marriages and most people aren't black and white entirely. I think it is ok for the OP to feel fine with her dh organising nights out (god knows I wish mine would do it - actually he could complain that i organise most nights out) or buying her thoughtful gifts and still have a problem with him being too intense, too self-focused and too high-maintenance. I don't think it is helpful particularly to insist she condemns every single thing he does or views it through a certain prism.

Similarly doing activities with his kids, spending time with them off-screens can be good - and he can still be too intense, too intimidating and giving an unhealthily polarised view of marriage and child-rearing.

I think the best thing OP can do is talk to someone herself - not to "fix" her but to give her a neutral outlet to explore how she feels and what she wants and to articulate exactly what she is deeply unhappy with in her marriage - because I think she is deeply uncomfortable with some aspects of her life but that doesn't mean she has to be ready to leave him or unhappy with everything.

I completely agree about the silliness/sense of humour thing too. If you can't laugh at him, that is a real problem.

I thought Goodlucktimes post earlier was fascinating because as I read this thread, I thought how our culture absolutely says that this is a good way to behave for men but a woman who behaved in this way would struggle to find a long-term relationship and if she did, I doubt very much if his friends would think she was lovely. A lot of romantic fiction has heroes who are actually deeply damaged people who are emotionally stunted but the world doesn't really reward emotional health in men, instead it fetishises success and drive and ambition and wealth.

Maybe things are changing. My daughter read Jane Eyre recently in school and I don't think even one of her classmates thought Mr Rochester was anything other than a deeply creepy damaged man.

I'm confused you saying you don't go out in the evening (unless with DH) as there is too much to do? You don't work, DH is out of the house all day and for parts of the weekend, your youngest DC is now 9 so no getting their breakfast or helping them get dressed etc, you have a cleaner twice a week - what do you which means you're too busy to go out?

My dh defines himself through work. He's quite intense and controlling and I wonder in part if it hides low self esteem or he's got a bit of a chip on his shoulder as he grew up in a very poor household as his father was very sick. His mother also witters and I wonder if that's why I'm tuned out. He's off out again for the fourth time this week and I can see he looks pissed off when I'd say I'd prefer him not to.

I'd be insulted if he wanted the conclusion of a conversation at the start. You aren't a business project.

Wow!
The book is out of print,but if you get a moment ,or several, watch the movie:
Diary of a Mad Housewife with Carrie Snodgrass.

Sounds like everything in your family life is dictated by your husband - what you wear, how you speak to him, how you run the house, where you go out, what your kids do. This is just so controlling and unhealthy for both you and your DCs. Many people have DHs that work long hours but that still manage to make time for their family. Your DH is prioritising his needs over the needs of his family. That is his choice but one day he might have to face the consequences of this.

Bowing out, hiding thread, but wishing you all the best.

Thankyou again for all the comments.

I'm at a point where I feel as if I should respond to posts, but I can't seem to find the words and it feels blocked. I didn't expect the thread to pan out like this at all. I understand it's AIBU and it's human nature to project. Nevertheless, it's been 22 pages of people being pretty much appalled and I can't ignore that. Obviously I've felt a bit defensive at times, particularly to comments about my children.

Pallisers has said it for me really, that nothing is black and white. I know my husband is controlling in some aspects, but the dynamic is more complicated than that as well. On the one hand, I can acknowledge I may be in a controlling relationship, but actually saying that makes me feel as though I'm talking about someone else. Even if he is controlling, I don't even know how I feel about it and this is what worries me most.

I love him very much, we have a very strong connection and always did. Despite everything, I know he loves us and wants to take care of his family in the way he knows how. I think there is a balance in our relationship, but maybe it's a different kind of balance to what most people look for. That said, I'm prepared to accept that there may be an unhealthy element to our relationship which I need to explore in real life and face to face.

I'm so grateful for all the well meaning comments, I really am. A friend of mine sees a counsellor and I will ask her for the details when I see her later this week. I need to talk to someone in real life now.

Thankyou so much again.

Please do not feel you need write more. Nothing is ever resolved over night and you have the first steps to getting a map to understand things and how you feel by seeing a counsellor.

You can love someone and they can love you and the relationship can still be unhealthy, yes. The extent to which this is true for you and what you want to do about it are things you can explore in counselling.

It is very hard to see yourself in a relationship which is controlling, it really is, especially when some of that involves actions which are generally seen as love and care. And only you can decide how much you want to take on board and what you want to challenge.

More positively, your OP asked if you should challenge your DH at times, the consensus appears to be yes. It is a clear answer at least. Take care

Counselling does seem a good idea. I think that you are so used to him making all the decisions that you no longer actually know what you like yourself so think he knows your taste. You've lost sight of yourself in the hurly burly business of life with young children, taking care of everyone else's needs and forgetting your own.

You need to take some control back and rediscover yourself. Counselling is a good idea.

You don't owe anyone on this thread a response or an explanation.

But you do owe yourself and your children a happy life. So talk to your friend and see her counselor. Do remember, though, that the counselor/counsel-ee relationship is a 'fit'. You may feel 'right' right off the bat, or you may need to see a few counselors before you find the one that is right for you.

I am really struck by how much of a life your DH has outside the family and how little you seem to (I know you've said you keep busy in the day, but you activities sound quite "small world"). I wonder in 9 years time when your children are all adults, what will your partnership feel like? How prepared will you be for that change? Will your DH still expect your world to revolve around him while his revolves around you and work, racing cars, extreme skiing, treking, etc.?

Perhaps you could start with small steps to relax homelife - a weekly pizza night, no formality just everyone lounging on the sofa, eating pizza and watching rubbish on tv!

I've had your life, I understand and resonate with the feelings you describe. My dh held all the cards, the details of my day were insignificant- he held the cards at work and sometimes struggled that at home I viewed us as equals and we had a battle of wills sometimes and but in large no arguing, good sex, dedicated dad it seemed. When we were around people he was the funniest man on the room- I was so proud of him- his generosity, his fun- I adored him and took the rough with the smooth.

Then I discovered his penchant for prostitutes 20 months ago and we split- my whole world changed in 24 hours. Since he left he's has been a different person- all of his bad qualities visible with none of the good to balance him. He's controlling, financially abusive, barely sees the children. In short he is a narcissist- always was looking back but when it was balanced with his good qualities it worked for us. Now he looks bad to our families and friends so he's cut all ties, walked away and started again because it is easier for him than being around people who know how vile he has been. I wouldn't have suspected in a million years.

So After a 12 year marriage being at home with kids I've started again- his high earning commission only job suddenly became less well paid (bullshit). At one point I was working 3 jobs- more fool me for relying on the assumption we would always be together. I'm getting there and I have no regrets when I look at the man he is now. Unfortunately the man I am seeing now was there all along, I feel like my relationship was a lie, I was a tick in the box along with house, kids, good job, car etc. I was never really treasured for being just me.
Prostitutes are appealing to high earning narcissists- money is power and power is everything- I now know how widespread prostitute usage was in his field- shocking.

I'm not saying this will happen to you but I would advise you to always have a back up plan, always get involved in the finances and know what you have. Also, buy a second home if you can and rent it out as an 'investment' then if you split your dh will have somewhere to go whilst your divorce goes through. Good luck as you work through your feelings but don't ever be afraid to walk away. I'm happier now even though I'm doing it alone- I've got great friends and family.

He sounds very self centred and is treating you like dirt. Stress is no excuse.

I agree with your last post OP.
Good luck

insertquirkyname your post was brilliant and has moved me to tears.

Thank you shania! Didn't mean to do that to you though! X