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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 11:14

Do you really still love him, OP?

As in, wish to spend time in his company, laugh together etc.?

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:15

DS1 is clashing a bit with DH these days. He finds the girls easier.

Quelle surprise.

alltouchedout · 21/02/2017 11:16

Just because someone provides financially for their family does not mean they are doing right by them. This man does not sound to be a good husband or father.

It's telling that you find his hobbies make your life easier! I don't think most people would feel the same. It sounds as if his being around is a big negative, which is an awful way to live.

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 11:16

He finds the girls easier.

This makes me a bit sad.
I'm sure he does.
Your DS is growing up, and testing the boundaries. Your DH will need to adapt too, and he doesn't sound very flexible. Tough years ahead, perhaps?

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 11:17

He sounds horrible and I couldn't live like that. Sorry OP.

ColumbosCousin · 21/02/2017 11:18

He sounds very driven. Can be a great trait. But is he using it to repress something?

Likewise OP you sound lovely and intelligent person. But did you seethe about the dusting comments. No anger, self-assertion?

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 11:18

Is he an only child?

RedAndYellowStripe · 21/02/2017 11:21

Taking the nice view (i.e. Not manipulative etc...)
This guy is hooked on work and the pleasure he gets from 'winning' (be it the right investment, the right contract etc...). See the work he used to do too.
He is also so much into his work that he doesn't make a difference between home and work. So he expects the same from family members than he expects from people working for him.
And he is under HUGE stress (see my point above. That's what he is hooked on) which makes him unreasonable at home. That's also why a lot of sport will help. He is releasing his stress and is therefore nicer to be around.

The issue here is that you have long history of you being the pacifier and him getting away with murder.
And that he is so under stress that anything can make him explode.

From where I stand you have a few ways to deal,with it

  • you just accept it
  • you have enough and LTB
  • you have a huge talk and tell him straight that his behaviour is impacting family life, yours and the one of HIS dcs. Hope he will see the light and change because actually he is really caring and will be scared shit to loose you and the dcs
  • go for the long run and start standing up to him. Whilst being aware that you will have to cope with his behaviour for some time, that it might well never be resolved until he stops work and that he might also well be quite hard work when you start doing that.
ColumbosCousin · 21/02/2017 11:21

Is he an only child? whats that to do with Hmm

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 11:22

Because my BIL and my PIL are a bit like this and they are both only children. I know lots of lovely only children as well i hasten to add.

GallivantingWildebeest · 21/02/2017 11:23

Fuck me, he's not kind. He treats you like dirt.

There's no point saying 'I love you' to someone if you don't SHOW you love them by your actions. Words are cheap. He shows you every day what he thinks of you.

You're walking on eggshells around him. That's not good.

I know DH would do anything for me.

Like what, OP? Look after his own dc? Give up an 8-hour bike ride so you can have some free time? Cook a meal? Clean the door frame??? Any of those things?? Hmm

And I'd be affectionate if I had a slave to do whatever I wanted and I could just piss off on my bike whenever I wanted to!

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 11:23

It's not that he tells me I can't criticise him, he just overreacts when I do. The other peculiarity with him which I've been thinking about recently is that if I compliment someone on something, he interprets that as me asking for that thing - which I'm not at all! For instance, when we went to visit some friends who recently moved to Surrey, of course I was complimenting them in their new house, just as anyone would. On the way home, he was talking as if I was pressuring him to move - saying, "You do realise what the stamp duty would be, don't you. Well look into it by all means , but what about the kids schools..." It took me over an hour to convince him that I do not and never did have any wish to move to Surrey! That's just one example. I have no idea why he reacts like this.

OP posts:
RedAndYellowStripe · 21/02/2017 11:23

Are the girls easier because they would never dare stand up to him as this is what they have seen their mum do all their life?

PageStillNotFound404 · 21/02/2017 11:23

Is he an only child?

What's that got to do with the price of fish? Being an only child doesn't automatically make you driven, arrogant and controlling. And even if he is, that doesn't really help the OP deal with life as it is now.

RedAndYellowStripe · 21/02/2017 11:24

Xpost
He sound disconnected with real life and you TBH.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:25

It's not that he tells me I can't criticise him, he just overreacts when I do.

Well, of course! People who don't take criticism well don't publicise that you can't criticise them - they just lose their rag when you do.

The Surrey story - jeez. How long do you think that you can put up with such a powder keg?

Costacoffeeplease · 21/02/2017 11:25

Are the girls easier because they're younger

Good luck when those hormones start flying about in a year or two

corythatwas · 21/02/2017 11:25

larry, if the OP were to take a job outside the house, then that would mean that her husband would become responsible for half the housework, half the cooking, half the job of sorting cleaners, half the work of dealing with the children- sorting out their hobbies, dental appointments, looking after them when they're ill etc etc. Any sign at all that he would be prepared to do this?

PageStillNotFound404 · 21/02/2017 11:26

It's not that he tells me I can't criticise him, he just overreacts when I do.

He might not be telling you with words, but his behaviour is certainly telling you that, isn't it?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 21/02/2017 11:26

Well apparently columbos only children are selfish and narcissistic. Didn't you know? Whenever there's a thread about someone being a selfish twat/spoilt brat , someone will pipe up with "is he an only child?", as if having no siblings is a fatal character flaw.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 11:26

Wait until your dds grow up and start telling him to wind his neck in!

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 11:27

Do you love him and wish to live with him for the rest of your life, OP? Because nowhere have you said you love him. Just an observation.

If you do, then you will have to either have it out with him big-style, or just stand up to him more assertively over small matters and weather the storms. But it sounds like you do this anyway and it's a bit shit.

I just can't see what your wishes are for your life anywhere in your posts? You gave up your job - but no sense if you would like to work or arrange things differently. Otoh, your husband continues to work even though he has no need to, making your life difficult in the process. I'm not hearing what you really want...

PatriciaHolm · 21/02/2017 11:27

Of course he finds the girls easier. They are simply future domestic appliances, like you.

He thinks he's the Big Man and you are all employees. Or in your case, servants.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 11:28

OMG

the surrey story could BE my PIL

it drives me nuts.

Its as if they think they have to sort everything out for everyone, its infuriating

Surreyblah · 21/02/2017 11:28

He sounds emotionally abusive and is clearly a shitty parent.

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